[courtney]

ok here it goes, when we started this relationship I knew that his ex was mentally unstabled and that if she knew anything about me he would never see his daughter again. ok that was something I could deal with, she was the only one who was not to know that we are seeing eachother, so when he goes to pick up his daughter (on the rare occation that he's allowed) I go and find something to do for the day because when he takes his daughter home her mother gives this 6 year old the 3rd degree and wants to know who is here and who daddy was around,so we agreed it would be easier if i am not seen. now we are married, and lately it's been different, because i know she still wants a relationship with him and is under the impression that he is still single attempts to sleep with him and so on. he goes and spends alot more time there than he used to and whats funny about it is that he claims to be going to see his daughter but he goes at 11:30 12:00 at night his daughter is in bed by then since she goes to school now and yet he'll be there for an hour or two longer than you would expect it would take to go "take her some money".

Then I noticed that he wont answer her calls if I am around anymore and wont talk to her when i am in the room, so i acted as if i were going to the store and stoped to listen one day to see if he would return her call as soon as i left,and he did. what made me mad the most was the tone he had while talking to her "the same tone he used to talk to me with when we were dating" then I was mad about he said and the fact that when i made a noise he hurried offf the phone, so i did this a few times and sure enough he called her 4 out of 5 times i stoped to listen.
i guess what i want to know is am i fooling myself or is my mind just playing tricks on me?

[mj108]

No-I don't think your mind is playing tricks on you. He shouldn't be over her house late at night. From my experience---I was going out with a seperated man & he would go over and see his kids & wouldn't come back until 12-1 a.m. He did this 3 nights in a row every week. Some nights he would say he was at a buddies house when I knew he was probably with her. Last Sunday I got a call from him telling me he was going back to her. I tried to ignore my 'feelings' but apparently my feelings were right. I think you should trust your feelings & also ask him about it. See how his reaction is & then go with your gut!

[Mr Spock]

You are SO being played....he's trying to get back in with her. Next time she calls, answer the phone. Do it.

[Orchid]

when we started this relationship I knew that his ex was mentally unstable

There are always two sides to every story. Women don't get 'mentally unstable' unless their guy is giving them good reason(s) to. Point in hand... he is now giving you reason(s) to doubt him, and your own mind. Sooner or later he'll be calling you mentally unstable too.

Has he ever taken responsibility for his part in things going 'wrong' with the ex, or was it ALL her fault?.

and that if she knew anything about me he would never see his daughter again. ok that was something I could deal with, she was the only one who was not to know that we are seeing each other

Sorry, but I don't buy this, he's emotionally manipulating you. Big time. Family courts exist to determine and uphold child visitation rights. Any reason why it hasn't occurred to you or to your husband to pursue this avenue legally?. Your husbands intentions are NOT above board. The only real reason, when other options are clearly available to him, as to why someone would want to keep a new partner a secret from their ex is if strong emotional ties are still there.

now we are married, and lately it's been different, because i know she still wants a relationship with him and is under the impression that he is still single attempts to sleep with him and so on.

Manipulation at it's finest, and dirtiest. Your husband is using his innocent child, the one that he's only 'allowed' to see occassionally - but could easily see regularly, legally, should that be his real agenda - to keep his options open with is ex. Disrespecting you, his wife, by pretending you don't exist to achieve it. Charming!.

Your husband is leaving smelly trails all over the place. Demand that he stop treating you like a dirty secret to his ex - which you never should have allowed in the first place!!, you're just as responsible - take it into your own hands to make it known to her that you exist, one way or the other. Demand that he stop using his innocent child as an excuse to enable his lies, demand that he get legal visitation rights. He'll put up a fight to that though because the real issues here are his feelings for his ex... don't kid yourself. How you can trust someone that uses his child and wife like this is beyond me. Good luck!.

Sorry Orchid, but in my experience some women (and men) are really mentally unstable without the provocation of their ex-lover!

That said...

Courtney- since you are his wife now, I would say that you deserve to go with him when he is "dropping off" this money at his ex's house for an hour or two. See how well that notion is received. His being remarried has nothing to do with being able to see his kid or not. He is the father and therefore has rights, she can't just keep the kid from him because she doesn't like that he moved on. If he has to persue legal avenues, so be it. I think you have a pretty good idea what is going on, and I'm sorry for you. Don't stand for him denying your existence as his wife for one more minute. Then see if the sh*t hits the fan with the other woman.