[padparadscha]

I wonder if people on this site write about what I am posting. Fear! I never really been too alone in my life. Always had a boyfriend, even if he were not the world’s most available one. I always had people surrounding me in my home.

I am writing today about two situations:

1. FEAR OF BEING ALONE. I had to remove toxic people from my life recently. I look back and all of them are toxic. My friends are truly never availible and just not good people to me and for me. I learned from being in therapy that this is do to my abusive childhood, that I surround myself with people who in some form or another are not so kind to me. My boyfriend has pulled away. He is there, but not really. I can't express to you how torchurd my insides have been over this issue. I am speaking so very lightly of the pain, but it is only due to his sticking around that the pain has come and gone. Yet I am starting to acknowledge that it’s truly a breakup without words, even though he just took me to a play and went food shopping for me. The signs that he does not want to be bothered have always been there. I just chose to ignore them, because losing him was too hard to accept and since he was willing to be there in some form I clung to the fantasy. Now I realize he will never be the support I need. I am alone and I feel so very lost and afraid. I don't want to feel like this and I don't know if I can handle being alone like this. It's one thing to have a toxic person in your life and a whole other thing to have the feeling that something is terribly wrong with you that you can't keep a decent relationship. The therapist says that it is not me, but the people in my life. she says that I keep beating myself up that I am not accepted by people who are damanged to begin with. I know my friends and boyfriend are damaged any how. Yet I can not shake the conviction that something is terribly wrong with me that I who also have my "Issues" could not maintain a stronger relationship. Now I am alone. Nobody of real importance by my side. It hurts tremendously to realize that I have been nothing more than an aggrivation to my boyfriend. I know it is not all on me, but knowing that I did not want to be alone I could not fight against my nature and simply accept the very little he offered. I wanted a bit of comfort. I wanted him to spend 2 hours with me as opposed to 5 minutes every two weeks. I wanted him to call like he used to and keep me posted on his life. However he stopped. I just coud not keep my mouth shut, I was too needy and now I am alone. I don't miss my friends, they had to go. I know he has to also, but I am having a hard time believing anyone eles will ever accept me and all my odd ways.

I have gone out on several blind dates and not blind dates and none of them have worked out. For many reasons we were not compatible and men today don’t seem to wish to be friends. It is all or nothing. Tell me How do I get rid of this overwhelming feeling of being alone? I can’t seem to shake the feeling my time has expired to meet people. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that soon whatever good looks I have will go, gray hairs will come and right now all I have going for me are my looks (Even though they don’t seem to help me find my soul mate). I seem to stay in this constant state of fear. How do I get rid of it?

2. Dating. They say if you want to meet someone do what you love to do. I love walking the city and never met a decent man in N.Y.C. I love to play racquetball and all the men who played were either elderly or married and joined with a partner. I love to travel and have yet to meet a man traveling even in a group travel situation. If one does not enjoy a bar or go to parties, how does one meet someone? I tried the internet and a dating service, but maybe it is me, but the men I run across are normally ones with greater issues than mine.

[moimeme]

It hurts tremendously to realize that I have been nothing more than an aggrivation to my boyfriend.

You tend to beat yourself up way too much. You were not 'nothing more than an aggravation'. This is a false image you create to berate yourself. Understand that your perception of the situation is skewed by your poor self-image.

I have gone out on several blind dates and not blind dates and none of them have worked out.

I have a friend who's been trying to find a new mate for quite a few years. It's not easy. You have to realize that you are unique and so it will take time to find the one special someone for you. People are not interchangeable - you can't just pick one up and be happy. It sometimes takes a very long while to meet the perfect match. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've only been trying these dates for a couple of months, right?

Tell me How do I get rid of this overwhelming feeling of being alone?

You have to stop thinking about it. There is so much of life to enjoy and you're letting it all pass by you while you worry about your aloneness. Get out, find things to do that you love, and do them. And when you're doing them, focus on enjoying them rather than turning your view inward constantly.

Anybody who goes around with the hangdog attitude 'I'll always be alone' will not attract others. You have to quit dwelling on your troubles.


I can’t seem to shake the feeling my time has expired to meet people. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that soon whatever good looks I have will go, gray hairs will come and right now all I have going for me are my looks (Even though they don’t seem to help me find my soul mate). I seem to stay in this constant state of fear. How do I get rid of it?

I think I have recommended Albert Ellis books to you. I wish you would read some. He tells you how your allowing yourself to believe things that aren't true messes you up and how to quit doing that.

[padparadscha]

Hey Moi:

I know your thinking, "I thought she got over that fool"! FAT CHANCE IN HELL. He is still around and still has this power over me in the fact that the more he isolates me and does hurtful things by not caring for me properly, the more I get bruised and hang in there thinking, although I can't feel secure with him any longer, although he may be cheating on me, although he may push my feelings aside, he is the most I have in my life at this time and he only one who presently is taking the time to try and care for me. Nobody eles has the time, patients or desire to be a part of my life outside of a phone buddy. Low self esteem????? Maybe, but let's face it, with him gone, who eles will give a damn to even try and apease me from time to time with a movie or dinner other than me, myself and I? Not to say that is what I need, but to say, he has not completely shunned my company.

He showed up unshaven, smelling like oh my God ( I never smelt him so bad). From a distance he looked like he was on the verge of dying, like he had aids. He only came over for a short bit just to say, "Hi and give me some stuff" but that short bit was an eye opener. I realized that somehow every man I ever dated winds up at this point. He even said to me, "I know I look like a bum, I am tired and the kids are driving me crazy." He knew how he looked. Man Moi, I can really pick em. I had to fall in love with a man who does not care about his personal hygene or appearance. That must speak volumes about my self esteem huh?

You said: You tend to beat yourself up way too much. You were not 'nothing more than an aggravation'. I may be told this by him and others, but I can't trust that it is true. Perhaps my parents are not good examples, but let me give you them as and example. My mother had just finished writing me a letter telling me how proud she was of my strength and how she has watched me handle situations most people would not even dare to take on alone. She said she has always admired the way no matter how dissappointed I am, I take myself out and go on with my life and never allow people's actions to stop my day. Then two days later she tells me what I always suspected was in her head. She says, "Your a peice of ****. I think your pathetic and a waste of space. Your a grown woman who can't get a man, no man wants you, and you done nothing with your life. Nobody would even look at you you dress like an old lady and you your stupid." I find myself knowing what is really in people's hearts and I can read past thier words and although they say one thing Moi, I know by thier actions the truth.

you've only been trying these dates for a couple of months, right?
To be fair I have been going on blind dates for several years. I would say three years, but they worked out better only because my purpose was to find a summer "playmate" so to speak and not romance. I mannaged to always find a decent person to hang with in the past but the friendship never lasted longer than a few months after the summer. I recently started with this dating service and find the referrals to be rather bellow my standards. I did better when i was on the net simply looking for a summer "hang out buddy", but the net is getting dangerous and there have be several murders in local areas in NY due to women my age meeting off the net. The net never was safe, but now the it seems to be a magnet for people to lure victims in a bigger way than before.

I think I have recommended Albert Ellis books to you. I wish you would read some. okay Moi I will, I just need time to focus and concentrate. I have not even been able to focus on academics in several months.

Get out, find things to do that you love, and do them. And when you're doing them, focus on enjoying them rather than turning your view inward constantly. Okay you got me there, I do that in a big way, but I truly do think about how I can get out of my mess rather than "Wow, this is so fun".

I guess in many ways I am losing hope I will ever meet a man who will accept me for me and love me. I found two who can accept me, but not love me the way I need. I guess I want to end my cycle of pain and heal with someone. I want to experience all that I only tasted briefly and never got a full dose or even half a dose of .

[moimeme]

Maybe, but let's face it, with him gone, who eles will give a damn to even try and apease me from time to time with a movie or dinner other than me, myself and I

That there's nobody else is never a good reason to stick with a guy.

As for your mother, she sounds like she's got a bunch of issues of her own to treat you in completely opposite ways. You MUST get out of that house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Staying there is probably one of the worst things you're doing to yourself.

I guess in many ways I am losing hope I will ever meet a man who will accept me for me and love me

This should not be your priority. Your priority should be to get yourself to a healthy place - out of your parents' home and into your own life. You are not in a situation to attract healthy men - don't you see? You need to become all you need to be, and then the right guy will come along. In your current state, you're not even ready to manage a relationship - too much other junk in your life to deal with.

TO padparadscha:

Did you post here a fair bit in the past, with a different name? Because a lot of what you're writing here seems strangely familiar. I recall a lady who I believe was in her 30s who posted here a few months ago...she was working on her PhD, was living with her parents, and was in a very dysfunctional relationship with some older fart who didn't work, and had older kids. She'd posted about how physically ugly and unkept he was but how she couldn't forget about him, despite the fact that he didn't treat her well enough (according to her). She actually paid the guy $200 (which he accepted) in exchange for him telling her what he thought about her, or something along those lines.

Was that you??

I'd like to know because if it is, I'm not about to spend (waste) my time giving the same advice I did back then, again. That would be pointless and futile.

Now if you're NOT that same gal, then here's my response.

I think you're feeling very sorry for yourself and you come across having a lot of self-pity. You also come across as having this unrealistic expectation that some great man out there somewhere, "owes" you such that he'll complete you and fill all of the voids you seem to have. You sound like you haven't come to the place in your life where you've realized that true happiness comes from within.......and it's not at all related to or dependant upon "someone else" to make you happy.

I do recall a post from a month or so ago, from "padparadscha" in which you spoke about some guy from church who expected you to take him somewhere and pay for him and he didn't have much going for him.....and I seem to recall thatyou'd mentioned in that thread, that you were in your 30s.

So I ask......why are you still living with your parents/mother? Why aren't you out there on your own, living independently? If your mother has the issues that she does, why do you remain living under her roof?

I'm sorry but you seem to come across as a perpetual "victim"......and like you're losing hope that your Knight in Shining Armor is going to come along and rescue you. The latter is for fairytales, not real life.

Why would you remain with some stinky, unkept, scruffy man who doesn't treat you as you expect? You can't blame him for treating you this way.....if you're willing to put up with it.

[padparadscha]

The guy from church is gone. Gone in the sense that I old him to back off with his attitude and his lack of charm. He still comes around every now and then but I squashed that situation. I am strong when I don'e care. Too strong perhaps, because he actually is almost afraid to speak to me certain ways.

As for posting in the past, yes, I changed my name. Tried to shed the old skin and take on fresh new skin, but I regressed.

ALTHOUGH MOVING OUT OF MY HOME IS NOT SOMETHING I FEEL IS A PRESSING PROBLEM THAT IS EATTING ME UP INSIDE LIKE MY SITUATION WITH MIKE IS, I am working on getting out of my home. It is not so easy. There is something too difficult in that move. My therapist tried to talk me into it and I had a sort of nervous break down for two days. She feels there is something I am not recalling from my past that until I can recall it I will always be unable to move. I don't know what my problem is. My brother is home from the military. He is here and talking about getting an apartment or studio apartment. He wants me to move in with him in December or January when he comes back and starts school. I still have not found excitement in that. It is not something I think I can do although my grandparents and co-workers think it is the best move I can make. Moving out of my home is something I think will happen with time. I believe that my resistance is fear of being unsecure and not being able to see my future. I don't really know. My ex has asked me to move in with him three days ago. He wants to buy a house together and go into it as a three year buisness deal. I don't know why I am having such difficulty. A man at work got a divorce and he is truly a wonderful person. He asked me 5 times to go into a buisness living arrangement with him. It is not as if I don't have people to live with or the money, I just can't get that together. However that is not my main priority or point of feeling bad.

What makes me feel so bad is my inability to let go.

[moimeme]

IMHO, the reason you are hoping to be 'rescued' is that you badly want someone to get you out of that house.

You absolutely will never be in any shape to be in a healthy relationship until you can leave your parents' home. This would be a huge red flag to any normal, healthy man. You may think your issues are one thing or another, but I'm pretty sure that's just your way of ignoring the main issue, whatever that may be.

You MUST work on the reasons you panic at the thought of leaving that house. You have to fix that. I'm astonished that you aren't more concerned about it, frankly.

Listen to me carefully: NO HEALTHY MAN WILL WANT TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO CANNOT LEAVE HER PARENTS' HOME. You can't let go of the men because they distract you from focusing on your real problem.

[padparadscha]

Moi:

I admire you and I always listen to all you have to say! You have been such a rock to me and so have so many others like Meaon. However, I disagree with you on my living at home as a reason why a man would think twice about dating me. In Greece and Italy and other European countries it is not uncommon for someone my age to live at home. This is New York, and I know one assumes most people live alone, but it is not true. I don't think living at home is a red flag simply because most New Yorkers who are single live with their families now. Most adults with great jobs and a terrific education live at home, it is not so uncommon any longer. Across the street, a man got married and moved his wife and kids into his mothers home. They all live there with his sister etc.

My best friend who lived on her own is now living at home with her mom and her fiance'. More and more people are living at home because the cost of living in New York is unbelievable. As a matter of fact most men I meet are living not in a studio apartment, but with their aunt or mother or sibling. More and more people are going to hotels to make love because they live with a relative.

I agree I must leave home. I agree I may even wish to move out with the man I meet. Although twice I was asked to marry a man and did not. I know if I met the right man i would not only move out I move far away. So your right that I may be looking for someone to take me out. However, I don't think that is 100% my case since I have had many offers to do just that.

Maybe moving out is my issue. I seem to feel my issue is I keep giving Mike every chance to let me go and walk away and he does not, yet he is not there and I feel I am allowing him to hurt me, but have no power to stop it.

[dudesomewhere]

man...you sound like someone I set my heart for. Makes for a strange and odd feeling...

I met her and she had all these toxic people in her life and SEEMINGLY wanted to move away from that type...to gravitate away from them. She told me that I was the most different person she'd ever met or known, that I was different from everyone else (read some of my post and maybe you'll see the picture). I thought I could be a light that she could gravitate towards because I wanted to be in her life and she appeared to want to come toward this light. Her laments to cruel and sadistic people in the world, that surrounded her life and how contrasted they were to me it gave me hope...but reality had to set in. It was almost as brief as just waking up one day...from everything in your heart shared between each other to her gravitating back to that which she SEEMED to not want.

It all reinforces that belief I've always had in me that people tend to say what they think they should say, not what they truly want. They think they should say this to themselves and to others, instead of just accepting what it is they are, what it is they want. It's one thing to say, another to live by right of action. Actions speak louder than words. It has come to a point where I now can only be a spectator to someones words as they attempt to portray the life they run from but inevitably gravitate back to time and again. It is the whole nice guy vs bad guy thing...take this term into a more universal view and let it embrace female/female friendships too. If you say you don't want bad people in your life, why constantly look for friendship in their arms? Why seek a bad female friend? Why seek the jerk for a boyfriend? Some say people don't look for them, but it is just that they turn out or end up being the jerk that is the problem (I wonder if I'm referring to anyone in this thread? ).

People have vibes, male or female, young or old and that is what helps you maybe not make out someone completely, but clues you in on whether someone is good or bad. With me, I am almost night and day to the average guy. I'm not talking about money, because I have none , hehe. I'm talking about the vibe I give off. I'm like a monk in a biker bar when I'm standing around and there are other guys about me. I'm that different and I know it. Older folks love me, through my long hair to my short...they just do. Is it because they know or can sense a nice guy when they see one? Maybe. Macho guys hate me. What you'd call geeks or dorks might like me...because all I am is just nice. Girls? Hell, I don't really know. I can't shake the feeling that women look at me and hope I'm a jerk, that's why they show an interest in me. I doesn't help that I read somewhere that women will choose a buff muscular body as a fling but not a husband, what kind of crap is that? They said too that women won't choose the muscular guy as a husband because he is viewed as the player. That's fine and dandy but when it comes down to it women, stop sleeping around with players ....players are players, fat, skinny or in shape

As for the fear of being alone...I don't suffer from it, but I am alone. I'm never really lonely...I don't know what it is. I think I should fear though...but I love myself so damn much . Yeah, that sounds cocky don't it? Well it has to do with me knowing how much I respect others when they are in my life and realizing reluctantly that I will probably never get that same level back. And the friends thing, with me that has to come first. I realized that many without the sexual or romantic counterpart to many relationships, people had no motivation for being friends. Hell, I'm that weird sick guy that wants a friendship first and foremost.

But me saying all that is just to tell a story, even when I hear women saying they want what I have to offer...that true friendship mojo...I hold no hope in it because is usually turns out to be just a fantasy they have but not a real desire.

eh...so that was my rant too...I hope I said enough to sound like a feedback as well...and not a thread hijack, hehe....sorry if I did
BTW: the whole living at home thing doesn't bother me, shouldn't even be an issue with people these days. It's a convention of the past...a concept of the pioneers to move westward across the plains. Only in America is that really an issue...an issue which should have died when americans reached california...professor dude out

[padparadscha]

dudesomewhere:

You wrote :It all reinforces that belief I've always had in me that people tend to say what they think they should say, not what they truly want. They think they should say this to themselves and to others, instead of just accepting what it is they are, what it is they want.

In my belief, the key to what your wrote is “accepting what is they are, what it is they want.” In my case I know I think and act different that most people. However, sometimes it is hard for me to accept I am the type of person who believes in being loyal to my friends. Toxic or hurtful, if they earned the title of friend in my book, I have difficulty letting them go if they do not want to go. You see, I don’t easily accept people into my life. So, when they screw up I tend to overlook it because of how much I value them. At times this can be difficult for me to accept because I know it creates tough situations for myself.


You also wrote: People have vibes, male or female, young or old and that is what helps you maybe not make out someone completely, but clues you in on whether someone is good or bad. Ahhhh Yes, this is me. Without a person uttering a word I always know how they will impact my life and to what degree. It is almost a sixth sense I think because I am rarely wrong. I think I date the same type of man because I attract that type. I sense a man who will not force me to do things I don’t want and men who are very patient. I also seem to sense the ones that have gone through a rough spell in their life and have little friends like myself. I also can sense the ones who will remain in my life for the long haul and not bail when times get tough. Despite their appearance and hard attitudes, their intentions are honorable. So I know that what you wrote about concerning yourself must be true and I understand all you have written in regards to your situation and who you are because I can relate.

You wrote: As for the fear of being alone...I don't suffer from it, but I am alone. I'm never really lonely...I don't know what it is. Well then if you put it that way I must agree. My life on a daily basis is full of some kind of excitement and drama so therefore I never feel lonely. I only feel alone meaning “Nobody seems to understand me and I don’t have a partner in this life to share my experiences with and experience their experiences.” However, I am not lonely nor bored, I actually could never be with all my life entails. I am only feeling as if I am missing out on someone special to share life with if that makes any sense.
You wrote: And the friends thing, with me that has to come first. I realized that many without the sexual or romantic counterpart to many relationships, people had no motivation for being friends. Hell, I'm that weird sick guy that wants a friendship first and foremost.

But me saying all that is just to tell a story, even when I hear women saying they want what I have to offer...that true friendship mojo...I hold no hope in it because is usually turns out to be just a fantasy they have but not a real desire.

i really can’t answer this for all my friends outside of one have been men or older women. So I don’t know how women act. I can only say that people like the ones your looking for are far and few, but out there. They cherish loyalty and are as close to friends as family. Few people cherish loyalty are as close to friends as family. Few people believe in that “My word is my bond”, but they are out there. Where business deals are made with a shake of a hand, not a contract. I got into grad-school that way. I had no reason to trust. However, the department head of the physical oceanography department told me, “Take the graduate entry exam and even if you fail I will get you into my program.” I did fail the exam. He did get me into his graduate program. I only met the man once and my G.P.A was bellow the requirements to get into grad school I had no chance in hell of getting accepted into this specialized program, but he wanted to help me and after meeting me once he gave me his word.

There are still many of us who once we give you our word, you can count on us. Once we call you friend, it is for life. I to is about honor and loyalty.

Well back when you posted months ago, with a different name, you were given oodles and OODLES of sound advice, but here you are again, still in this self-imposed rut, still the victim who wants to be rescued.

You are in your 30's..and you're still living with your parents. You've share, extensively in the past, about how rotten your mother treats you, talks to you....yet you don't have any gumption to an adult woman and get out onto your own and make a life for yourSELF. I don't get this.

It should be a natural desire, in one's early 20's, to spread one's wings and get out on their own. To look after oneself, be self-sufficient (you keep saying that money isn't a problem for you), wash your own clothes, cook your own meals, be responsible for yourself, have your own privacy and time to yourself.....having your own "space."

You know someone who just got married and they now live with parents. That's absurd and not the least bit healthy for a newly married couple. It's bizarre, really. No couple should be sharing a roof of any type, with parents/family/relatives. But because you know some people who are crazy and coddled who do this, that justifies you still living at home, I guess.

I get the impression that you're waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep you off of your feet there at the parent's home, and take you to live with him and you'll be happily ever after. You're living in a dream world. It is not healthy, and it's a recipe for relationship disaster for anyone to go from living at Mommy and Daddy's house, to living in the marital home, without having a couple years or more living on one's own. How would you even know how to run a home? Deal with all the responsibilities?

You've mentioned on many occasions, back when you posted months ago, and that post when you were telling us about the loser from church who had no money...that you're well off financially..........so don't give the excuse that you live at home for financial reasons. There's tons of single people in NY and NYC who live on their own. They find some way to live on their own, I mean, not everyone in NY lives with their parents.

I think you have very unrealistic expectations, you live in a dream world, you're content to live with Mommy, and you think that you're going to find your dream man who'll make you whole. I think you're very lost, particularly for your age (30s). You need to cut the apron strings and act/think and live like an adult.

[moimeme]

However, I disagree with you on my living at home as a reason why a man would think twice about dating me. In Greece and Italy and other European countries it is not uncommon for someone my age to live at home. This is New York, and I know one assumes most people live alone, but it is not true. I don't think living at home is a red flag simply because most New Yorkers who are single live with their families now.

It's a red flag because you *cannot* leave. If you were there only for convenience, that would be entirely different.

[dudesomewhere]

padparadscha...your last responsive comment (is that such a thing? lol) really makes me feel good. Almost like the ocean of my life had it's waves calmed. Ahh

but I'm still skeptical ...with a smile on my face though

[disguy]

I think that everyone has that fear of being alone, but there are always things that you can do to shake that feeling. Family, friends, and the like. I do agree with a lot of the post that some of you are saying about her needing to get out on her own. Seems to me like you have a problem opening up to people. Maybe if you can find someone you can relate to and stop being so picky about molding the right kinda man, then you can be happy and stop feeling lonely and mistreated. Being a guy i know that i try to be with someone that doesn't have too many issues. We like them easy. I've been with women that have had too many issues in their life that were not worth sticking around for. Its just too much work. What it seems to me, is that you will never find Mr. Right because you keep dreaming about someone who doesn't exist. If you just live it up and take what you can get (being that it is someone that treats you good) then just go for it. All men have flaws and so do women, but we look past those flaws or at least work on the flaws and just go with it. It will never be the perfect relationship because there will always be good and bad, but you just have to learn to take the bad in with the good.

[padparadscha]

Befuddle it is not that I have a thing against you. As a matter of fact at one point in our past post to each other I thought you may understand me. However, I can’t agree with one thing your writing. Not because your being hard, but because it does not begin to describe me as a person and is truly nothing at all like me. I must come across one way in my post, but that is not me. I want no man to rescue me and be this perfect knight. Hell I would hate that given my free nature and independent ways. I told Mike if we get married, I want to live in separate houses. I want him to live with his kids and me in another place and we meet up. He thought I was nuts until he realized I was serious. I told him, your life style and mine are very opposite. You live in noise and go to bed late. I like quite and early bed. Let’s marry and not interfere with each others life style. Does that sound like looking for a man to rescue me? I only want him to at least check up on me each night and make sure I am safe, but other than that his life is his and mine is mine. I have no desire to meet a man to rescue me in that way. Only to rescue me emotionally. To lgive me the love I never had in life and to support me not with money but with his caring and respect. I would give anything to have someone simply take care of me emotionally. When I can’t feel good about myself for him to find something I can’t see and tell me, “But it's okay because you have beautiful eyes and I love them.” Now if that is unrealistic then I don’t care, it is what I want and what I need from someone. I need no more or less than that. I CAN ALMOST SEE YOU GETTING FRUSTRATED MOI!!!! I KNOW ALL THAT YOU TOLD ME REGARDING THAT ISSUE, YOU NEED NOT REPEAT. LOVE YOURSELF i what you would say!!!


Moi, now that you clarified things, I agree. I can’t leave, I don’t know how to leave and yes, this is something everyone around me including my parents know. That is my issue and it is a red flag to others because it means I have a problem unlike others and I need help. Yet instead of facing my problem I ignore it to a degree and live my life around it. I can’t even let my therapist talk about it so I know it is an issue. She calls it post traumatic stress disorder. I don’t know what it is . I know that she says my bother even though he is in the military is in my same boat so to speak. However instead of doing like me and pushing others away, he covers up by always being happy and always playing practical jokes. My brother is very handsome. Girls flock to him yet he at the age of 25 is still a virgin who is almost an officer in the U.S Marines. He is home this week and mom has told him how filthy he is how he needs to bathe and then wrote him a step by step letter on how to wash. She argues every day about something with him. He laughs and tunes her out with music or kisses. I am opposite, when she starts that **** I normally walk away and go deeper into my independent self pushing others away. I don’t know why I can’t leave or he feel compelled to call home all the time and come home on his leave even when he swears he will never step foot in that house again. My handicap brother is the luckiest I suppose, he kinda moved on the way we should have.

To: dudesomewhere hahahahahhahahahahha ;0 Of course silly, there is nothing in life greater than loyalty and friendship. It can be the hardest road in the world and the most rewarding. It can be sexually intimate and still full of respect and a life time of commitment. It can have no sexual intimacy and be closer than two lovers. Friendship has no rules outside of the ones you and your friend make together and from there on it is an agreement that no matter what you will always be there if possible. That is how my friendships are and I won’t lie and say some were not toxic. However, after years of separating I notice they always remain true to the friends for life philosophy. I wish the romantic part of my relationships were that way, but I do friendship better than romantic partnership.


disguy---I hear you. Your right, but I am not picky about a man with flaws. Hell, the more flaws the more of a challenge, I hate a man who is too easy to get. I like someone who challenges me and makes me think. I like an intellectual man who knows how to keep me on my toes. It is not that the men in my life don’t want to stick around. As a matter of fact I have trouble getting rid of them when I want them to go. My problem is I have fears that unless they work through them with me I can not bring myself to trust. By the time I trust them, they are in friendship mode. They become advocates of celibacy (not to joke around) and they will not cheat on me, but at the same time won’t go near me. They mold themselves into friends by the time I am ready to trust and be wild and free. They become my BIG BROTHER id never had or MY PSEUDO FATHER. I have also been told by men, that because they know I like variety and a challenge they pull away from me. They do this in fear of losing me. They feel it is better to have me cry than to call me or see me and be predictable because they fear I will walk away. I think they are truly misreading me, but since more than 5 guys told me this, I guess I am being told, “I act like a d i c k because I know you will stay in my life longer because your constantly guessing and you never know my next move.” The guys feel they have to be extreme in order to keep me around. I just wish they could understand, I need lots of time to get comfortable, and once I trust you and once I feel safe, then I can be loving. I can’t be loving until then and due to my upbringing I can’t be always nice. I don’t feel comfortable.

Why is it my students get me and my boyfrineds can’t? I had to laugh, I walked past a picture board today. The students in the school had crossed out the faces of all the teachers they hated and put mustashes on them. There was a picture of me hugging a teacher and the students wrote on my forehead “CRAZY”. I laughed! Everyone calls me crazy. Not because they heard it, but because after getting to know me they realize I am CRAZY, but kind hearted. I am different. I am! I have issues. But worst than all of that I have a heart that breaks when I don’t get affection from someone I love.