[abc]

I have been with this guy for 2 years. When we first started dating everything was great. We partied together and still did our own thing. I became pregnant. I could not party anymore and became upset with him. I would stay up worrying about him. Being pregnant and only getting 4 hours of sleep was not good for me. I had to take pills to help me sleep. There were times I went without eating because I was so upset. Once he was at the bar and every time I called his cell phone it would pick up. I could hear him in the background picking up on girls. He said he was trying to hook up his friend. Other times I would bust him and his friends doing drugs. I told him I did not want to have that around me and my kids. I think he would do this just so I’d get mad and leave.

Before I had my son he stopped doing drugs. It helped, but then he started drinking more. After I had my son, my boyfriend started going to AA and quit drinking for 4 weeks. I moved in with him because I cannot financially support 3 kids by myself. We fight a lot. It has a lot to do with drinking. I started drinking again too. I think I should start going to AA. I have no other place to go, but it’s hard to let him disrespect me all the time. Doesn’t come home til late, doesn’t tell me where he’s at, comes home wasted. Everyone tells me to act like he’s my roommate.

Since he lost his license I have to pick up his daughter for him. Lately I haven’t because why should I do him a favor if he can’t respect me. I am somewhat jealous of his relationship with his daughter. He spoils her. He will talk to her for hours, but only say one word to his other son who is the same age as his daughter. He calls her honey just like he calls me. I never know who he is talking to. He always thought his kids were perfect, but I have been confronting him with their lies. His children keep saying bad things about my children (she broke my statue on purpose, she hit her with a stick when they were all swinging sticks) He also had a hard time getting over her mom. When I was dating him she would ask him to go out with her. There were times when she came over for a while and he wouldn’t answer his phone. When I came over she called and asked if I was mad. I know she was trying to smooze him. Right now their relationship is poor. She wants more money from him and is trying to take his daughter away because of his drinking.

[moimeme]

Why do women want men like this? What earthly reason could there be for staying with such a loser?

If I live to be 300, I will NEVER understand this.

[krbshappy71]

Why do women want men like this? What earthly reason could there be for staying with such a loser?

If I live to be 300, I will NEVER understand this.

Doubt this will help her situation, Moi. Or her esteem.

We fight a lot. It has a lot to do with drinking. I started drinking again too. I think I should start going to AA.

DO IT! go together so your children can have a better household to grow up in. If he wont go, at least go yourself. One healthy parent is better than none.

She wants more money from him and is trying to take his daughter away because of his drinking.

Perhaps this is for the best, if he wont get help to quit drinking. You have issues with the daughter anyways and I'm sure she can feel your frustrations with her.
Hope this helps for starters, the most important step I see right now is making sure your children are safe. Start with AA and/or counselling. If $ is tight, look into Social Services, they have mental health clinics on a sliding scale.

[Bobbie]

ok, separate the issues.

1. children

children deserve to be raised in a loving safe environment. If you are frequently acting out your frustration or jealousy on your step-children then you are probably not the best person to be raising them.

If you love them and want to raise them then you need to work through the issues which most families with mixed natural and stepchildren face. There is advice on http://experts.about.com/q/2203/


2. alcohol

many people self-medicate with alcohol and in the short-term it seems to help. But longer-term it causes depression. If you are already struggling to cope and maybe depressed then a better solution would be to see your doctor for counselling and/or antidepressants.

There are two models for dealing with alcohol problems, either learn to moderate and manage use via Moderation Management techniques http://www.moderation.org/ or abstain using AA or other support ( eg. antabuse )

There is loads of literature on the negative effects on children of growing up around problem alcohol use, so you are right to address this issue.

3. your relationship

stop telling yourself you cannot cope without this man, from what you say he contributes little to your family's wellbeing and only adds to your stress and distress.

Find out about womens' welfare services in your area, and get support.

4. you

it sounds like you have lost sight of yourself, and lost hope for your future and are living chaotically.

Start by taking care of yourself in small ways: take a vitamin supplement ( a B supplement is essential by the way for heavy drinkers ) put on lipstick, listen to music, take a walk or other exercise.

Go to the library and check out books on self-care and self-esteem and parenting, or any other books you're interested in. Plan to take some classes in the future.

Try to make a new perspective on things, make budget living a challenge and fun eg http://www.budgetlivingmedia.com/
Treat it as 'downsizing'...what smart people do to escape the neverending pressures of materialism!

Don't expect everything to change overnight, but start making positive steps towards a meaningful life and you won't need alcohol so much and your children will benefit from seeing mum/stepmum turning things around. You're the adult- take charge.