I have only been married for 5 months and I'm extremely unhappy. I'm usually a very secure woman but around my husband I end up feeling insecure and disgusted with him.

My husband is 46. He has a 12 year old son. When I first began dating him he had a Swank magazine in his bathroom, a Maxim bikini calendar in his living room. That was fine until we got involved and he didn't remove these items from his house. I had to politely ask him to respect me and get rid of his bachelor pad porn mag and calendar.

He claimed he threw the magazine away but once again his son found it and was looking at it. This is a Swank magazine mind you - not a Playboy. Does anyone other than me find it odd for a father to allow his 12 year old son to look at a magazine showing women using dildos?

I thought it was innapropriate for his son to have access to this. I felt disrespected that this stuff was blatantly displayed in my presence - so I asked him to remove it. He did.

Now we're married and I found out he's ordered the Playboy channel (I never knew he was paying for it or watching it). His son watches this channel when we're not home and invites his friends over to watch it.

The kid just turned 13. My husband thinks boys will be boys and it's fine for him to look at all this stuff. He enjoys the fact his son is now at the age he likes looking at girls and is thinking about sex. They sit and watch "Girls Gone Wild" commercials and pant over that in front of me.

I just sit there wondering what the hell my husband is thinking - does he think his son is his fraternity brother now or what?

My husband jacks off alot to this crap - encourages his son to do the same. I think something is just wrong with all this. I'm turned off sexually - I look at my husband as a slimeball and a pervert.

I love sex as much as the next person and am no prude but I am feeling disrespected as both a wife and a stepmother. Am I going to one day come home and find out they've gone to the local topless bar? I feel like that's the next thing he's going to encourage his son to do.

I want a divorce - I'd rather be with a man who isn't so in to porn and has better morals and values. I'm unhappy and miserable - I was raised around a father and two brothers and I never saw them act like this.

Is it me or is there something really wrong here?

I find it incredibly odd! I think you might want to wait for some responses from guys (especially fathers), though.

My mother raised me on her own, and when I was around 12 or 13 I had like a shirtless JTT poster in my bedroom and she tore it down, so. In a mother/daughter relationship it would definitely be weird. But men do things very differently.

They sit and watch "Girls Gone Wild" commercials and pant over that in front of me.

Totally disrespectful, I say.

I want a divorce - I'd rather be with a man who isn't so in to porn and has better morals and values. I'm unhappy and miserable - I was raised around a father and two brothers and I never saw them act like this.

If you are really unhappy, then divorce him. It isn't likely that he will change. You're only 5 months into the marriage so I'd cut your losses now. Unless you think he's the kind of guy you could drag to counseling?

Best of luck you you. Maybe you'll get some more replies once this is bumped up.

-Deranged

[UCFKevin]

Here's the only possible reason I can think of.

The father figures the kid's gonna see this stuff one way or another anyway, so he might as well support it and provide it or whatever.

Kinda in the same line of reasoning that my mother once offered to get me drunk for the first time so I could experience it safely at home and not worry about getting home.

Even so, that's kind of awkward. Like REALLY awkward. But everyone's got different relationships. Maybe the fact that they're like that, open with each other, really works quite well for them, it wouldn't for everyone, but if both fo them have a healthy father/son relationship, who are you to say shame on them? Although honestly the extent to which they're doing this stuff is kind of...disheartening. The commercials, panting thing, encouraging masturbation, that's a bit much.

If my pop did that sorta stuff with me it would be disturbing as all hell, but that's because that ain't the kind of relationship we had.

Although, my question to you is, was all of this a surprise for you? You didn't see ANY signs of stuff like that before you got married?

[Pyrannaste]

I think your husband is an idiot. No offence meant.

I don't see why you are allowing this crap. Well, I can guess why: it must be very difficult to stand your ground, and to do what's best for your son, *when your son is enjoying watching porn, he is too young and your husband has taught him that it is okay to watch at porn *with father**. You'd sound to his own ears like the nagging, boring mother who wants him to cut off a fun activity and your husband will end up looking like "the nice, permissive parent you can have fun with".

But absolutely try to stop all that is going on, for your own son's sake.

There is nothing really wrong with a 12 years old snatching somewhere a porn magazine and use it to jerk off, or with him sneaking to porn site but hidding it from you. I think a lot of 12 years old did it.
Parents finding it out and *not* getting angry, possibly laughing it off, is very okay.
But a father encouraging his soin to watch porn *expecially if his mother is against it* is totally, utterly out of line.

Is there anyone out of your family that could help you? A counselor? Friends of the family? A counselor would be better.

Not only it is divorce ground, I think there would also be enough to take the son away from his father. -legally- .

Also, if I were you I'd talk to your son. Tell him that you think daddy should not show him that stuff.
Forbid him to do it.
Hell, you are a parent, too!

Tell him that when he'll have a girlfriend or a wife it is very possible that they will not be happy with it, and that a woman would find it offending.

I don't think this would be called 'manipulating your son', as long as you avoid sentences like "your daddy does not love me because he watches this stuff".

While I think you can tell him you are not happy with your father watching the stuff, and I think he is old enough to understand a sentence like " i don't think that stuff is appropriate for your age, I think daddy is very wrong showing it to you and *expecially* being there with you while you watch it. So you are NOT watching that stuff while I'm at home".

[Pyrannaste]

I was not careful enough reading your post .
Even if it's his son, and not yours too, most of my opinions (from the previous post) are unchanged.
I think what he is doing is no good to his son.
And most disrespectful to you.

You should not allow the kid to watch porn in your house.

hell, it is even illegal for him to watch the stuff. women with dildos are for 18 years old. I'd even consider threatening to report his father.

It's not really like the son sneaked to porn sites on his own. Most kids do it, no big deal. But the father is allowing him to watch stuff illegal for his age.

How would most parents react to a father teaching a 12 years old to smoke cigarettes and encouraging him to smoke?
How would they react to a father taking his son to a pub, buying him booze and making him get blind drunk?

It would be thousands times worse than the kid doing it on his own out of stupidity.

[UCFKevin]

women with dildos are for 18 years old.

?!

So there's an age limit on sexual blossoming?

Please.

I was the most popular kid in 4th grade because I found my dad's porn tapes and the guys from school would come over and watch it. We were 8 or 9 years old. We all grew up to be perfectly normal.

It's porn. Not snuff. Sheesh.

[Pyrannaste]

So there's an age limit on sexual blossoming?

Not what I meant. Sorry if I expressed myself badly.
It's just that here you find 18+ and 21+ labels on porn mags. And videos stores have a 18+ restricted section kids are not allowed to. Well, perhaps 16 years old, but not 12 years old. I suppose it is the same in the U.S.
Someone selling porn to a 10 years old could get in trouble.
(so you get kids shoplifting porn magazines sometimes )

I was the most popular kid in 4th grade because I found my dad's porn tapes and the guys from school would come over and watch it. We were 8 or 9 years old. We all grew up to be perfectly normal.

I think it's perfecly okay for a kid to snatch his daddy's porn tapes, but I don't think his parents should encourage him to. Not when he is 12.
I snatched porn/erotica stuff when I was a kid too.

I did not mean that kids should *not* watch that stuff, I find it almost weird when a kid (expecially a boy) never does it, but I find the idea of a parent allowing a kid to watch porn, or even buying it for him, extremely disturbing. Expecially at 12.

[pitprincess]

I think its very wrong and VERY DISRESPECTFUL
He as a Father should not allow this to happen, it makes me think if he is pushing (and allowing at this child's age is pushing) sexuality towards him it may not have a good out come in his future.
This man is showing you no respect at all!!
JUST MY OPINION ONLY

[moimeme]

when your son is enjoying watching porn, he is too young

Do you realize that 12 year old kids are *having* sex these days? Life is not the same it was when you were young. I'm guessing dad thinks that if he keeps the kid entertained, maybe the kid will not impregnate a 13-year-old girl.

I doubt the boy needs 'encouragement'; I expect he would have found this stuff - or worse - on his own. Dad knows his kid's a hormonal little critter and maybe he's trying to keep him away from nasty porn.

Here's the big thing - does dad teach this boy to respect women? Wanting sex with them isn't disrespectful, after all. Does he require the boy to be polite and kind to women?

BTW, I agree. The stuff was in the house before so you can't really claim you had no idea he was interested in porn.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Either way you look at it, its irresponsible parenting.

Maybe Dad is homo-phobic and is trying too hard to make sure his son grows into a healthy heterosexual male. A chip off the ol’ block, so to speak!

Problem is, the stereotypical and degrading sexual images of women he’s deliberately exposing his son to, at this early age, will most certainly have an effect on how his son views females later on. It may also form unrealistic (and unhealthy) ideas about sex, gender roles and relationships in general if his father doesn’t also take the time to counterbalance the images his son is exposed to with a healthy dose of realism…by teaching him that women (his wife included) need to be respected as people, and are more than just sex objects and jerk-off material.

Sure, kids will find a way to get a hold of this stuff even if you ban it from your home. There is always another irresponsible parent out there whose house your kids will end up in. Our job as parents is to help our children deal with the images and information they are exposed to on a daily basis. We need to teach them responsible relationship behavior; respect for their fellow human (male or female); SAFE sex; the unavoidable consequences of STDs, and help them distinguish between media-generated stereotypes and REALITY.

I remember when I was ten, I stumbled upon my father’s porn collection that was hidden in his bedroom closet. I would sneak in and look at the pictures, and read the sexually explicit stories submitted by the male readers. One day, I didn’t put one of the magazines back exactly in the same place I found it…and I got busted! My father was SOOOOO angry at me, all red in the face, yelling and screaming, wanting to know what I saw and what I read. I was about ready to get the butt-beating of my life when my mother came in and saved the day. She started yelling at him for hoarding the stuff in the first place and called him a “pervert” saying he should’ve gotten rid of the crap when she asked him too.

You see, my Dad had no problem ogling other men’s daughters, but the idea of his OWN little girls seeing that smut was more than he could handle! The next day, he packed it all up and hauled it out to the curb. I would have preferred the paddling and just gotten the whole ordeal over with rather than the week of long-winded “good girl/bad girl” lectures from my father that followed. (a.k.a. Damage Control)!

[HokeyReligions]

My thoughts on reading these posts....

It's sick and disrespectful. If my 12 or 13 y/o son were to visit your home and watch porn with your step-son and his father I would be on the phone to the police and pressing charges.

What is he teaching his son? That it is just fine and dandy to disrespect women and hurt them. The kid will grow up to treat women the same way his father is treating you and someday some other woman will be posting on a board like this because she is emotionally devastated too.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. In your place I would be out of the house and filing for a divorce. For the child's sake I would contact CPS and the police.

Get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with the divorce and with the emotional scarring. Get out now before you feel trapped and afraid to leave.

I appreciate everyone's posts. Thank you. I'm glad most everyone agrees that this behavior is disrespectful. Parents are supposed to be a safe haven for their children and instill values and morals.

Children are having sex at age 12 and 13 these days - where the hell are the parents? When I was that age my parents watched my every move.

I think fathers should raise their sons to respect women. I think my husband is raising his son to look at women as objects and to go out and get laid as much as possible. Maybe he's trying to live vicariously thru his son by encouraging this behavior.

That's what is wrong with so many grown men - they don't know how to respect women. If fathers taught their sons to be more considerate, caring and respectful I'm sure alot of marriages and relationships wouldn't be going down the toilet like mine.

If he had a daughter I'd like to think things would be alot different!

I'm glad most of you agree with me something is wrong here - Enigma - your post reassured me I'm on the right track. I know there are still gentlemen left in this world - men who aren't so obsessed with porn. God bless you guys who know how to respect women.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by moimeme

Do you realize that 12 year old kids are *having* sex these days? Life is not the same it was when you were young. I'm guessing dad thinks that if he keeps the kid entertained, maybe the kid will not impregnate a 13-year-old girl.

IMO if he is really worried about him knocking up a classmate, the right thing to do would be talking with him about sex and about safe sex.
When my best friend was 14, her father showed her a condom and a banana fruit, explained her how to use and showed her how to put it on with the banana.

I doubt the boy needs 'encouragement'; I expect he would have found this stuff - or worse - on his own. Dad knows his kid's a hormonal little critter and maybe he's trying to keep him away from nasty porn.

This could be a possibility indeed. If it was so, perhaps at least his intentions were good.

Here's the big thing - does dad teach this boy to respect women? Wanting sex with them isn't disrespectful, after all. Does he require the boy to be polite and kind to women?

Another very good point. Kathleen, if your husband is telling its son that what he sees is sex, not necessarily love, and he picks up stuff where girls are not treated in a disrespectful way, perhaps he is not a pervert after all. I still think that what he is doing is not appropriate for a parent, though.

Of course its not appropriate! Thinking back to when I was 12----there is NO way a child that age is mature enough to distinguish the differences between love and sex and respect and commitment. There are many adults who cannot see the differences and they are not as impressionable as a child.

I hear the gov't. is (or already has) lowered the legal age of consent (for sex) to 14. When I was in school a 14 y/o girl got pregnant (jr. high school!) She didn't even have her drivers license and was expelled and sent to a private school for pregnant kids and the boy who got her pregnant (He was 16 and in highschool and had just got his driviers liscense) was charged with rape and tried as an adult.