Have any of the OW had any experience with going NC for a while to see how the MM reacts? Does he kinda freak out and want to be with you, worried that you're not interested in him? Or does it work in the opposite way - that is, he thinks "eh, there's another gal around here somewhere..." MM, any thoughts?
i'm supposed to be entering an NC phase now, but my situation is different from your's since we're supposed to be broken up. even though he had requested me to limit contact a while ago after his wife found out everytime i'd call he'd say that he appreciated me calling and that he his lack of contact with me wasn't because he didn't want to. my fear now is "out of sight out of mind." i know he needs to focus on his marriage but still... there's a part of me that wants to remind him that i'm there. and even after he told me he was going to try to work on his marriage he told me that it was ok for me to call and see how things were going. which left me even more confused. i think he's caught in the middle. wants me to go away but doesn't want me to go away. so, at the beginning we were emailing and talking on the phone constantly. then it became we'd talk about once a day when he was in the office. now, i don't know what to do. it's only been two days but feels like forever. but i know calling to check in after two days would be silly. luckily, i suppose, he's been out of town and i wouldn't be able to reach him anyway. even though his co. pays his cell bill she requested copies so she could see how much he was in contact with me. and she'd snoop through his email when she could and always was convinced that when he was out of town that i was meeting him whereever he was. she said he had taken me and my kids on vacation and was supporting us. i wish.... some extra cash would make my life so much easier.
so... not sure how the NC with your situation will work out. but, i'm terrified to do it.
I don't use it as a tactic to get to see him more often. But every time he feels that I am upset at him and ready to go NC, he is with me more than any other week.
As a MM with an xOW I can tell you, "It works"! I don't know about using it as a "tactic" persay, that would imply you want to manipulate this person somehow. Use it instead for your own benefit. Go NC because you believe it is best for YOU. I have stated on this board before that when my xOW would do this I would practically run out of my house to get to her. Problem is my xOW went to well once too often which is why she is now an xOW. It is important to know that my actions were based on the fact that I loved her, without that all the NC in the world won't work.
Oh, one more VERY important thing! DON"T BREAK UP WITH HIM! Instead just go NC. When he calls you, and he will, just tell him that you've been busy doing whatever. Make something up if you have to. This will make him think that you're either having fun without him or even worse that you have met someone else.
Last edited by Bourget; 5th August 2004 at 8:31 AM.
bourget - as an MM who's been through this... and i know there's really no answer but i have to ask. if a married man really is in love with the OW and i believe mine was in love with me, and says that he doesn't love his wife, doesn't even realy seem to like her, the kids are moved out....what would make him want to go back and try to make things work in a miserable situation? i'm about 99.9% sure i wasn't being played.
bourget - my MMs kids are 18 and 21. the younger life is on hold for a year before he officially goes off to college so they originally talked about postponing the divorce for a year until he's settled. now they may be talking about reconciliation. she's been threatening him a lot with trying to ruin his relationship with his son because of me.
i hope, for both of their sakes, that they either work things out or get out. from what he's said it's a mess.
he didn't request NC from me, just limited....i can call to check in and see how things are going. but i'm not sure how much is too much.
As of three days ago I no longer have an OW. I am in a marriage. Am I happy? Yes and no. My story is very long and complicated. I have a W that would do anything to make me happy and who loves me more than anything in the world(besides our son). I love her too but I am not "In" love with her. While I feel safe and secure with her because I have been with her for 18yrs there are some things that are missing from our relationship. Little things that add up to alot.
If my OW had been more stable and not played as many manipulative games I would be with her today. She just shattered my confidence in her while simultaneously boosting my image of my wife as a result of her attempted manipulation of me. I believe my OW did this because of her own insecurities. She requires a great deal of attention and if she's not getting it she will create a situation with which to get it. I don't know if she was insecure because of me being M or if she's like that with every guy she dates.
In any event I miss her and I still love her. Go figure!
Last edited by Bourget; 5th August 2004 at 9:53 AM.
At 18 & 21 I doubt she can ruin his relationship with them now. I was 10 when my parents got divorced and my mother did EVERYTHING she possibly could to ruin my relationship with my father. She didn't. As long as I knew my father was interested in my life our relationship was fine.
bourget - that's pretty much what i told him and that he should feel confident in his relationship with his son. i think she had him terrified... of course i always wondered how their kids would feel if they knew how she treated him. but i also knew that he would never get involved in a "can you top this" battle with her and the kids. she also threatened to ruin him financially. i encouraged him to see a lawyer because there was only going to be so much she was entitled to. we're not talking about lifestyles of the rich and famous here. for some reason that i don't understand she really had him terrified.... i could hear it in his voice so i don't know if there was something else going on. he'd had one affair before that he told me about. actually she sent me a message saying that this wasn't his first affair and probably wouldn't be his last. he was really open about one that happened 10 years ago. but it just always felt like she was holding something over his head. and i didn't want to pry.
i just can't imagine staying or trying to work out a relationship out of "fear" - what a sad, sad existance!
this is difficult. i just wish i could talk to him or better yet see him. i hope to the end of sept. when i'm in his area but i'm afraid that he'll be "busy". i know he's afraid that if he sees me it's going to make it difficult for him to reconcile. the attraction and connection between the two of us is very, very strong.
I am sorry to hear that. I am not one to advocate extramarital affairs or a divorce until all possible solutions have been exhausted. While I like the way things are with my MM, I don't expect him to leave his wife and I know he will never do that. I also know that I compensate whatever he lacks at home.
We have been and still honest with each other and we know the situation we are in. I am learning a lot from him and from the other posters about marriages and infidelity. I hope to keep all these in mind if one day I get married.
Bourget -
How long did your relationship with the OW last? In retrospect, if she had been more stable, more "normal," do you think you would have ultimately left your W for her?
NC only works if they're trying to contact you. I would imagine those involved with a MM value their brief time together too much to hold out for very long, one of the reasons NC is so hard to do......
The best thing to do is be "unavailable" kissmytiara. If a man knows you're there at the drop of a hat, the hat becomes less fun to drop. I highly suggest finding another source of companionship, it's never good to put all of your eggs in one basket, and it helps soothe the obessive, manipulative, crazy behaviour one is want to exhibit when they're vyying (sic) for something they can't have.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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