Well, a lot of u r familiar with my situation from the previous posts....and your replies have helped me understand certain things immensly....and largely help me understand what I'm about to write.......but I gotta share it anyways......
BTW......this topic is gonna be great for all you wishing revenge and hatefull sh*t on your ex MMs........I just can't wait for all the "you go girl" and "good job" replies........and especially "payback 's a bitch".
Here we go.......during the past week and a half ssssss and I have established contact again and saw each other a few times.....to make a long story short she tells me if I don't move out in the next two weeks (ending next sunday) we're done for good. I say OK...I'll do that (I planned on doing it earlier this month but due to cash constraints couldn't). So.....we see each other a couple of times and on Thursday we say OK, it's gonna be no contact until i get my sh*t done. We texted each other a few times but nothing significant....Yesterday we talked about something insignificant and got into a kind of an argument - nothing big. Today, i move out of the house and text her that.........I get the following reply: "I hope you'll be happy. I am. Bye." I manage to talk to her and am told that these past two weeks were an act...to get back at me for everything she's been through for me.
Now, I'll love all the "you got what you deserve you b*stard" replies and all but it's not the act itself that's f*cked up, it's the reasoning behind it. I understand all my f*ckups during this entire relationship......all the lies, manipulation,........however, i'll tell you this.....while all those were acts of selfishness and cannot be defended by anything they were not aimed at intentionally hurting someone (THEY WERE NOT)......Everytime I hurt my gf I was f*cked up cuz I knew she was in pain, I never gloated about it. I don't know.....just had to get this out.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Re: i gotta share this one.....
Quote:
Originally posted by MMBastard
Well, a lot of u r familiar with my situation from the previous posts....and your replies have helped me understand certain things immensly....and largely help me understand what I'm about to write.......but I gotta share it anyways......
BTW......this topic is gonna be great for all you wishing revenge and hatefull sh*t on your ex MMs........I just can't wait for all the "you go girl" and "good job" replies........and especially "payback 's a bitch".
Here we go.......during the past week and a half ssssss and I have established contact again and saw each other a few times.....to make a long story short she tells me if I don't move out in the next two weeks (ending next sunday) we're done for good. I say OK...I'll do that (I planned on doing it earlier this month but due to cash constraints couldn't). So.....we see each other a couple of times and on Thursday we say OK, it's gonna be no contact until i get my sh*t done. We texted each other a few times but nothing significant....Yesterday we talked about something insignificant and got into a kind of an argument - nothing big. Today, i move out of the house and text her that.........I get the following reply: "I hope you'll be happy. I am. Bye." I manage to talk to her and am told that these past two weeks were an act...to get back at me for everything she's been through for me.
Now, I'll love all the "you got what you deserve you b*stard" replies and all but it's not the act itself that's f*cked up, it's the reasoning behind it. I understand all my f*ckups during this entire relationship......all the lies, manipulation,........however, i'll tell you this.....while all those were acts of selfishness and cannot be defended by anything they were not aimed at intentionally hurting someone (THEY WERE NOT)......Everytime I hurt my gf I was f*cked up cuz I knew she was in pain, I never gloated about it. I don't know.....just had to get this out.
<< And it isn't because of what happened here...
MMBastard.. hmm let me just call you MB okay?
Listen, I really am sorry things turned out the way they did.. for ALL paties involved in this.
It's wierd uh? No one ever really "Wins" or gets what they "Wanted" in these situations... If nothing else, hopefully you've learned a lot about yourself and will be able to apply that elsewhere in your life.
I do hope sssss is happy, and is recovering from all you've put her through... and obviously I hope for your wife and especially your little person that they will both be okay eventually and happy again.
There isn't anything funny about broken families.. or affairs and the damage they leave in thier wake....
I'm happy to at least see in some small way you've been able to keep your sense of humor.. trust me, you'll need it!
Good Luck
And BTW.. While I won't say "You Go Girl" to ssssss (LMAO just a funny phrase!) I will say, I'm happy that she did what she felt she needed to do to make herself okay.
__________________
Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
I understand your point Merin......it's all good and fine. Again, while not asking for any gratification for myself.....it's the reasoning and the method that gets to me........There were so many ways she could hurt me but whe picked one that was gonna devastate me. If she did not want to have anything else to do with me...why take me away from my child as means of hurting me. And while I know most of the replies to this sentence are going to be "You shouldn't have stayed at the house if the marriage ain't working" this is not truly the issue. My wife and I have spent countless hours discussing this. If there weren't for ssssss, the marriage still would have failed and I would eventually move out, but not this soon. I knew all the consequences when I hot involved in the affair - and yes, this is the consequence. My only question.......why retaliate to this??? And I know tomorrow is a new day and I'll roll with the punches....but darn. I guess the worst part is I just can't look at that person in the same way. Everything I thought she was is just a blur. Please understand that I'm saying this without passing judgement or blame.
i guess many of us who have been in ssss's position would love to have been able to do that. and no doubt she chose that method because she knew it would cause you the most pain. i don't know that i could have done what she did, and while i'm all for "doing what's right for me" i don't know that i ever could have encouraged my exMM to leave under false pretenses. i think many of us are in a position where if we wanted to with a few accidentally forwarded emails or a phone call could do some permanent damage and yes, i too, have entertained those thoughts. and oh, the feeling of having "got him back" would be sweet, but fleeting. i've thought a lot about this all this weekend, as i sorted through the mess that my life has become since all heck broke lose with my relationship over the past few months. in sorting through the piles, i found receipts for valentine's day gifts i bought and a small but probably stupid gift i bought when his problems with his W came to a head. the pain those stupid pieces of paper brought back was unbearable and there was and still is the desire to have him get what's coming to him. and while, in many ways, i could care less about his wife, i still couldn't try to force him to give up his family. but i believe if anyone is going to cause him grief and ruin his marriage, it's going to be him, not me. he's proven that he's perfectly capable of f'ing up his relationships all by himself.
so, no "go girl" from me. i'm glad she did what she needed to do to make her happy. perhaps i still, in spite of everything still love my exMM very much and maybe that's why i couldn't intentionally cause him and his kids pain. what i've realized is that i hate what happened, i hate the situation and i hate the actions taken on his part and i hate the result, but it was my doing as well and as much as i want to i don't hate HIM (well, maybe some of the time!) . if he's going to leave his wife someday, i want it to be in spite of me, not because of me. will i be there waiting? i won't say 100% no, but at this point it's about 99.999999999% sure that i'd tell him to take a hike.
Nope. I'm hardly jumping up and down cheering on anyone here. This is just terrible. One BIG cluster-f*ck of dysfunction…and you, my dear child, are the catalyst of your own misfortune.
If you take a moment to step outside of yourself and reflect back, you will quickly discover that YOU are the only one constant in all your failed relationships.
Quote:
If she did not want to have anything else to do with me...why take me away from my child as means of hurting me.
Your girlfriend did not take you away from your child. YOU made the decision to walk out on your wife and child…unless of course, ssssss kidnapped her.
Quote:
If there weren't for ssssss, the marriage still would have failed and I would eventually move out, but not this soon.
Again, it's Ssss fault that you are now without the family you really didn't want to be with anyway? So what exactly was your wife to you?...Mrs. "Good-Enough-For-Now?"
I do feel bad for you MMB, but its because you are either unwilling or incapable of accepting accountability for your own actions. Nor are you able to use sound reasoning or good judgment on your own without hand-holding or coercion. It's "safe" for you that way, because if things don't turn out in your favor, you can just place the blame right back on the person who "coerced" you into making that choice in the first place.
Classic externalization.
There is nothing I would like more than to see you finally get happy and "well." But I'm worried that you haven't acquired the skills it takes to do the inside work on your own. MMB, would you ever consider seeking some kind of professional counseling to help you get to the root of your problems and sort your issues out?
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
I'm not happy to see you hurt. I do agree that there is a lot of dysfuncition here and not just on your part. I read your story before, and originally thought you had lied to sssss about being married, but you said she knew you were m and so she knew what she was getting into in the first place.
"There were so many ways she could hurt me but whe picked one that was gonna devastate me. If she did not want to have anything else to do with me...why take me away from my child as means of hurting me. And while I know most of the replies to this sentence are going to be "You shouldn't have stayed at the house if the marriage ain't working" this is not truly the issue. My wife and I have spent countless hours discussing this. If there weren't for ssssss, the marriage still would have failed and I would eventually move out, but not this soon. "
If the marriage would have failed anyway and you were planning to move out anyway then she didn't take you away, you were leaving eventually anyway right? Or were you hoping to have her there for you either way, whether you left or not? I'm not sure what you mean here. Maybe try to be honest with yourself about what you really expected out of all of this. Were you leaving only because you thought sssss would be there for you? It seems you hurt sssss trust badly enough that she did not see a possible future with you anymore, and on top of that she wanted to and has now hurt you badly. In my mind there is never any justfication for this.
You do have to accept that you are the one that caused hurt in the first place though, whether you intended it or not., you must have realized that messing around with peoples feelings and lying to them would hurt them. It can turn normally good people into people who do what sssss has now done.
I am very sorry that now your wife, ssss and you are all in pain, I guess these situations do cause more pain than they are worth. Good luck.
Yeah MMB, not gonna bash ya. I know how hard you were working on things and this is a total unxexpected turn of events! Wow. Totally on purpose and hurtful too. I guess she had her fun at your expense. Thing is, I bet she someday will wake up at 2am and realize how she could have handled things better insteaod of letting games ruin a new and improved potiental relationship.
Hey MMB I think what the sssss did was pretty messed up. It takes two to have an affair and in my opinion she is just as guilty as you. She knew that you were married and had a family. You obviously lied and did a lot of hurtful things too but you did not do it alone. I know you are the one that took the vows but she is just as guilty for getting involved with a MM. It drives me crazy when the person that is married is the only one that people blame. I did not read your previous posts but I don't think you deserved for her to lie to you when she is just as guilty. Why does she think she is better than you? Don't get me wrong you are guilty but so is she.
I do feel sorry for you. I also think you need to take this as huge lesson learned. Hopefully the sssss will learn to not sneak around with MM.. Anytime there is an affair it never ends good for anyone. I am learning this the hard way too. Good luck. I wish you the best.
For all repliers: I'm not placing blame. I'm the root of all that's gone wrong here. And again, those are not reasons for posting – not to make me feel better about myself.
It's now been two days and I had some time to put certain things into perspective and think some of this through. Although still dumbfounded about what happened . I do feel better about some issues. I've had a sort of a «dream ending» experience. Afeeling of disgust and dissapointment. I thought I know this person so well, I never thought she'd be capable of something like this. I gues to a large extent I'm still having a hard time accepting this is her. And I'm still sontemplating long and hard whether there was an alternate reason for this. However, it seems this really is her and all this time I was just completelly blinded – believing what I wanted to believe without ever taking a step back to realistically look at the person. There is a funny story behind all this....a couple of months ago when I was talking to my wife about my gf she said her biggest regret was I never actually had a real relationship with this person. My wife had a five year relationship with a great guy and got scared of the commitment......the easiest way to get out of that relationship was to «fall in love» with someone as a means of getting out....so she did....a guy from work she hardly knew, but knew he was a shallow idiot. She says she was soooo in love with him she could not see past anything....and then about 8 months later, she was having coffee with the guy and it hit her....."What in the hell was I thinking....this guy is a total waste", a sort of a revelation. She said she's sorry I never had this feeling. She of course also said she'd be the happiest person to walk by at that moment with our daughter.
I was just ignoring all the signs. I spoke to my dad on Friday about this (before all this happened). He is divorced and now married to his former OW. I spoke to him about my gf and I said "Yeah, yeah, she knows what she's getting into. She completely accepts the fact I have a child and all". He asked how old she was. I said 22. He laughed and said "She has absolutelly no f'cking idea what she's getting into".
I hope y'all understand I'm not trying to pass blame here.....I'm just strugling with accepting someone I adored so much is basically nothing more than a huge dissapointment. I've accepted I was a dissapointment a long time ago. But I was gonna prove to her this time I'm sticking with the game plan. My line of thinking last week was: Look, this girl is giving you another chance after all you've put her through......you'll follow through big time. And somewhere, deep in my mind, I'm happy I did, despite the result.
Bottom line......I've screwed up so majorly...I screwed up my wife's life, my child's life by being selfish and egoistic to the furthest extent. This is going to be my no. 1 regret for the long long time coming. I've hurt ssssss majorly also, but you'll forgive me for not feeling so bad about it right now. After all she does not feel the slightest bit of regret for what she did – in fact she is gloating in her big time success in «playin'» me. Unfortunatelly, this time we both (but myself primarily) played my kid. Thanks y'all for all your help.
For you hardcore Nickelback fans (like myself), also check out the lyrics to 'Someday", sample:
Nothin's wrong
Just as long as you
Know that someday I will
Someday, Somehow
I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know your wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Chad Kroeger should win a 'Best Songwriter, Extramarital Affairs' award!!!
I just read this in another post....HAHAHA, this is so true. I wish I heard that from someone now. Chad Kroeger is the story of my relationship..... we loved "why don't you and i" he did with santana.......oh f*ck it........
Last edited by MMBastard; 12th October 2004 at 9:08 AM..
All her pain and suffering cannot justify her actions. She shouldn't have asked you to leave your wife and child if she weren't prepared to go for it. That is just plain wrong.
Just try not to beat up on yourself now. You know what happened in the past, it was dealt with, you were forgiven by sssss and she tried to make it work with you...This part is NOT your fault, again, you didn't see it coming and I don't think it was deserved as you made it known to her how much you were giving up for her, making that hard decision. Once you did that, gave her your heart and soul, telling her how happy she made you and how things were going to be great....Then she sh*t on you and broke your heart this time. Not nice, not fair and even if most here think you deserved that D, I don't think you did. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Hang in there babes, take it one day at a time and do not contact her in any way now. She is a fool right now and I know someday she will feel this and realize what she did and how much her game hurt you intentially.
I'm sorry, but your ssssss gets no cheer from me at all whatsoever. If she was "so" hurt her little revenge scheme wasn't the way to do it. She could've just decided to not be with you and be on her merry way, she didn't have to resort to plotting etc. I'm quite sure every O/W has been tempted at one point or another to "get revenge" on her MM for lying, cheating, etc. but at the end of the day she did know what she was getting into. What's worst is that I'm wondering was she ever "in love" anyway, because if she's going to do this little scheme of her's for "payback" what does it REALLY accomplish? Was her goal to leave you with nothing so that she can feel better about herself? That is just so lame. I know that when people are hurt they like to hurt the people that hurt them, but her choosing to not be with you should've been enough, she didn't have to set the deadline etc. to prove a point.
...I hope that she is happy, because she comes off as the type that just wanted to see if she could take you from her, like she prides herself on being able to take someone else's husband from her. If I was your wife, then of course I'd say something like that's what you get, but at the end of the day all parties are hurting, and it's one big mess.
I don't know MMB; revenge is pretty sweet and maybe she just had to have it.
Not saying it's right....it was a pretty low blow. But I wonder if now she feels she's evened the score?
Is it truly over now? Maybe take some relief in the fact that despite the devastation played out here (an image of smoking ruins comes to mind...) at least NOW may be the time for some closure to happen and for life to continue anew.
You have time to rebuild and start again. I wish you luck.
Despite the scenarios you've shared with us, I do think your honesty is compelling and I've become fond of your presence here on LS.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
<< And it isn't because of what happened here...
. if he's going to leave his wife someday, i want it to be in spite of me, not because of me. will i be there waiting? i won't say 100% no, but at this point it's about 99.999999999% sure that i'd tell him to take a hike.
Hybrid Mode
