Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
When my fiance does this I disrespect him and that spirals into doubt about the entire relationship. Intellectually I can deal with it, in a way but emotionally it always deeply hurts me. My fiance is the nicest man, truly wonderful, I mean I want to marry him. But when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to any woman's chest that walks by I have to wonder?
I know he loves and adores me, Im sure of it, but I cant comprehend how he can love me and my body and keep looking at other women's bodies.
If I did a similar thing maybe I would understand it. Im so happy with him I dont even see other men, I know they exist but in my memory, I never make eye contact with them or check out their pecs or ponder the size of their wallets.
Im know Im attractive and intelligent and loved etc, so its not a self confidence thing, its more about me not understanding his behaviour and finding it hurtful, as well as causing me to disrespect and distrust him.
I would really love to know how to deal with this and move on. Is there anyway of being truly at peace with this situation?
meshelbe
But when even he cant seem to prevent his eyes from flicking to any woman's chest that walks by I have to wonder?
I wondered about it myself. I found that the more I thought about it, the more often I looked.
How many times did you look after somebody told you not to look? The temptation to do it is hard to resist.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th June 2005 at 11:38 PM..
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ALL MEN DO IT . LIKE SOME MEN HAVE THESE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AT HOME AND WHERE ARE THEY AT THE TITTY BAR CHECKING IT OUT HALF OF THESE WOMEN ARE OK WITH IT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOUR COMING FROM BUT YOU CANT CHANGE IT ALLS YOU CAN DO IS TALK TO HIM AND SAY WHEN YOUR OUT WITH ME PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WONDERING EYES IT HURTS ME
That which makes you unhappy in any situation is the set of ideas that you have constructed around the situation. So, for instance, you say I cant comprehend how he can love me and my body and keep looking at other women's bodies. So, in your mind, you believe that him looking at others' bodies must mean he does not love you. That hurts you.
The truth of the matter is that him looking at others' bodies has no effect on how much he loves you, but because you have linked the two in your mind, you are caused distress. Now, if you can get yourself convinced that his looking at women does not diminsh his love for you, this will cease to hurt.
Read some books by Dr. Albert Ellis. He pioneered Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy which helps people decouple hurtful thoughts from the emotions they cause.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Look at all the big name celebrities who date and marry the most gorgeous women in the world but end up cheating and screwing around. Look at the celeb couple Posh Spice and David Beckham. She's beautiful, rich and famous but Becks can't help that roving eye and supposedly was caught messing around with another chick.
Men are dogs - they have caveman tendencies and lust after women. They have sex on the brain 24/7. Nothing can stop them from checking out T&A walking by.
I've learned that when my man looks when he's with me - I totally ignore it. I don't hesitate to check out a handsome guy either - I even flirt more. Why not?
We women need to openly lust just like the guys - we're just trained to be too ladylike. I say we start a new trend of crotch watching. I myself get turned on by men's muscular arms and calves - that's what I like looking at.
Start looking at men and ignore his looking at women. Stop wasting your energy worrying about him and enjoy your own eye candy out there.
My man has the same problem..I mean, he is INFATUATED with boobs...At first i would get irritated,but after a while, kinda got used to it i guess.LOL..It dont bother me, I know he is with me, so what is it hurtin? Maybe you should talk to him about it, nicely, to see what he says...I dont know, but i know how ya feel, i was there too!
Originally posted by MelissaJ
Look at all the big name celebrities who date and marry the most gorgeous women in the world but end up cheating and screwing around.
[..]
Men are dogs - they have caveman tendencies and lust after women.
Look at all the women who are great mothers, but go crazy and murder their children.
Women are murderers--the have psychotic tendencies and a lust for child-blood.
I don' think this is the rule. My last boyfriend had a horrible roving eye and even openly talked about such and such hot girls. My previous boyfriends before him did NOT do this. If they checked out other women they kept it to their self and did not do this so blatantly and hurtfully.
Some men are dogs. Some women are dogs. Some men are respectful and some women are respectful. Find one of the respectful kind and let him go terrorize some other girl with his distasteful behavior.
meshelbe,
you did not mention in your post if you ever told your fiance that his looking at other women's tits bothers you. Did you?
I think that the majority of guys *could* manage to keep his eyes from slipping if they tried(hard or even not), and that many guys will willingly resist looking at other women when they are with their SO once they have a clue it bothers her.
Have you actually told him that you find his behavior disrespectful to you and rude and have you asked him point-blank to not do this around you?
When my husband and I were first dating I saw him look at other women a few times and I did find that rude. He was my focus when we were out. I didn't say anything to him and after we'd been out a few months I realized that he wasn't looking. I didn't say anything, but I was thinking that he was developing feelings for me and he doesn't 'see' anyone else -- just like I didn't 'see' anyone but him. Some years later we were talking (arguing I think) and he said he made a point of not looking because he was afraid it would hurt my feelings, not because he wasn't still curious or still didn't enjoy the sight of a lovely body or face, but out of respect for me. I didn't realize that before.
Not all men will do this of their own accord -- so tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to refrain while with you.
PS: My husband and I have been together so long now that I'll point out a beautiful woman to him- sometimes serious because beauty is beauty, but sometimes jokingly as in 'lookit her legs - I'll bet they go ALL the way up!" or "dang! She must be wearin' a back brace, if I had those I'd have to have them on wheeled supports to push around in front of me" or "those are Waaaay to perky to be real -- she's gonna take some dude's eye out the way she keeps swingin' those around!" kind of comments! I don't care if he looks now.
Things change and his looking, while rude and disrespectful, doesn't change his feelings for you. I've seen some adorable puppies but I don't love my sway-backed, blind, ugly-mutt any less because of the cute pups!
many things in relationships are worth compromising...respect is NEVER one of them. If he loves you he'd change his behavior out of respect for your feelings.
don't get me wrong. Just because one is married, engaged or in a relationship doesn't mean that they will never think another man or woman is attractive. some people are attractive and that's ok. But gawking or looking in such a way that is disrespectful, noticable and hurtful to loved ones isn't acceptable -- particularly when you have called him on it several times. Nip it in the bud because marrying someone who is disregard your feelings before you are married doensn't bode well for after the marriage.
I believe this "respect for feelings" is a crock of waste. It's a completely relative term, used to guilt someone into complying with your demands. What if this were important to him--wouldn't you be disrespecting his feelings by not allowing him to tit-perv?
Find a way to work through your problems that doesn't include emotional blackmail--issues need not be qualified by making it a litmus test for love or respect. That's totally destructive behavior, and doesn't belong in a relationship. That's the way a toddler gets cookies at the store.
The expectation that someone, either in a professional relationship or a personal one treat you in a manner that is respectful is no where near the realm of emotional blackmail. She has not extorted anything from him and threatened that he comply in order to get what he wants back. She isn't holding anything over his head and demanding that he comply or else...
This is a situation where his actions hurt her, he knows that they hurt her because she makes a big deal out of it everytime he does it, yet he seeks self gradification anyway. I think that turning this into a , "What if this were important to him--wouldn't you be disrespecting his feelings by not allowing him to tit-perv? " situation isn't really productive - because following that logic...what if developed in to infidelity. Should she not take the infidelity personally and respect his need to cheat because it is important to him? What about what's imporant to her. This isn't about guilting anyone into submission. I don't believe in playing that game or any others.
don't you agree that relationships go two ways? there has to be give and take? Why should she be the only one giving? You want her to disregard her feelings in lui of his - not a smart move. Folks tend to develop resentment down the line after having done this. I suggest a mutually equitable arrangement. For me that's him aknowledging her pain, and resepcting her feelings enought o at least not do it in her presence.
Originally posted by MsLandon
The expectation that someone, either in a professional relationship or a personal one treat you in a manner that is respectful is no where near the realm of emotional blackmail.
Right, but you're doing the blackmail by QUALIFYING his compliance by making it an issue of love or respect. It circumvents communication, because you're emotionalizing it.
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She has not extorted anything from him and threatened that he comply in order to get what he wants back. She isn't holding anything over his head and demanding that he comply or else...
I don't know if you've ever lived with women before, but when they're convinced that you don't love or respect them, things aren't peaceful--ask my dad's permanant mark in the couch.
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This is a situation where his actions hurt her, he knows that they hurt her because she makes a big deal out of it everytime he does it, yet he seeks self gradification anyway.
See, that's the thing. It's not that the actions hurt her, it's that she's hurt by the actions--there is a difference. I'm not marginalizing this--tit-perving is certainly an issue for some. What needs to happen is communication. When you say "Respect my feelings by doing what I say" or "If you loved me you'd stop" or "When you do this you're hurting me, so..." Then you are NOT communicating. Instead, you're circumventing communication by playing a childish, albeit effective, game.
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You want her to disregard her feelings in lui of his - not a smart move.
No, I said no such thing. I want her to stop qualifying his actions in terms of love and respect--because it's extremely destructive.
I didn't say he wasn't doing anything wrong, but he's not on the forum--she is, so my advice to her is to handle it like an adult.
Well Dyer,how is a woman to handle things when the man ogles so openly that he stops conversation in mid-sentence or makes comments like "omg god,look at the tits on her" or "god damn,she must have those pants painted on" or he double and triple takes so hard that he almost falls from the chair he's seated on? What does a woman say when a man gives her a detailed report of the sweet young thangs he saw arould the local high school while out on his daily walk?
Tell me please how to act and behave in these situations.I've tried rational discussion and all I get is defensiveness,hostility and anger.
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