I need advice. I feel I have no one to ask or talk to because of the nature of it. I feel like I am going out of my mind!!
My husband(my 2nd husband), started getting into weightlifting big time last fall, wanted to lose weight, etc.(kudos to him) he started looking on a bodybuilding forum, as he is interested in bodybuilding. Well, within weeks he started getting up very early 5-5:30am, and I noticed he was getting on these forums(btw forums talk about bodybuilding to porn pics). Having chatted(him too) b4 we met I know how that can be. So I started getting suspcious. But it took me several more months to check into it. He was talking about have he was making "gains' and getting stronger. One day in the car, I asked him if he was taking "help" for his bodybuilding, he told me no.
Footnote: our sex life was pretty pathetic, maybe once a month for the last year prior, he said he didn't have much desire(which was true), but I couldn't help feeling like maybe it was something to do with me.
About March, I KNEW, as a woman and wife does, something was going on!! I suspected chatting, etc at first, given the early rises in the morning. I started asking him if he was chatting,etc. the answer was "no" Then I saw in history some lingerie sites, naked girl in undies and MILF(mommies I would like to f**k) sites. So I confronted him again. This time I was smarter and said "oh, were you looking for lingerie for me?" he said "maybe" I said "bull crap" he Never buys me lingerie, wasn't interested in sex.(he used to when dating). So I freaked. I will admit I pushed and pushed because I wanted an answer to what was going on.

One night, I yelled and yelled and pushed for an answer. He got so upset with me stating he didn't do anything wrong, he wasn't chatting, etc. But he got so upset he came after me and slapped me. He was immediately sorry and apologized, even cried that he would do that(I come from a 1st husband that had a bad temper and had me by the throat,etc.a few times) Still I had no answers, about a week later I said something is going on, maybe it had to do with steriods. He said "what if it did?"...well that is what is was. He had been taking legal prohormones at first(when I asked him in the car and replied nothing), then he did research about the other steriods. He made a huge decision without consulting me,yes its helped with his libido, which is a wonderful side effect, but if he had only told me what he was doing, why, I would have probably been ok with it.
Instead he let me nag and scream about other women, slapped me and could have put an end to it there. Now I don't trust him. He lied, he made a major decision about his health, legalities, etc without telling me. He says he would have told me, wanted to tell me. Now I find myself checking up on him everyday, to see what else he may be lying about. I have found to me inappropriate things on the board(nothing to divorce over), the typical vote on the board hotties, comments.etc. so this makes me mistrust, he has pm's which he tells me is looking for info on bodybuilding. He has a secure email too. I do believe under it all, he isn't doing anything else. But how can anyone know for sure??? But in my eyes, you break a trust, its hard to earn it back.
He is upset with me because I am not trusting him, checking up on him(believe I don't want to, I never felt I had a reason b4 now to check up on him). He says 1 min I am fine, the next I am pissed at him for something he said on the forum about another girl. He says he can't live like this that I am mad 1 min and fine the next. He says now he afraid to click on anything that looks offensive and deletes history because he's afraid I will be pissed at something.(I don't want to live like that either, and I know I don't want to make him feel like he can't do what he wants) But, he is the one that lied. I haven't found anything to divorce him over but I feel like I am out of control not trusting him. I acknowledge I have issues on jealousy. I also just turned 40(don't look it or feel it no one EVER believes I am 40) I know I look damn good, but I feel insecure about myself right now knowing I am getting older. I feel like he was the one person I could trust and he blew that. He wants me to just forget about what happened. He even told me today that maybe I should stop checking his posts and then I won't be pissy. That to me says he's telling me to just let him do whatever and for me to mind my own business. We are married, major decisions are made jointly. I have alot of issues from my childhood and my first marriage and alot of traumatic experiences to go along with it. Maybe that is why I can't let this go. Sometimes I don't trust my own feelings, maybe I am naive. I feel hurt and betrayed by his underhandedness. Also as a note, my husband lost his job in January, is still unemployed and is on the computer a good part of the day, on these boards, which hasn't helped he has so much time on his hands. Any advise would be great. Thanks. Sorry its so long.

[moimeme]

Go see a therapist. Your issues are way out of hand and you need help to understand that and to fix them.

[einahpets]

go see a therepist together. he many issues he needs to work on too. i know how it is to have problems w/trust in a relationship because of the internet. since we have gotten the internet it has destroyed parts of our relationship that i wonder if we will ever get back. good luck, i know how much it sucks and how crazy it can make you. i too have lost much of my self esteem due to the stupid computer.

[Jacksin]

I started by feeling sorry for you jerseygirl, but by the time I reached the merciful end of your ramblings, I felt sorry for your husband being married to an untrusting insanely jealous nag!!

Get over it and move on, or get some professional help. You state you are 40 but in fact carry on like a 12 yr old.

This may sound blunt but I call it as I see it.
Jack

[jerseygirl40]

yeah well ......Jack.......your seeing it and getting it all wrong. But I can take it. I NEVER once felt the need to check up on him. Never! He brought it on himself. I trusted him completely and the fact he lied to my face when I asked him, not once 2 times about it. The fact I trusted him and he broke that trust, deciding on something that could affect his health and our safety. The fact he would strike me, no matter what. And from what I have learned. It is never OK, Jack, for a man to hit a woman.

I turned into a "nag" the day he decided on something pretty big. It wasn't like deciding on what color shirt to buy or deciding to take a vacation. I am looking for resolution. Maybe I should have thrown in the towel when I wasn't at least told the truth to begin with. And I am sure, Jack, you wouldn't trust someone who lied to you.

I am not about to apologize for making sure he isn't up to other things. I have a right to know and considering I can't seem to extract the truth, I have to resort, which is sad, on finding out for myself. I turned into a pretty good detective, figuring things out myself. So feel sorry for my husband, I feel sorry for you who has no compassion for someone who was lied to. I was actually relieved to find out it was what it was, not another woman. btw, my rambling was being about to open myself up to the whole story for advice. If my husband didn't act 12 yrs old, maybe I wouldn't have to act that way too. It wasn't all my problem. I didn't ask for the wedge he drove in...I can't let deceitful behavior just go without some resolution. And I don't apologize for my pissy moods, they are justified and warranted when someone can strike you, jack so If that is driving a wedge on my behalf so be it, I deserve honesty and respect.

[moimeme]

You asked for advice. You got it. You don't like it and don't want to hear it. So, really, it was pointless to ask, wasn't it?

[jerseygirl40]

thanks epets. I see you understand how that can tear at one's trust. As I said I never had issues to mistust him b4. Deep down he never gave me reason to. I don't know where this came from. I don't like the feeling it envoked. I had a real SOB for an ex. He was abusive and threatened and scared me and my kids one too many times. So I gave everything to trust someone again. I really feel that he is not "up" to other things, but feel that the one person I could trust didn't feel like he could be on the up and up with him. I am a relatively open minded person and would have understood the reason he wanted to try it. I just felt when 2 people are committed they should discuss such a big decision. things should have to be this way, no one said it would be easy. I know because of my past, I need to feel I can trust someone, and find it hard to do so. And this put me in a tailspin. False security I guess thinking I had nothing to worry about. And sometimes it makes you foolish to think months of "undercover" things were going on you had no idea. But thanks for your words and I hope you are ok, too! God Bless, like is too short for stupid stuff...that is for sure.

[jerseygirl40]

well moimee...I did ask for it, put myself out there, yes. I expected as much from unfeeling people. But it wasn't advice, it was an attack on me, which I DON'T appreciate. I put myself out there to try to fix what I did wrong. Whatever that may be. It wasn't overly helpful to be told something that isn't true. Maybe I protrayed the story that way, but it was interpreted wrong. When I see him doing something that makes me question what he is up to now, then yes, I ask him what is going on. which is warranted, when someone breaks trust you kind of have to live with that a little bit, to some degree. I wasn't nagging or screaming at him, only 1 time when I KNEW something was going on and he wouldn't tell me. Jack wasn't helping me, he just wanted to insult me and make me feel worse. But that's ok, like I said I know I would meet with the likes of people like that.

[FolderWife]

Well, jerseygirl, I've been (and am) where you are. I trusted my husband completely. I believed him when he said he wasn't ordering Playboy. Then I believed him when he said the playboy I found under the sink was "his uncle's" I believed in him, when he asked me how to delete the stuff he'd been looking at so no one would see. I believed in him whenenver I'd find porn sites all over the computer, and he said that it must've been some advertisement, because he didn't look at porn. I believed him when I got a porn site password in my e-mail that was deleted 3 hours later. I believed in him.

THEN I DISCOVERED COOKIES!!!

He lied to me for MONTHS! He couldn't have sex with me, because he was so exhausted from jacking off to porn! He promised never to do it again, and I found it again. He promised to never do it again, and I found it again. I started looking for it

When he took the hammer to the computer, I thought it was FINALLY over!....until I found a porn video in the VCR I checked with the cable company, only to find 8 PORNOS ORDERED IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS!!! He was lying to me AGAIN!

I don't trust him. I've told him that I don't trust him. he thinks I SPY on him. I tell him that I odn't have to spy on him, he leaves trails for me to follow!!! I was putting toilet paper under the sink, and found his magazine. He was clearing out the history, because HE ASKED ME TO, so we could give our old computer to my parents. I believed him for MONTHS when he said he wasn't looking at porn, and didn't know why he couldn't get or keep an erection.

When I found all the cookies from the porn sites he'd joined, and was looking at while I was at work, or church, or IN BED, I got so sick. I didn't trust him, so I didn't TELL him about cookies. To this day he asks me how I kept finding the porn, and I'll look him in the eye, and lie to him.

I don't trust him, and I dont' believe in him. If he tells me where he's been, I take it with a grain of salt. I don't go checking up on him, because like always before, I'll find out ACCIDENTLY.

Occasionally, like you, I'll get the sneaky feeling that something's up with him, and I'll just keep my eyes open. I don't have to spy on the computer any more, because we don't HAVE a computer any more. I still watch the cable bill.

I've had a sneaky suspicion that he's borrowing porn from his friends or something, but I haven't got any evidence as of late. He isn't acting weird like he usually does, and I haven't seen anything odd. Obviously, though, I've got my guard up, because I'm not interested in being blindsided again

[FolderWife]

P.S. The only advice I can give you, is to try and not let it bother you. Do like he says, and dont' check up on him, and trust that he's not doing anything. What you don't know won't hurt you.

If you think he's looking at porn, that could be the cause for his low libido. My husband had that same problem, and it was due soley to porn.

I understand checking up on him, because you NEED to know that his lack of sex drive is NOT YOU. I also understand your need to check up on him, so you won't be suprised when you find something. You don't want to feel like the fool. You don't want to act foolish, and have your husband sneak up on you with something that will hurt you.

I don't condone checking, because I like my privacy too. I don't know what these men EXPECT when they lie right to our face, and then we "catch" them...in my case, unintentionally. Whatever, though. If I spent money, and lied to my husband's face about it, then he showed me the statement with the PROOF that I'd spent money, do you think I'd expect him to believe me when I told him that I didn't spend money any more???

I understand our husband's pov too, however. I snuck and called a boy at the age of 16, and my mom HOUNDED ME TO DEATH about it. She'd never let me do anything, because "she couldn't trust me" she'd never believe a word I said, because "I was such a good liar." It got to the point, where I was MISERABLE.

I honestly think that when these men promise to never lie again, they genuinely mean it. I know they don't want us to not trust them, and I know they love us, so ....*sigh*...I don't know what the answer is.

[einahpets]

monday-i am exactly where you are. explain to me about cookies. he made a promise to me (we both agreed to stop looking at internet porn - i kept my end of the promise, he didn't). he lied to me over a period of months about it. the only way i think i can regain trust is to see proof that he isn't looking on the internet. then i will know he is not lying, because i obviously cant believe anything he says now. porn is fine-i bought videos and everything so he wouldn't have to lie. but he still did. what is it about the internet? i am fine with porn it is the lying that i refuse to take. and if he makes a promise to me (like with the internet porn) i expect him to keep it. doesnt he want me to be honest and keep promises? do guys ever put the shoe on the other foot? or do they only think about themselves? we have such a good relationship, but he doesnt ever put himself in my shoes. he can be selfish (which is just plain immature)...

[Clarity]

Originally posted by jerseygirl40
Also as a note, my husband lost his job in January, is still unemployed and is on the computer a good part of the day, on these boards, which hasn't helped he has so much time on his hands.

To me, it seems he's depressed. He suddenly has alot of time on his hands that he has to fill anyway he can in order to make himself feel better. Hence his sudden computer addiction. It's his way of feeling "productive" since work is null. In the mean time you are going through your own insecurity issues too. Each of you is feeling a bit "inadequate" or insecure in some form. When one is recently laid off and out of work it's depressing. But not admitting how deep the depression and feelings of inadequacy go; that is playing a big factor here...

His addiction to the internet can definately be unnerving to you but you are not responding to it well. The internet is a sneaky and tempting place when a defeated man isn't paying attention to the spam, the tricks and everything else. Instead of inspecting everything he does on the internet, ask him if he's been to flipdog or monster lately and let the rest go. You're jealousy and rage will push him away. Instead encourage him to find work, and try not to be locked up in the house together too much. Cabin fever is unhealthy for even the most lovingest folks on earth in my opinion. Try to stop yourselves from spiraling into a whirlpool of dysfunction.

I agree with the many others that you definately need counseling or you each just need to reflect on the fact that the both of you are going through some life hurdles that can either be overcome or drive you apart, depending on each of you.

[Moose]

Sometimes when I read Questions on this forum, I'm drawn to read other people's responses. I refrained from that this time so that I would be able to give you my un bias opinion.

Trust has to be earned. He was afraid of your response the first time you asked him about his steriod use. So he chose instead to lie to you. As far as what else he has lied about, I have to say he lied out of fear that he would never hear the end of it from you.

Have you ever thought that his lying is a direct reaction that you caused? I mean, I used to fib to my wife just so that I wouldn't have to go through a long lecture or butt chewin'. I've come to realize the consequences of lying are far worse than just telling the truth right out. It took me some time to re-gain her trust again just like it's going to take you some time too.


But for crying out loud, give him a chance to re-gain your trust. It seems like a lot of people on here throw therapy at everyone for every problem. I don't agree with that. Just give him time to learn how to tell the truth and stop putting him in a state of fear from you. Help him to know that by telling you the truth you will be open and not lash out at him the first chance you get.

Good Luck,

Moose

[FolderWife]

YES!einaphets! I wouldn't have minded him looking at porn at ALL, I don't think, if he'd just been honest with me. Why does he have to lie??? I lied to my Mom, because she refused time and again to let me have a boyfriend. I don't think I'd care if hubby looked at porn, but he didn't give me a chance! SECRETS SECRETS SECRETS!

[Smucks212]

Moose

I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend, like you, being afraid to tell me the truth because of how I react to him. We are in the process of working on gaining back a lot of the trust that was lost because of this, but he still lies about little things such as who he talked to on the phone or whether he picked up something from the store that I asked him too (didn't want to let me down..).

We are both young, 22, so sometiems Iw onder if it is immaturity or if he just will never stop the little lies...I was wondering how did your wife show you that it is ok for you to tell the truth, and that she won't react the way you were once afraid of? I know I can only tell him so much, but I really want to show him becuase actions speak much louder than words and I can say all I want about how I will react, but unless he sees it, I'm not sure he will tell the truth.