[Devildog]

My wife and I have decided to seperate for awhile after 5 years of marriage. The reasons are numerous, but here are some of the main ones.

In the begining of February of this year we lost our newborn daughter after 11 days. This has had a devestating effect on our marriage. It was a combination of things. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together as well. My wife lost her brother a little under 5 years ago. He was 22 at the time. Her grandfather had passed away from a heart attack less than a month before that. So she has had 3 traumatic losses in a relatively short time frame. Sadly, I have also experienced my share of losses. My older brother commited suicide 12 years ago when I was 18, my brother-in-law, her brother, who I considered a good friend, my grandfather a year and a half ago and our daughter. My family growing up was not an emotionally open family I guess you could say. I had to learn to deal with life on my own and because of that I don't share my feelings easily. I tend to fold up inside of myself. This is what I did after our daughter died. Unfortunately, I wasn't there for my wife the way I should have been to help her deal with our lose. I just recently pulled myself out enough to realize the serious problems that had developed between my wife and me, and it might be too late.

We started getting at each other throats more and more, and fighting more often until it got to the point where the bad times out-weighed the good times. I have some jealousy issues, which I am trying to work on, and am talking to a counselor about getting in control of. When my wife and I first started dating a male friend of hers got out of a relationship and started calling her and stopping by her parents house. We had been together about 2 months at this time. I wasn't happy about it, but he swore that he "respected our relationship and would never do anything to interfere with that". Against my judgement I didn't try to prevent them from talking. 2 weeks later he made a pass at my future wife. Fast forward 8 years, Same male friend gets married early this year and is getting divorced 3 months later. Guess who he comes to for emotional support and to talk to? That's right, my wife. He says he "respects our marriage and would never do anything to interfere with that". Where had I heard that before? By nature I don't automatically trust people. I made an exception 8 years ago and got burned on it, and was never apologized to for it. I was not comfortable with the situation at all. I trusted my wife, that was not the issue. I work nights, and this guy was coming over to my house after I left for work to visit my wife. Again, I trust my wife not to do anything, I don't trust this guy though, especially when my wife is alone and I am not readily available if she needs me. Not to mention we live in a small town where people talk, and it makes me look stupid and doesn't do much for her reputation either.

I have a hard time controlling my emotions. They are very intense. After I calm down and think about things I normally see how wrong I was. But at that point the damage has already been done. And the damage has been piling up for awhile without getting better.

My wife and I finally started to talk about these issues. I have apologized profusely for being a jerk and I was the one who brought up the idea of getting counseling for my emotional issues. But at this point she says she needs time away from me to heal and find out who she is after the loss of our daughter. We both still love each other and I want to do everything I can to show her I am serious about making things right and getting my jealousy issues under control. I need her in my life and am terrified that I might lose her. I don't want to just be friends who happen to have had children together. I want to be a husband and wife and a family again.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I can do to show her how much she means to me, or suggestions on other things I can do to improve on my issues I would appreciate it.