[Starting Over]

My boyfriend and I broke up on Memorial Day weekend. We had been dating only six months. We, and everyone we knew!, thought this was "it". I've never had that experience before. He had never dated anyone for more than 2 months.

We coasted past the 2 month mark, and eventually met each other's parents. He made me laugh (great sense of humor) and we had a great time together. He said he had prayed that God would send him a "good girl" and He had. I thought the same.

A month ago was our six month mark. He had been out of town for job training. He comes from a family of workalholics. I tried to be supportive, even when he was gone so much, late for our dates, preferring to stay home and rest rather than seeing me.

We had also been discussing marriage, which was a big decision for him. I felt like my mind was pretty much made up though. Thought he was the one for me.

I just can't explain how great this guy was.

Then, at our six month anniversary date, he simply sent me a text message "Happy Six Months, yo ". Keep in mind, he had previously been secretly keeping track of the number of weeks we had been dating. It became sort of a joke between us...I'd say How Long has it been? He'd say without thinking, 13 weeks!

So the Happy Six Months, yo message said a lot to me without saying anything. Shortly thereafter he said he needed a break and that he truly hoped this would be a break, not a breakup, and that we'd live happily ever after one day.

We emailed a couple times. Now he doesn't respond to my emails at all. Yesterday he mailed me some items that I had asked him for a month ago. No note in the package. Just the stuff. FedEx.

Since then, I've been home from work with the worst kind of upset stomach. I think it has finally dawned on me that it is probably over for good. I don't know why I feel that, he might just be having his "break".

I thought we were going to be married and today I feel so disillusioned. Or maybe I can see clearly now.

I've gone over this a lot in my head over the past month, talked to friends, sought advice, prayed to God for wisdom. And now, I think it's best to just throw in the towel. Yesterday, after I received that, I said to God, "Lord, I just give up...I"m sorry but I give up".

I know there is hope. Possibly for us. Definitely for each of our lives whether or not we get back together.

I wish this email were more positive. I think that after one month, I'm now in the acceptance stage that this is over. Like so many of you, I just can't believe it. Somedays I feel like nothing is wrong and I could just pick up the phone and say, "hey, what's up? how's work?" Or I think he's just out of town and I'll get a call or a text message any minute. Maybe I'm in denial, not acceptance.

Meanwhile, I'm home sick with way too much time to think about this. Or maybe just enough. Just enough to move on.

I'm not sure any advice is needed. I just needed to write.

This forum has been very helpful. I know that I'm not alone going through this. It's a normal part of dating life.

Next time I date, I'm going to take it much more slowly. And I'm not going to believe all those promises. Promises that turned out to be empty.

[danny8630]

Hello,

Maybe it is best to throw in the towel(i know its rough to take in). Something must've changed his mind about things...and it was definately NOT you. I just got out of a similar relationship where my ex g/f does sleep rather than call to talk to me. Moreoever if i do call her, i have to have a reason for my call. I'm really close to throwing in the towel myself but we still talk sometimes and say I love you still...Im very confused about things and i also ask everyone for information on what i should do. Most say just to move on(very difficult for me to take in, refusal). Sometimes i want to move on and not have to suffer through days, then other times i think about what will leave me...exactly...what will leave me.

[Lonelystar]

I know its tuff... be strong. I wish I could give you better advice but thats what helped me. I just took one day at a time...cried when I needed to and finally one day I was over him. I know you can get over this guy too...just takes time.

[Bojickwoman]

My tale is a similar one with the exception of we dated over a year, long-distance. Thought we were going to get married etc. We have been broken up for 2 months today. I still talk to him via email, but it is just SO hard. I miss him terribly. The only advice I can give is to let your feelings out. Cry as many times as you wish. Also, try to get out of the house and do things to try and take your mind away from it once in a while.

[Starting Over]

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for your posts. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I've been taking a mental vacation from the whole thing. I think you all gave good advice..."cry"...

That's about all that I can do now as my ex emailed (EMAILED!!!) me Friday morning to say we should make a "clean break" of it. Then he says, tell your family I said hello and take care! I was in total shock...in the midst of this small-talk-filled email, he broke up with me. It actually makes me laugh as I'm writing it because it just is so absurd. I can't believe it.

I haven't written him. I wish we could end it on good terms, but my gut tells me the best thing is to not contact him at all. If we ever become friends it will be because he initiates it. I wish I could say he'd be lucky if I were still interested, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I would jump at the chance probably...ugh...what's wrong with me? Even after how he's treated me....

I went out of town this weekend and wallowed some of the time, and had a blast some of the time.

In my mind I keep thinking of things I could say in response to his email, but it's all in vain. I think I keep thinking there is something magical I could say or do to fix it all. I guess I'm having trouble letting it go. Even not responding to his email is an underlying effort to gain his respect again. Oh, que sera.....Let Go and Let God. I need to work on that more.

I'm praying every day, just for God's will for the whole situation. I'll include each of you in that prayer too. Loving (and living!) is hard. We can use all the help we can get. So I'm going straight to the top, the Head Hancho

Thanks again for your kind responses. I admire all of you for keeping in touch with your ex's the way you do. I'm sure it is not easy. I'll share what one of my friends recently said to me when I was so confused and despairing over this break-up...she said "there may be hope for the two of you afterall...but, regardless, there is definitely hope for YOU and your life, and all that God has planned for it". The same is true for all of you.

I wish you all goodness and grace!

Love,
S.O.

[packersgirl]

Some guys are just rotten. I had a similar experience, well not really. The guy I thought I was going to marry lead me on for 9 months, saw other girls and somehow convinced me that it was ok because we weren't really "dating", then he broke my heart after I took him on a very expensive date for his birthday. Oh yeah, he brought along his future wife at the time too (he's now engaged), without letting me know until I picked him up that day. It took me a while to let go and let God. I honestly thought he was the one for me. After a lot of prayer and time away from him, I got over him. He too broke my heart over email. Makes me laugh now that he had to hide behind a computer to do it

I love the fact that you're turning straight to God for this! He will lead you and guide you through this. It may be difficult to see now, but if this guy isn't the one God picked out for you, then theres an even better one out there! The best advice I can give you is get away from him... get rid of everything that brings him to mind, delete his phone number from your phone, hide his pictures, don't allow yourself to dwell on him and his memory. Everytime he comes to mind, let that be a reminder to pray to God and ask him to ease the pain and to let him go! You'll know when you're truly starting to move on when you don't wish bad things upon him but are praying for him to be happy, whether that involves you in his life or not.

I hope each day brings you a new hope. I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

[Starting Over]

Packersgirl:

Thanks for the encouragement! I'm glad to hear that you got that guy out of your life!! I feel for his fiancee, I don't think she has a good marriage ahead of her unless he's done some serious changing...which it doesn't sound like he has.

Thanks for the prayers...it's been a hard week. The other day I thought about all the good stuff from our relationship and it just made me cry!...it's easier sometimes to be mad than sad. I have thrown out all reminders of him. The one problem is that I made friends with a couple of his female acquaintances...they aren't very close to him...but one is dating his best friend...and I know they see my ex occasionally. I really like these girls and would like to continue the friendships, but it seems that all I do is talk about my ex. I guess I will try not to talk about him the next time we go out. If that doesn't work, maybe I won't be able to hang out with them for a couple months.

I think you are right...hopefully down the road I'll be able to genuinely pray for his happiness. Right now I say the words, but its hard to mean it. My heartfelt prayer is that we'll have a second chance, to take things more slowly, keep the relationship pure, and really get to know each other...fall happily in love for the rest of our lives. That's my prayer, if I'm being honest. But I just remind God to hear my words and not my heart. My words are that God's will is done, and intellectually I am sincere, emotionally I'm not so much. But I'm sure that God understands that.

Thanks again for your advice. I'll add you to my prayer list too...I've already added the other folks on this thread

Take Care,
S.O.

[Curt]

I hope and pray that you can find the peace within your soul that you so desperately need right now.

You are clearly a woman of great character, wisdom, and intelligence. Your post speaks volumes, and is resplendid with spiritual strength.

I know what it is to look to the heavens and fervently ask God to move within the heart of the woman I care for so deeply ... it physically hurts sometimes. I've almost begged Him to bring her heart to know my affection.

I've tried to get into contact on a couple times very recently. She has my number. I've hoped against hope for that telephone call. I've even wished that she track me down, and bear the same heartfelt affection for me as I have for her.

Alas, it has not happened, and I know is likely not to happen at all.

I pray for your peace. Please God let us know that, if You have brought us to this, you will bring us through it as well.

I am reminded of the verse...

"O, Israel, O Israel, how I would have gathered thee under My wings, but ye would not! When will ye stop stoning the prophets and they who would lay their lives down for thee?"

Melodramatic I know, but it does give my frame of mind as of late.

Curt

[Starting Over]

Curt,

Thanks for the prayers and the compliments. I think that suffering brings about wisdom...whether we appreciate the suffering or not. It reminds me of a verse from Romans 5 in the New Testament...

"..we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces endurance; endurance, proven character; and proven character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

So, I think we grow in character as a result of our sufferings. I'm not so sure, to be honest, that I am growing in hope, though.

If anything, hope has died within me. My faith keeps me holding on, by a thread. This website has helped too. And my family and friends have been an enormous comfort.

But as for hope for my relationship life, I don't have any left. See, this story about my ex is not so uncharacteristic of some of my other dating stories. My step-mom said she thinks each of our relationships bring us closer to the right person. I have trouble thinking that there is a right person for me. If there were, why does this horrible cycle just repeat itself? Since I was 18 years old it seems. (I'm 30 now!)

I honestly just wanted to die when we broke up, because dating him was the first time that I imagined that the cycle had changed. That all my pain had not been for nothing, because I had finally found the right person. This guy that loved me, heck, thought I was perfect! And now I don't what happened. I just don't understand it.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic here. But, I just don't understand. I tried so hard to have hope and believe it was right. I cried the first week of dating because I feared that it would eventually end the way it has. And it has.

If I were someone else reading this I would probably say, seek counseling and Prozac I'm already in counseling and on Prozac. I never told him, because I just wanted to be the happy girl to go with my happy guy. I wanted to be fun-loving and easy-going. This is contrary to my normal nature. I'm still trying to be those things, even though the pay-off won't be winning him.

That's what I've been trying to do for the past six months...win him...I started the minute he won me. And when he stopped trying to win me, becuase he obviously had accomplished it, I tried to win him. Some people say maybe I tried too hard. I think that maybe I shouldn't have "tried" at all. I should have just been myself...and maybe we'd still be together. Or maybe I would have found the right person for me rather than add another six months of baggage that I now need to get over and heal from.

I'm sure that I'm the one perpetuating this cycle. I just don't know how to change it. I can't change him though, so I have to change me. Somehow. With the Grace of God I suppose.

It's amazing how honest we can be with ourselves within this forum...and anonymously. I appreciate it.

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. This really is a godsend for me.

Wish I had some encouraging words to end with, but I'm really just trying to get through each day. It's already noon and I haven't showered or left the house or done anything productive. ugh.

S.O.

[Curt]

Phil 1:6

"He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it."

[Starting Over]

Thanks Curt...It is quite helpful

[KaiaMahina]

You're not alone, Starting Over. By the way, I'm a fellow Michigan girl now living in Massachusetts.

I know PRECISELY what you're saying about this never-ending, viscious and excruciatingly frustrating and painful cycle! I, too, have been told "Don't worry, this wasn't the right one and the only way to get to the right one is for this relationship to be over."

Yeah?! Like how many times? I was married once (to a man I only LIKED, I was never in love with him) and since being divorced 7 long years ago, I have had nothing but repetitive relationships of being with men who didn't have much time for me, or were unwilling to commit in any significant way.

When I met my (most recent) ex, I thought, "They were right! I went through all of those other relationships and their hard times and the terrible breakups, and the rejections because HE was the one and it took time to get to him! At 43, and 7 years of essentially being alone, I've finally found him!" I was so happy to have someone who loved me so much that he called me in the morning to say nothing more than that he loved me, and shared every problem and grief that I had and let me share his with me. He was wonderful to me in all respects, and treated me as I have dreamed of being treated. He talked marriage without my mentioning it, and asked me to go look at rings with him. The following week I was dumped be telephone at work, with him saying, "I can't have a second divorce!"

That was exactly three weeks ago. Knowing him, if he was going to contact me, he would have done it by now. Hope has died inside me as well, and I feel sometimes as though I wish I could die. I'm in counseling and on meds, but nothing really matters to me. I can simply sit on the couch doing nothing, without even the tv on, for hours. I do what's necessary to function, and that's about it.

I've been terribly angry lately...he wanted me to trust him and actively sought that trust...I let him closer to me than any man has been in my life. I surrendered my emotions to him and my vulnerability because he said to me, "If we ever break it, it will be because of you. I'll never leave you." Now that intense emotional intimacy is gone. No more phone calls, no more "I love emails" no more sharing the little day to day things, no more ending our evening conversations with "I love you," no more snuggling closely in bed and holding each other. I can't understand how he could leave me, and it's hard to believe that my life changed from being happy and secure with my husband-to-be to being alone and emotionally adrift...

Your posts touch my heart because I can feel how deeply you loved this man, and how hard you would have fought for him! Like you, I wonder WHEN all this will end! Am I being punished? Is this karma? Am I supposed to learn something from these repetitive disasters? If so, WHAT?! Or is it just random spitefulness, visited on my by some malignant entities (I can't believe that God or any gods would send this kind of pointless suffering on someone) over which I have no control? I'm beginning to believe that there IS no one for me, and I don't want to embark on another relationship because of the certainty I now have that it will end the same way as all the others. Are some people just meant to be alone, always yearning for love, always wishing to GIVE love, but forever denied? These are the horrible possibilies that pass through my mind at 3 AM when I wake up and can't go back to sleep.

You're a strong woman, and an intelligent one, and I hope all these best for you. I wish I had answers, but I thought that maybe you'd feel not quite so alone if you knew that I am on the same merry-go-round as you...

[Starting Over]

Kaia,

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. Thanks for having the courage and kindness to share it with me!

Sounds like a case of cold feet on the part of your ex. It's weird, that WE are ones in the counseling!! I think my ex and your ex should start some group therapy for men with cold feet. Sometimes I think we are blessed to be women, and have a more emotional side, that we have girlfriends we can share openly with..and talk out our concerns with. Men don't have that...so when they are struggling emotionally they just do what seems to be the logical solution...if I a) don't want to get divorced, then I b) shouldn't get married...makes enough logical sense to them! But to us, the problem, not wanting to get divorced...has a thousand other solutions....like, make a committment! Realize that marriage is a sacrifice...that they are joys as well as pain...

I know that there are a lot of reasons that people get divorced, and I can't begin to imagine them all...never having been married. And many reasons might be out of one's hands...

My ex b/f feared divorce the most when we got close to the topic of marriage. It's funny that I never mentioned that...but since your email..I realize our two ex's had that one thing in common. And we were so in love!! And he was so scared of that...the minute he thought "I want to propose to this girl", it all fell apart.

I've just assumed it was me...and it wasn't meant to be. But maybe it was him, and he is scared. I feel so much more forgiving toward him when I think that.

But what can we do? I don't feel like it's my place to be his therapist....I just hope that God heals him, if he needs it. If it is me that needs the healing, I pray that God heals me.

Regarding the pain of the breakup...take care of yourself!! You are precious and special and just b/c your ex is scared, it doesn't take any of that away! His love for you is what you deserve...I have no doubt that you still have that love from family and friends and most of all God. The beauty of a relationship is that we are told we are loveeveryday sometimes. But when we're not being told it, we stop believing it-- even though it's still true. I guess, as a world, we should tell our friends and family more often how much we love them. Or I should anyway.

I wonder, if you could talk to your ex about his fears. Tell him that you understand, and if he needs more time, it's okay. I just wonder. I don't know your relationship, so take my advice with your own wisdom and knowledge of the situation.

After reading your email, I think that maybe I should open the door to my ex. I know he loved me, more than he's ever loved anyone. My guess is that he still loves me in a way. I still love him, thanks for reminding me of that in your email. All that I've felt lately is hurt. Maybe I'll give him some space and then email him someday.

I think that for me, right now I'm just going to try to take care of myself. I've signed up for an art class, I'm moving into a new apartment, I'm working more hours and thinking about going back to school. All these things will enrich my life and show me that there is life after my ex-boyfriend. It's a good life.

Gosh, your email...and the sympathy it brings me for my ex just breaks my hardened heart. Maybe that's what I needed though and didn't even know it.

I'm going to add you in a special way to my morning prayer list...you and I have so much in common as to what we are going through! And I have no doubt that God is with us. He knows our pain and cries tears with us. I once heard this song that said, "Life is hard, but God is good." I believe that. It's not God punishing you...He's the one that heals us...and loves us unconditionally and will never leave us...He'll never say, "I need some space". ha ha. Sounds ridiculous just typing it!

I'm not sure if you're religious, but I hope you don't mind me sharing my beliefs with you. And when I say, belief, I mean it. I believe that, more than I believe that the sky is blue. I hope that it gives you some comfort, it is my only reason for sharing it.

Take strength in God. Also, from someone else who is in therapy...I have benefited from asking my therapist the simple question of "how do I get through this?" How do I avoid just sitting around crying? She actually gave me a list of things to help me cope..and they have helped.

Be well.

Sincerely,
S.O.

[KaiaMahina]

Starting Over, it touched my heart in the warmest way that you should include me in your morning prayer. And no, I don't mind your sharing your beliefs with me. I'm not religious (meaning that I don't subscribe to any particular belief system), but I am very spiritually inclined and am certain that there's a creative and loving entity which directs all things.

I'm glad that you feel softened toward your ex and I hope that when you do decide to contact him, that he will respond positively to you, or in whatever way is ultimately to your good.

As for me, I know that my ex was very frightened...cold feet, just as you said. I understand that, and I feel for him. But he was the one who jumped the gun and moved the relationship very quickly toward marriage, even moving the date forward several times. I realize that he had the best of intentions, and that he probably genuinely believed that he would go through with it, but I still feel it was irresponsible of him to do what he did. You simply don't wreak such havoc in another human being's life this way.

Plus, my ex has a very controlling and somewhat verbally abusive mother with whom he has what he called "a problematical relationship." Her response to his news of our engagement was, "It's YOUR life." I understand that he loves his mother, even though she's unloving and critical toward him (while fawning on his siblings), but he's not grown up enough (at 49) to realize that sometimes DNA means nothing. He is striving to win her love and approval, and the approval of his siblings, and this means allowing them to control him. I threatened the status quo for him, so he had to remove me from his life.

So, it's a two-fold problem with my ex. My sister says that he doesn't understand that old saying, "You can't go home again." He's trying to recapture his life with his family before he left them so many years ago, but he seems determined to forget WHY he left them in the first place! It's like he's 19 again. I also understand his fear of divorce, but he's the one who told me that there are no rewards in life without risk! That his fear is greater than his love for me tells me that he's not the man for me. The man for me is one who overcomes his fears to be with me.

It may be that the only reason I was in his life was to provide him an opportunity to learn a hard lesson. Maybe he'll begin to look at his situation with open eyes and realize that his life in the world outside his family is better than being suffocated, criticized and controlled. Maybe he will overcome his fear of serious commitment because of losing our relationship. Maybe he'll go on and find someone else and won't make the same mistake. And he would never have done so without the catalyst that I provided. Yes, it's hard to think of him being happy with someone else...but what goes around comes around. If I wish him happiness, perhaps some happiness will come to me.

So today I took all of his things -- a shirt he left, little gifts he gave me, a CD of him playing his music, pictures, etc. -- and took them outside and put them in the garbage. I have held onto them for 3 weeks, but I don't see any point anymore. They've been sitting in a big bag in my kitchen all this time, but today was garbage pick up day...so out they went. I deleted all his emails (and I had saved every one he ever sent me), his pictures, his music...everything, from my computer at work and at home. Unlike him, I don't like to dwell in the past. Those things would only cause me hurt to look at them, and slow down my progress.

But YOU!!! Look at all the things you're embarking on now! That's terrific! And it may be that you wouldn't have done these things, or wouldn't have done them in quite the same way, if he hadn't ended your relationship. Perhaps he was a catalyst for you. You're a source of real inspiration for me, and even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you!

Hang tough, and like the Navajo song, walk the rainbow path!

[Starting Over]

I thought that was an appropriate subject line. I feel like I'm making really poor post-breakup decisions. After Kaia's email I decided to offer my forgiveness to my ex. I did and he readily accepted, continuing to be apologetic. It was a sweet email.

Since then, I've had this renewed hope in my heart that maybe he wants me back. He hasn't really done anything to suggest this-- except show some interest in where I am on any given Saturday night.

So I sent him this email...that I regret....just making small talk about some online dating service I joined. I wasn't trying to hurt him...but I just want him to know...to know that his little indirect checking up on me is not leading me to believe sincerely that we'll get back together. I want him to know that I'm not waiting and he better come after now before it's too late.

Last week I sat down and cried, going over the list of reasons in my mind why I still want him...I had a long list too!! Maybe I should work on my list of why I don't want him anymore...starting with the fact that he no longer wants me.

I just can't believe this is happening. I don't get it. I don't get it. One day I suppose I'll be able to look back at the course of my life and appreciate that this is the course it took. Right now, I'm dumbfounded. I want to email him and say "Are you really sure this is what you want?"

The end of the work day is the hardest part. I have a 45 minute drive home from work and I just want to cry the whole way home. Then I stay up watching stupid tv shows to prevent myself from crying. Last night I gave up, because I'm not getting much sleep....I just turned the tv off and cried. And I felt a little better.

Mostly, I just want a miracle to occur (please God, if it's your will!)- that will bring us back together. I just want to pout until it does.

S.O.