Let's say there was someone in your life which had put you through complete agony. Through time you got somewhat over it. Enough to at least feel relatively normal. This wasn't the end of a 3 month 'we dated'....this would be your long term relationship with 'love and promises'.
MONTHS LATER....this person gets in touch with you, trying to start up a dialogue.
Do you at least respond with a 'hi' but no thanks?
Do you talk to them to try to settle as past 'no closure'? (putting it mildly)
Do you entertain the idea of trying one more time?
Do you tell them to kiss your A$$?
Do you keep up your NO CONTACT rule you started early on and have managed to follow for months and don't respond in any way?
I always advocate the last one. I don't do go-backs. I don't forgive and forget. Even when a 'Welcome home...I'm glad you didn't get shot in the war'...would be appropriate.
Think about the person who most impacted your love life and how you would respond if they contacted you today. Let's say email.
(meanon...empty PM box...grab beer and brown paper bag for my hyperventalating.....hahahaha!)
Originally posted by Arabess
Let's say there was someone in your life which had put you through complete agony. Through time you got somewhat over it. Enough to at least feel relatively normal. This wasn't the end of a 3 month 'we dated'....this would be your long term relationship with 'love and promises'.
MONTHS LATER....this person gets in touch with you, trying to start up a dialogue.
Do you at least respond with a 'hi' but no thanks?
Do you talk to them to try to settle as past 'no closure'? (putting it mildly)
Do you entertain the idea of trying one more time?
Do you tell them to kiss your A$$?
Do you keep up your NO CONTACT rule you started early on and have managed to follow for months and don't respond in any way?
I always advocate the last one. I don't do go-backs. I don't forgive and forget. Even when a 'Welcome home...I'm glad you didn't get shot in the war'...would be appropriate.
Think about the person who most impacted your love life and how you would respond if they contacted you today. Let's say email.
(meanon...empty PM box...grab beer and brown paper bag for my hyperventalating.....hahahaha!)
whats the point of going back? they are most likely to repeat past behavior.
__________________
"we become what we think about"
-Nightindale
If it's possible to clear the air then I think that's the thing to do... I don't believe in having a lot of negative energy and feelings looming out there... that's just me.
If the ex was a biggie, I'd respond to his e-mail. Why? Because he was so important.
Every so often someone comes along in your adult life, just when you think your beyond such things, and knocks your socks off. Unless the person was abusive or psycho, and I don't think this guy was, I'd at least hear what he has to say. And I'd want him to hear what I had to say, too.
Connections matter in certain keystone relationships. This sounds like it was one of those.
Hear him out, Arabess. And if you feel like it, give him hell.
If I'm answering honestly, for myself, I would answer the email in a polite way and inform him that you have no desire to open old wounds and therefore will not correspond with him in the future. Tell him how much he hurt you, wish him the best in his life and try to let it go.
If it was toxic once to you, then it will be toxic again.
I agree, Arabess...I've had to learn my lesson the very hard, painful way. That's to move forward and NEVER go back, because that is what you end up doing. If you've managed to recover, grow, and move on from something and someone that caused you a great deal of pain (or caused you to sacrifice too much for your own sake), it will be no good.
Believe it or not, I believe this kind of person (that one that was toxic for you) knows they have this effect on you. They had their chance and time with you, it's tough luck for them now.
It's like a moth to a flame...you'll always get burned.
You can drink some wine and answer once your tipsy. HAHAHAHA!
You bad girl you made me tipsy
Barbie I have been married for generations, I don't have that many long term past relationships. In the brief spell I was unattached I wanted variety
The long lost love of my youth I stayed in touch with until it became clear it was doing him harm. Then no contact, despite several attempts to stay in touch.
I think you should put aside your pride and trust your gut instinct.
If he was clear about what needed to be done and didn't deliver then don't get in touch.
If there is ANY doubt about whether he knew how you felt then give him an ultimatum by email. I don't believe in them normally but you can not afford to waste your time and risk your heart on this man. Don't call him.
But depending on how much of a sh*t they were, I might choose the latter. Of course, it might get complicated if he actually takes you up on the offer!!
"If it was toxic once to you, then it will be toxic again."
I totally agree. What is really bizarre is how quite wonderful relationships can degenerate into horror over time. You always wish it would go back to being nice but, as Fedup says, it seldom does. People who start treating you nastily do so for some good reason, logically to get you out of their lives. Piss on them if it happens to be convenient sometime later on to have me back in their lives to use me in some way.
Of course, all this depends on circumstances. But, generally speaking, when someone is bad enough for you to get them out of your life it's much better if they STAY out of your life.
Well i am going to apply his to friendhip rather then a relationship, but anyway, i had a friend, who was mostly online, she did go to my school, but we never saw each other, we talked for hours every day then one day she just blocked my SN. Then 3 months later(on my birthday) she unblocks me and i try to fix my mistakes(i insulted her bf) and rebuild the friendship, but it fell through, and she blocked me again, now i blocked her just for insurance that she cant talk to me.
You guys were supposed to 'reflect' on what you would do if it happened to you! HAHA!
I have too much pride....I'll gnaw off my fingers before I would call. That's the advice I give....and have now been called on it.
I just had to do something in the way of a post so Meanon wouldn't have to deal with this all alone....I can be QUITE pathetic!!!
I DO think there is a fine line between forgiveness and being a SCHMUCK! I also think sending my 36 point Word Document with the word 'F*CKERSH*T" is a little much. It is quite pretty and colorful though.
If it happened to me, I'd be verrrrrrrrrry tempted to reply back and be a monsterbitch deluxe. However, those things are best left to fantasy.
Arabess, you're a sharp, wise woman. You know that the very best thing you can do is keep up your no contact rule. So what if he contacts you and you don't reply? You owe him no explanation. Sometimes silence speaks volumes.
__________________
Don't cast your pearls before swine.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
