[tiamat]

My wife and I have been married for one year, but have been together, and lived together for 5 years before the marriage. For quite some time I've been distancing myself without realizing what I was doing, or so it seems to me now.

A few months ago we met someone else, another woman, who became what seemed like a good friend at the time. Although my wife and I had always had the philosophy of "Open Marriage" at heart neither of us had acted on this before. This then friend of ours went through some troubles and we let her stay with us for a short while. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her. My wife knew about this, and except for the first time, was with us either just in the room, or participating.

When we first discussed the "Open Marriage/Relationship" years before, we'd set up some ground rules, the primary of which being that if either of us was uncomfortable with what was happening with the other, we would have a "veto" power to end it, in this way making sure that we kept ourselves in focus, and ensuring that we remained happy with any situation.

After this "triangle" had been going on for a while, my wife became uncomfortable, and asked me to stop. Unfortunately at the time I was thinking with the wrong head mostly and it took quite some convincing on her part to actually get me to stop. When I did, I asked the other woman to move out ASAP as well as it was just too uncomfortable with her still staying there, and my wife and I needing to sort out our own problems as well. You see, for a while we'd been having troubles ourselves and this just came at such a bad time.

When the other woman left, I began to feel guilty about how i'd "invited her in then thrown her out". My wife asked me please not to see her or make contact again. She (my wife) had to travel overseas for a family event and after promising her I would not make contact with this woman again ...

I make contact. Went to see the other woman at her work and to talk. In my mind at the time i just wanted to explain the situation appologise and let us all move on. I ended up talking to this woman for quite some time, and she ended up coming home with me. We did not sleep together, but I did kiss her "goodbye". I told my wife all of this via the Internet & sms.

My wife felt betrayed and that she could not trust me anymore, and didn't want to come home.

This kind of woke me up to what I'd done.
For 6 years it seems I've always put others first. If my wife needed something, but it might upset a friend, i'd rather not upset the friend.

well, My wife did come home about 2 weeks ago. We're trying desperately to work through the pain, the betrayal, and to try not mend what we had, as that was unpleasant as it was, but to create something new, with mutual consideration, love and caring.

My wife is of course taking strain. I'm trying really hard to show her I understand that I betrayed her by breaking that promise, one of many I've broken over the years. I try not to use the word "promise" in any sentence now, no matter how minor, as I can see even that upsets her.

so what am I asking ?

I'm not really sure myself. I'm just hoping for some insight.

I love her more than anything, and the thought of her leaving me, which she almost did, tore me apart.