abusive fiance, dont know what to do anymore, i feel stuck

Jenn1984 · 26th September 2004, 4:49 PM

I feel like I have no one to talk to or share my experience with, so I thought I could share it on here. I Have been dating my boyfriend (now fiance) since I was 13. I am now 20. We have a beautiful two year old girl together. Its always been sorta abusive, calling me names, putting me down, hitting, slapping, pushing and insulting me on a regular basis. About a year ago he went away to rehab for drug addiction. I drove 6 hours everyweekend to go see him with our daughter. everything was perfect he said he was going to change, he loved me more than anything and i believed him. now all of the sudden, he got released about a month ago and its like we picked up where we left off. at first it wasnt SO bad, but now the abuse is worse. He is always calling me fat, telling me he doesnt want me and the only reason i am staying there at the house is cause of our daughter (we live with his mother and step dad cause of finances) he wont kiss me anymore, he wont hold me, tellme he loves me and its ilke hes embaressed of me. i try to hold him and he wont asnd i ask him why and he said that he is so serious when he tell me he doiesnt want me and if he lets me hold him then he will be giving me the wrong impression. i dont really have no where else to go, he keeps telling me to leave and he doesnt want me and that its over. but i dont know what to do anymore cause ih ave no where to go but i feel like i need to leave. i try to be sweet, be nice and i geuss basically suck up to him by doing things for him, like cooking and stuff, laundry but it seems ilke it lasts good for a few mins but tahts it. i dont know what happened or what made him change, he just says i get on his nerves and he cant stand to bea round me anymore. i dont know waht to do, someone please please help me.

Thanks,
Jenn

AmazonUSA · 26th September 2004, 4:56 PM

Jenn,

I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you girl - you need to get OUT and away from this man immediately. Your self-esteem is already severely affected. I've been married to man like this and it took me three years to finally break free.

Call the local Women's shelter for abused women, grab your daughter and GO there...right NOW, get counseling while you are there and build a life of your own. They WILL help you! Your daughter will be better off and so will you.

Don't try to second guess why he does what he does, don't try to understand him, don't waste your energy questioning yourself - just GET OUT!!! You are too young to put up with this and deserve a man that will cherish you and your baby - every day, all the time.

My prayers are with you

G

fritziematt · 26th September 2004, 8:03 PM

I agree with AmazonUSA...you need to get out. It isn't going to benefit you or your daughter to stay...in fact this can lead to murder or suicide and your daughter may also find a guy like this to get married to when she gets older. Make sure you get help at the womens shelter and have them help you with a plan to leave. It can be very very very dangerous when you leave an abusive relationship (most women who are murdered are killed by their husbands, boyfriends, ect)...but the longer you stay the worse it will get. Everything that your boyfriend/fiancee is doing is to lower your self esteem and to psychologically control you. You still have a chance to get out before you get married and then have to deal with divorce. You are only 20 years old...you have a chance to get away from the abuse and start a new life with someone who really cares about you and not controlling you...which is the ONLY thing abusers care about...

Here are a few good websites to look at that describes what is going on:

http://www.leavingabuse.com/powerwheel.html

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

The most important thing is safety!

Talk to a womens shelter and get their help.

Jenn1984 · 26th September 2004, 10:33 PM

you guys have really been alot of help, but it really is easier said than done. its hard to leave him adn ihave tried before and succeeded but i guess not well enough because i always came back. i always think he is going to change and then things get better but then they go back to the same old way. i guess i am so afraid of being alone and that i have to depend on him. i can barely pay for my bills out of mycheck, just enough for small bills and car payment. he pays for my cell phone and car insurance which i cannot afford. i feel like i have to depend on him adn if i leave i wont be able to do anything on my own. and when he tells me he doesnt want me no more and i need to leave, he turns around and says oh yeah i forgot you have no where to go cause no one wants you not even your family. i feel like its easier said than done casue i am weak when it comes to this and i guess why half the time i think its 'okay' is because i grew up in a household where abuse happened often, my father towards my mother and me and my siblings.

fritziematt · 26th September 2004, 11:14 PM

That's why you really need to find a womens shelter and get help from them. They can help you with a lot of things or show you where to go. You need to get counciling for the damage that has been done to you psychologically. You are worth a lot more than you have been lead to believe...a whole ton more. What is happening is NOT ok and is not how it has to be. Do you have friends or family in the area?

This page should have everything you need to get help.

http://www.ndvh.org/

I will say again! GET HELP! GET HELP! GET HELP! You know that there is something wrong because you wouldn't be here if you didn't...you just need to take the steps to get help for yourself and your daughter. You can't do this by yourself...

Just some things to think about!

I'm praying for you!