She makes me feel like she doesn't respect me sometimes!
It's like when i didn't do anything exciting during the day (i have a 9-5 deskjob for crying out loud) she'll come off saying stuff like, "wow, you're such a dud". I didn't mind it at first but now i think it's starting to get really annoying. We've been dating for about 4 months - 2 months exclusively. The thing is, i think we don't have a lot in common to talk about sometimes. She loves to talk & so when she asks me about something i can't relate to (geez, is it my fault i'm not into that?!) i think she gets frustrated & starts talking crap (like mentioned above).
Although things have gotten a lot better, sometimes i wonder where this relationship is going. We care deeply for each other & what happens in each other's lives (that's for sure) but sometimes her 'joking' makes me wonder what she really thinks about me. You know what they say, jokes are half-meant. She'll jokingly say stuff like "i don't even know why i'm with you", "okay, let's break-up". And there was this one time she answered the phone and i asked who was there and she'd tell me "oh, dont worry, some stupid person" then i'm like, "that's not very nice" then she'll reply "yeah, but that person doesn't know that --that's what i refer to you when you call" --i give her the WTF look then she giggles and gives me a hug as though she meant "aww, i'm sorry - i'm was just kidding". WTF?!
The weird thing is - she doesnt show any signs that she's ashamed of me or anything. Geez, she even wants me to meet her friends from highschool (i'm 21, she's 20 btw). Then she keeps telling me how happy she is with 'us' and tells me all her friends know about me and can't wait to meet me (oh crap, is that a good thing or a bad thing??). She's told me that she's happy more times than i've said it. She was the one who initiated getting our pictures taken. She says 'i miss you' more than i do. So i'm thinking what gives? Could it be that she's more into the 'us' aspect of the relationship than she is with me? Or maybe she's just a spoilt brat that has yet to grow up?
Well, i feel as though this post is a bit rushed so if i'm missing anything (which i feel like i am) or if something doesnt sound clear please let me know.
WRONG! Maybe you care, but she most assuredly doesn't. If she did she'd never say things such as:
"wow, you're such a dud"
"i don't even know why i'm with you", "okay, let's break-up"
"yeah, but that person doesn't know that --that's what i refer to you when you call"
This woman is trouble from the word go, my friend. This is behavior is textbook emotional abuse. She likes hurting people (especially men) and making them chase their tail. It'll only get worse and she'll jerk you around until you have no self-respect left.
I'm going with the "spoiled brat" and hasn't grown up yet option. The things she's saying aren't something you say to someone you care about. I suppose if its that she has an odd sense of humor it might be ok but it doesnt sound like it.
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"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness"
StartingAgain: Yeah, you might be right. Might have to show her the door soon if things don't change. But first... who says we can't have a bit of fun? Maybe a taste of her own medicine ..muahahaha! (i treat her too well!)
Fritz: Yeah, i'd put my money on that too. Her friends have told me that they're actually surprised i've even lasted this long with her. They say she's as complex as it gets and actually applaud me. Before i dated her i did a background check on what kind of a person she was and i got the following from her friend (who also happens to be a good mate of mine):
Friend: "Oh, well she's really nice, a good person, very friendly...but she can be weird sometimes"
Me: "Weird? How so?"
Friend: "Just weird. I can't explain it. You'll have to find out for yourself"
She's really a great person -- its just the weird and childish crap she does sometimes. She can go from altruistic, principled and compassionate straight to ruthless, supercilious and tactless in a blink of an eye. Fortunately more often than not she fits into the former descriptions rather than the latter.
I'm willing to see how far this goes. But with caution of course.
A testament to how childish she can be. One time she actually praised her 8 yr old brother for making fun of a girl younger than her by giving her the "what?" treatment whenever she said something.
She can go from altruistic, principled and compassionate straight to ruthless, supercilious and tactless in a blink of an eye.
Oh, she's female! LOL
How old is this woman? Well, you've only been with her four months. That's not much of an investment. Sounds like you have your guard up and should be fine.
who says we can't have a bit of fun? Maybe a taste of her own medicine
Oh no, don't do that. Don't compromise your integrity by sinking to her level. Rather the next time she speaks to you in this manner, firmly and matter-of-factly tell her that you won't tolerate being treated this way any longer and to never speak to you that way again. Don't argue with her. If she tries to make an issue of it, simply tell her goodnight and that you will talk to her about this when she can do so as an adult.
Are you sure this isn't just her sense of humor? If it it, just let her know you aren't into that type of sarcastic love. Maybe it truly is how she expresses endearment to you. I don't know.
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Bushido - the way of the warrior
The 7th Sense. I see skanky people. They lie and cheat but they don't know it.
It seems if she feels comfortable talking to you this way after four months...chances are it is only going to get worse. Its sounds like the cycle of verbal/emotional abuse.
Check out some of the post from people who are currently or have recently left an emotional/verbally abusive relationship...may fit.
Sorry man...it sucks...I'm in the process of divorcing a "joking" ass myself...but it took me seven years
Okay i've took your advice and read the thread on For u woman who have been in a verbally abusive marriage ....things, i'm afraid, don't look too bright
I love this girl. I really do. We have such great potential to be so happy in the future together. And i think deep down, we're both looking that way and are both committed to getting through any obstacles in our paths and taking our relationship as far as it can go.
But there's just THIS one problem right now. And i don't know how to fix it apart from talking to her straight up. Maybe trying to understand where this problem stems from may help? I was just wondering if maybe her verbally abusive dad (i'm not sure if it's limited to just that) would have anything to do with it? He's had military experience and she's told me that she wouldn't blame her mother if she cheated on the bastard. I've never heard a thing he's said but from what she's told me he can say the meanest of things. Everyone in their household applies.
If it isn't apparent already her relationship with her dad is far from amicable. The ironic thing is she just might be transforming into the very person she could never have imagined (i even remember her asking me one time if i've ever found myself acting like my dad - or turning into the person he was). She's a smart girl so maybe she's aware of it herself but is simply in denial. I don't know.
A lot of times people throw those insults out as a preemptive defense. She is probably very guarded and insecure with the idea of being vulnerable to you, so she rags on you to protect herself. That type of sarcasm could mean anything though.
She may just be a bratty child at heart. 4 months is not enough time for you to see all of her sides.
What you do, is you go "Stop ****ing with me, and insulting me. I hate it, and it makes me not want to date you."
Simple as that. If she still does it, you're right, she doesn't respect you, and probably anyone for that matter. If she loved you, she could sacrifice her childish insults to keep you happy. That isn't asking for much.
And i don't know how to fix it apart from talking to her straight up.
YOU CAN'T FIX THIS FOR HER. This is her problem, not yours. If she'd willing to get help and you want to stick by her, there's nothing wrong with that. It just means you care. But it takes abusive people a long time and a lot of pain before they finally decide they need help.
You are simply too young and there are too many opportunities for love for you to tie yourself up with a problem as difficult as this one. Were the two of you married, I'd say that you owe it to her to stand by her and support her if she's dedicated to solving her problems. But you are not married to her. It's time for her to get out of and stay out of any relationship until she discovers the cause of her abusive behavior and gets it under control.
Sorry, man, but I will say again that there is pain her you don't want.
Things can only get worse. I know, I'm in the process of getting myself out of an abusive marriage--fortunately we don't have any children.
If she is treating you like this 4 months into the relationship, just think how skilled she'll become at abusing you when she has more experience and/or if you and her were to have children together.
"Why?", is a question that survivors of abuse ask that only keeps you in the abusive relationship longer. You can spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why she treats you with disrespect and never find the answer. You can't fix her.
Yoy say, "She can go from altruistic, principled and compassionate straight to ruthless, supercilious and tactless in a blink of an eye." Like Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde? Sounds like the old "suck/bash" routine. She sucks you into being comfortable and vulnerable and then just when you are feeling good about things she bashes you.
Do yourself a favor, research verbally abusive relationships on the net. Realize that your reluctance to leave the relationship is normal and be ready for a backlash when you do breakup with her. She may stalk you or make false accusations against you. Breakup with her in a public place and don't meet with her or call her after you do breakup.
You deserve someone who will treat you with respect all of the time.
- ridicule you and then tell you it's a joke
- threaten to leave (joke afterwards)
- criticize you and call you names
- start arguments after you have been intimate with each other
- present a positive face to the world but negative behaviors at home (errm not exactly sure - all i know is she's different when she's at home ..she's afraid of her dad etc.)
I scored 5/21 and like a couple of you have mentioned it's only going to get worse.
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In truth, home is also the place where our personal conflicts are worked out, sometimes in ways which are destructive.
These internal conflicts may involve issues of anger, power and control - all of which can lead to verbal abuse. The verbally abusive household is usually not a happy place, and, in extreme conditions, it might not be a safe place
Yep. She grew up in a verbally abusive household. Not sure to what extent. She's so afraid of her dad (v.a.) she can't even tell him she's going out.
Alrighty. So according to what i've browsed through one of the main reasons for such behavior is power/control and possibly unresolved anger. Which explains why one time when i dropped her home - she refused to go back in the house (it was past 1230am) claiming that she was waiting for her "other boyfriend". I ignored her comment and I told her to get in because it was late but she refused and then we wound up arguing. Geez. I always asked myself -- "why did she say that? she just completely wrecked the night!" But then i realized it was to make me feel insecure so she could gain the upper hand...Power.
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When things seem to be going well, a fight emerges unexpectedly
She has VP positions in the extra-curricular orgs that she's involved in, does exceptionally well academically and at times manages to gloat for being 'better' than someone else. At first i thought it was just her competitive nature and her desire to achieve but there apparently seems to be more to it.
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The abuser, who also suffers from damaged self-esteem, sees him or herself as the victim and uses power and control over others as a way to survive in what he or she sees as a threatening world
Seeing her for almost 5 months now i'm quite convinced that this applies to her. But are there any doubts? What are the chances that all my assumptions are wrong?
The big question right now for me is What do i do?
When i said i loved her i really meant it. I can't just leave her. I can't. Even more so with what i've just discovered. Have i been brainwashed? Maybe. But the fact that i'm aware of the issues involved in our relationship tells me i've been able to think rationally. Afterall, reason is the faculty in which we observe reality. But what is my solution? I want to help her. She's obviously oblivious to the reasons as to why she behaves the way she does. So someone please direct me to a path in which i can help her rather than showing me that my only option left is to pack my bags and leave.
Talking to her. That's a start. But what should i say? I want to tell her everything i've discussed. I'm just not fully aware of the repercussions and how to go about it It's obviously a touchy subject.
I know this whole thing may not end up the way i'm hoping and praying it will. But i must try. It's not out of guilt. It's not even out of obligation. But it's because i truly care for this person.
"When i said i loved her i really meant it. I can't just leave her."
You better go back and read some more. Abusers count on your loving them and not wanting to leave. YOU DON'T STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. It may be painful to walk away, but far less painful than what you will endure if you stary. Things will only get worse as time goes by.
I agree that one shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship BUT she's a smart and a very understanding girl - we talk about psychoanalysis all the time, there must be a way i can address such a problem with her?
I want to work through this with her not just because i'm her man but because she's my friend as well. I want so much for her to be happy. If not with me, then at least with somebody else later on. But that won't happen if she continues to have these issues that she's not even aware of --and even more so if i walk out the door now.
Again, apart from walking out, which is the obvious last resort --what else is there that i can do?
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You are simply too young and there are too many opportunities for love for you to tie yourself up with a problem as difficult as this one.
But you see, i don't want any other love. I want this one.
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Sorry, man, but I will say again that there is pain her you don't want.
I appreciate the warning. I really do. But i have made up my mind and i refuse to leave her just yet. Not without a fight. So again...
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If she'd willing to get help and you want to stick by her, there's nothing wrong with that. It just means you care. But it takes abusive people a long time and a lot of pain before they finally decide they need help
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
She makes me feel like she doesn't respect me sometimes!
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