Surfer Girl Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Off and On for 8 years... the final straw when he became distant... I confronted him and he needed a break for a few weeks him hoping to rekindle the love... that was in February... We e-mailed back and forth a few times.... It was only when I felt he did not want to reconcile I felt it was time to say goodbye... I let him know... the most loving thing I could do was let him go even if I did not want to we did not have the capacity to a committed relationship that it deserved.... NC for 5 months... He called me the same day I saw another woman driving his car... I did not answer, he called me two days later... I did not answer.... 2 days later the day before his birthday I left a voicemail... "Do not know your circumstances... hope you have a good birthday and a great year.".. He text me... Thank you for the kind wishes... hope you are well....NC once again by me... The fact he called enforced the hope.... One month later at the 6 month mark I see him with a different woman at a charity Event... By fate... I had cut my hair he had know idea it was me with my back to him.. I heard a friend I knew in the background and turned around I was face to face with the ex.... I said his name he said my name very coldly... and I turned away to hug my friend..... It was at that point I felt like I had made a huge mistake... I still loved him... I did not hang out much longer.... I called him the next day to ask if we could meet up I needed to talk to him... no reply... So I emailed letting him know I had made a mistake and still wanted him in my life...I recieved an e-mail back... "It is very difficult to see you... it hurts to much... I need space... I am sorry... I e-mailed back "Thank you... I found the closure I needed.'... I will never contact him again I was devistated as I had hopes we would reconcile. Even after all this time it is like starting over again... 4 days of pure H@ll... I have come to terms now with acceptance... but it still painfully hurts it has been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him.... the fact that he still hurts tells me he is not indifferent.... I can not date yet... not ready... I will just say this.. If you have hope I was so much better then... it helped me move on knowing we might get back together... and when you finally accept it is over is when the pain really begins.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Anybody else have stories where they had hope and realized it was over? Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Off and On for 8 years... the final straw when he became distant... I confronted him and he needed a break for a few weeks him hoping to rekindle the love... that was in February... We e-mailed back and forth a few times.... It was only when I felt he did not want to reconcile I felt it was time to say goodbye... I let him know... the most loving thing I could do was let him go even if I did not want to we did not have the capacity to a committed relationship that it deserved.... NC for 5 months... He called me the same day I saw another woman driving his car... I did not answer, he called me two days later... I did not answer.... 2 days later the day before his birthday I left a voicemail... "Do not know your circumstances... hope you have a good birthday and a great year.".. He text me... Thank you for the kind wishes... hope you are well....NC once again by me... The fact he called enforced the hope.... One month later at the 6 month mark I see him with a different woman at a charity Event... By fate... I had cut my hair he had know idea it was me with my back to him.. I heard a friend I knew in the background and turned around I was face to face with the ex.... I said his name he said my name very coldly... and I turned away to hug my friend..... It was at that point I felt like I had made a huge mistake... I still loved him... I did not hang out much longer.... I called him the next day to ask if we could meet up I needed to talk to him... no reply... So I emailed letting him know I had made a mistake and still wanted him in my life...I recieved an e-mail back... "It is very difficult to see you... it hurts to much... I need space... I am sorry... I e-mailed back "Thank you... I found the closure I needed.'... I will never contact him again I was devistated as I had hopes we would reconcile. Even after all this time it is like starting over again... 4 days of pure H@ll... I have come to terms now with acceptance... but it still painfully hurts it has been almost 2 weeks since I have seen him.... the fact that he still hurts tells me he is not indifferent.... I can not date yet... not ready... I will just say this.. If you have hope I was so much better then... it helped me move on knowing we might get back together... and when you finally accept it is over is when the pain really begins.... Sorry for your pain. It's a good idea that you don't date right away, you need time to heal. It does drag out the pain after the initial breakup by seeing the person several times. By far the best thing to do is No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you Mike... I am giving myself a year to even consider dating again and if I am still not ready...I will continue to give myself more time... I just find it hard to know after 8 years someone could get in a relationship so fast.... I know your story and I know you hurt too... To soon to fast after a long term relationship is a red flag..... A person really has to have grieved the breakup to its full exent and be over the ex completely.... Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Glad to hear your gonna take some time to heal. Wish My ex would of done the same. I too just don't wanna jump into something new when I/ you are feeling the pain. Very good choice on your part and it will pay off for the both of us. Stay busy, catch some waves improve yourself and enjoy your life for awhile instead of being caught up in the drama of a relationship. However it is nice to have someone in your life. Oh now I'm getting depressed again. ha Link to post Share on other sites
wavejumper Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 i understand what it feels like being back at day 1. i've been separated from my spouse of one year- on and off NC. he left the country for 3 months and came back telling me how much he missed me, how he thinks about me all the time, blah blah. i let myself see him hoping i would finally hear the magic words: "i will do whatever it takes to get you back, i made a mistake, etc", but those words nor actions never came. I only got half hearted attempts by him. he said he wanted to see me only to gauge whether we could even have a chance, which for him meant being friends first, which i refuse to do (no romance from him which i made clear i needed in the way of dating and starting over). during the time we met, at one point, in the span of 5 minutes, he goes from saying he is still filing for divorce, to telling me that he needs total freedom if i want to be with him while defining conditions...(he left the marriage with GIGS) he left the country again two days ago, and i admit, i let my heart open just a crack because i did see some signs of behavioral changes-and tears- and even some empathy... worst of all, i'm now missing him again, UGH! and even made email contact cloaked in business issues but with personal things- something i've not done in the last 9 months since we've been apart. i'm so mad i let this happen! he still 'doesn't know what he wants' but 'will think about everything i said'. we have now filed and i feel so utterly stupid to have been thinking that there was still a chance. i know it's over but realize how it's gonna take a lot longer to get over him. we were together for 14 years, have a very strong bond, but he has come of an age to being the type that "wants his cake" and to use his own words, 'and have another'. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Surfergirl, I am so sorry for your pain. Heartbreak can be one of the worst. I personally grieved at the very beginning of the breakup. Very badly too. I then made a list of things I wanted to do or that would make me better and slowly I began to check them off my list. I was happy and felt confident again... I was totally content with who I am and even being alone. I guess that kind of energy was irresistable because I was being asked out constantly. I never really planned on dating but I gave it a shot and I'm having a great time. Nothing serious, no emotions, just a good time. My point is that although I think about my ex every single day, I have not stopped my life. I am living it as though he is gone forever and if he reappears than great! But either way I am prepared. I highly advise that you take this time for yourself for healing and you know what, be a little selfish, really nurture yourself and make yourself happy. I hope things work out in your favor and happy healing dear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Cali... I too make check lists... I am still to vulnerable to go out... as I know I will compare... and most likely will not live up to the expectaions of my ex... in time... I hope... Thank you... Wave....14 years is a long time... The memories will always be there they just don't disapear... She knows... and you know... You may not have any control now so you may have to let it go... but take comfort in the many happy memories you two once shared Mike... It may be if the problems are not addressed they will not make it... don't be surprised if she contacts you at one point... let it go for now... They have history and that makes it more of a comfort zone... I feel for you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Im not going to lie, when i read 8 years at the start of your post, the first thing that popped in my head was my situation because it seems to never end. My ex recentley has had an expierience like you (somewhat different), she is with someone else and doing the tyical "balls to the wall" relationship with this guy. Through out all of that she has texted me and kept in contact basically saying she misses me thinks of me etc. We would have times where we didnt talk for months, and when it came up again it was like she was begging me to stay around, but was still dating someone else. She recentley saw me due to a work function. It was good for me like you said because even though it hurt, i needed some sort of reality check. Here is a girl that for over a year had been telling me all these things while starting a life with someone else. I saw her, it went good actually, and ended on a very emotional note with her pulling me in for a kiss, crying all of that. BUT she had a very fake confidence about her, she really acted "good" and happy about her situation. Needless to say, i left and wrote her off mentally as much as i could with the pain i felt. For the whole week after she texted me saying she missed me and loved me, i ignored. She kept doing it and i wrote her back basically saying im not going to be part of your life if you have another guy. She messaged back with they broke up basically because her mind was on me. We talked for a week, all was good, "taking it slow", only for me to wake up to an email saying she is going back with him after spending a week saying her heart was never into him. My point of typing all this is this is this could be a route you went, but you did it right. Saying i accept it and moving on is so much easier said then done i know, but you will be best in the long run to really move past it at this point. At least you know you did all you could and it doesnt seem like too much drama. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Surfer girl, This is your thread, about your problems but thanks for your feedback on my issues. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 MovingThru... Once getting into another relationship and breaking up they once again have to grieve... In alot of cases once broken up they turn to the person they were once were with... for comfort, need, companionship... regret... but the sad thing is because they are no longer with that person they seek out their comfort zone... I have seen this time and time again..yet they have not given it enough time to be over this one person...That it is what is so hard... when you think she really wants you... she will think about you.... but may not be over completely with her previous relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Kuite09 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Hey Surfer Girl, I know exactly how you feel it was 7 yrs for me and 5 months since the break up. I was doing way better till exactly 2 weeks ago when I found out he was offically seeing someone else. That just throw me back 100 steps and I feel like him and I just finished breaking up. Yet he told me last week he still cared, loved me, miss me and u know never what happens in the future. Why tell me all this when you are seeing someone else why? I wasnt the perfect girlfriend but I never thought after 7 yrs you can easily just forget and move on. A couple of weeks back he told me he missed me and wanted to see me very soon, I was here thinking he was dating the girl no more when he is but he said the reason why he mentioned it was because thats exactly how he truly feels. He said it may be hard for me to understand but he does care and miss me and I can't tell him how to feel (as he said) I can't sit here and say my ex is a jerk and was not a good man because he is a great loving and caring person hes 36 yrs old and due to his current actions people might say he is a jerk and trying to play me for a fool but thats not in his character. I truly think hes confused or maybe he really does just want to let go of me and move on with his life like he is. Since last Friday i decided to go complete NC after a rampage of calling and texting that i did after I found out he was still with the new girl. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 MovingThru... Once getting into another relationship and breaking up they once again have to grieve... In alot of cases once broken up they turn to the person they were once were with... for comfort, need, companionship... regret... but the sad thing is because they are no longer with that person they seek out their comfort zone... I have seen this time and time again..yet they have not given it enough time to be over this one person...That it is what is so hard... when you think she really wants you... she will think about you.... but may not be over completely with her previous relationship Hey, again this is about you but I like your thoughts. Can you elobrate on this when you get a minute. Are you saying that shes grieving over the loss with me? and she went back to her ex because it's a comfort zone to grieve over me?? Shes the one who dumped me to go back to him,,, I'm confused. 3rd time now back to him. She obviously loves him more than she loved me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 I truelly hope I will find someone in my life that loves me they way I love them... If I don't it will be ok... as they say it is better to have loved once then never loved at all... I thank you all for the responses it has encouraged me to try somewhat to move on...I really really want to get at a better place.... Acceptance of a love lost is hard... You would think after all this time I would be better... Tlme... Time... and more time....I look forward to the day it doesn/t hurt anymore...I know it will come I just wish it was now... Link to post Share on other sites
Kuite09 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Trust me I wish it was now too. Its been 5 months and this is really taking a toll on me. I think of him daily and when I woke up I just wish I was having a bad dream. We were together for 7 yrs not 7 months and how can he just move on so quickly with his life. He states its not as easy as I think or he says that its not going that great as I think it is but I needed to do this for me, the relationship was not healthy and he wanted to save atleast something out of it before it went completely sour. I truelly hope I will find someone in my life that loves me they way I love them... If I don't it will be ok... as they say it is better to have loved once then never loved at all... I thank you all for the responses it has encouraged me to try somewhat to move on...I really really want to get at a better place.... Acceptance of a love lost is hard... You would think after all this time I would be better... Tlme... Time... and more time....I look forward to the day it doesn/t hurt anymore...I know it will come I just wish it was now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Kuite You may have to ride this out... being with a new a girl is intoxicating... it is a distration... something new...and the honeymoon stage could last from 4 months to a year... You have history and this person will if it is all new may want to feel like they can start over... The real problem is...if it is new may after a period of time become a reality check... but then again you never know... some rebounds have stayed together but in personal opinion.. without alone time to grieve the loss of another it is just a distraction... However if they checked out a long time they may have moved on... Link to post Share on other sites
Kuite09 Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Hey, Thanks for your reply and comments. I just couldnt understand how can he dare say he wanted to see me when he is still with her and then have the nerve to tell me that hes already questioning things about her etc. Then if your questioning stuff then why be wit her? Once I told him this is my closure and time for me to close this chapter of my life, he broke down and started to cry and told me why are you doing this and is this really what you want? are you truly okay with not hearing from me again? I was like no I am not but however I need to let go and move forward with me life. Kuite You may have to ride this out... being with a new a girl is intoxicating... it is a distration... something new...and the honeymoon stage could last from 4 months to a year... You have history and this person will if it is all new may want to feel like they can start over... The real problem is...if it is new may after a period of time become a reality check... but then again you never know... some rebounds have stayed together but in personal opinion.. without alone time to grieve the loss of another it is just a distraction... However if they checked out a long time they may have moved on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 mike Getting back with an ex... takes work... She needs to realize what happened to make them break up 3x... It is not about missing someone or having a history it is about why they broke up in the first place... Obviously they had problems... if they can't figure it out... they most likely will go down the same the path of breaking up again.... She most likely used you for a distraction and may in her heart wanted to get over him and used you to a certain degree... I would not doubt if problems are not resolved she will turn to you... They are most likely in the honeymoon stage... Link to post Share on other sites
Dawlapalcor Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 The Rite movie yahoo Download Blogspot Source Code where can i download Due Date Super 8 (LQ) Movie Quotes Wound Film Download Link dvd quality The Green Hornet ipod The Next Three Days divx hd Dvd House, M.D. - Season Seven Download where can i download the Morning Glory Watch Rango (HQ) Film In Full Download The Movie The Other Guys online Watch Full Version Splice Movie The Lincoln Lawyer Film Hd Apple Movie Trailer Get Him to the Greek online The Change-Up film part Watching The Walking Dead - Season One Online video roger spottiswoode Modern Family - Season Two Soul Surfer (LQ) Film Online Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Kuite Tough Love my friend... As long as this person had someone else in her life... you did the right thing...This all about respect and the nerve to her to try is appalling while with someone else... your best response if you want this person in your life I am gone.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Sorry Kuite I used he for she... I wasn't familiar with name... forgive me... As long as he is with her... you need to let go.... Until He lets go and realizes you are the one... it is futile Link to post Share on other sites
lonelynyc Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 This was a very meaningful post for me. Part of what has enabled me to keep a distance from my ex is that lurking notion that there might be a second act for us in the future despite all indications that will never happen. I know that on an intellectual level, but haven't allowed myself to emotionally fathom what it will do to me when she's with someone else and has completely closed the door on me. I'm dreading the pain I have yet to experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Girl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Lonely when I saw him with someone else... it really hurt it really showed me he had moved on... I don't feel regretful for contacting him and wanting another chance and I am grateful he did e-mail me back as much as it hurts more now.... acceptance of it really being over is what I really needed to come to terms with... Hoping made it easier to move on and think someday we will be back together... Even now after all this time... I still hold onto the branch of maybe one day... but in reality I am now ready to live with my life with no expectations... and it almost like starting over from day 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts