[Devildog]

My wife and I have decided to seperate for awhile after 5 years of marriage. The reasons are numerous, but here are some of the main ones.

In the begining of February of this year we lost our newborn daughter after 11 days. This has had a devestating effect on our marriage. It was a combination of things. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together as well. My wife lost her brother a little under 5 years ago. He was 22 at the time. Her grandfather had passed away from a heart attack less than a month before that. So she has had 3 traumatic losses in a relatively short time frame. Sadly, I have also experienced my share of losses. My older brother commited suicide 12 years ago when I was 18, my brother-in-law, her brother, who I considered a good friend, my grandfather a year and a half ago and our daughter. My family growing up was not an emotionally open family I guess you could say. I had to learn to deal with life on my own and because of that I don't share my feelings easily. I tend to fold up inside of myself. This is what I did after our daughter died. Unfortunately, I wasn't there for my wife the way I should have been to help her deal with our lose. I just recently pulled myself out enough to realize the serious problems that had developed between my wife and me, and it might be too late.

We started getting at each other throats more and more, and fighting more often until it got to the point where the bad times out-weighed the good times. I have some jealousy issues, which I am trying to work on, and am talking to a counselor about getting in control of. When my wife and I first started dating a male friend of hers got out of a relationship and started calling her and stopping by her parents house. We had been together about 2 months at this time. I wasn't happy about it, but he swore that he "respected our relationship and would never do anything to interfere with that". Against my judgement I didn't try to prevent them from talking. 2 weeks later he made a pass at my future wife. Fast forward 8 years, Same male friend gets married early this year and is getting divorced 3 months later. Guess who he comes to for emotional support and to talk to? That's right, my wife. He says he "respects our marriage and would never do anything to interfere with that". Where had I heard that before? By nature I don't automatically trust people. I made an exception 8 years ago and got burned on it, and was never apologized to for it. I was not comfortable with the situation at all. I trusted my wife, that was not the issue. I work nights, and this guy was coming over to my house after I left for work to visit my wife. Again, I trust my wife not to do anything, I don't trust this guy though, especially when my wife is alone and I am not readily available if she needs me. Not to mention we live in a small town where people talk, and it makes me look stupid and doesn't do much for her reputation either.

I have a hard time controlling my emotions. They are very intense. After I calm down and think about things I normally see how wrong I was. But at that point the damage has already been done. And the damage has been piling up for awhile without getting better.

My wife and I finally started to talk about these issues. I have apologized profusely for being a jerk and I was the one who brought up the idea of getting counseling for my emotional issues. But at this point she says she needs time away from me to heal and find out who she is after the loss of our daughter. We both still love each other and I want to do everything I can to show her I am serious about making things right and getting my jealousy issues under control. I need her in my life and am terrified that I might lose her. I don't want to just be friends who happen to have had children together. I want to be a husband and wife and a family again.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I can do to show her how much she means to me, or suggestions on other things I can do to improve on my issues I would appreciate it.

[bluelips]

I live in a small town also. I know how that can be. It bothers me but I try to ignore people who "talk".

I don't know if this will help you out, but 2 1/2 years ago I left my husband of 6 years because he cheated on me. I slept in the livingroom for about a year before I got an apartment and moved out. He didn't want me to leave. On my part, the love was lost.

We have 2 children together with 50/50 joint custody.

I walked away from the house and the other things that we had and I went bankrupt. I only kept my car. After about 2 years, he ended up losing everything even his job, going bankrupt also and had to move in with his parents.. The material things aren't the problem though.

The past year I have been realizing that I made a mistake because my children are so confused about all this. They are having such a hard time and there's not much I can do to fix anything because there's no way I'll go back to him. People tell me that I should just think of my happiness, because if I'm happy then my kids will be happy no matter what. That's not entirely true. They don't enjoy going back and forth between parents and my son would rather be with his dad and that makes me feel horrible. My daughter stays with me every other night. My son stays with me when he feels like it. I'm letting him make his own choice because I feel so guilty for breaking up the family. To top it all off, I now have a boyfriend with another whole set of problems. That's another story...

In your case it looks like you truly love your wife. Keep talking with her as much as possible. I think you should do whatever it takes to keep your family together. Just keep letting her know how much you care. Faithful husbands are so hard to come by. You need to make her realize how lucky she is to have you and how much you love her and your family. Make it work in any way you can.

[Devildog]

I have always been faithful, I could never under any circumstance do anything to break that trust she has in me.

Part of the problem is that I haven't been as great of a husband as I should be. physically, I treat her like a Queen. I do the laundry 95% of the time, I do the dishes 50% of the time, I help with the house work. She knows if she wants a drink or a snack al she has to do is mention she is thirsty or hungry and I get it for her. No, I'm not whipped. I like to do things for her to make it easier for her. She has a great deal of stress in her life and I want to ease that stress if I can.

While I take care of her every whim physically, I have been lacking in the emotional needs department. When our daughter died, I folded in on myself and wasn't there like I should have been to hold her and help her deal with her emotional crisis.

How do I keep showing I love her and want to be together when I am not there and need to give her space to find herself? I don't want to rush her or push her away. But I need to make sure she knows that I am still waiting for her when this is done.

P.S. I always hate that "don't stay together for the children" thing. Parents should put their childrens needs ahead of their own. If a relationship can be saved, every effort should be made to save it. But, if abuse of any kind is involved it is better for the children if the marriage is ended. Kids should not think that kind of thing is "normal" or "acceptable".

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds like you have a really good handle on what the problems are, so you're ahead of the game. Identifying the problem is sometimes the most difficult part of solving it.

I was the one who brought up the idea of getting counseling for my emotional issues.

Have you actually scheduled this yet? If she's not ready to go, you should definately go on your own. This will go a long way toward proving to her that you are serious about handling the jealousy issue.

Jealousy is a form of control. Controlling behavior is born of insecurity. It becomes a viscious cycle because the one you are attempting to control is going to try to move further away from you, thus making you feel even more insecure.

Once you have arranged the counseling. Ask her if she'll come back home and support you emotionally through the process. Ask her nicely, without trying to exert control over her.

Admit to her that you acknowledge that you need to open up more. Tell her that regardless of how things work out between you in the relationship, it is still important to accomplish that emotional work so that you can be a good father to your children.

Consider keeping an 'open journal' so that you can record your feelings in a safe way, and she can read and write in it as well. It's an open dialogue that allows you to really step away from your emotions, and each person can correct the others misconceptions.

[Devildog]

Thanks Ladyjane, I am really trying to fix my problems. I have an appointment this Wednesday for counseling. My wife does not want to come along because she doesn't want a third party getting into our problems. I wish she would reconsider because I think we would both see problems that each of us brings to the relationship. I just hope she will be patient with me. I have had 30 years of being the way I am now and I know the results won't be instantaneous. That is part of the reason I am seeking counseling. I have tried to change on my own, but it isn't easy to do.

I did find that journal idea interesting. Do you have any more info on that?

[Ladyjane14]

When my husband and I were having problems, we found it helpful to keep a journal in a central location that we could both write in.

One of my issues was that I was having alot of trouble getting my feelings out. If I talked about them, I felt like I was harping at him. It was kind of like I kept trying to sort out the same thoughts over and over. And by putting them down on paper I was able to throw them away.

By sharing them with him, he was able to comment and correct any misconceptions that I had.

It's very much like an ongoing letter. And because it's written, you end up really concentrating on what it is that you want to say.

I think it's great that you're going for the counseling. She may change her mind at some point down the road. Let her know that it's not all about the marital problems, so she won't feel like you're telling tales out of school.

She'll need to know that you're serious about repairing the relationship. Don't be discouraged if she doesn't get right on board.

[Devildog]

My wife and I are not currently seperated. My brother gets married in the very near future, and my wife and I are both in the wedding. We don't want to break any news regarding this until after the wedding, so we don't ruin their day. So for the time being we still live together.

We have been talking more and we are using this time we are still together to try to get a jump on the game I guess. The fact that I have realized my problems and am taking steps to try to correct them has helped. My wife told me over the weekend that she will not be abe to see me packing, that I will have to do that while she is at work or something. She also told me she doesn't feel in her heart that the seperation will be for very long. It is more of an opportunity to establish who we are as individuals again. After we got married we kind of lost that on both ends. It was something I had been trying to suggest for some time too. We have different interests and we should both feel that we can pursue our own interests and hobbies. So that is what most of the seperation is about at this point.

Plus, we want to get back to being friends again. We haven't been friendly for awhile, and we want to rebuild our relationship and marriage on a friendship again.

The journal idea might work in my situation. I have always had a problem getting my feelings out in words, and usually I speak things that I don't really want to say and that cannot be taken back. The journal thing might help me get the feelings out and do it in a way that I won't say something I will regret later on after I have cooled down.

I do have another question though. I have been a large part of the problem in this, but my wife isn't perfect. There have been some issues and things she does that have added fuel to the fire so to speak. These aren't make or break issues, just problems that helped fuel my anger during the hard times. Should I bring these up and try to resolve them along with everything else, or should I wait until after we have gotten back on stronger ground to discuss them?

[Ladyjane14]

If they're not "make or break" issues, then I think I'd wait for a little while. Tackle the bigger ones first. I think what you're trying to tell her is that YOU need to make some changes. Let her see that you're serious about that.

If you try to fix EVERYTHING at one time, you might find that you're both overwhelmed by it all.

[confusedkat]

someone else said I should talk to you for inspiration on how to regain feelings for my husband. I posted on the "is this marrriage over?".

Sorry to jump in this forum, but if you have time, I would really like to hear how you handled your issues. I posted a couple times on the subject of seperation. I am really having a hard time making a decision, and indecision is the worst part of it all.

Thanks

[Ladyjane14]

I'll send you a PM, but if you want to elicit some more viewpoints, consider opening up a new thread. There's ALOT of people around here who are going through the same kind of troubles. And I haven't found too many to be harsh in their opinions, so don't feel shy.

[Ladyjane14]

(Just tried it. You'll need to go to 'Edit Profile' and enable PM.)

In the meantime, I read through all your posts, and I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. I was in an emotionally dead marriage too a few months ago, so I know how bad it feels when you don't really have any sort of deadline for solving the problems, but you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel either. It's living in limbo with the realization that time is slipping inexorably away, minute by minute, and nothing is getting better.

Anyway, have you cleared all the possible physiological reasons that you could be feeling this way? Depression? Medical illness? Sleep disorder? That sort of thing.

In my relationship, it was my husband who was experiencing some clinical depression. Alot of it I think was brought on by other health problems, but I didn't know it was depression. I thought he was just an a*hole bent on making MY life a misery! lol

Seriously though, clinical depression is more than just feeling sad and empty all the time, as you probably know. It's a chemical imbalance that colors your outlook on EVERYTHING. And I notice that you're feeling really sad and empty by reading your posts.

I've posted alot on this subject, because once you have this really great thing happen in your life, you just want to share it with EVERYONE! And you can read some of them by clicking on 'search' at the bottom of this post. So I won't bore everyone here on this thread.

But the one thing you have to ask yourself, when you've cleared all the phyisical reasons out of the way, is 'do you still LOVE this man?'. I mean the man he is today. If you didn't have all the bad memories, would you still want to be with him? If you could wave a magic wand and make all the bad stuff go away, would he still be someone you'd like to spend time with?

[SoleMate]

Losing a child is one of the HARDEST things a couple can go through. It breaks up lots of marriages. You really must have counseling to deal with this kind of crisis - I hope you can get your wife to see that.

Please check out www.marriagebuilders.com. It's the best advice on how to understand and meet your spouse's emotional needs and thus keep them in love with you. It works two ways, BTW. This is the best thing you can do right now - understand what your wife is craving from you, and give it to her.

[Devildog]

Well, my wife feels like everyone is saying she is crazy when anyone suggests talking to someone. I've tried, her co-workers have tried. Her parents have tried. We can't force her to talk to someone. I hope maybe if I talk to our priest he can help me find ways to get her to talk to someone, or maybe if she sees that it helps me deal with my issues it will inspire her as well.

She has been talking about our future together again, so that is a positive thing. Major things too, like the next vehicle WE buy will be a truck for me since I gave up my SUV to get the car she has. I see talk like that as a positive step in the right direction. Hopefully, this story will have a happy ending for us. I just need to keep working on the problems though. I don't want to think this is a done deal and stop working on fixing the problems.

Who changed the thread title on me?

[midori]

Originally posted by Devildog
Who changed the thread title on me?

Hi Devildog,

Moderators change thread titles from generic requests for help to something that better reflects the actual content of the main/originating post. This helps all readers, and it avoids having ten or fifteen "Help me!" or "Please tell me what you think" threads active at the same time.

Going forward, please direct any questions you have regarding moderating actions to the moderation team by using the "Contact Us" link you'll find by scrolling to the bottom of the page.

Best wishes,
midori

[Devildog]

Thanks Midori. I don't have a problem with it, it just kind of threw me when I didn't find my original title. Maybe an email or something to the thread starter when titles get changed?