Neglect and Abandonment Along With Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Abuse
Ok I'm having a really hard time this holiday season. I spent Thanksgiving with some of my family that I haven't had any contact with in about 8 months or so. Well during the day that I was there my brother, three of his friends and my mother were all high. I didn't recognize my Uncle that was there.(He has been smoking crack a lot lately.) My mother also complained a lot about an incident where one of my uncles beat her up a few months earlier along with some of my other family members. Well needless to say I was miserable the whole time I was there and remembered why I cut off almost all contact with them. Ever since then I have kind of shut down. My school work is piss poor, I keep very odd hours and am getting depressed. My birthday is coming up and I am actually dreading it. My mother always tries to have a party or get together for me and invites a lot of my family and a lot of them don't even show up and she always gets upset. Somehow she always seems to twist that around and redirect it as being my fault for them not showing up.
My mother was severely neglectful to me my whole life. My father basically abandoned me after the age of two when my parents got a divorce. My mother's boyfriend used to physically abuse me and my mother still justifies it. I was sexually abused by a babysitters teenage son growing up. As well my mother was severely emotionally abusive to me as well.
I managed to graduate highschool a year early and go to college. My freshman year of college I got a job that payed very well for my age and I saved up enough money to get my own car and enough money to move out that summer. It felt nice to get away from the constant chaos of my home life and have something stable and somewhere I could feel safe to come home to and relax. After a while on my own I had a relationship with a woman that turned out to be very unhealthy for myself. It ended in a not so good manner. After that I also had another relationship that was very unhealthy for myself. After those two relationships I have just dated and was still attracted to the same chaotic, uncaring type of woman. I ended up taking a 6 month break from dating and went back and got some more counseling. Well I felt confident enough to start dating again. Well to my disdain I'm still picking the same selfish, emotionally bankrupt, and chaotic women. I can't seem to break my pattern of picking these type of women for dating or relationships despite a lot of work trying to break this pattern.
Well I haven't had any physical or emotional affection now for 6 months and its driving me crazy. I haven't even kissed anyone in six months. I however, refuse to date people that are unhealthy for me in order to just meet a few needs. I'm starting to get that feeling like there is a hole in my life again. I've worked very hard at dealing with this feeling in positive ways and I'm scared that it might become a problem again. I have hobbies and interests that make it a little bit better but it still feels like there is something missing.
Sorry for the long ranting but it feels good to talk about this. My question is has anyone ever dealt with that feeling that theres something missing in their life? It almost feels as if there is a hole in myself. I'm doing very well considering and am quite proud of myself for making it as far as I have in life. I've exceeded all the expectations that my family has ever had for me. (which weren't very high in the first place) I'm going to look up and see if there are some support groups in my area for the things that I am going through. I don't know if I'm going to have any luck though cuz even when I was in counseling my counselor didn't know of any. (I live in a relatively small college town) Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.
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