Ok, several months ago this guy started flirting with me.. After talking to him a few times, I found out he was married.
From what he says, he's not too happily married, they don't sleep together, and haven't for 2 years, there's no affection, etc.... (I asked most of this---he didn't say it to convince me of anything and I'm aware the scenario where guys do that just so you know, I'm not clueless on that).
I do like him and if he were single, I'd date him, but he's not single so I've enjoyed having him as a friend since we really click. So, we've been friends and, except for a few times, it's mostly been in a business setting,such as taking a walk at lunch (we don't work together). He's cheered me up though during the bad times I've had lately.
However, one day he's distant, the next time I see him he's flirtatious. Today he told me that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. (stupid me had to ask the question, based on him not returning my call).
He said that his wife and him talked last weekend and are trying to work things out for the kids, going to counseling, etc... and talking to me makes him feel guilty. This makes no sense because just earlier this week he was flirting with me again. (which would have been after their talk).
It's really bummed me out though. I meet a friend who has been someone I like hanging out with occasionally and who I can talk to easily and just like that he's gone.
Everyone will say to find new friends but he and I really clicked personality-wise.
I don't even know if his story is true or maybe he just got sick of me. Hell, I feel like I'm so friggin dispensible to people sometimes.
Just wondered what people thought of why he's acting this way---and all of a sudden.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Because he's Married.
Doesn't matter how well the two of you "Click"
He's trying to "Re~click" with his wife...
Talking to you makes him feel guilty, because you both know it isn't just friendship that is being persued.. His wife more than likely asked him to stop if he wants to save the marriage..
So.. yeah sorry, find someone else who is free to "Click" with you..
This guy isn't available, and he needs to keep his "Clicking" in check if he ever wants his wife to "Click" with him again.
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Don't be mad at me when I'm mad at you.
Doesn't matter how well the two of you "Click"
He's trying to "Re~click" with his wife...
Talking to you makes him feel guilty, because you both know it isn't just friendship that is being persued.. His wife more than likely asked him to stop if he wants to save the marriage..
So.. yeah sorry, find someone else who is free to "Click" with you..
This guy isn't available, and he needs to keep his "Clicking" in check if he ever wants his wife to "Click" with him again.
I agree with you.
Stormy...you may be thinking just "friends"...but i garantee you this guy is looking for more....he is looking for what is lacking in his marriage......affection, attention and SEX. Sounds like he has a conscience....and thats why he's being distant.....and maybe a little on the fence on the days he flirts....
IMHO...and it may be a little bias, so take it for what its worth. But a normal happily married man would not flirt and tell his new "female friend" of his no affection, no sex problems in his marriage UNLESS he was looking for someone to fulfill those needs.....
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theres 3 sides to every story: yours, thiers and the truth
It seems like you don't know too much about this guy and you're correct, you don't even know if everything that he says is true. Technically he is still married so if I were you, I'd move on. It would be easier to find someone with no strings attached.
He did try stuff but I didn't let it go too far. But it's really upset me that he treats me now like I'm dispensible. It seems like I'm just a playtoy to guys (or they try for it anyway) and then when they're tired of me, they just discard me. They don't act like I'm a human being with feelings. This has really upset me.
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Quote:
Originally posted by stormywind
He did try stuff but I didn't let it go too far. But it's really upset me that he treats me now like I'm dispensible. It seems like I'm just a playtoy to guys (or they try for it anyway) and then when they're tired of me, they just discard me. They don't act like I'm a human being with feelings. This has really upset me.
When a person is married and it isn't to YOU... then how far is to far to go?
I'm sorry that you got hurt... but in his mind, you knew he was married, you knew he wasn't really available and you stayed anyway... so IMHO you gave him the message that it was all okay with you that he was married, and you didn't have any expectations of him.
No one deserves to feel that they are dispensable.... but to prevent this from re occuring, don't get involved with a guy who is already married to someone else.
Originally posted by stormywind
It seems like I'm just a playtoy to guys (or they try for it anyway) and then when they're tired of me, they just discard me. They don't act like I'm a human being with feelings. This has really upset me.
Stormywind
It seems to me like you have a real problem with low self-esteem. I would say that the last place you want to be looking for love is with a married guy. If you think you feel bad now, wait until he has messed with your head for a few months or even years. Don't question why, just walk away from this experience and never look back. There's someone nice out there for you, someone who will treat you nicely and not just want to use you. You'll know when you meet the right one. In the meantime, remember, they can only use you if you allow youself to be used.
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I wish I had saved all the tears you made me cry so I can drown you in them
Originally posted by stormywind
He did try stuff but I didn't let it go too far. But it's really upset me that he treats me now like I'm dispensible. It seems like I'm just a playtoy to guys (or they try for it anyway) and then when they're tired of me, they just discard me. They don't act like I'm a human being with feelings. This has really upset me.
I feel for you....and I would be upset too. But dont beat yourself up, its a waste of energy. Dont let your mind wander on the bad things....FOCUS on the good things you have/are as a person. Be honest and truthful with everything you do and think. You will be amazed at how good you feel. And if you stay true and focused, you will find someone to love you for YOU.
About your comment of "human being with feelings"
I am in the process of MC with my wife. And after digging deep into myself and actually recognizing and "feeling" true feelings, i am amazed that I have made it this far in life without actually feeling things...does that make sence?....
anyway, from my MC sessions, I take what I am learning about my inner self and use it in my interpersonal relationships and use it to view other peoples interpersonal relationships. Simple amazing....the games people play with eachother without thought of what feelings are involved. I am finding that being truthful and honest with feelings is not a bad thing.....its a good thing......
When a person is married and it isn't to YOU... then how far is to far to go?
Personally, I would say with kissing.
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I'm sorry that you got hurt... but in his mind, you knew he was married, you knew he wasn't really available and you stayed anyway... so IMHO you gave him the message that it was all okay with you that he was married, and you didn't have any expectations of him.
I don't know what you mean. I wanted to be friends with him since we couldn't be more than that. Even if I didn't have any expectations of him, how did that justify his behavior towards me this week all of a sudden? (and why was he flirting with me this past Monday????)
It seems to me like you have a real problem with low self-esteem. I would say that the last place you want to be looking for love is with a married guy. If you think you feel bad now, wait until he has messed with your head for a few months or even years.
Why? What happens?
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Don't question why, just walk away from this experience and never look back. There's someone nice out there for you, someone who will treat you nicely and not just want to use you. You'll know when you meet the right one.
I don't click as well with the others I meet (which is why I wanted to still be friends with him). Or if I do, there are other things that aren't right. For instance, I've been on a few dates with this one guy and like him somewhat but his kids are very, very small and that's a big drawback. And finding someone I want to date (and who wants to date me) doesn't happen a lot either.
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In the meantime, remember, they can only use you if you allow youself to be used.
I hope by that you mean that a person should walk away, not that they *caused* the other person to use them.
Sounds hurtful and disappointing. I'm sure on a certain level HE'S disappointed to. He probably had fantasies about you, about leaving his marriage and starting over....who knows?
But the fact is, he made a decision to reconnect with his wife. This was probably a very heavy decision, especially if they have been having so much trouble for the past couple of years. He is probably experiencing many confusing, conflicting and painful emotions.
For him to be 'just friends' with you is probably impossible; he already had taken it past the point of platonic friendship by 'trying stuff' with you. The only right thing to do, if he really wants to fix a broken marriage, is to avoid you.
Sorry, but that's what it is.
Truly, you should not be using this experience as a measure of your self worth. This is a man with many distractions and who is in a lot of pain. He's not really emotional available enough to even get to know you deeply. His walking away has little to do with who you are or what you're worth.
Hold your head high and get back on the dating train. Best way to forget about someone is to get back in the swing of things.
I know it hurts now, but six months from now he will probably be a faded memory.
A year from now, you'll say to yourself "I don't know WHAT I was thinking!"
Location: Heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over
Posts: 5,703
Quote:
Originally posted by stormywind
Personally, I would say with kissing.
You think kissing is okay when it's a guy who is married? Would you think that another woman kissing YOUR husband would be okay with you?
I don't know what you mean. I wanted to be friends with him since we couldn't be more than that. Even if I didn't have any expectations of him, how did that justify his behavior towards me this week all of a sudden? (and why was he flirting with me this past Monday????)
What I mean, is you obviously do and did have expectations of him. Otherwise you wouldn't be offended now that he has chosen to end the "friendship" The thing is, he isn't married to you.. so I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel he needs to justify anything to you.
Why was he flirting with you on Monday... because he has an interest in you. But regardless of his "interest" he isn't available period. He is MARRIED. He has told you he is working things out with his wife.
So the bottomline is this.. IF you wish to continue to persue this with him, then you do so knowing he is married, and knowing he doesn't feel he owes you anything.
[quote]Hold your head high and get back on the dating train. Best way to forget about someone is to get back in the swing of things.[quote]
I just started dating but I don't click with him as well--and that's the case way too often. That's why I wanted to have "him" at least as a friend. I don't find people I click with that well and with him, I clicked a lot. Plus he has so much going for him too and I don't see that a lot either and I admire it.
[QUOTESo the bottomline is this.. IF you wish to continue to persue this with him, then you do so knowing he is married, and knowing he doesn't feel he owes you anything. [/quote]
I disagree with that. I have a male coworker who is a friend of mine. If he did this, I would be hurt as well. If any friend did this, I would feel hurt. I think that's normal. And I'm more sensitive than many people, so I feel it even more deeply. However, I still think it's normal for anyone to feel this way---even with just a friend.
Now, the fact that he did get physical with me does make the hurt greater. (to me anyway).
You know, I can't tell if he's a good guy (since he feels guilt and is trying to work things out with his wife) or a bad guy (because of what he tried with me--and especially since he knew I was very vulnerable at the time.
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