Troubles of a MM in love

MMBastard

Okay, okay......just to clear things up: I'm a MM who until recently had an affair. Thus ready for all the bashing to come in replies.

My current wife and i had been together for several years until getting married last year. Several days after the ceremony I walked into a store and saw this girl. Now you gotta understand, I'm the person who really wanted to get married and loved my then girlfriend totally. However, i began this relationship with this girl. It all started pretty innocent, we'd just drive around and talk..... We haven't kissed up until three months after we met (the relationship lasted almost 9 months and it never went beyong kissing). After the kiss we began breaking up almost every week. She kept saying she couldn't be the second in my life, she was hurt everytime i went home etc. After getting her back several times (even though she insulted me and told me she never wanted to see me again) I told her I was gonna leave my wife. At that time I lied. I lied to her about many other things.....being home alone when my wife was there etc. Everytime i was with her i tried to make her feel like she was the only one. And to be perfectly honest, I was going to leave my wife.... something I eventually did. She broke it off after arriving at my door when my wife was home (I said she wasn't). My wife did not see her or anything - so there was no direct contact between them two. We met afterwards and I confessed everything I lied. When I did that she just kept cool and glowed in my misery. I attempted to contact her several more times and she more or less told me to F*** off every time, that she had gotten over me and all that. Then a week and a half ago we met at a bar. We ended up talking, went for a drive, and after attacking me and yelling at me for about an hour we kissed, hugged...... She told me how much she loves me, hates me at the same time..... And then the next day she broke off every contact again. Now we're back at: I try to contact her - she tells me to f*** off......

MY question to all you women: OK, I understand cheating on a wife is a horrible thing... and I am utterly ashamed of what I'm doing. I am also ashamed about lying to this girl. And while you might think all MM are pure bastards just wanting to sleep with you guys....it so happens we do really fall in love and can't help it. Really can't. This girl and I were (maybe are) truly in love and I cannot understand what is going through her head right now? If being together is ultimatelly what we wanted - should anything else matter (even lying - which really is pretty common for MM)? I don't know what to do? Should I keep contacting her? Leave her alone?