I am absolutely terrified. I have been with my boyfriend for two years now and I love him deeply. He is in love with me and he treats me like a princess. We are best friends and never get sick of each other. I would marry him in a second however I found out some very disturbing things about his past. He had about 10-15 sexual experiences with men when he was in his early 20's (He has been checked for STDS). He says he did this because he felt wanted by these men and woman were not interested in him. He also has a cross-dressing fetish (that is only done in the privacy of our own home). He says that he is not interested in men and that he is only interested in me. He also says that he is not bisexual. Can I believe this? My biggest fear is that he will leave me for another man when we are married and have children. I do not want my children to grow up with a homosexual father. We have a great sex life and he gets aroused watching straight porn, he also checks out other woman which is fine. Can I trust him? I am constantly accusing him of being bi and I know I put him through alot of torment. I need some advice PLEASE!! Can someone really have those experiences and be over them? I am also very scared of the cross-dressing thing.

[moimeme]

A large proportion of cross-dressers are indeed straight. As for him being bi, if he gets aroused at straight porn and checks out women, I wouldn't worry. Quit distrusting him.

[bark]

I agree that most cross-dressers are straight. I'm concerned, however, about your bf's "10-15 sexual experiences with men" in his early 20s. Many of us average looking guys go through periods where it appears no woman would ever find us attractive or interesting. It's called a dry spell. I know it well.

None of the straight guys I know ever had sex with men --especially 10 to 15 men--during our relationship droughts.
We wouldn't think of having sex with a guy-- especially in our early 20s where sexual orientation has usually jelled. We would just masturbate. I suspect your bf is still in the closet. Heterosexual males do not, out of prison, have sex with 10-15 other men. It just doesn't happen.

This is a close case:I understand your sex life is good, you both watch and presumably enjoy straight porn and your bf finds women attractive. However, I know a number of guys who married and then 5-10 years later announced to their wife that they were "coming out." It was devastating.

There are some real warning flags up, here: ignore them at your peril.

Good luck.

[moimeme]

Heterosexual males do not, out of prison, have sex with 10-15 other men. It just doesn't happen.

Sorry, Bark, but wrongo. I don't have the stats handy and will look them up if you insist, however some ofthe bigger sex studies revealed that a surprisingly large proportion of people have had at least one homosexual experience in life. It was something on the order of 30% of men, if not more. One of the men I went out with had had some gay experiences in his youth. Just as gay people have heterosexual sex, sometimes people need to experience the sex to decide it's not really for them.

[bark]

Anything's possible but 10-15 sexual experiences is a significant number. We're not talking a little experimentation at summer camp while a teenager.

Repeated adult sex with men coupled with the cross-dressing raises, in my mind (and more importantly in the poster's mind ), a red flag. The bf may be straight or he may be gay but deeply closeted. Gay men have sex with women as do straight men. I don't know.

I had a former nanny who married and had a child with an air force guy. While they were based in Florida, he was coming home very late. My nanny hired a PI and had hubby followed. Hubby was living with, and going to gay bars with, his male lover. I also know of two other guys, who married, had kids and later came out.

Is that going to happen, here? I don't know. I'm not a seer. But there are enough storm signs for mmiller to be legitimately concerned. The poster claims to be "absolutely terrified" and she does not want her children to grow up with a "homosexual father." This is obviously a very sensitive issue to her.

In light of the poster's powerful concerns, regardless of whether one would consider these concerns homophobic, she should reassess the relationship or deepen her investigation. My suspicion is that she's doing that as we type.

I still believe, apart from the stats, that this may not be the right relationship for mmiller. Other women may not care but I believe mmiller does. I also suspect her anxiety about her bf's sexual orientation would drain much of the joy from any marriage.

[JMP36]

I am posting here because I have a somewhat similar situation. My boyfriend of 2 years and I have had a rocky relationship, he had a drinking problem and has since stopped and goes to AA. The problem I am having is not his fetish of crossdressing, but over the time he was drinking, every so often and over time, he has made 'strange' references to things that have to me seemed to be 'red flags' that he may be gay or bisexual. Please tell me if I should follow my gut instincts or making more of it that I should. The strange remarks or situations have not been daily, but have made me question his honesty and his commitment to us. I asked him if he was gay/bi and he gets fidgety and says "I am NOT gay" - but will not explain certain questionable comments made in the past. He was very much admiring Michael Jackson during interview last winter and seemed to have a 'strange' reaction when watching him, and then Clay (winner of American Idol) made him actually stand up and give him a standing ovation at one point. Also one time at a grocery store, a man walked past us and immediately I sensed something 'between' them, at least on my boyfriend's part, some attraction, and a lingering sort of look of interest. The guy at my first glance came off as seeming to be gay, just my intuition.

My boyfriend has also said things like, "all truckers are gay" and that threw me, how would he know or even care to find this out? he also said he was raped 2 years ago at a forest preserve, but was drunk and knocked out and woke up with pants up and doesn't know what happened. about a month after telling me, he seemed very interested in wanting me to perform dildo-anal sex on him. I said if he was raped, wouldn't that be the last thing a man would want?

He is mad at me and says I make these things up or that it was in the past... he also said if we had broken up that someday he may see himself being with a crossdresser. He denies all this, because of course it was all while he was an active alcoholic and thinks because it was in the past it should all be forgotten and now says I'm a bitch and all these rotten things like he hopes I die and get killed in a car accident, then later on says he just says things and can't control it before it comes out. He is full of anger and it was before I came along I think. He has had only 1 relationship for 5 months with a girl (who was also alcoholic) and spent most of his time alone he says but then in his journal had written something about not caring whether he collects his money being a hustler and wonders what hustlers do with their money... then said he was comparing it to terrorism in IRAQ and it was just a continuation of that entry - I thought it sounded like personal experience and could be since he was homeless in the past for a bit....

What do I make of this? Am I just being used as a cover for him? We are now expecting a baby and I'm seriously not wanting to be with him without 100% trust. He says it's me being paranoid and too much time to think on my hands. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP - doesn't this sound strange to you? He says I'm crazy. (yes, verbal abuse becomes a big part of this when subject is brought up) - he even now is denying he is my baby's father, when he KNOWS it is not true. Please help me make the right decision about him, should I dump him NOW or find out in 10 years he has been gay all along? thanks..

[mfrmboy]

First off Clay Aiken did not win american idol. Ruben studdard did. Although neither stands out in my mind as an A I. Now on the count of both threads here you should trust your instincts. I am gay and have been with both men and women through out my life. I know that a heterosexual male may experiment with another man but not several.
My experience with women was mainly out of denial but you are who you are and there is no changing that. You cant deny your inner self.
Them being bi is a very big possibility.
The guy writing about being a hussler and the guy with all the sexual male experiences are both VERY BIG RED FLAGS. I dont know these guys and so I cant say forsure what they want. But please be careful !
Michael Jackson is a freak now he has ruined himself. I have always loved his music and videos.
Im sorry if I were accused of child molestation the last thing I would do is have more kids sleep in the bed with me.
Just like OJ, If Im not guilty come search me. Not put a gun to my head and take off on the run.
These guys are telling on themselves, Like MJ & OJ.
Pay attention! GOOD LUCK!!!!!! LOL

[JMP36]

To mfrmboy,

Thanks for response. I can't believe I did it again, I knew Reuben won AI, I actually was happy he was picked and also Clay, I like them both - my mistake...I apologize!!! Second, the journal entry about hustling shocked me and I questioned him, and though when we first met, he insisted I read the entire journal (that's how he told me he was a crossdresser) - when I told him I read this last entry, he was SO angry. I was curious and I did tell him I read it without his permission, but he had it in MY drawer in dresser, so didn't think it would offend him. He did, when first confronted, turned beat red, denied he wrote it, swore I was lying, but I knew there was something to it... his explanation 2 days later was he was just writing and equating terrorism and how they are behaving and hustling and how hustlers take money... Myself, I don't see any correlation, but then again, my boyfriend writes poetry that sometimes makes no sense to me - so I let it go --- I don't have a problem so much if he admitted being gay - my problem has always been I do not tolerate lying in my home, my children know this and if he were gay, I'd respect him much more for accepting himself... He just gives so many mixed signals.

Would a person get DEFENSIVE if asked this question and they WERE NOT gay? If someone asked me if I were lesbian, I would laugh and say "what gives you that idea"? Would a man really USE a woman so he would have a "cover" to throw off suspicions? that's what makes me believe it's so easy for him to turn on me and say such mean things. It's like he seems to hate women sometimes. He has an anger towards them. I know he also was looking to buy a love doll once, I found the history search on my computer --- why would a man prefer a fake doll to his girlfriend? This was before we lived together and while he drank and spent ALOT of time together.

Also, if a man was raped, would he be that willing to receive anal sex from anyone after that? Why does it seem to not affect him? He never sought counseling and tonight claims "He is in PHYSICAL PAIN" because of this rape 2 years ago. He NEVER mentioned pain before and has never made an attempt to seek medical attention for it if he had pain.... isn't it more trouble than it's worth to do all this? Is he just trying to let me know that he was WITH another man, but making up the RAPE part so as not to acknowledge his desire for it? and if you were raped, would you return to the same area again???? He did, and he seemed to (when he drank) spend a lot of time at forest preserves at night after work, drinking -- that sounds fishy all by itself, and he claimed he had no clue that forest preserves are a popular place for gay men to find sex... how could he not know that? and why would he label all truckers as "gay" -- I just don't know where it comes from. He obviously gave it thought or has experience with truckers I suspect.

thanks...sorry I ramble, just haven't ever spoken to anyone about this and it's coming to a head....

jmp

[mfrmboy]

JMP

From everything you have said it sounds like he could be bisexual or gay. Ive known several men who were married and saw guys on the side.
when their wives found out of course they denied it! One hired an investigator to follow him then she got the proof.
Took him for everything. I think he was very wrong in doing this and should have come clean to her along time ago. They had two boys and thats why he said he couldnt.I had talked to him about it on a few occasions.
You could always suggest a threesome.
suggest it be with another guy and see what he says.
If yes, see if he has any ideas on who.
I hope you get this worked out and Ill keep an eye on your post for an update.
GOOD LUCK!!! LOL

[JMP36]

mfrmboy,

Funny, but I did suggest that to him. He was 'strongly' adamant that he would NEVER be with another guy. Yet, being a crossdresser, isn't his fantasy mainly going to be as if he IS the woman and submissive to a MAN??? He said he would consider if we broke up being with a crossdresser, yet he doesn't see how that would make me wonder what he wants. Of course another crossdresser is going to have a PENIS under his skirt also, but for some reason, I guess this is not considered 'bi' or 'gay' to meet up with another crossdresser. I know he is passive and submissive, he is also into the BDSM, I have seen magazines, and likes middle-aged black women also, ---- NONE of these categories do I even come close to... So WHY be with me in the first place? I have in the past just let these things slide off, letting it go, telling myself that I'll watch for more signs. He seems to go through stages where he actually HATES women and says we are all two-timing deceitful bitches, yet, I have been nothing but honest with him, and accepted his crossdressing, even done it WITH him, encouraging him to not be ashamed, yet he still wanted to do it in private, NOT wanting me to share this part of him,,,, and I'm open-minded and accepting - do not judge people, and have let him know that all I'm looking for is honesty --- I'm not looking to find out so I can ridicule him.... I would have even accepted this bi side, ----

I am now thinking that everything about him is a lie. Once they lie to you, everything after that is suspect.... I told him this, and told him I HATE this more than anything.... He says I'm hateful when I get mad and want to know the truth about this and bring these things up, YET he is the one who put these thoughts in my head.... He didn't have to tell me he thought his coworker was bisexual... what was the purpose in that?? He seems to be baiting me with tidbits and then turns on me and just blatantly makes up things to throw in MY face, as if I have the problem. He gets very verbally abusive when I approach him, yet I am not going to just 'forget' this, I don't rest until I understand people's motivation for their behavior and then I can let go....

If I have been supportive, he has even told me that other people have suspected he was gay in the past cuz he NEVER had a girlfriend or anything and NO close male friends even... But the other day he comes home and says a comment "Gay guys steal straight guys women just to show them they can" - or something like that.... and I have NO CLUE where these comments come from.... and he'll say things like while watching a movie "John Travolta's a nice looking guy" - for a man who is 'confident' that would not seem like a weird comment, but coming from an insecure man, it doesn't make sense to me....

just needed to vent more, I have never spoken any of this to another soul, and I am getting very drained, and just 6 weeks pregnant is probably why I am focusing on it, because I have to make a DEFINITE decision about my future with him. Not agreeing on raising a child, or lack of communication and trust will not be healthy... any advice or opinions are GREATLY appreciated by anyone, it's the only thing I can do to get some hold on this situation.

thanks.

[Girlinterrupted]

After having had sex with 10-15 guys he is definately, to say the least, "Bi-sexual". I mean after, at the most, the 3rd experience with a man he must of already decided that he liked it and that it was something that he would do again. He get's turned on by straight porn and by women yes but hello, he obviously gets turned on by MEN too....15 times worth!

I would definately beware of this and I do think that it is something that he will do again.

[Hasseyshooter]

Hi All;

I hope everyone is having a nice day off from work. My boyfriend and I will be eating with "family" today. Gay friends of mine are making a traditional feast and I'm starving!

I am bisexual and in a relationship with a straight man. We've been together for 11 years and met in college, where we were both photo majors. He and I are best friends and he knows my desire for closeness with my female friends and gives me room to pursue my disires, with tact, of course.

To the expecting woman with the alcoholic partner: You sound like you are in a dangerous situation. Alcoholism is a disease and will skew his judgement regardless if it hurts you or your future child. Be careful, but please vent your concerns. You will grow by "hearing" yourself express your problems. At least that works for me. I've kept a journal for 17 years and I get a lot off my chest into my journal thus keeping it from coming down on my partner.

Have a great day everyone. (Can someone tell me how to ad my photo to my ID?)

[ladywov]

I am also going through a very similar thing. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. I have been in several relationships but he was a virgin when we met and had never even gone out with anyone before ( he was 21 when we met ). Most of my friends think he is gay as well as many of my gay friends, not because of the way he looks b/c he isn't very "meterosexual", but b/c of his behavior, they say they get a gay vibe off of him. When we first started dating he would say strange things or I would catch him looking at other men, but I just ignored it, and he no longer does it as far as I know. Our sex life lately has become troubling to me. He has recently been trying to pressure me into having anal sex ( i do understand that many hetero men like this also ) but on top of that he has been been bringing up the subject of trying to get me to buy a strap-on and do the same to him. This seems odd to me. He also let it slip one night that he wants to try dressing in drag ( again I understand many straight men do this but the combination of everything else makes me wonder). Ever since I've met him he has been trying to get me to marry him, even before we got to know each other, and to me this seems like he is trying to force himself into what he sees as a "normal" life and many of my gay friends have told me that it is just a way for him to deny the truth. I have asked him before if he is gay and he denies it ( to me this is a sensative subject because I have had a man leave me b/4 for another man and it was heartbreaking. He knows this and I would hope that he would be honest with me b/c of it ). When I asked him if he wanted to have sex with other men he said he didn't know b/c he'd never tried it, but I think that kind of answer is ridiculous, unless you are trying to figure out if you're just bi or totally gay. I have told him I would still be good friends with him if he were gay b/c no matter what I love and appreciate him, but I don't want him to deny it now and realize the truth later on when we're married with kids. Also one of his friends let it slip one night that he may have had a gay experience when they were younger. At the time he was aparently very high and he says he doesn't think it happened, but he wasn't sure, and I wonder why he has never brought this up before when we usually tell each other everything, no matter how embarrassing or painful.