[heartbroken]

This is something that I did to someone. He didnt deserve it. I am not proud of it and hurt him more than anything.

I dated a guy for 3 yrs. We broke up in March but have remainded close friends at least until November when he found out that I had lied to him about something very major in my life. I didnt actually lie but rather omitted the truth. He deserved to know it. He also found out that I had been talking to other guys online and one in particular on the phone and letting him tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Some of the talk was also steamy. He now believes that I also cheated on him. I was never physically with these guys and they never meant anything to me. In truth I was trying to hurt them like I had been hurt in the past. In any case he truly believes I not only lied but cheated on him. Now he wont talk to me and has pretty much broken ties with me. He hasnt however told me he never wants to talk to me again. What he does say is that he doesnt want me as a friend because he cant trust me anymore.

My question is this. How do I prove to him that I am not cheating and that I am soooooo sorry I hurt him? How do I get him to move past it?

[dyermaker]

Well, you did cheat. Cheating isn't about sexual contact, it's about trust bonds being broken in a relationship. Fatal cheating is when all bonds are broken, and no trust exists in the relationship. You did enough to break these bonds, and now he's ended the relationship.

What does he say when you try to talk to him about it? It's imperative that you drop the fight to convince him you didn't cheat, it's just semantics.

[wideawake]

dyermaker,

That may very well be the best definition of 'cheating' I've ever read.

Thanks,

WA

[steveb]

15, eh?

[CostumeSmile]

friends at least until November when he found out that I had lied to him about something very major in my life.

He also found out that I had been talking to other guys online and one in particular on the phone and letting him tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Some of the talk was also steamy

There are two issues here, the lies and the cheating! You lied to him about something major, even without the cheating that alone is enough to make him not trust you and question your motives!

Then the cheating, yes cheating! Yeah it was online but it was obviously leading to more and with time who knows what would have happened had he not caught you. I would be disgusted if I found out that my boyfriend was talking dirty on the phone w/ some other girl and never mind him leading her on by letting her tell him "she loves him".

He has every right to be upset and not want to have you as friend right now, I mean think about it!

With friends like that who needs enemies!

My suggestion to you is if you ever want to be a part of his life again...stop trying to justify your actions by trying to convince him it was cheating, it was! He could never forgive you if he sees that you don't even see anything wrong with what you did. The most you can do now is apologize and let him know that he is in the right to be upset and step back and respect his feelings.....hopefully one day he can forgive you and at the least give you a chance at friendship.

Also about the "wanting to hurt them like you've been hurt" comment, this will always only hurt yourself.

[heartbroken]

Originally posted by dyermaker
Well, you did cheat. Cheating isn't about sexual contact, it's about trust bonds being broken in a relationship. Fatal cheating is when all bonds are broken, and no trust exists in the relationship. You did enough to break these bonds, and now he's ended the relationship.

What does he say when you try to talk to him about it? It's imperative that you drop the fight to convince him you didn't cheat, it's just semantics.

I guess I wasnt clear in my post. I have never once told him that I didnt cheat nor that he didnt have the right to never talk to me again. I wouldnt blame him at all if he never did talk to me. The thing is he is my best friend and I miss him so much. I know I was wrong and have cut all communication with the other men. Hes the only one who ever meant anything to me and I am so sure of that. What he says when I try to talk to him about it is that what I did was unforgivable and that its hard for him to make nice to me when he believes I am still lying to him. But how do I prove that I am not if he wont give me the chance? I guess thats what I meant by how do I prove I am not cheating?

[jmargel]

I'd have to say dyer for your age you sure show alot of maturity.

Heartbroken, i'm not here to put you down or make you feel any worse than you are. If he needs 'physical' proof that you didn't cheat my best suggestion would be to email him the email addresses of the guys you conversed with. Tell him that he's free to email or talk to them about the things said.

It sounds like you miss him more than just as a friend. In my opinion what you need to do is just talk to him, tell him that you are sorry and then ask him what can you do to make things better. If he says nothing, then accept that & move on. Over time he might then come around after he realizes he could be jumping to conclusions.

In those chat rooms, I find alot of people who are married, taken, etc.. flirt with others. I guess its upto each couple on how far to take it. I know for instance my girlfriend would be totally against me flirting with another chick online, but yet she doesnt mind having a 3 some with us and another woman.

Anyway, hope this helps some. Trust is earned, which make take some time.

[dyermaker]

You have no burden of proof, he's already moved on. It's very hard to continue a relationship after one person has cheated, and in order for it to work, BOTH people have to be willing to move on together. Even then, it's never the same. This is not the case here, he can't trust you.

I have no strategy for "getting" him to trust you again, it's not that easy.