[VeryConflicted]

Hi everyone. I'm a first time visitor to this website. I was looking for a forum to discuss my problem, and the posters to this forum seem very understanding.

I can't believe I'm even thinking (much less writing) about a divorce. Just writing this is so upsetting that I can't stop crying. I've been married for two years, no kids.

The problem is that I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. He is a wonderful man, and we connect so well on a number of levels. He is funny, smart, sweet, sensitive, and is a devoted husband. He is truly my best friend, but I fear that maybe we were meant to be friends, not lovers.

The sex is good, but before we have sex, I have to utilize other means (adult material) to get excited. The problem is not low sex drive on my part (or his). The problem is that I don't seem to be physically attracted to my husband. I always ignored this problem because all other aspects of our marriage are great.

The catalyst for this post took place three weeks ago. I was traveling on business, and met a man with whom I instantly felt an attraction. It was mutual. It was so amazing to feel pure lust, and to enjoy the sexual tension between the two of us. Nothing happened, and nothing will happen with this man. I want to be clear - I am not contemplating leaving my husband for this man. The incident just served to remind me what sexual attraction feels like.

Thinking about getting a divorce is devastating to me - and not something I take lightly. I cannot imagine hurting my husband, because I do love him. But I fear that I cannot live the rest of my life without a fantastic sex life. I have considered counseling (either couples or individual), but I am doubtful. I don't think I could LEARN to be attracted to my husband.

Please help. This is tearing me up.

Hello,

I have a few thoughts considering your issue. If you divorce your husband what do you think your chances are of finding a wonderful man who is funny, smart, sweet, sensitive and devoted husband? I think most women would be quite envious of you.

Something jumped out at me when I read your post. If you said that you are absolutely physically repulsed by your husband that I could understand you wishing to be divorced but this not what you said. You said the sex is good but you need other materials to get you started. This means that probably through counseling, sexual therapists, and marriage encounters the chances are pretty good that you will be successful in overcoming this issue.

Of course you meet someone new and there is a sexual attraction at times. Do you honestly think sexual attraction is constantly maintained forever?

Again lets look at the positives:
1. Your husband is a wonderful man
2. He is funny and makes you laugh
3. He is sweet
4. He is sensitive
5. He is a devoted husband
6. The sex is good (which is significant) but your not sexually attracted to him.
7. You love your husband
8. He is your best friend

You are willing to throw throw your marriage away without even trying going to marriage encounter weekends or therapists. Please close your eyes and imagine yourself being divorced and involved with another man who is great in bed but a total jerk in so many other ways to you. Imagine reading in the paper your husband is getting remarried and looking forward to starting a family and treating his new wife like a princess. My guess is that the chances of finding another man like your husband is quite remote. You sound very young. The chances of having a wonderful marriage in the long run sound great with a man like your husband.
What is that old saying: there is nobody as blind as a person who refuses to see.

I wish you luck but if you are crying now it will be nothing to the crying you will endure by making this huge mistake. You should trying everything in your power to make it work before you give up. I seriously doubt you will find someone like your husband. Some people never realize what they have until it is too late. I hope you are not one of these people.

[Karlise13]

You should sit down and talk to your husband about your sex life and maybe try counseling BEFORE anything else.

Oh my God...don't throw that sweet man away before making an effort!

There are so many players out there, so many users. If you have a wonderful friendship and all that caring and trust, I suggest you maybe look at what's holding you back from letting all out sexually.

Is it that you associate sex with danger?
What types of men were you sexually attracted to in the past?
Is there an old lover still haunting you?

The issue may be an internal one, rather than an external one.....meaning perhaps it's not your husband that is the problem. Perhaps intimacy is so frightening that your body is doing the Big Chill thing.

I hope you come to a resolution. Please keep us posted.

[sillysally]

I wonder if you have felt this way in the past with other long term relationships. Do you feel that the spark leaves after a while? Because in every relationship I have been in, after 6 mos to a year, the man does not really excite me anymore and I have found myself having to fantisize a lot more to derive pleasure. It's almost like I need new, fresh stimuli to get excited. Does this make sense or am I way off base?

[VeryConflicted]

Wow - I am so grateful for all of your comments. I've been thinking about them all day, and have discovered quite a lot about myself in the process. It's amazing to me that people who post replies - who don't even know me - can provide such insight about my situation. Probably because you all are objective, in addition to having lots of life experience.

Karlise13's suggestion that I associate sex with danger is true - I have always been attracted to "bad boy" types. I never thought about it in these terms before, but I guess maybe I've considered "nice guys" like my husband to be less sexually appealing. I know how stupid that is, and I think maybe now that I've identified that as a basis for my problem, I'll be able to change how I view my husband. (I would welcome any suggestions regarding how to do that). Starting in college, I have had a pattern of dating nice guys, but lusting after bad boys. I just never thought about it in those terms. Thank you Karlise13.

Thanks also to SillySally and Bryanp for pointing out that the spark of sexual attraction does wane after a while. You are so right. Things were never hot in this particular relationship, but in other relationships, they have cooled off. So I have to remember that any spark would fade after a while, and then you have to live with the person. Bryanp, thanks for your straightforward advice about valuing my husband. I really do appreciate how wonderful my husband is.

So, the long and short of it is that I'm going to try to create sparks with my husband and try to have a great sex life with him. I think I'll enlist his help in making things interesting. I'll hold off on counseling for now, but that may be something I'll look into in the future.

I cannot thank you all enough for your advice and for being honest and straightforward with me. I couldn't talk to any of my friends about this (fear of being judged), so I had to utilize the anonymity of the Internet. Thanks for caring about a stranger's happiness.

[kbambam]

i feel for you i am in the same boat

i love my h with all my heart

but our sex life sucks im not attracted to him and i just give in and have sex with him to get him off my back

we seprated a few years ago and i had an affair with another man he was really good in bed and until that time my h was the only man i had been with

my h dose nothing for me his idea of fore play is getting undressed and the sex only lasts for like 10 min from start to finish

we have tried everything counseling toys i mean everything

so here is my advice you need to try and fix things the best you can and if sex is that big of a deal for you if you cant fix it you should take care of your self if you understand what i mean if your marriage is fine except the sex that is something that can be worked around just give it some time

the difference between your marriage and mine in my marriage sex is not the only problem and i am kinda jaded

i truly hope you will be able to work out your problems

From a man’s point of view…

This man can please you if you let him know how. Men want to please you. In fact, bringing you to orgasm will make him feel more like a man than anything else. The problem is most men don't know what they are doing, and the problem for you is that to bring up his inadequacies is like rolling a powder keg through hell. You have to be very delicate!!!

Men want to fulfill you needs, especially sexual, because they need your approval more than anything in the world. I don’t know if he has inhibitions fostered by religion, society, or lack of experience, but if he truly loves you, and I suspect he does from your description, then he wants to get over his inhibitions and be the man who can fulfill every desire you have, both physical and emotional.

I am going to let women in on a little secret. MEN DO NOT GET SUBTELTY!!! WE DON’T GET IT. If you have tried to let him know what you want and like through little hints then he will not get it. If you want us to do something then tell us where, when, and how you want it. You have to do it gently, very gently, but if you can do this a man will kiss, caress, fondle, and lick everywhere you want. AND I DO MEAN EVERWHERE. If you want it we will do it. YOU MUST BE DIRECT WITH MEN! CAUTIOUSLY DIRECT, BUT DIRECT NONE THE LESS.

Hope this helps.

[TMCM]

While not being sexually attracted to your H is something to be deeply concerned about, I think you should be more concerned on whether you have what it takes to be in a committed relationship like marriage. It could be that the real issue is not that you H is not sexually attractive to you but that your H represents a lifelong committment that scares the hell out of you. Ask yourself what if you left your H for another man you were sexually attracted to and after some time you also lost your sexual attractiveness for this other man as well? You need to do some serious soul searching with the woman that looks back at you in the mirror.

[Tracy]

You are doing the right thing by trying everything you can to fix things in your marriage. And, you are lucky that you have acknowledged the problem early in your marriage. My marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs. We have been apart almost 3 yrs, and are trying to reconcile, and it is not easy!! Do everything you can now before things are so far gone that you can't get them back!!

First, talk about it with him. Try to be open, if you are tactful it sounds like he is the type of person who will listen. Read some books. Go to marriagebuilders.com. There is a section on sexual aversion that has been extremely applicable for me. If you don't see results in the next six months or so, try counseling.

Don't take things lightly at this point. You are fortunate that you have a chance to make a difference!!!