I'm going to be quite honest, I don't know anyone here and I just want to know an honest opinion.
For as long as I could remember, I've always been interested in girls. It's cute to see that 5 yr old boy who is chasing girls, though even before puberty my intentions were sometimes, impure. I wasn't a total weird boy, I was the kind of boy that stole his mother's victorias secrets...or got really interested in the women on the covers of adult movies.
I've always been chasing after girls, physically and emotionally. But with my luck and charm, Peppy Lepew had a better chance than I. I was what most people refered to as the school Dork. I could go on and on how I was lonely but I'll spare that crap. Once or twice around the age of 14 I considered a guy, I never really thought about it much nor was I really interested in the guy... it was more of a "I need to feel special" thing young kids are so famous for, there was one time I was wanting to experiment with this one guy to see what if would be like, but who really does not go through that? Especially if you have a ton of girl troubles. Other than those couple of times I always chased girls (which I did creep them out, I apologize but understand I only intended the best of intentions), I've continued this habit today, and will tomorrow. I was quite secure with my sexuality, I loved the macho aspect of men- I liked the idea of hanging with the guys, being close to other males in a kinship type setting but I never EVER wanted one. I was the kind of guy, that would have no problem being around a ton of men in a locker room and not care. I've always flaunted this aspect of myself that I was so secure, I knew I loved women all the time. At one point I could even say if it was to please a girl I'd kiss or do stuff to a guy (not the full mile though), even though I had no interest in guys (and the girls I liked had this whole guy guy thing and I was the kind of guy that literally would do anything for a woman). Overall, it was girls girls girls.
There was this one girl, who I was so strongly attracted to, mostly sexually and she had a bisexual boyfriend. She was going on and on to me about how she loves how her boyfriend and his tendancies. Now I really wanted to impress this girl, I mean even today I doubt I'd pass up a chance to make crazy love to her. I wanted to let her know I was wild and kinky like she was, so I started making up crap about me having bisexual tendancies (I was young and stupid). Well I have this habit of believing every word I say, like if I told myself I think eating meat is wrong then I'd freak out and think I'm a vegitarian (it happened before but I love meat too much). Well out of nowhere I thought, what if I was a latent homosexual who thinks he likes women but is in denial. This scared me, now don't get me wrong. I like gay people as friends, nor do I have a problem with homosexual relationships (well, there was the slight jealousy of lesbians becuase they were women I could never have) but it scared me becuase I would never want my future wife to go through the heartache like those women who find out their husbands were gay.
I needed answers, I started to make myself look at gay porn, I started making myself think gay fantasies, I started becoming self conscious around men (like "Do I think he's hot?" "Am I attracted to him?") and ones that I knew were attractive (cmon everyone knows what a pretty boy looks like). Well during all that while I still had crushes on girls, I still continued to follow girls around. I still wasn't developing crushes for guys, nore was I wanting to "bone" one either, and the male physique did not turn me on. Making myself to do those things in the first place, It was quite obvious what I was interested in, but it was not good enough for me. I needed more proof (the plot thickens), I started to become the exact opposite of secure. At one point, I was just going to say I was bisexual - though it would be wrong becuase I still had no interest into do anything with guys. My friends, even gay males that I told the story to told me "Dude, you aren't gay so stop worrying about it", my mom and dad just looked at me and said "Dude, we know you, you don't swing that way" (I'm close to my parents and they are heavily supportive).
It wasn't enough, I needed more proof (I have this tendancy to be a bit obsessive over issues) so I started making myself Masturbate to guys, (why? becuase I like pressing my luck) and flirting and being all over guys. Well I'm going to be honest with you all, if you masturbate to something new and unusual to you getting an intense orgasm is likely isn't it? (Duh) So that immediately freaked me out, (becuase I never learned that if you play with fire you get burnt...my friends told me **** like that happens and it doesn't mean anything). As for the flirting and being all over guys thing- no chemistry. I still liked women, looked at women, wanted women, and well...I still was not recalling any crushes on guys or anything of the sort. Sometimes I got really turned on though by the fantasies that I made myself (yes, made myself becuase of self doubt) think, though it was a different feeling than I have with girls...sometiems I wanted to vomit or ****, all I know it was intense. With fantasies of girls that turned me on, well... you know
. Getting turned on by women was still oh so common. It got to the point where I had trouble hanging around girls becuase I was resisting the urge to try to seduce them or just flat out leap on them. Sometimes I find myself in places where is older women (I love women that are older than me...I always wanted to be a boy toy) and hope that one would take me home and...heh. Though as much as I wanted women and as much as I chase them, I still make it a point not to use them for sex, I have a high regard for women. As for guys, I hung out with them as usual, sometimes I'd be nervous and be all like (I'm alone with him, do I feel any tension...) but when I'm not thinking about such insecurities for me, I'm just hanging out with my boys and I'm not drawn to any of them in any sort of way. (well I'm not when I'm nervous either, but it's harder to tell when you are constantly worrying about it).
I'm 18 years old now, about to be 19. I'm pretty sure I'm straight when I compare my desire for women as opposed to men. They are nowhere close to eachother. I will admit sometimes the thought of engaging in homoerotic activity sometimes is a turn on for me, sometimes with a guy I know, but even then I don't feel attracted to the guys that it would mean to involve. (that and I heard that's somethat that happens to most guys anyways) But then again, I have been turned on by Beastiality fantasies myself and I don't find myself sexually attracted to animals. I still find myself wanting girls, and hoping something will evolve further when I flirt with them... as for guys, I still don't find myself really interested at all, and when I joke around with my guyfriends...there is no connection. This semester was my first semester in college, living with many guys I met this one guy named Speed from Korea, a lot of girls thinks he hot, and at first I was kinda nervous around him becuase I thought he was gay (lets just say he can fool a lot of people sometimes). Well, I told him about all this and we started to act like we were a couple, we even held hands in public, we've even kissed eachother on the cheeks, he initiates this (he's straight too, just really secure). As for my feelings about it, I didn't care. I had no interest in him at all, in fact when we were in public doing the hold hands thing (apparently in Korea it's normal for guys to do that) my thoughts were "I hope no cute girls see this and ruin my chances". As for girls... Lets just say there is too many hot women in college I had trouble trying to stay with one. (Ladies please believe me, I'm not a player or a gigolo I don't believe in cheating and if I find a great girl I like I tend to stick to her like a bad habit).
Sometimes I still doubt myself, and needed a reminder... I mean I don't know I get confused easily. I understand now though when I studied human sexuality that when it comes to such things. We are all so very ambivelent and noone is 100% anything. So labels are just kinda there to satisfy a quick answer. But when I can't talk to my bisexual friends about having romantic crushes on both sexes, nor can I fully appreciate the art of looking at "hot guys" like my gay guy friends can. I think for the most part I am Heterosexual, and I think too much.
Plus if I don't shut up about it soon my friends will be very annoyed, and they sometimes know me better than I do.
Wow. Do guys often go through this phase? Did you want to be gay?
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