Quote:
Originally posted by Smucks212
Thanks for your response, maybe I could ask you a question or two since you are in the opposite position and are/have gone through this with your husband?
I realize it is my fault, I take full responsibility for it and am sorry that I was ever like that to him every day because it doesn't show any love at all. It's just a mask for a lot of hurt, pain, abandonment, and angered I endured through my childhood and I realize that when I got mad at him, he really didn't do anything to deserve it or make me mad, it was just something that triggered me from when I was younger so instead of walking away and dealing with the pain myself, I took it out on him. Believe me, in no way shape or form do I think I am completely cured, I don't think I ever will be. I am going to stay in therapy for as long as I have to to make sure I maintain a healthy relationship and work through something if I feel I am goign to be abusive again.
Does your husband take responsibility for the times he gets angry with you when it is completely not your fault? YOu also mentioned never get mad at him for anything...I was wondering what you meant by that also, I mean there are valid reasons to be hurt, frustrated or in pain (all emotions that anger hides) so how would you want your husband to express something that he wasn't happy about if it involved you? I'm just wondering from your perspective, what would make you feel safe, what could he do or is it something you both would do?
Again thanks a lot, I appreciate it
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My husband does NOT take responsibility for his actions.
For example, the other day, he came to me, to get the wrapping off of his new DVD. I started picking at it. He smirked, "If you pull it here, it'll come right off, instead of just peices at a time." I started to pull it there, and it still wouldn't come, so I said, "It still won't come." At this point, I knew he was about to blow up. He said, "YOU'RE TEARING THE COVER OFF!!!!!" His eyes were huge, so I didn't say anything out of fear. He started ripping the plastic off of the DVD case, grabbed the picture on it, and threw it in the floor, and yelled, "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED!?!?!?!?!"
I just sat there. He jumped up and yelled, "YOU'RE SO STUPID!!! YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!!" I just started crying.
2 days before, he promised to try and stop calling me names, expecially stupid, pig, or lazy.
Five minutes of crying later, I got dressed and left. I didn't know where I was going to go, so I ended up just driving around for an hour....until I felt calm enough to come home.
When I got home, he greeted me with a hug, and said he was sorry for calling me stupid. I said, "No you're not....if you were sorry, you'd quit doing it!" and pushed him away.
Mind you, it's RARE for him to ever apologize....but this was not a real apology...read on.
I went to the bathroom, and he said, "I am sorry," I replied, "You do things SOLEY to hurt me! You are not sorry!" He said, "
I don't do things just to hurt you, you do stupid things, so I call you stupid "
I said, "See, you think it's MY FAULT that you called me stupid!" He said, "It is your fault!"
See, apology NOT accepted.
NEVER GET MAD AT ANYONE!!!!
My husband didn't have to get mad at this situation. He couldn've said quickly, "No, don't tear that! You'll rip the cover off! Here, tear it here." and I wouldn't have been scared at all.
Show your true emotion. Anger should not be an emotion. Show sadness, because he hurt your feelings by talking to another girl. Sadness shows vulnerability, which will make him comfort you (if he truely loves you) Show sadness because he lies to you, and that hurts you. Don't show anger, because he talks to another girl, and you don't like it, show your true feelings, which are sadness, and fear. Sadness and fear that you could lose him to another girl. Sadness that he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to someone you don't like.
DON'T LET ANGER BE AN EMOTION YOU SHOW OR FEEL. I don't get angry at my husband. I get sad because he hurts me. Sometimes, the frustration starts to show, but rather than throw things, or say things that I don't mean (like he does) I go for a drive...sometimes, I go shopping
I promised God for better or worse with my husband. Right now, things are rosey, but I still walk on eggshells around him. He's got so much anger, because of his messed up childhood, and while I lose sight of that sometimes, I try to keep it in mind that when he's lashing out at me over something stupid (like letting the door slam) he's not angry at me, he's angry about something in his past. Maybe his mom knocked him backwards for letting the door slam in his house, and now he gets this twinge of fear when the door slams. Maybe his little brother slammed the door in his face whenenver they'd have a fight, and it triggers sadness in him. Both emotions he masks WELL with anger and MADNESS.
I can see the different looks in my husband's eyes. I can see sadness sometimes in his eyes, when he's saying mean and hurtful things to push me away. I realize at that time that now is not the time to storm off mad at his attitude, but rather to kiss his forehead, and tell him I love him. I see fear sometimes. I hug him at that time.
If he were TRUELY mad at me, he wouldn't let me hug or kiss on him, so I know he's not angry at me. He's scared or hurt....both emotions that cause someone to push someone away, but both emotions need that someone to hold on tight.
I know how it feels to be sad. I know how it feels to be scared. I dont' mask it though.
Admit, you wouldn't lash out, if your feelings weren't hurt, or you weren't scared. The only way you've ever learned to deal with those feelings is to lash out. I learned to deal with them in a healthier, more productive way. I learned to calmly talk to someone. No one listens when you yell.....if you are yelling at someone, and telling them how you feel, they are just going to be terrified of you. If you think about how you're feeling, figure out all the details of it (writing in a diary, or talking on here helps me sort my feelings out) then you can TELL the person hurting you how they're hurting you, and the steps they could take to make you comfortable with the situation, then they hear you, they can understand you, and they can consider you.
When you get sad, you don't know why, usually, at first. Therefore, your first impulse is to get mad. Anger pushes the other person away, AND hurts them as much as you feel hurt. Therefore, you think, "They won't hurt me again, because now they know how it feels to be hurt." However, people sometimes don't get it......so they DO do it again, because they have no idea how or why you were hurt in the first place.
If you can calmly voice it, they have a better chance of getting it.
Example: He get's off the phone with you, so he can talk to a girl that you don't like on the phone.
You A: Get angry at him, and don't answer his call when he calls {This punishes you, because what you REALLY want to do, is talk to him, and make up.....this also hurts him, because he doesn't know what he did wrong, and you are hurting him for no reason in his eyes}
You B: Answer the phone when he calls, and tell him calmly that it hurts your feelings that he'd talk to someone you don't like OVER you. Tell him that if he wants to talk to her, he shouldn't do it on your TOGETHER time. Tell him you don't care if he talks to her, because you are not his mother, and he's allowed to talk to any girl he wants, even if you don't like it. Tell him that you WISH, or WOULD LIKE it if he didn't talk to her out of RESPECT for you and how you feel about her, but it's up to him. Tell him that when you, his girlfriend, are available to talk to him, you would love it if he'd talk to you, and not someone else. Tell him it feels like he doesn't care enough about you, if he'd chose to talk to someone else when he could be talking to you.
Isn't B how you're really feeling?
If he continues to talk to her, and DOESN'T respect you and your decision not to like her, then you can feel free to talk to any boy that you like. If he would bring it up as something that bothers him, let him know that you don't feel comfortable respecting him enough to not talk to certain boys, when he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to certain girls for you. Tell him that since he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to a particular girl that you don't like, you don't think your relationship is close enough for him to tell you who you can and can't talk to.
Sorry to write a book. I just want to be clear...this is a touchy subject for me.
Any more questions?
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