OK, now I have read a lot of posts in this forum and need to right a bit of a different perspective on things. Let me start off by saying that I am very sorry for all you guys suffering for your MMs and knowing they wont leave their wives etc. And truthfully, yes, I guess the best advice out there is get out of these relationships as soon as you can. However, I have had an «affair» and have in the process lost both my wife and the other girl. My reluctance to leave my wife immediatelly and my lying brought me to losing them both. You need to understand that it was not my wife leaving me (which would be a common scenario) but rather me leaving in an attempt to rescue my relationship with my girlfriend....however, too late. While most men will go out and get engaged in relationships just for sex and/or thrill of doing something forbidden there are others who will genuinelly fall in love with the OW and be prepared to do anything for her. Now, the tricky part is how they do it and how you both behave in the process. When I had my affair I was just recently married. You need to understand that most married men are in a «comfort zone» in their marriages – and crossing into something unknown is quite scarry. We, as well as you, are not sure of what we're entering into and have doubts and concerns all along the way. It is very difficult to end a marriage instantly.....no matter how much we love and desire the other girl. In my case, I constantly had doubts......my girlfriend is in her early 20s and I'm in my late 20s, and getting out of a marriage was quite a challenge. Even though you love her (the girlfriend) and your heart is burning for her, you constantly wonder what's gonna happen after you get divorced. You wonder whether this is only interesting for her 'cause you yourself were forbidden....... My story is in another post so you can read all about it there. We also constantly wonder whether what we're feeling for the other girl is just a passing crush...... and we're making the biggest mistake of our lives. Now why am I saying this? As mentioned in another post, everytime my girlfriend and I broke up due to my marriage she'd cut off any contact thus raising enormous doubts in my head whether I could ever get her back, should I really be doing this (divorce) if she's cutting off contact week after week. Basically, I allways just wanted to know she'd be there for me through the process. I never wanted guarantees such as «oh, we'll spend the rest of our lives together...» but just support during the process.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was lie to her about the status of my divorce. This was a huge one. However, I always feared I'd lose her if I were totally honest. I didn't think she was strong enough. All this does not justify my lying to her..... but sometimes you just get scared and don't want to lose her. I am happy now for not lying to her now even though we're not together anymore. She still thinks I am cause I do spend time with my (still) wife, with whome I have a civil, friendly relationship. She (the girlfriend) sees us and thinks everything I said or say is a lie. And I have no way of convincing her otherwise since I lied in the past. I even offered to introduce her to the wife. And additionally, she relies extensivelly on gossip which in 90% of the cases is pure bull (we live in a small town in Europe where everyone is concerned about everyone's business).
Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Yes, most MM are d***s and will hurt you but there are some that are hopefully worth your while. And I guess you should be the judge yourself. Best luck to all ladies.....
i wish my ex mm was like you.
I would have left my marriage in an instant to be with him.
I just don't understand that for 3 years all he did was tell me how much he loved me and was in love with me, and I'm his princess, his dream girl, the best lover he has ever had, then doesn't leave.
We are not together anymore, because I was stupid to trust a friend and confide in her. She backstabbed me and told mm's wife.
The mm, his wife and me and my husband were all friends. We spent every weekened together with our kids and went to florida twice. Now it sucks. I miss the friendship part. Being in a small town makes it no easier.
Anyways, I love him still so much. He just said his wife came first, so if I came first he would still be with me. I'm really hurt and always will be. We have a little girl together too who is 3 1/2. He doesn't want to come into her life. I gave him alot of chances to, but he doesn't want to tell his wife. My H doesn't know either. I'm not the one holding him back. I even told him I don't want any child support if we decide to bring it to the open. I would loose my husband and stuff, don't know what would happen to him. But I didn't want to be selfish like he said I was. So I laid it on the table for him. He didn't budge, so its not my problem anymore.
Hmmmmmmm, I'm so sorry for your situation. Yeah, you're right, most will tell you they love you, care for you, this and that...but won't make the sacrifice......i know that. I discussed this with one of my friends, I told him I loved her,....... He told me this: That's all good and fine but f**k romance now.....it's time to step up and do something, prove to this girl you're doing what you say you'll do. Again, I never really got the chance.
Another thing, you need to be carefull when approaching your MMs with your requests they leave their wives. This is not to say you guys don't have the right to. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT. However, some men might interpret that as another pressure (and they've probably got plenty of that in their marriages) and you'll cause the opposite effect. Again, it's on a case by case basis.
So you are saying that even though you loved your girlfriend… you stayed in your marriage while pursuing this outside relationship because it was safe and "comfortable" while the girlfriend situation felt a little too scary and uncertain for you??
Sounds to me like you were looking for a surrogate mommy instead of a wife. Someone to hold your hand and wipe your nose after you went outside to play.
Little boys should wait until they're all grown up before they venture at playing house. Perhaps in ten years you will have matured enough to sort it all out. Until then, you absolutely deserve ending up alone.
Meanwhile, thanks for sharing your "perspective", and allowing us to cut through the all the BS and conclude our own. At least it's nice to know the story ended happy for the other two ladies involved! With any luck, maybe they've moved on and found a real man.
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th September 2004 at 6:33 PM..
Reason: removed inappropriate comment
Well, the MM I see tells me he loves me genuinely. He has been with his wife for 13 years and they have 2 children. I know he wasn't happy in his marriage when we first got involved. They even have their own rooms. They never sleep in the same bed together. He has been very emotional with me. We have been seeing eachother for a little over a month now, but we have been friends for two years. He tells me how much he wants to be with me and how he loves me, but he's afraid of losing his children. He is very close to them. He said that if he left his wife he would want his boys to live with him and he knows the wife wouldn't go for that. I know it's difficult for him to leave and I know he might never get the courage to do so, but I don't want to lose him. I can't let go. I love him.
Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO
So you are saying that even though you loved your girlfriend… you stayed in your marriage while pursuing this outside relationship because it was safe and "comfortable" while the girlfriend situation felt a little too scary and uncertain for you??
Sounds to me like you were looking for a surrogate mommy instead of a wife. Someone to hold your hand and wipe your nose after you went outside to play.
Little boys should wait until they're all grown up before they venture at playing house. Perhaps in ten years you will have matured enough to sort it all out. Until then, you absolutely deserve ending up alone.
Meanwhile, thanks for sharing your "perspective", and allowing us to cut through the all the BS and conclude our own. At least it's nice to know the story ended happy for the other two ladies involved! With any luck, maybe they've moved on and found a real man.
Well, thx for the bashing. Enjoyed it thoroughly. It's funny, you got all these posts and threads asking for advice......often emotional support rather than hard-core advice. WE MORE OR LESS ALL KNOW WHAT IS "RIGHT". We dwell on that all the way through our extremerrital relationships. And to answer your comment - the "perspective" was my own emotional account that may or may not help some know the feelings of the other side - not intended to convince anyone of anything.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th September 2004 at 6:34 PM..
Reason: removed reference to deleted comment
Originally posted by g_tabatha
Well, the MM I see tells me he loves me genuinely. He has been with his wife for 13 years and they have 2 children. I know he wasn't happy in his marriage when we first got involved. They even have their own rooms. They never sleep in the same bed together. He has been very emotional with me. We have been seeing eachother for a little over a month now, but we have been friends for two years. He tells me how much he wants to be with me and how he loves me, but he's afraid of losing his children. He is very close to them. He said that if he left his wife he would want his boys to live with him and he knows the wife wouldn't go for that. I know it's difficult for him to leave and I know he might never get the courage to do so, but I don't want to lose him. I can't let go. I love him.
Well, look - at the end of the day it's his choice. My wife and I have a little daughter. But, to stay married just for the sake of the kid I feel would be unfair to both the wife and the kid. My parents stayed together 18 years because of me and then divorced when I was 18. I know how I felt when I found all this out. It felt as if the past 18 years of my life were a total lie. If they can arrange a good visitation schedule his kids can still see him and perceive him as a dad. So, if his feelings for you are this strong (however, you should wait at least a bit longer and see) this should be an acceptable sacrifice for him. Of course, given he really cares for u that much.
Originally posted by MMBastard
But, to stay married just for the sake of the kid I feel would be unfair to both the wife and the kid.
I agree with you on this completely, but I don't know if he sees it that way. I think he feels obligated to stay. I don't even know if I should tell him that it's not good just to stay for the children. I mean I know he loves his wife. I know he will always just like I will always love my son's father. But there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. Should I tell him that I don't think it's a good idea just to stay for his boys?
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th September 2004 at 6:35 PM..
Reason: fixed BB code
Originally posted by MMBastard
But, to stay married just for the sake of the kid I feel would be unfair to both the wife and the kid.
I agree with you on this completely, but I don't know if he sees it that way. I think he feels obligated to stay. I don't even know if I should tell him that it's not good just to stay for the children. I mean I know he loves his wife. I know he will always just like I will always love my son's father. But there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. Should I tell him that I don't think it's a good idea just to stay for his boys?
Definitelly not as he might interpret that as you trying to separate him from his boys. Again, differs from person to person - but I wouldn't. Maybe if he knows you well enough to know you would never try that. And yes, you're right there is a difference in loving someone (more reminiscent of just good friendship) and being in love.
Originally posted by MMBastard
Definitelly not as he might interpret that as you trying to separate him from his boys. Again, differs from person to person - but I wouldn't. Maybe if he knows you well enough to know you would never try that. And yes, you're right there is a difference in loving someone (more reminiscent of just good friendship) and being in love.
Thanks for the advice. I thought I should keep quiet. I know I wouldn't want someone telling me to choose between them or my kids. I guess he is going to have to struggle with this whole situation and when he makes his decision I'll know if his feelings for me were real.
Well, thx for the bashing. Enjoyed it thoroughly. It's funny, you got all these posts and threads asking for advice......often emotional support rather than hard-core advice.
Not quite a "bashing". In fact, I was holding back. But perhaps a virtual spanking…something I figured you might better relate to.
Of course you are needy for "emotional support." You looked to you wife for "emotional support" while you were testing the waters with your affair partner. Then---you wanted "emotional support" from your girlfriend while you weaned yourself off of your dependency on your wife. Now you are looking to strangers to provide you with comfort and support while you find yourself reaping the consequences of your own lies, deception, indecision and bad behavior.
Not everyone is going to play "mommy" for you and kiss your boo-boos. Not all of us are enablers. Growing up and becoming an adult means learning how to make responsible choices, and learning to deal with the toxic fallout of our own mistakes. For every negative action; for every "hurt" you cause to another person; there is an equally negative reaction. OF COURSE if you lie to and manipulate those around you, they will start to avoid you. It's their right to protect themselves. And sometimes all the begging, pleading and apologies you can muster will not be enough to win someone back once they've been burned by betrayal. "Trust" is such a fragile thing, and you have done absolutely nothing, by words or by action, to indicate you are worthy of it---let alone their "sympathies".
Remember: You're not standing in emotional limbo because of fate or plain "bad luck", MMB*stard. You're alone because your dishonesty put you there. Now, you can either turn this "mistake" into a valuable lesson about people, life and relationships and turn yourself around---or you can continue to wallow in self pity and beg "emotional support" from others who have fallen victim to their own vices. If you can't do it for yourself, then at least try to do it for your daughter.
In the end, the only enduring and unconditional love you seek is that between a parent and a child. You'll find it no other place. If you start thinking with your head and your heart instead of your "hanging brain" you might one day grow into the responsible adult role model she deserves. And just because you resent the relationship example your parents provided, doesn't mean you're predestined to follow in their footsteps unless you choose to use it as your "excuse" for cheating your wife, daughter and outside affair partner/s out of the honesty and respect they deserve.
Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO
Not quite a "bashing". In fact, I was holding back. But perhaps a virtual spanking…something I figured you might better relate to.
Of course you are needy for "emotional support." You looked to you wife for "emotional support" while you were testing the waters with your affair partner. Then---you wanted "emotional support" from your girlfriend while you weaned yourself off of your dependency on your wife. Now you are looking to strangers to provide you with comfort and support while you find yourself reaping the consequences of your own lies, deception, indecision and bad behavior.
Not everyone is going to play "mommy" for you and kiss your boo-boos. Not all of us are enablers. Growing up and becoming an adult means learning how to make responsible choices, and learning to deal with the toxic fallout of our own mistakes. For every negative action; for every "hurt" you cause to another person; there is an equally negative reaction. OF COURSE if you lie to and manipulate those around you, they will start to avoid you. It's their right to protect themselves. And sometimes all the begging, pleading and apologies you can muster will not be enough to win someone back once they've been burned by betrayal. "Trust" is such a fragile thing, and you have done absolutely nothing, by words or by action, to indicate you are worthy of it---let alone their "sympathies".
Remember: You're not standing in emotional limbo because of fate or plain "bad luck", MMB*stard. You're alone because your dishonesty put you there. Now, you can either turn this "mistake" into a valuable lesson about people, life and relationships and turn yourself around---or you can continue to wallow in self pity and beg "emotional support" from others who have fallen victim to their own vices. If you can't do it for yourself, then at least try to do it for your daughter.
In the end, the only enduring and unconditional love you seek is that between a parent and a child. You'll find it no other place. If you start thinking with your head and your heart instead of your "hanging brain" you might one day grow into the responsible adult role model she deserves. And just because you resent the relationship example your parents provided, doesn't mean you're predestined to follow in their footsteps unless you choose to use it as your "excuse" for cheating your wife, daughter and outside affair partner/s out of the honesty and respect they deserve.
Look, it's quite simple........I'm not looking for gratification, understanding, whatever. And yes, I have learnt a very, very valuable lesson from all of this, rather than "wallowing in self pity". I previously imagined nothing of this sort could happen to me, I was stronger than that........ Well, never say never.....A kinda new approach on life and tolerance. Yes, being a best possible parent is the main objective and I am commited to that fully.
However, not just for myself but all others in this forum, people come here to unload, plain and simple.....replies are an added bonus if they help out. No matter how strong some of us are/can be emotional aspect of our lives comes out. Thus all the actions, and yes, consequences as well. I've never looked for excuses......as there aren't any. I take full responsibility for my actions both to this girl and to my (still) wife.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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