[tanbark813]

Ok, my gf went to a bachelorette party this past weekend in Tahoe. She got up there Friday evening and got back Sunday late afternoon (she came to my place). She told me beforehand there would be a stripper and plenty of cocaine available for the girls. As far as I know, she doesn't use that regularly, but she has in the past, especially during a really crazy time for her in college.

I wasn't thrilled about the whole thing, but didn't really give her a hard time and was cool with it for the most part. Of the girls I've been with, I think she's one of the more trustworthy. The bride, however, I already know isn't entirely faithful to her fiance. The bride was my gf's best friend in high school (graduated almost 10 years ago), and they keep in touch these days, but aren't quite as close as back then.

Anyway, the big weekend rolls around and I made plans to hang out with my friends. She sends me 3 very sweet text messages Friday night between about 6 and 8 saying she misses me and so forth. I was pleased since I didn't think I would hear from her until Sunday.

So I go out with my friends and on the way back from the bars at about 1am, I get a call from my gf. The reception was really bad, and I was in the car (not driving myself), so it was a little hard to hear. It turned out one of the other girls grabbed the phone. She was just chatting with me and then blurted out: "I saw [bride's name]'s nipples. I also saw [my gf's name]'s nipples too." (She was clearly trashed.) At this point I get a little worried and ask her to hand the phone to my gf. She gets on, says she's pretty wasted herself, and I ask her what that was all about. She gives me some story about how her friend must have seen her nipples when they were in the jacuzzi or whatever.

We talk on the phone for 15 minutes or so, she says things like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, etc. etc. We finally get off the phone and everything's cool.

Okay, so I hang out at my friend's place until about 2am, then take off. On my way home, my gf calls again to say hi. During this conversation she says they actually had the stripper that night (he was originally supposed to come Saturday but there was some scheduling conflict). We talk a bit and get off the phone.

She called me again at 3:30am but I was asleep and just saw the missed call alert the next morning.

So Saturday afternoon rolls around and she calls just to apologize about calling so much the night before. I tell her it's no problem as I was pleased to hear from her since I didn't think she'd be able to call at all. She says that all the girls were puking that morning (not surprising), and so forth. She called that night around 9pm to tell me she won some money at the casino and they were already heading back because everyone was dead tired.

Sunday rolls around. My gf leaves Tahoe and gets to my place about 5pm. We talk more about how her weekend went.

Now, some of the things she told me sound fine by themselves, but I've had some time to let them sink in and when all these little things are put together, it paints a different picture.

My gf at first said that she wasn't sure when her friend must have seen her nipples. She said they had two showers in the bathroom in the cabin and it could have been there. Or maybe it was the jacuzzi. Or maybe this, or maybe that... Ok, fine. But then I realized that when her friend said what she did, it was only after they had been up there for about 6 or 8 hours, not the entire weekend. It seems odd that she couldn't pinpoint it more precisely.

At another time, my gf said that when she called the first time, they took the phone away from her because there was a rule about not calling SO's. In a seperate discussion, she said that at the time they were taking away the phone, some of the girls were deleting incriminating pics of the bride with the stripper. Apparently she was straddling him and he pulled down her shirt to lick her nipples. He also did something under a sheet with the bride but my gf doesn't know exactly what. My gf was also saying that all the girls were coked up and egging on the bride to do stuff. (So why not egg on the other girls?)

So now, when you put these things together: The stripper came and messed around with the bride. Then they deleted pics at the same time that one of the girls tells me over the phone that she saw both the bride's and my gf's nipples. Why mention that in the same context unless they were related?

The only other options are:
1. She saw their nipples in the course of getting ready (i.e., in the shower). But she said that after they had only been up there for part of the evening.

2. She saw their nipples in the jacuzzi. But if that's the case, then why didn't my gf just say that to begin with? She seemed to not know when it could have been, and wasn't able to pinpoint a specific time, but had plenty of other details to share about the rest of the night.

Bits and pieces of this have been entering my thought process here and there, but it all didn't gel completely until about an hour ago. Now I'm sitting here all worked up, waiting for my gf to get out of class so I can talk to her, and posting here partially to vent and partially for feedback.

Hopefully some of you have read all this. So do my concerns sound legitimate or am I just nuts??

[SoleMate]

You're nuts for focussing on the nipples instead of the cocaine.

Also...lots of men here say that fondling a female stripper isn't cheating. Based on that logic, even if your gf got coked up and let a male stripper lick her nipples, that wasn't cheating either.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

i wouldn't try to split up over this, your being silly. don't do the 3rd degree, if it was you, you wouldn't like it.

[young&idealistic]

Ouch! I'm going to be a little more paranoid than the others who've responded, based on my own experiences similar to your girlfriend's situation. I guess this all depends on what your definition of cheating is, but I think your girlfriend probably had her nipples licked by the stripper.

There was coke around, and this was her old girlfriend. She's been a fan of coke before, and this was a major occasion. I think the chances were pretty good to say the least that she partook. She had a 15 minute talk with you while she was wasted in the car with her friends? Sounds like she was geeked up. She knew she didn't have to talk to you until the weekend ended, but she felt the need to contact you Friday night. This means she loves you, but maybe had a little bit of a guilty conscience.

And even the most conniving and smart of girls can't account for their drunken dumb friends that grab the phone from them and say something stupid about what happened. This is why if you're a smart girl you try not to make calls around dumb drunk girlfriends. So, you found out some info that your girlfriend didn't know you found out. While she was still wasted she thought she explained away her wasted friend's comment. But once she sobered up, she probably couldn't remember when and how you'd found out about the nipple thing, so she played it off like it could have happened at any point, hoping that, as a guy, you'll choose the less stressful route of letting it go (by the way, you guys usually let it go if it prevents you stress.)

So, yes. I agree that your girlfriend's drunk friend wouldn't have mentioned that she saw the bride's nipples and your girlfriend's nipples in the same sentence if it hadn't been in the same context. But I will at least say that no more than nipple exposure and lickage (is that a word?) happened, or she wouldn't have had the nerve to call. And if anything more sexual had happened, the nipple thing would have never even been brought up.

[Papillon]

Our imaginations are terrible things. C'mawn...you really worry about some skanky dude in a g-string stealing your bird?

I think the big issue is that your g/f went to a bachellorette party (1) where there was cocaine (2) a stripper who did more than the bump and grind and (3) your g/f may have gotten naked or partially so in connection with all of the above.

Evaluate your values (to me such a party is fine, strippers are tacky but not immoral so long as there's a limit to what they do, cocaine is so clearly out of bounds as not to rate a comment) and see where you come out.

Personally, your g/f might be great and nice, but (1) she definately knows some questionable people -- if she's so different from them, why does she hang with them and (2) she stuck her hand into the lion's den.

You already think something happened, and its not because of facts but because the red flags are so strong. Its the flags that are the issue, not what did or did not happen on this trip. Evaluate whether she's the kind of person who is trustworthy to care for what you're giving her and decide what to do from there.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Papillon
you really worry about some skanky dude in a g-string stealing your bird?

I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about whether or not my gf is trustworthy.



To young&idealistic: That was kind of my thought process and is why I asked my gf about the party a few times. But she swears up and down nothing happens. I dunno.. In a way it's good to know that someone else echoes my own fears and that I'm not just nuts.

Originally posted by SoleMate
Also...lots of men here say that fondling a female stripper isn't cheating. Based on that logic, even if your gf got coked up and let a male stripper lick her nipples, that wasn't cheating either.

Well I'm not one of those men so to me it would be cheating.

[Adunaphel]

Perhaps her friend was just teasing you.....she was drunk and thought she was being funny.
But it really sounds like the stripper saw her nipples.

If you've already voiced your concerns to your girlfriend, and she said nothing happened, you'll probably never find out.

Cecelius is right, though - what was she doing in such an environment - at a party where there was cocaine, and with such people?

[EC]

OMG ok get over it she was having a good time and ther was cocaine so what? She likes to do it thats her problem...

The cocaine is not the factor here...Her being trustworthy is...Has she ever lied to you? Has she ever given you reason to?

I think they were all drunk just having a little fun with the girls...If the stripper did something with the bride thats the brides problem...I think they were coked and drunk so the deatils are probably a little hazy in her head...She couldve shown her nipples or maybe she didnt...I think you should just sit her down and look into her eyes and ask her ONE MORE TIME...without yelling or coping attitude.."What happened at the party?"

You guys can't fall apart lol I admire you and your LDR...It's still and LDR right? or no?

Anyways give her a chance....

[tiki]

The coke thing is your choice as to whether or not that's cool with you.

Now, to the nipples. You've got to realize the stripper probably saw the nips, based on the other 'facts'. I agree with EC regarding the sitting her down and asking calmly WTF happened. I have no idea how coke effects the brain/mind, so I don't know if she should remember what happened while she was on the coke. I'm not familiar with that aspect. But do sit her down and listen to her. What've ya got to lose? G'luck on your sitchie. I hope it all works out well.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd
The cocaine is not the factor here...Her being trustworthy is

I agree.

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd
Has she ever lied to you?

Yes, a few times. That's contributing to my concern.

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd
I think you should just sit her down and look into her eyes and ask her ONE MORE TIME...without yelling or coping attitude

I do neither of those and try to be as calm as possible when I ask her about stuff like this. We've already discussed it a number of times. We spoke about it over the phone this afternoon some more. She sounds honest but one thing was kind of weird. She asked what I would do if she really had let the stripper lick her nipples. I told her that if it happened and she told me, I'd be pissed and we'd work it out, but if it happened and she lied about it to cover up and then I found out the truth from someone else, then that would be the end of things. She got really quiet after that but still swears she did nothing wrong.

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd
You guys can't fall apart lol I admire you and your LDR...

Thank you. And yes, it's still a LDR until she finishes her Master's (about another year).

Originally posted by Adunaphel
Cecelius is right, though - what was she doing in such an environment - at a party where there was cocaine, and with such people?

Well the other girls that were there she doesn't really know. She just went because the bride was her best friend in high school and they grew up together.

[Adunaphel]

If this can mean anything, many girls are not turned on by strippers.

Admitting the stripper licked her nipples (which is *not* proved), would it make any difference to you if when he did it she was not turned on one bit by the stripper, but she was laughing out of embarass, or something like that?

If she was thinking (about the stripper) something like "when will this *idiot* stop????I don't want him to do this!!", would it be the same thing as if she had enjoyed it?

I think that sometimes people follow lines of thought like this (not that I think it's a smart one):
if I have my nipples licked by a person whom I feel nothing for, by whom I am not even remotely aroused, I allow him to lick them only because my girl friends will tease me to death otherwise, I don't feel anything while he is licking them, then I did nothing *too* bad.

(my bf has an history of crossing lines with female friends while he was with me and feeling he did nothing wrong because "to him it meant nothing". I think he *really* reasoned this way. )

I myself I'd feel less guilty if, for instance, I kissed a guy I felt nothing for and I found bad looking than if I kissed a guy I'm really attracted to while I am in a relationship.
(this is very hypotetical, I'd not do anything like this)

If the stripper *really* licked her nipples, would it make any difference if she didn't enjoy it one bit and allowed him only because her friends insisted?

[crazycatwoman]

Time to take her on Jerry For a lie detector test LOL

if its bothering you that much, just tell her, listen i want to know what happened, i will be understanding, just tell me, like give her an out ....as long as it didnt go farther then nipple licking, ( if your ok with that far, which i think is completely cheating but thats just me) . tell her i want to know right now what happened, if you honest i will be fine, if your not and i find out later your out of there

her friend obviously has a big mouth......and everything comes out in the wash.......thats true.........u cant keep everyone that was there to keep there mouth shut forever.........she might just take the out

[crazycatwoman]

ps... i agree with Adunaphel

i think male stippers are sick, i would be horrified if one was waving his cock in my face or attempting to touch me lol

[EC]

She sounds honest but one thing was kind of weird. She asked what I would do if she really had let the stripper lick her nipples. I told her that if it happened and she told me, I'd be pissed and we'd work it out, but if it happened and she lied about it to cover up and then I found out the truth from someone else, then that would be the end of things. She got really quiet after that but still swears she did nothing wrong.

I had hope but now I'm sorry to say I do believe the stripper licked her nipples.

The way she brought that up is like the oldest trick in the book.