Fantastic 1st date with no follow-up phone call!!

spanky · 25th May 2004, 10:15 PM

So last night I had a fantastic date with this adorable new guy. It was our first date and he did nothing but shower me with complements. We had comfortable and interesting conversation, along with fun accompanied by lots of laughter. He walked me to the door at the end of the date, we shared a quick kiss, hug and innocent good night.

WHY HAS HE NOT CALLED ME TODAY?!?!?!?! I usually get a phone call the next day w/a request for a second date. UH HELLO! ARE HIS FINGERS BROKEN???

Any advice??? Thanks! Spanks

amerikajin · 25th May 2004, 10:27 PM

Any advice???

Yeah, chill out! It hasn't even been one day yet.

He's following the rule book, which means that he's not going to call you for at least another couple of days. Now if a week goes by and you haven't heard anything then maybe that's a problem. But seriously, why would you want him calling you the next day? Whether you know it or not, he's giving you what you really want: time to yourself to think about what a wonderful time you two had together, and the anticipation of another date. In other words, he's being a challenge.

spanky · 25th May 2004, 10:31 PM

My own rules are not supposed to be used on me! Spanky

amerikajin · 25th May 2004, 10:47 PM

You can still be a challenge, but he's just trying to make sure you don't think he's too desperate for you.

WarningSign · 25th May 2004, 10:53 PM

I think it's funny that you are already worrying that he didn't call you yet...but it's also pretty cute. It reminds me of what my sister would do ("I can't be-LIEVE he didn't call me yet!"). Give it time. He is simply afraid that he's going to come off as some kind of loser. It sounds like you guys had a great time and a good connection with each other. He just doesn't want to come off too strong in fear that you might reject him. He's afraid he'll look too obsessive. Or...maybe he was really busy. I bet he'll call you.

Curt · 26th May 2004, 12:23 AM

Spank,

It's really really great that you both hit it off. We were all glad for ya when we found out that it went so well ...

Thing is though hunn, ya gotta give it time.

amerikajin and WarningSign are more than likely right on the money. It appears that part of relationships is a sort of "gaming/rules of contact" thing.

Personally, I think this "game" of the dating process (or whatever one chooses to call that "process" of early "back and forth" between potential partners) is silly in many ways, but I suppose it does have some potentially good "functions" as well. Those positives and negatives of "the rules" have been discussed in the forum in months past, and are worth the read. Just plug in the words "rules" and "dating" into the search area, and you'll get about 7 pages worth of posts...

A couple points:

One such function is (maybe) that it allows both dating singles, after the initial "date" (like you just had with this dude), to have time to assess the success or lack of success of the date. Also, as amerikajin suggested, it allows for both to build anticipation of another date in future.

On the flip side of all that, "making oneself a challenge" is part of the process of the "rules" also. Perhaps it helps one see if "s/he is really serious about dating" or whatever.

Mostly, I consider the rules a pack of crap ... and I feel they should be put to a timely death. Love should not depend on "how many times s/he calls vs. how many he calls" or "how many days pass before one calls the other". COMMON SENSE, honesty, and individuals caring for one another should be the only rules that prevail. If you wanna call him, please call him and tell him thanks for the wonderful time you had. We guys are awful with that telephone. See other threads on that one.

OH...By The Way:

That whole "guys not phoning" issue has been the fodder of a few posts over the past few days - er - months (perhaps years actually). General conception with us guys is that we hate that bugger of a machine. We'd rather talk in person anyday. Sure, some guys also love the phone. BUT, in general ... I think the majority of us abhor that thing!

I have no research to point to but, if as males we are more "visual", we would enjoy the visual stimulation of the gal whose presence we so enjoy. Females are supposedly more relationship/discussion-centric, so I should imagine that telephone would be fantastic, as far as gals are concerned.

Anyways ... Judge yourself accordingly. But keep in mind what I said.

Curt

spanky · 26th May 2004, 5:06 PM

I'm trying to chill! Spanky

moimeme · 26th May 2004, 10:56 PM

Curt - I agree with you one hundred per cent. This whole not calling in case someone thinks you like him thing is stupid, IMHO. Isn't the whole point that people *want* to be liked?

Clearly, some of us don't actually belong on this planet.

spanky · 26th May 2004, 11:30 PM

I am not from this planet. I am unlike many earthlings. You know why I am approaching this guy in such a stubborn manner? It is because of the way that my last relationship failed and blew up in my face with no warning. I started calling him, and then one call led to another and another and so-on and so-forth. He felt chased and the more I tried to get close the faster he ran. I am terrified to make that mistake again. I gave my ex everything and he put forth no effort. It hurts for me to just be realizing all this but it is true.

I want to feel cherished and worshiped (and him feel it back) I wanted my last relationship to work so bad that I constantly tried to regain control and power over all of it. I destroyed it. I'm wounded and scared of being left again. I miss my ex, I want him back yet I want him to treat me better than he did before. He was very selfish and unwilling to share himself with me. I did all the work.

I am letting go and letting "HIM," the new guy, whomever it may be, work to be with me. You see, I have no problem giving a relationship my all, heart and soul, but this time if it develops into a relationship, I just wanna be sure that he is capable of giving as well. By the way.......HE CALLED ME!!!! I was working and its too late to return his call but I am so thrilled that he called. Thank goodness. Hey, all of you have been great. Thanks so much! Spanks

moimeme · 27th May 2004, 2:49 AM

Don't let your old baggage spoil this relationship. BIG mistake a lot of people make.

Pyrannaste · 27th May 2004, 3:13 AM

I agree with the others.
Tons of men really use these 'do not call the day after the date', 'call from to 3 to 7 days later', 'wait at least 3 days before calling a girl who gave you your number' rules.

I remember of a guy who got my number on friday night, called me on sunday and he was bragging "I was really about to call you yesterday, but I was wise and waited, I didn't want to sound desperate to go out with you".
Now that was funny...... I had to bit my tongue not to remind him that you are not supposed to reveal the timing tricks!

amerikajin · 27th May 2004, 4:36 AM

I gave my ex everything and he put forth no effort.

That's a mistake many people of both genders make. If one person puts in all the effort, then where's the incentive for the other person to put in effort of his/her own? What happens next is predictable. If you're lucky, both people understand this from the get go and you get into a rhythm.

I used to think that "the rules" were stupid, but no longer - at least in the beginning, when you're trying to feel each other out. I think what it does is that it allows people a chance to get to know each other at a pace that is comfortable for both people. We've all been crushed by others, and we've all had crushes. Seriously, no matter how much I liked a girl, I'd start to wonder what was up if she wanted to chit chat all night long the night after our first date. I'd think "Is she desperate? Doesn't she have a life of her own? What's the rush? What's her problem?" A follow up call just to say "Hey, thanks for the date. I had a really good time" is never a problem. But it should pretty much end there, with the possibility of a future encounter and nothing more than that. Experience tells me that.

moimeme · 27th May 2004, 10:09 AM

Oh piffle. If you two yakked your heads off on the first date, and you both found that enjoyable, then calling the next day and yakking more is no biggie. I suppose if you've gone out with someone because you're sort of maybe interested and you guess you might have had an ok time, you'd not want to talk much but if you connect well and enjoy talking to each other, what's the deal?

Curt said it best: Love should not depend on "how many times s/he calls vs. how many he calls" or "how many days pass before one calls the other". COMMON SENSE, honesty, and individuals caring for one another should be the only rules that prevail.

amerikajin · 27th May 2004, 10:17 AM

Even if I had a good time, I wouldn't want to have her calling me and wanting to yak my head off the next day. For f*cks sake, give me a rest. Let me watch my NFL football, drink a few beers and get rowdy with my buds on Sunday.

moimeme · 27th May 2004, 11:12 AM

LOL. Well, what if you went out Friday and it's Saturday?

Clearly, if it would be such a labour for you to talk to her, then you didn't enjoy the conversation that much. Me, I like, above all, a good conversationalist. The better the discourse, the more of it I want. Fortunately, any fellows I've taken up with were similarly interested in conversation and there's been none of this 'waiting X number of days' before they called because we both enjoyed talking to each other enough to want more.

Other people have other things they're looking for, of course. Me, I'm attracted from the brain down, so it's in a fellow's best interest to enjoy conversing in my case