[loveinasia]

Dear all,

Here's a complicated story, and wanted all of your expert advice and opinions as to what I should do, and where will this lead?

I've been dating this girl for about 5 months, and it's been pretty intense. Both her and I had a boyfriend/girlfriend respectively. About a month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, and have stayed apart from her. And she had always said that she wants to be with me, but needed my support to help her do it. Well, about two weeks ago, it finally happened. She decided to move out of her Boyfriend's place, and move into mine.. I asked her at that time whether or not she was sure she wanted to, and she said yes. Now, when she moved in, I wanted her to spend as much time with her friends as possible, and didn't want her to go from one controlling relationship to another (her boyfriend is very controlling, doesn't want her to have a job, doesn't want her to study her MBA, sometimes is physically abusive, etc..etc..).

During this week, it was of course tough.. her boyfriend did the usual stunts like msging her saying he hasn't eaten for 5 days, he fainted when he was on the street, etc..etc. And I counselled her through it, and she trusted my opinion. In fact, she had mentioned that if he didn't call her, she would actually be ok. Until one day, of course, he shows up downstairs of her office, and she goes downstairs.. Next thing I know, I get a call from her saying that she's getting married.. Of course, I said that she should not make such big decisions at the time, that this is going to affect the rest of her life, blah blah blah (at this point, I just knew that nothing that I was saying is getting through to her). Well, three hours later, she calls me to see if I am alright, and she says that I'm so good to her, etc..etc.. I asked her why she made such a decision, and she said that "he's really changed"...

Well, the next day, she came over to my place, and I helped her move out. I told her that because I loved her, I'm going to let her go, but perhaps if some day something goes wrong, she could always contact me.

Then.. No contact for two days, until she heard some news about me over the grapevine that I may relocate.. And she IMs me to say that she was shocked.. I said to her that it was just rumours, I am not relocating.. and then called her to ask if she was ok, and she said at that time that she regretted the decision. I asked her why she regrets the decision, because if she regrets the decision because she feels guilty about what she did to me, then that's not a good reason. She told me that she doesn't know whether or not it was the right decision, and I just told her that I was worried about her. She also said that she thought it would be a better idea if we stopped talking until she was more clear in the head, which I agreed. I told her that I wanted her to make a decision that would make her happy, whatever that may be, and do it for herself, don't do it for me or the other guy. I told her not to worry about me, that I'll be fine, and that her happiness is the most important thing right now.

Well, two days later, I gave her a call (DAMN, shouldn't of done that) and said a bunch of sweet words to her. And she told me that she doesn't know whether or not it's the right decision, but she told me that she loves me and that she misses me. I really think and feel that her heart is with me, since during our time together, I can really feel that this is true love. I also asked her if she likes receiving my emails, and she said that she does.

My personally feeling is that I've done all that I can from my end.. and any more phone calls would hurt, rather than help, my chances. The boyfriend now is suffocating her (checking her email, checking her SMS messages, wants her to resign her current job, etc..etc..) She is also now in the process of planning her marriage (so she told me).

So, here comes the question...

#1) Is No Contact the best play here?
#2) What do you guys think will happen to us?

Would appreciate everyone's honest advice. And if you need more info, please do ask! Thanks - Jack

[HokeyReligions]

You and she left your previous relationships for each other.
She went back to her ex
She is still strining you along and probably deluding herself too
She can't make a decision
You still want her back, but claim to be okay without her as long as she is happy


Does that about sum it up?


My opinion: You can't help her or fix her. She has to do that herself, no matter what kind of relationship she has with this other guy. If you fear abuse then contact a woman's shelter and explain the situation and ask them if they can contact her. Then let it go. It's her choice. You have given her opportunity and motive to leave the other guy, but she apparently does not love you as much as she loves him. You don't need that - you need someone who will love themselves first and you second. It sounds like she loves him first, you second, and herself third. That's not healthy for her, or anyone she is in a relationship with.

[loveinasia]

I agree with your sympnosis, and I can't help her. But I truly do believe that we are "in love", and she does love the other man. At the end of the day, I know men too well to know the types of things they will say to get a woman back. And she's already having second thoughts barely less than a week after saying she's going to marry him..

what are your thoughts as to what's going on in her mind?