[supermom]

I found out about 3 weeks ago that my husband made out with my sister's friend while I was preg (kid is 16 mos now). We've talked and talked and talked and we know that is was a one time thing, out of anger, no emotions, etc....I know details, everything and we are not breaking up.

Before finding out, we had seemingly to me the "perfect marriage" , never fought (well maybe an arguement once a month), we take good care of our child, love each other, friends for 10 years, etc. I looked up to him, admired him, and we had a real mutual respect for each other.

Since the incident came out, I feel no admiration, not much respect, annoyance, but still love. My husband says he feels the opposite, more closer even. Now the weird part is our home life is still pretty much the same, but inside me I have a lot of anger. He's willing to talk to me as much as I need, but what do you say after you've said everything?

My real question is, If my homelife hasn't changed too much, but inside I'm like wanting to scream and run, but still love him, not wanting to leave, then what does that mean?

I guess I feel guilty for being nice to him. I feel he doesn't deserve it.

HELP!

[quankanne]

I think it's so easy to love someone so much, yet still want to choke the stuffing out of them when they drive us nuts or do something that angers us ... at least, this is what I've discovered after years of marriage.

best suggestion? seriously consider counseling. Possibly joint counseling, and definitely individual counseling. The tools you'll learn there will help you through those episodes when you just want to pinch his head off, but can't. And having an impartial third party listen to your concerns and rants helps to put things in another perspective.

I think it's perfectly natural for you to feel anger towards him for his actions, and for him to feel that you've completely forgiven him because you chose not to walk away. Counselling can help by being your release valve, of sorts.

[supermom]

Thanks!

I told him yesterday I was thinking about going to counceling. He said he is more than willing if I feel like we need it. I keep wanting to fix it myself but it is sounding more and more like we need it.

It's funny, we're not really even arguing about this, which sometimes makes me mad too. Isn't that weird?

I don't like drama, so why am I creating it in my head?

If he does do it again though I'm leaving for sure. I don't deserve that.

thanks for responding

[quankanne]

It's funny, we're not really even arguing about this, which sometimes makes me mad too. Isn't that weird?

not really -- I drive my husband nuts because I want to "talk everything to death"!!! but I think that's just one of the differences between men and women: we like to hash over it until it's completely and fully processed and picked over, and we understand it fully, whereas a man only wants to hear something once, twice at the most. Chalk it up to different communciation styles.

good luck with the counselling; if your husband is open to retreat-style counselling, look into Marriage Builders or Marriage Encounter. Both are eye-openers when it comes to relationships ... and both offer good tools to work with.