[livingdeadgurl]

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Hey can you please help me I think I'm dying of a broken heart. I have been with him for nine months. And I had issues from past relationships. And abandonment issues too. He went through a lot and still stayed with me. Last night he came home (something he hasn't done in about two days) he brought me some money for rent and a couple of things I needed from the store. He came in and sat down and gave me money and I asked him to please hang my new shelf for me. He said he would but not right now. He had to leave. I asked where he was going and he said it don't matter. Then he said to go into the other room for privacy. When we went in there he said it was over and he had to go. I asked him to please not do this to me because it will kill me. He said I have to go. I followed him outside and he got in his car. I leaned my head on the window and said please Jeff don't do this I love you please. He was crying really hard and shaking his head no and he turned on the car and drove away. I haven't stopped crying since. I feel like I'm gonna die. I have never hurt so badly in my life. I would rather give birth to 80 pound triplets. What am I going to do? Help me please I cant take the pain.

[chrisd]

Hi, Im in a similar position to you at the moment, dont know why ive been dumped, and i was'nt expecting it. All I can say is try to calm down a bit first, call a friend or relative someone who can comfort you. You need to be with someone to help you relax. I know its hard, I cant stop crying myself. You will find out why hes gone soon enough. But for now just be with someone whos shoulder you can cry on.

Chris

[livingdeadgurl]

Thank you chrisd I dont have any family and I have one trusted friend and she is happy right now and I am trying not to take her down with the ship. I talked to him a few minutes ago and he said he would call me @ 5:00 tonight when he gets off work. So I am a little calm. But I know he wont now that I have sat on it for a minute. He wont because he is cold like that. The man I fell in love with was the sweetest , kindest, politest man in the whole world. Now he is copmpletely different. He said hes damaged goods becasue of my accusing him of cheating on me everytime he went somewhere. But I quit doing that like a month and a half ago. He just keeps finding reasons for him to stay away. Im so hurt I feel like I cant breathe. OUCH!

[Vivid_29]

OUCH - You poor thing - Reading your post stung my heart a little --

Did he give you an explanation as to why it was so easy for him to leave you? I know you mentioned something about accusing him of cheating, but that can't be all --

[midori]

Originally posted by livingdeadgurl
I have been with him for nine months. And I had issues from past relationships. And abandonment issues too. He went through a lot and still stayed with me. Last night he came home (something he hasn't done in about two days) he brought me some money for rent and a couple of things I needed from the store.

I understand that you're in pain right now. But think about what you've said here. You two were together for less than a year, and were already living together. Convenient, possibly. But too soon, surely. To tie the practical aspects of your life to a new romance is very risky. What made you do that?

You say you have issues from past relationships, and fear of abandonment. And you say that you had been unreasonably suspicious of him throughout most of the relationship. I hate to say it but I think that the relationship is over, and has been over for much longer than you realize. He may have stayed for as long as he did because he didn't want to leave you in the lurch for rent money. He might have wanted things to improve, but how could they with you two living together? Your problems seem to involve clinging too tightly to him -- which would just be exacerbated by living together.

Even now your reaction seems to be a bit extreme. I know it's a fresh wound, and of course you're going to be in pain. But you're not going to die! A 9 month relationship ended. Definitely tough, but it's not the end of the world. What's behind this intense panic?

How old are you?

I hope you can work things out with your boyfriend. Whether or not that's possible, it seems like you need to get yourself in hand. You seem to be waaaay too dependent on having a boyfriend in your life. I think you ought to strive for a bit more independence -- emotional, financial, and social independence.

If you can't afford to live on your own, find a roommate. Roommates can come and go with a minimum of disruption to your life and stability.

Cultivate some more friendships. As you can see it's not a good idea to have your entire social life consist of one friend and your boyfriend. And real friends are happy to be supportive of you when you need it. Maybe your friend will have some suggestions about where to go to find a roommate, or things you might do to meet new people and make some friendly connections.

Lastly, if you know that you have some real issues that need to get sorted out before you'll be able to function in a healthy relationship, get some help. There's no shame in talking to a counselor; in fact it's the responsible thing to do. You need to take responsibility for your emotional well-being. You can't have your happiness riding entirely on what another person does.

Good luck.

[livingdeadgurl]

Thank you all for your soound advice. I am very grateful. He did call me at 5 and then he came home and stayed til 1am. Regardless we talked and cried and I obviously caused a whole lot of pain for the both of us. I didn't realize the terrible way I made him feel and it kills me to know I was hurrting him as badly as he expressed last night. Oh I hurt more for him now than myself. Oh yeah I am 28. Well he left and then called me several times afterwards. Then came and got me and took me to his moms. We kicked it and he fell asleep. I layed there staring at his beautiful face and cried my eyes out. Because I look at him and see so many things that awe me. He has told me that there is no chance of us getting back together ever. And then when we went to his moms we were intimate (nobody was home of course) But he seems to be back to normal like nothing. I am afraid to ask him. I am going with the flow for now.

What do you guys think?

[midori]

I think there is way too much drama going on -- all this crying, hearts breaking, lovemaking, denying. Great, there's lots of strong feeling. What are you doing to be able to harness the strong emotions in a constructive way?

I think that unless and until you get yourself in hand and figure out how to handle your issues in a healthy way you two aren't going to be happy together for very long.

In the meantime, I think you would be foolish to think that things are "back to normal." He has said that they aren't. You're "going along with the flow" because you're deliberatley closing your eyes and hoping things will work out the way you want.

Get your life in order. Get your living arrangments sorted out. He can live with his mom, great. You can't -- so where are you going to be? Stop relying on him. The focus of your day cannot be him. The focus of your day needs to be the practical things that will allow you to be independent. Until that happens, you'll keep clinging, and you'll crush any chance of having a good relationship.

[Vivid_29]

And what about you, sweetheart -- when you look in the mirror, don't you see so many beautiful things? You love this man, but do you love yourself?

This man told you that there was no chance for the two of you to get back together. I think that you got your answer and that you don't need to ask him anything.

I don't know Jeff, but it sounds like he's leading you on by a string. Try and suck it up and accept the breakup. The more you fight it, the more miserable you are gonna be. Try and let it go...

[Lucy Loverheart]

i have read all your messages and take comfort in the fact that i am not
alone in my horrendously painful break-up. ending a relationship is not unlike
a bereavement. my father died from cancer three years ago and the pain, sadness
and unhappiness i have felt since has been as severe as the anguish i felt when
my father died. it was truely awful - we split, my ex-boyfriend and i after a two
and a half year relationship six months ago. the pain is still there but it is starting to lessen very slightly.


at first it was awful - i quite literally had hunger pangs for him - the desire to call
him, smell him, cuddle him and talk with him was incredible and beyond my control.
when we split he totally rejected me and i went into an obsessive overdrive calling him and texting him. my self-esteem and self-respect plummeted to such low depths.


however, my advice to all of you guys would be to check out of the heartbreak hotel and leave dumpsville. it's a cliche but go easy on yourself - love yourself - surround yourself with family and friends - the people that really do care. keep yourself busy - take up a new hobby, help others, tidy the house - anything but call him. and if you do find yourself going to call him - think to yourself - "what is this going to acheive? what will i say to him if he picks up? what are the benefits here?" the chances are that you will be calling him out of some misplaced and lonely desperation. you deserve more for yourself.


also instead of looking back - e.g, by focusing on how mean, selfish and unattentive he was - you should look foward - think to yourself "ok - so i got unlucky and had someone abuse my heart but how am i gonna change things - how will my NEXT boyfriend differ? and what am i looking for in my next new man?!" try putting together a list of all the attributes you are looking for in the ideal partner and you will feel inspired by making such a positive move.


often when we call our ex's - whether it be to row or to reminisce - it is because we lack the courage to move on with our lives - we would rather live in the past than face the future - a future that is both daunting and exciting in equal amounts. so face up, ship out and realise that now you are single that you have the chance here to take an amazing journey of self-discovery and revel in the fact that your live will unfold and you have many more (and better) boyfriends to come.


also, if you are still obsessing over an ex, calling him and boring friends with every detail over the messy break-up - remember that you are in control here, not him - you can make the pain stop and take charge of your destiny. your ex has wasted enough of your precious time and for goodness sake - don't let him waste any more of it!!! i would love to help any of you guys if you require help so please do not hesitate to email me with your problems. x x x