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Hi friends,
My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, and things arent working between us for the past... 6-7months or so. Ws a love marraige, with some problems, but then we were in love and we sorted it out.. but then, thjings changed, he soon became a little distant with me, .Lately this distance has reached to the point, of inconsideration and insensitivity, he wouldnt even call up to ask me if im fine, whn i am very sick and unwell in bed too. He has become extremely anger, ( breaking things down in the house! if at all we have a minor disagreement on something trivial too!) There have been times, i must say, whn ive literally begged for him to stay bak , n work things out wit me .. i feel i have become thin air in his life almost, But if i wish to talk abt whts troubling him, all he says is he has enuf stress atwork place, and expects peace n quiet at home.. Well, I am going out of my way literaly to make things fun and relaxing for him, those times, they go unseen and unnoticed.. however , say if im not well, or have a problem wit somethign, he would term me as a inconsiderate selfish woman who only know to complain and make things worse !!! god! who am i supposed to talk out my worries and problems with then!!
He is nice and cheerful with everyone but me, its becoming more and more obvious now, he has a wanderin eye too, which seems to have become more prominent now, almsot like he wants me know that , nothing abt me excites him anymore.... its painful to be with someone who isnt listening to what u have to say, buit is more interested in the chick crossing the road with the red mini skirt on.
I have just left my job, in search of more opportunities, so that has added up to his irritation, says i made bad move, im good for nothing an should concentrate on gettin a new job asap.... always puttin me down bcoz rite now im not working ! but what surprises me is , this isnt exactly what he married me for !!
he didnt marry me for my great job, but for what i was as a person, something that didnt seem to matter anymore !
I love him a lot, and it hurts me to see that he has got only resentment and frustration towards me now. I am goin throujgh a depressing phase, and i duno whn ill get out of this... he is fine wit the others , has a lot of girl friends , etc but with me, he is a man with a dead woman by his side! It pains me, cause i think i am sure i have tried everything , right from tryin to talking him into joinin me for marraige couselling to, falling at his feet to work out things and love me.. i feel im losing my self-respect and dignity .. i feel like a worthless thing, who has no hope, but i know i cant afford to lose him .. How do i make him "see" me first , and much later learn to care for me ???
Last edited by ca; 17th December 2003 at 12:32 AM..
So sorry to hear your circumstance. It does not sound very healthy at all for you. You two have not been married that long either. I have to say to you lets turn the tables; Lets say you come home and everything is done for you, after a hard days work. Dinner is ready, and it looks like a maid has prepared everything perfect for you. (this would be your husband)were pretending here now don't forget... well this goes on and on he is always catering to your needs and sometimes annoys you cause he's telling you constantly how much he loves you and bombarding you with everything. This would get old after a while and you would feel somewhat unequal in your giving to him possiby, even challenged to meet his love and pampering. This can drive a person away, too much of a good thing. Now don't get me wrong. You sound like a wonderful wife, it could be he is just taking you for granted and does not appreciate what you do. He expects it even worse.
Or maybe its a little of both. His anger and breaking things, I don't know about that one. But i know it's not good. I would recommend you go to some other sites and read up on how to make a marriage work. I know one site I have learned so much from heres the addy: www.marriagebuilders.com/ Dr. Harley gives some good advice or reasons as to why things happen in a marriage, how to make things work out. There are links there too with good info.
I think if you held back a little and maybe didn't cater to him he may start appreciating what you do for him more. If its an abusive situation, physical or mental definately gets some counseling for the both of you. I don't know if any of this helps but at least its a start. Don't let him push you around and be his "punching bag" so to speak. I hope he does'nt hit you. If he does get out of it. I wish you luck.
Yeah mixedup1, now thats one point even i thought might be a reason for all this discomfort and problems.. being taken for granted,
U know, ive spent days and days thinking, how can a man not reciprocate to kindness and love showered upon him, even if its not needed.. then ur statement about how thye might be feeling suffocated with all that, whn they themselves might not be able to live up to it, or dont seem to feel the need for all that struck me !
He is not a very "romantic" guy , i have seen... ( but that doesnt mean he wudnt flirt with the average looking girls aroun the place too!) I am different, ill go all the way and cant rest if something isnt working.. So, somewhere in my going all the way and chasing the situation and his refraining away from it as far as possible, theres a BIG wall..
I earnestly hope he can at least start treating me like a friend first, and much later i suppose i shall expect some husband-like attention .
As of now, he is just going around breaking the expensive stuff, hasnt hurt me physically , thank godnes for that... But what does one do, if she feels , her husband might be plainly losing interest in her?? im worried, cause he would keep sayhing "leave me and get lost " even for simple plain arguments.
Dont couple shave their share of disagreements? and arguments? How can i be miss. NICE all the time ???
And well, if im low-key and nottalking, he thinks its "potential storm " situation, and runs away...
So like a no-go situation....
Whenever my husband would get mad and break something, I would get pretty mad. Then, I'd go to the store (immediately) and buy a replacement ~I'd buy the most expensive one I could find too~
That didn't help anything, though....he still broke things. It just made me feel better to replace the thing he broke.
I don't know what to tell you. My husband got into that place where he couldn't stand me either. I'd cried so much that he was immune to it. Finally, I decided that I'm just going to be miserable for the rest of my life, but I don't have to live my life in turmoil.
I became forgiving. If he said something mean to me, I didn't let it phase me...I still told him I loved him five minutes later. Eventually he calmed down, and stopped being so hostile toward me.
Maybe we do nag sometimes. Men act angry when nothing's really wrong. Then, we take it personally. Then, we get upset. Then, we try to talk to them, and figure out why they're mad at us. They were never mad at us in the first place....they were just being a jerk. So when we try to figure out what's wrong with them by talking to them, they get mad because we are interrogating them and nagging them into telling us what's wrong, when nothing is or was...they were just a jerk. So then they throw a fit to get you to leave them alone.
The end.
If men would act like the SHOULD and not take their agrivations out on us, then we would act like we SHOULD and be loving and supportive.
Since they don't do what they SHOULD and act like jerks, then we react the only way we know how, and try to get to the source of the problem and fix it. Men do not ever see that they are wrong...husbands especially. My husband can say something mean and hateful, and when he relates what he said back to me later, he relates it calm and cool, and almost nice. I'm like, "If you'd said it like that, I wouldn't have gotten MAD!!!!"
I've been trying to ignore how he says it, and focus more on what he says. Then, I walk away and cry, or calm down, and come back to him loving and supportive. It's been working wonders.
I didn't even realize that I nagged him, until I really started thinking about it from his point of view. He doesn't realize the way he's hurting me, and if I try to tell him, he just thinks I'm being too sensitive...and a nag. So since he refuses to see his flaws, I have decided to work around him. Instead of trying to change him into being more sensitive for me, I've changed myself (which I've found to be much easier).
Sometimes I revert back to taking everything he does and says personally, but when I think about it, that's illogical....the world doesn't revolve around me.
Hope something in this post encourages you. Keep up the hope! Good luck!
I have been doing that since a month or so from then, and YESS.... it at least puts an end to the breaking things part ! ( have bought 1 lamp, 3 vaporiseurs, and 1 BUCKET!! so far) . Yes, im generally the only one to say ' sorry, i love u, forget the whole episode, lets have fun!" and at least, today , im gonna stop tryin to think - ' well, why is it that its always ME who has to say it ?' This approach has at least brought some peace of mind to me, my mind doesnt feel tortured and guilty like it used to anymore, at least not as bad as it was...
But here there is one small point, which , i am sad to say - backfires on me ! Like just right now, 15 mins bak , he has gone to office, without saying a word to me ! i call up just to say have a gud day, i love u, and he starts off as usual, that im out to increase his phone bills!! now THAT hurts, everytime i try to make up , ( mostly over the phone, coz he loves to leave the house , after arguments generally) he thnks im being plain 'over-sensitive' as u said, and not worried abt the phone bills!!
Thats when i wonder how can i handle this situation, coz at least irght now, i dont think i can calmly wait for the day to pass, without letting it out, at least let him know, I am not fuming or frustrated...
thats a problem, a denial from his side , no matter what it is .... even if its a make-peace phone call from me !
Guess, i need to 'let -go' more.. maybe this is seen as ' selfish nagging' by men. Cant help that can we ??
But as u said, when we try to guard our own emotions, and just nudge away the whole issue and try to be more calm , it at least brings some peace within us, and at the end of the day, whn our husbands come bak, its gud for them ! ( whatever happend that morning is mysteriously out of their minds!)
My husband has got a problem with time management ........ and lies....
What do you do when your husband is inherently bad at time management and worse , LIES to you about it !
See , this is the problem... My husband is always LATE for everything, and considering he is a workoholic, that makes things worse, because then, this leaves little or NO time for home and marraige.
Ever since our first date he has being late ( an hour at least! ) , and since then a year and a half has passed, he has made strong promises about working on his time management weakness, but nothing has changed.
He is always late .... he LIES about coming home on time, and doesnt even feel guilty about not making it on time, even if its a serious commitment, or a visit to a doctor !! He is just not able to relate to what happens to all the people who are waiting for him, for endless hours..... and well... theres nothing called a sorry even..
This has started to bug me, coz i have tried eveyrthing... practically Everyway to make him understand his problem, and he LOVES to dis-acknowledge it .. and at the end im a nag ! sigh... no improvement..... again home late - 1 - 2 am in the morning !!!!
I think an excuse like - I was caught up wit work, is gettin a little too redundant, afterall, if U yourself have promised to come home at 6 , WHY WHY do u turn up at 10 ( always !) and not feel a thing about it !!
This is seriously affecting our relationship, i feel totally taken granted for, and neglected.. he has time ONLY for his work , and reading .. and well... the lies... they still go on......
You are describing symptoms of AD/HD. In fact, chronic lateness/inability to manage time is one of the BIG markers for AD/HD. What happens with people who have AD/HD is not that they can't pay attention, but rather that, when they get involved in something, they can't pull their attention away. ADD men's spouses ALL complain about them never coming home on time, arriving on time, etc. etc.
Go to this site and go through the tests for AD/HD and see if he has more of the symptoms.
4% of adults have AD/HD to some degree; to date the vast majority are undiagnosed. If he has AD/HD, he is not going to be able to fix this easily. This is a functional deficit of a section of the brain that governs time sense among other things. There are multi-alarm watches and other sorts of helpers that folks with AD/HD use to help keep them on task.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Last edited by moimeme; 18th December 2003 at 11:46 AM..
After my son was diagnosed with ADD, I did alot of reasearch, and everything that I read sounded familiar to me.
I am 100 percent sure that I have Adult ADD.
Luckily, I ended up in a job where ADD is not a big problem. (at work)
I liked where you said whatever happened that morning is mysteriously out of their minds.
THAT IS SO TRUE. My husband will be a big crappy butthole, and five minutes later wants to be lovey dovey! I feel like saying, "What happened between five minutes ago and now?!?" I've been learning to just let five minutes ago go. Life's to short to spend it mad.
By the way...if a man snaps at you and hurts your feelings, then comes back five minutes later acting like nothing happened, in his mind, probably, nothing did happen. Maybe he didn't realize how he said what he said. Maybe his attitude had nothing to do with us. Maybe we DON'T really need to be upset at him, because he had no ill intention. I know that he shouldn't treat you that way, but what should be and what is are sometimes different things.
My husband flares up and gets mad, and calms down just as fast. I try to realize that he's frusterated at something besides me.
Example 1: He was playing his Playstation, and he was losing, because the game was "cheating". The dog did something cute and I laughed and looked at my husband, and he snapped, "Don't look at me!"
I got upset. He shouldn't have been rude to me. He wasn't mad at me, he was agrivated at the game! I could've held that against him and started a huge fight (which I did) or I could've let it slide (which I wish I had done).
Example 2: Our pizza pan is burned black, so we put aluminum foil on it before putting a pizza on it. He was in the shower, and I stuck a pizza in the oven for him. When he got out and tried to get a slice, the aluminum foil was soooo stuck to the pizza. He stayed in control for a little while, but finally got really frusterated, and dumped the pizza on the counter and peeled the aluminum foil off, looked at me, and said, "DON'T PUT PIZZA ON ALUMINUM FOIL ANY MORE!!!"
I could've taken that personally, but to think about it, he puts pizza on aluminum foil all the time too. So he COULDN'T just be addressing how stupid I was for putting it on aluminum foil. He was actually just telling me that we shouldn't put pizza on aluminum foil. He was mad at the time, and it came out mean.
Given I had every right to get mad at him, I decided to stay calm and listen to what he said (we won't put pizza on aluminum foil any more because it sticks) instead of how he said it(MEAN). I chose not to start a fight with him over his attitude. I know he said it that way because the aluminum foil being stuck to the pizza agrivated him. It would've agrivated me too.
I'm learning to pick my battles. Maybe to your husband (who doesn't realize how mean his attitude towards you is) you are an oversensitive nag. I don't get why he would be a jerk about you calling to tell him you love him, unless the two of you have had a prior discussion about the phone bills being expensive. Maybe his boss had just been a jerk to him, and you called right after that. He would be mad and upset already, and there you were to take it out on.
If I were you, I would take the time that he's at work to forget about him. Don't call him, and don't think about the fight you just had. Just watch TV, clean house, and relax.
P.S. My husband was nicer to me when I got a job. I think men subconciously think that we are only with them for their money if we "mooch" off of them. Just a thought.
My husband flares up and gets mad, and calms down just as fast. I try to realize that he's frusterated at something besides me.
This is extremely good advice. My husband tended to get angry over little things. He didn't ever throw things or break things or speak abusively to me, but he'd be ticked and then he'd blame something I'd done. Finally, one day, he spilled coffee - which could in no way be blamed on me - and immediately got angry. I finally realized that he was just angry and looking for something or someone to blame - and I happened to be around. Once you figure this out, then you don't take it personally.
April, I am SO impressed with all this! You have really done some great work in a very short time. Keep this up and you'll have to start giving courses
Excellent advise!! See, thats what im working on, for now, and it at least seems to working a little. Initially i just couldnt cool down, kept feeling its all about HIS wish, he comes to me when he feels like it, and wouldnt when he is pissed off with me, which i thought was perfectly selfish attitude.
Now, as times have passed, like u said April, when we just let go, and let things fall in place with time, they slowly change and come back that too, without a grouchy mood.
Need to work on gettin him to be more sensitive!
As for the phone bills, i know its pretty high most times, because he is a bizz mgr n always making isds and stds galore, and has to submit a list of ph nos called ( he does hav a jerk for a boss ! ).
Not that i am constantly making calls and trying to remind him of myself, but i think at times, he seems quite disinterested in makin conversations at home too! I think, if i follow the principle of keeping cool and unhassled , just as him, it might at least make him realise, its not a big deal talking to ur wife once a while ( irrespective of your moods!)
IS there something about anger management that really works ?? I wonder, i would love to spend more time in getting him to cool down and take it easy rather than spend more money on replacing broken things!!
THAT IS SO TRUE. My husband will be a big crappy butthole, and five minutes later wants to be lovey dovey! I feel like saying, "What happened between five minutes ago and now?!?" I've been learning to just let five minutes ago go. Life's to short to spend it mad.
Same here, only replace "husband" with "father", and "Life's to short to spend it mad" with "995 days, 7 hours, 29 minutes, and 23 seconds."
I saw the site u suggested , and well, the results turned out just as i expected them to. He seems to have something called combined ADD . All that talk about hysteria, uncontrollable anger, quick distractions, and absolutely no sense of time.... seems like theres hope somewhere.
However, theres a bigger problem than this, his Ego..
He will never ever admit that "we" have a problem and ask or even consider help. I dont understand which possible way or which person on earth could talk him into at least accepting the fact that he has a problem , because , i beleive acceptance is the first step towards recovery or change or any kind!!
Any talk on this, however +ve it may sound to be, just creates more sparks of discomfort and eventually a tantrum and there!! im again termed as a nag.. I am slowly beginnign to lose faith there.
I really dont want to be the only one to keep saying this at times, but then, whom to approach !!?
He just wouldnt discuss his problems or anythign like that, even with his closest of friends. As they say, he prefers to go into his escape-cave and if u even dare to step into that place, you are DONE for !!
I am very well aware that he has a complex of some sort, but i cant figure out how to make him accept that on the first place! He can be the funniest and most social guy on earth when he wants to be with friends ( if they are female even better!!) . But the moment i cease to be Ms. FunnyGal and even try to talk about something other than light hearted friendly talk, he is mentally gone !!
I just dont understand ! perhaps its because i quit my job , (what to do if i carry the feeliong that he somehow looks down upon me , because im not working and independent at the moment !!)
That isnt true love or is it ? Because, he is always harping about independency, the cosmopolitan confident woman, etc etc... a little more than normal these days. ( I must mention he was very impressed with my job and post when we had first met, kinda was the first attraction perhaps!!)
Im confused , i love him, but he isnt showing me any signs of the same...
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Unloving husband..
Don't take this as advice, but.....
~I'd buy the most expensive one I could find too~
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