[heebiejeebies]

My therapist suggested doing this, so here goes:

I'm a 25 year old man, and I met my ex girlfriend when I was 23, and she was 24. Not a big age difference, but I knew from the beginning that she was a mite controlling, but I'm really passive so that wasn't a huge deal to me. Besides, I like girls who can take charge, and know who they are.

Also, she's very fair skinned, and I'm very dark, and that really turned me on. I used to think of her as my angel. Used to. Past tense.

She was a beautiful girl, we fell in love very quickly. I let her sort of wine and dine me. After two months, we were engaged.

After the first three months, things started changing around our apartment. I'd get screamed at for not putting a glass in the sink (even if it was right beside the sink), and other petty things.

Then, after a while, things progressed to an even worse state. I left a pair of socks out, and she attacked and bit my chest. Then, she slapped my face and kept saying that I was cheating on her, that I had no respect for her, and that she was going to make me quit my job, and take my car to work, so that I wouldn't be able to leave the house because that was the only way she said she could trust me.

Eventually, I began to think that I was just a bad guy. I came from a good home, and my mother never acted this way towards my father: they were always kind to eachother. I had no experience with such a controlling personality, so I blamed myself for her actions.

I thought that if I could be a better man, she'd stop hitting me and biting me. It didn't hit me to think that she didnt' respect me, or care about my feelings, or how her words or actions hurt me. At least, at that time.

I was also very embarrassed. I mean...I'm a man, I'm supposed to be strong and macho. And, physically I am. But, I let this tiny, 125 lb woman brow beat me, until I thought that I had to keep the secret of our abusive relationship to myself.

I was afraid for my life many times.

Things started getting even worse. I was not allowed to hang out with any of my guy friends because they were all "bad influences, because you know your brother cheated on his wife, and he'll probably rub off on you!"

Then, she started acting out in public. Everytime another girl would look at me on the street, she'd flip out. She'd yell at the girl, "Are you looking at my man? Well, take a picture, 'cause he's coming home with me tonight!"

It got to the point where I stopped going outside except for work (she didnt' take that from me!)

She started gaining weight, and as that happened the jealousy increased. When her weight hit 150 lbs, she pulled a gun on me. At least, that's what she was upset about before she pulled the gun. That's just a logical guess on my part.

I left that night.

After she pulled the gun, she took my keys from off the counter, and took my car to a bar, and left me at home to "think about how my actions hurt her."

When I tried to call out, I saw that she had cut the phone lines from all the phones. I then went to a neighbors, and called my brother, who came and got me.

My brother then tricked me into driving to the police station, and convinced me that I needed to file a domestic violence report against my ex.

I don't know how, but I managed to stay strong, even when she started threatening to burn our place down, destroy my car, kill our cats, and kill herself.

Now that I'm in therapy, I've learned that I enabled her behavior with my laid back attitude towards her, and I'm on my way to recovery. I'm sure that I still have a rocky road ahead, but I'm healing.

My therapist says that it's not abnormal for an abuse victim to stay for a long period of time in a bad relationship. She says that until you get out in the "real" world, that you never realize how bad it really got. That has been very true for me.

I was a battered man, but now I see myself as a survivor. Thank you for reading my posts.

[She's Come Undone]

Beautifully written.

You have a strong soul, I am sure you will come out of therapy with a great understanding of what's acceptable and not in a relationship.

[heebiejeebies]

Thank you so much. It's nice to see a woman's words when they aren't tinged in anger. Thank you for your support.

[bluechocolate]

Wow!! I'm sure that took some guts, even though we're all strangers.

My therapist says that it's not abnormal for an abuse victim to stay for a long period of time in a bad relationship.

I have heard this before & someone also recently posted this in another thread (I can't remember who - so sorry, "who ever you are")

If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out to save its life. If you place it in a pot of cold water & then turn on the heat it will stay there until it dies because at first everything is fine & it doesn't realise the danger it is in until it is too late.

That is a very good analogy for an abusvie & controlling relationship.

Seems like you've got a good therapist & a good head on your sholders, 'cause you certainly sound like you're on the mend.

Best of luck to you.

[heebiejeebies]

Thanks, blue. It's good to hear supportive posts. Yeah, it did take alot of guts. I mean...I'm 6 feet tall, and I'm built like a backhoe, so the humiliation for me WAS pretty intense.

Well, I have to sign off for today. Thank you both for your kind posts. Take care, both of you.

[Think too much]

I think you are a great man and I have a lot of respect for you. I know some men that would have been violent back towards a women if they acted like that. You did go through a lot of mental and physical abuse. I am glad you got away from her. I hope you find a women that will treat you right. I promise we don't all have tempers like that.

[FolderWife]

So how long were you with her?

[DazednConfused]

Great Post!

Well written and heart felt.

Heebie, I hope that some of the abused here can take heart from your story. I am quite sure it took alot of guts to write it and put it here.

I was also very embarrassed. I mean...I'm a man, I'm supposed to be strong and macho. And, physically I am. But, I let this tiny, 125 lb woman brow beat me, until I thought that I had to keep the secret of our abusive relationship to myself.

I would be willing to bet that this happens more often than anyone knows just because of the tough guy attitudes out there.

You have done the right thing, and you will find a better person to be with.

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Hey H. Wow are you ever a strong person...What you have suffered and still standing up. Bet it took alot of work to get to where you are now, That's excellent!!

Sorry you suffered abuse. Most abuse is the other way around so your story really stands out. It really got me. Sounds like she really has problems and I'm glad now you know it wasn't you...But when someone treats you horribly, tells you over and over negative things sooner or later it has to have some negative affect on the mind, body and soul. Your strength pulled you through all this...I'm really happy to hear you're doing well now.

I hope she is getting help, fixing herself so she can learn how to live again normally.


I was a battered man, but now I see myself as a survivor.

You are a survivor....And brave too.

Yes, I am a female, a nice one too, so don't forget there are tons of wonderful women out there who would be lucky to have a life with you! I hope you find love, happiness and someone who adores you Heebie...You deserve only the best!!

WWIU

[oldandie1950]

Heebie,
You said it all just like it should be said. You are a survivor who will allow other abused men come out of their Hell!
Thank You for what you have just done.
You my human friend are one of the guttiest guys i have meet in a long, long time. We on this, sometimes,scary
planet need more individuals with, Please excuse this, balls and heart as big as yours. I would like to befriend you
if that is okey with you.

[moimeme]

She wasn't a blonde female wrestler, was she? She sounds a lot like my ex's former wife. She was as nutso as that - even wanted to kill his parents so she could get the insurance! Like you, he thought he 'deserved' it for too long.

Abuse is abuse - it affects both genders the same way, as your story so perfectly shows. It's true that men are made to feel ashamed and so don't often come forward so kudos to you. Every man who tells his tale will prove to people that female-to-male abuse is a very real and serious situation and that men need every bit as much support and assistance when they are victims as do women.

Your brother was a very smart guy to 'trick' you into going to the police. I hope she ends up in jail where she can't abuse anybody else.