[lumbee]

IM new to this, just looking for advice, please forgive me if this is too long, im a 31yr old married man.My wife is 33 weve been married for 11yrs now, when we were dating she was a virgin (or so she says). Everything was going fine we got engaged and she ended up pregnant b4 we were married. That was fine with me since we were geting married .

Then the problems started on our wedding night(she didnt want to have sex)I delt with it no big deal, she was probably tired being pregnant and all, then as time went on, she didnt want it at all, saying she was tired all the time .OF COURSE WE HAD SEX NOW AND THEN, BUT her bending over and saying hurry up doesnt do it for me.A few yrs weny by and she got pregnant again and as always her excuse was im tired or i just had a baby or something like that, few more yrs went by she gave me one reason after the other, you dont take me out enough or do anything with me, so i said ok lets change that and i did, taking her out goin on trips etc.

But nothing changed as far as her sex drive, she said she had no desire or drive for it at all, and no fantasies. so i bought video tapes and books for US to try and work on it, but alas no change,i asked her if she wanted to masturbate and discover want she liked,SHE SAID SHED NEVER DO THAT AND NEVER HAD DONE IT AND WAS DISGUSTED BY THAT

OK a cople more yrs went by and i got out of the military and moved back home, I was to the point of accepting that there are ppl like that out there and i would deal with her low sex drive, i loved her so i could deal with it . I HAD SOME ADULT MOVIES(HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF) she gave me a hard time about having them in the house, i dont know why because they were stored properly away from the kids

I EVEN TRIED TO GET HER TO WATCH THEM WITH ME EVERY NOW AND THEN BUT SHE WOULDNT , So one day i noticed the movies had been moved slightly, i put it in and it was not on the scene it was when i was watchging it, so i started to pay atten to them more, and sure enough they had been watched almost everyday, when i asked her of it she denied, denied , denied, then finally confessed she was wacthing them and masturbating( the whole time we had been married) i said ok what am i doing wrong i can work on it, hey im not proud ill do what you want me to, we worked on it , she shared a fantasy that wanted to lick another womans breast)it seemed better for a week or two then back to the same ol same ol

It was to the point shed turn me down for sex and then masturbate when i left for work or when i was gone she told me"TO GET OVER IT"it made me feel hurt and crushed, im open minded didnt mind if she masturbated in front of me but she wouldnt, around this time she meet a friend at work ans the first thing she said about this girl was that she was bi and the things she had done, i didnt suspect anything then

but the girl made passes at ny wife at a party, when i tried to kiss my wife she backed away, i said isnt that wrong she doesnt want to kiss me(jokingly) the girl blutrs out" thats because she wants to kiss me" my wife said nothing . and the next week my wife baked a cake for my birthday the girl was over just us three were there my wife asked from the kitchen if i wanted any cake, i said no ill just lick some off of you later , that sounds good doesnt it(jokingly i love to joke and laugh) this time the girl said that does sound good licking cake off of her, then i started to get suspicious

anyway i confronted her about it she got upset and denied it(very upset)then ppl that worked with them, mutual friends said comments like"we thought something was going on between them" they had no idea this was an issue between me and my wife, so that added fuel to the fire, we argued about it alot since

and the girl stopped coming around or calling i was going to finally asked the girl so i called her and left a couple of mesages thati wanted to talk to her( she knew nothing of our arguments about this or even that it was a issue) then a week later her phone # was changed to an unpublished #hmmmmmmmm????? interesting i thought

now this has been a while ago, i threw out the movies and my wife said she wouldnt do it anymore (masturbate) but she ordered ppv and does it and still does it saying that i have a problem because it shouldnt be a big deal, HELLO I GET NO SATISFACTION id rather have a human touch as opposed to doing it myself, and she still denies anything ever happned with that girl,theres so much more to tell but i have to make this shorter dont want anyone to get tired of reading my story but she lies about watching the movies still( just recently caught her after months of her saying she didnt) then she confessed she still does,

ive always tried to give her what she wants, i do laundry dishes and cook, i do help out as well as work over 40hrs a week,and the short time we did seem we were working it out she watched a couple of movies with me she really gets turned on by the mff OR FFF threesomes but when i ask if shes bi she says shes disgusted of the thought of another woman,GET REAL LMAO WHAT A JOKE

SO ANY INPUT WOULD BE HELPFUL AND IM OPEN TO ANY ?S ANYONE HAS

IM I WRONG TO BE UPSET THAT SHE GETS PLEASURE WITH A MOVIE AND NOT AT ALL WITH ME ( I NEVER HAD ANY COMPLAINTS B4) IF WE HAD A" NORMAL SEX LIFE" I WOULDNT CARE IF SHE DID IT, BUT SHE ALWAYS DENIES ME SEX

[Fritz]

Whoa.. a guy complaining about porn!?

Lumbee, man, that sucks and its very very suspicious what she's doing. It sounds a lot like she's in denial about her sexuality. Get marriage counseling for yourself and both of you. No one should have to put up with that in a marriage.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by lumbee
AM I WRONG TO BE UPSET THAT SHE GETS PLEASURE WITH A MOVIE

Yes.

AND NOT AT ALL WITH ME

No.

IF WE HAD A" NORMAL SEX LIFE" I WOULDNT CARE IF SHE DID IT, BUT SHE ALWAYS DENIES ME SEX

Exactly.

This is not a case of simple miscommunication, there are serious sexual issues between you and your wife, possibly she's a lesbian, but that's sorta irrelevant, as she's not interested in sexual contact with YOU, which is the main issue. The porn has nothing to do with it, even when the shoe's on the other foot, porn doesn't CAUSE problems, it's merely a symptom.

Don't scapegoat on the little things, she has a right to masturbate and even fantasize about women, but her behavior is completely destroying the intimacy of your marriage, which is the reason sex ain't happenin'. Go to a counselor--together, you're in this too--and if she refuses, understand that this is the beginning of the end.

[lumbee]

maybe i left out a few things, its not the fact that shes masturbating or fantasizing about women. its if she doesnt want me hell ill go, she says she more "comfortable by herself" in ref to to her self pleasure that is, and she gets upset if i look at another woman, not that i gauk i mean if i just glance

Hello,

I cannot believe that you have been putting up with so much crap.
You have very little sex and from your message it seems there is a good chance that she has been cheating on you with her female friend. My guess is that she is probably carrying on with this girl behind your back.

My question to you is are you willing to spend the rest of your life with a spouse who has no interest in being sexual with you whatsoever. What is the point of living your life like this? I may be missing something but you seem like a glutton for punishment in staying in this relationship. It is your life buy why do you wish to live it like this? Counseling is essential but it will only work if both are committed to change the relationship. Life is too short. I wish you luck.

[devastated]

UM geez......... I am sorry.

Sounds to me that you have tried to communicate your in securities about this whole situation with your wife, and apparently to no avail. If your wife is unwilling to work on her issues (eg. seeking help professionally) then there is not really a whole lot that you can do especially since you have been going through this for a long time.

Maybe your wife is a lesbian or bi and unwilling to admit it, but why just sit back and wait for her to figure that out. A marriage takes two and if one is doing all the work while the other does nothing it will not work out.

I understand that you love your wife but staying in a marriage of one will not do either of you justice.

[Good2Go]

I'd tell her to find a lovely female to pay her bills. I'd be out of that faster than she could say "Oh yeah Brenda!".

My girlfriend was having a fling with someone else. She also looked on the internet at porn and watched porn movies at home ... masturbating instead of having sex with me. I finally discovered her affair when I hacked into her voicemail by accident hearing these after-sex lusty messages left to her by the other party. I kicked her out then we made up. She's fessed up and swore to never speak to that person ever again. Our sex life is back to normal and she is treating me like her lover and not a nuisance like she used to.

[Mr Spock]

Is directly linked to how she feels about her body and her self image. This may not help you but when I had packed on the pounds at the end of my last relationship I would have rather engaged in self love than have sex with my partner, even if he was wlling and right beside me. I just didn't want to be touched-I couldn't believe that any one could find me attractive when I looked how I thought I did, and I didn't trust him when he said he wanted to have sex with me. F*cked up psychology but that's how I felt.

[Mr Spock]

PS-I'd also like to add that even though I didn't trust HIM when he said he was still attracted to me if any other man flirted with me it would be SUCH a thrill.......

[Confused123]

boy, I am really sorry for your situsation.. Sounds like a awful thing to be involved. You sound like a truly nice guy who just wants a healthy sex life with the women he loves. She is clearly taking advantage of your understanding nature. Tell her either she stop all this bullsh&t or she will have more then enough time to look at porn and flirt with the women at work. You may be completely devoted to her, but she is not completely concerned with you needs. I would def gtell her that you can not live like this, nor do you deserve, you are only 31 years old. much to young to be dealing with these issue.. I hope you come to realize that you do not deserve this type of treatment... I really feel for you...

She was watching your porn when you weren't home and taking care of herself - what's the big deal?

Helllooooooooo - Women masturbate too - usually because their husband's and boyfriends spend too much time and energy jacking off to porn to satisfy them!

When women's needs are not being fulfilled what the hell else are WE supposed to do? Thank god for vibrators - eventually we'll all depend on them because all the men are too busy sitting in front of computers or hiding in their bathrooms with their KY Jelly and porn mags.

[einahpets]

i'm all for women watching porn and masturbating too....i do it.
but this guy sounds like he is literally dying for a little lovin'. men viewing porn can make women insecure and not want sex. but it seems as if she has not been interested in sex all the long.

it seems as if your wife is in denial of some sort, whether it is the fact she might be bi/les or the state the marriage is in. you owe it to your children to go get counseling. your children deserve to be in a home w/2 parents who love each other. you can't live like this forever. i don't know what other advice to give you, i know what porn can do to a relationship. i have had issues in my current relationship w/porn. i feel for you, i hope things work out for you.

[Olivia_19742004]

You stated that your wife was a virgin when you married. Have you ever asked her if she feels as though she missed out on a part of life by not having other sex partners? Have you ever asked her if she feels any regret for having stayed a virgin until she was married? From what I see your wife may be feel that she, although it appears by her choice, wasn't allowed to experience what other people experience and may be unconsciously blaming you for her situation. She may be pushing you away sexually because although she loves you she has an inner "whore" that wants to come out which would account for her constant denial of non-virtuous behavior. She may feel like you'll judge her or think less of her if you know her true desires. Have you communicated with her that nothing she would want to do sexually (providing it's legal) will ever make you think less of her or change your attraction to her? Have you told her that you want to explore her sexuality with her? Would you be willing to explore her sexuality with her? Whatever fantasies or fetishes she may have?

It appears as though the porn is enabling her to take on a role that she may secretly want to explore and this is why she consistently hides it from you. If I had to guess I'd say she is having some inner turmoil between the sexually charged woman she wants to be and the doting wife and mother she may be expected to be. You need to find a way to let her know that it's okay for her to be a woman and a wife and mother.

It may be worth it to explore this theory if for nothing else to disprove that she is resenting her sexual history and unconsciously taking it out on you.

[Thinkalot]

Your post made me feel sad. You ARE being treated unfairly. Her watching porn would be no big problem, if you had a healthy sex life together, and there weren't all these other communication issues, and half truths told, and so on.

Something bigger is going on....counselling may help.

It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share. I don't think you are being unreasonable, after reading all the details you've mentioned.