[locogurl]

I am really down tonight.

I decided that I needed to follow the advice from my last post and so I started working at my life... weight loss... attitude... forgiving my DH for his past infidelities... I was feeling pretty ok, even liking him more.

Then today I discovered he's been joining dating & singles chat websites. Who knows what else. He has this whole secret life on the internet I have no idea of. I knew he was spending alot of time on porn, and I tried to accept it, even though it meant he did less of his job and things were neglected. Years of neglect.

I don't have the heart to really look into it. Just stumbled on it and feel sick.

I thought things were going so well. I really fell for all of the sweet talk and presents.

I can't do this anymore and I have to just be kind to myself. He's telling me he loves me and then is looking for other women while he's supposed to be working... hence all of those things fall on my shoulders. Then he goes around bragging about what a great business HE owns...

So...

I think I'm going to just keep the peace till our last child graduates from school this spring. Unless he actually gets us a counselor to work on our issues, which I have asked for several time in the last month, then I'm through I'm going to pack up his crap & sending him off to be in his secret world with out me to decieve.

I just don't know how to handle it when he wants to be affectionate and sexual. I don't want to let on that I know what he's up to until I have my financial ducks in a row. I don't plan on cheating him, I just don't want a war until things are more stable for me and my child.

Yet it makes me ill to have him touching me. He loads up on other girls and then wants me to be his sex toy. I feel devalued and unfair to myself to let him. He'll harasses me until he gets what he wants.

I also wonder how I should work at separating our lives and how to be fair and gentle and yet firm I'm out of the relationship.

Any thoughts?

[Arabess]

If you mean business....and I think you have every right to.....the main thing you want to 'see to' is your finances. Get the car in good shape....pay down your personal credit cards....put some 'nest egg' money away. The other thing for you to do is keep a daily journal.....HIDDEN away...even if you use some weird internet email. Keep a log of what you've been thru and what is going on.

THEN...when you bite his cheating a$$.......you can bite out a huge chunk!

It's not all about finances. Money doesn't heal your heart! But you know what? You gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and your last child living at home.

I'm sorry Loco....I know you have tried so hard to make this marriage work. My heart hurts with you....my friend.

[moimeme]

Please, please don't lay the blame on yourself. You haven't failed. He has failed you. Keep that in mind as you follow Arabess' counsel. I'm very sorry.

[locogurl]

I was thinking that it was weird that he crossed over from just looking at porn to looking for girls to chat with. I think the more I take care of myself the more insecure he'll become. The more he'll use the internet to deal with it.

I have only lost 6 lbs so far. I'm not going to give up until I'm my healthiest.

I guess if he's that insecure then I guess I'm better off without him.

The nice thing about this new development is that he'll probably find someone to leave me over and I might not have to be the bad guy and throw him out. I have time to get my head together and plan out a future without him, so if he tells me about his new girlfriends and doesn't just sneak off, I'll be better prepared emotionally.

Thank goodness I've already separated out fiances and business. He gets nothing, but he also has no bills and is leaving me with a huge bankruptcy to pay off.

I won't be so cruel as to send him off totally broke. I plan on giving him supplies, equipment and seed money to open his own tattoo business, hopefully someplace far away. He's also putting a band together, so he might even just get out of my biz altogether anyhow.

I'm alot less sad today and starting to see the this as a good thing in the long run.

Thanks for the support and advice.

[Arabess]

You are too kind Loco.....I'd give him precisely NOTHING!!!!

[locogurl]

OK... I've calmed down a bit. He has offered to get counseling with me. If he follows through and we learn to talk to each other and can clear up past problems, which he wants me to to just ignore as if you can ignore an elephant in the living room... then I might just stay, but otherwise he can live with the elephant on his own.

[moimeme]

Wow. That's good news. Have you read the MarriageBuilders stuff?

[locogurl]

Not yet