I too await the interesting reply to your excellent question, Dyer.
But the hint of the answer is in the thread's title, the word "Just," implies that the writer believes the children's welfare is less significant than her own.
Many might see the value the husband places on his children's welfare being better in his marriage than in his divorce as something "nobel," but we can guess where Redhead stands in the debate.
I suppose another question to consider is: Do YOU want the marriage to continue for the sake of the children IF he is no longer in love with you?
I probably wouldn't. I would hate to spend my whole life in a loveless marriage. Other people though, feel that keeping a family together is the better choice. So, it really comes down to what YOU want.
I think you should come out and ask him how he feels....then be prepared to make a decision.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Wish we could put the two related Red-threads together.
Otherwise, Moimeme, I'd really be thrown by your abuse comment. As it is, I have to wonder what you mean by using the present tense: True, the guy WAS abusive, but even Red states in the inconveinently separate thread, that this is not the case NOW.
I've been married for 8 years to a man I got involved with at age 19. I'm 30 now, we have 2 kids and are completely unhappy with each other. He was unfaithful repeatedly prior to marriage (although I didn't find out until after marriage and very publicly) and I worked very hard to get over it. When I got pregnant with my daughter (first child), he continued to drink and party and generally refused to grow up and be a dad. When our daughter was about 2 or 3, I'm not sure, he began an online (or so they tell me) relationship with an ex-girlfriend he only dated for 3 months when they were 17. Needless to say, all the old infidelity issues came up again and I didn't even discover this emotional affair until I was pregnant with my second child, well after the 'online' relationship was begun. I found out he continued to tell her private things about me and basically bad mouth me to her and her friend who he also had a secret relationship with.
Additionally, every 6 months or so, he blows up and becomes borderline violent and pushes and shoves me forcefully and once ran over my foot after kicking me out of the car while I was pregnant with my second child with my daughter in the car. While I am not afraid of him actually hitting me, he is terrorizing me and my children with this behavior. Afterwards, he is very calm, almost a different person and pretends things are not actually like this or that it's my fault and I drove him to it.
I do believe he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.
However, I no longer trust him and this has become a huge issue for me and for him as well. I believe on one hand he really is trying, but I've believed it before and been totally wrong.
Also, I cannot remember the last time we had sex, nor do I have any interest in it any longer as he is so uncommunicative and unresponsive and pretends our problems are my fault or non-existant.
My dilemma is that while I know these violent outbursts are not my fault and unacceptable (I have asked him for couples counseling and counseling for his anger - he refuses), I do see progress in other areas. Where do I go from here?
IF you knew anything at all about abuse, you would comprehend that men who abuse do not just stop doing it. She has related several egregious episodes. That is enough. All the information out there (which is freely available, should you wish to educate yourself) says that the facts are that people who abuse continue to abuse, and that the abuse only escalates.
The expert generalist speaks: There is a forest, but I cannot see any trees.
Get off your high-horse Moimeme. The condescending attitude isn't attractive. Afterward you might try to read the post written by an individual, not a statistic.
I did, Samson. Next time you read a post, maybe quit ignoring the bits that describe the unacceptable behaviour on the man's part and seeing only the bits that indicate he isn't a complete jerk. Then, read up on 'confirmation bias' and 'selective perception'.
Got misogyny?
It appears to me that you believe that anyone who takes offence at a man's bad behaviour is a man-hater. Not so, and on many occasions I have urged the woman to make allowances or give leeway to the man. But not in cases of abuse.
I repeat. Abuse trumps the rest. My abuser had good points, too. That didn't stop him from trying to harm me.
Last edited by moimeme; 21st March 2004 at 3:16 PM..
I do believe he has worked hard to improve his relationship with his children and be a real father and become more involved with them as he should be, but I think he holds some sort of grudge against our daughter, who is so much like me it's scary. He's also stopped drinking so much and stays home more and has started going to school and is generally trying, I believe.
AND
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However, I no longer trust him and this has become a huge issue for me and for him as well. I believe on one hand he really is trying, but I've believed it before and been totally wrong.
Often, we project our own experience onto others. This doen't make for the best advise all the time. If you can open yourself up to anyone else's opinion, the perhaps you'd see some value in objectivity, Red. Quite obviously, this isn't the easiest approach, but neither is raising two kids out of a women's shelter. I've seen the results, and they're not pretty.
Of course if the guy resumes his monsterous behavior, then there's really no choice.
But she said that his abusive episodes happen every six months or so, which means that they don't happen all the time. These periods in between are called the 'honeymoon episodes'. Eventually, the time between them shortens. During each 'honeymoon', the man appears (and is) sorry for what has gone before and appears to be making progress. Then there's another episode, which is why, no doubt, she says that she thought he was improving before and found out she was wrong. This is classic of the abuse syndrome. Like it or not, these things follow a known pattern.
She could wait for one more episode to confirm that he's a problem, and pray that nobody will get badly harmed (not a risk I'd take) but there's no reason not to have a safety plan in place in case she needs it, inform herself, and be ready no matter what she decides to do in the interim.
Last edited by moimeme; 21st March 2004 at 3:32 PM..
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Posts: 1,367
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I repeat. Abuse trumps the rest. My abuser had good points, too. That didn't stop him from trying to harm me.
I'm right here if you need another statistic, Samson.
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She could wait for one more episode to confirm that he's a problem, and pray that nobody will get badly harmed (not a risk I'd take)
Me neither.
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.... but there's no reason not to have a safety plan in place in case she needs it, inform herself, and be ready no matter what she decides to do in the interim.
Absolutely.
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Originally posted by Dave1234, joy of joys and greatest LoveShack love toy.
I, Dave, hath chosen to also photo with long lense which protrudes from my camera of life force and shows falic symbol erected in direction of assembled love mass. .... but telephoto lense being hard and erect will attract many horny love-sturved babes to my shift before deadline and I will go into press room behind ink barrel to press lense into soft, velvet case and make love froever more. .....
Originally posted by Samson
The expert generalist speaks: There is a forest, but I cannot see any trees.
Get off your high-horse Moimeme. The condescending attitude isn't attractive. Afterward you might try to read the post written by an individual, not a statistic.
I admit I say in my marriage for my kid...and my wife pretty much knows it.
I haven't come out and said it but my wife has brought it up during arguements and I didn't deny it.
If my child was never born I would not be with my wife today.
It is highly possible that once our child is an adult we will split up...or we will be to old to care and just live in 2 seperate corners of the house.
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