i woke up to the fact that i have two choices in my head pretty much most of the time.
one is the ego choice, or that little me, or that defensive person in there, all considered part of the ego..
that tells me not to do most of what i think i should do and does not
want me to have fun, love others, help others, openly talk about things, see things from other perspectives, finish things, start things, go places, live my life, stay here, runs away, argues, don't want to do this or that, workout, clean, do favors, help others in need, listen to people with an open mind, and not back down from people and or myself as well, to take a stand to those who i think treat me wrongly or unfairly....etc..
the other one..is that doing the watching of the little ego me..
i have been trying to be present (conscious) in most things but i kept forgetting, i felt like i was doing something wrong, but bits and pieces of it were coming through.
well then something clicked and i woke up!
i actually heard the voice of the little ego me putting people down, belitting things that were so petty to the higher consciousness of me.
this was a really nice awakeneing and has been helping me to be in the prescent more by being able to watch the voice and thoughts of the little me ego.
this has made me feel that i have finally arrived somewhere that i have been trying to travel to for many a year....
i have arrived....
anyway...i know i have quite the struggle in me yet..i know the little me is still going to kick up her heels and scream her head off, and want her own way, so that battle will still rage on.
but at least now i have "awareness" in me to watch her actions and learn from them, to confront them in her and see what her needs are and help myself make better choices between the two.
she may win some and i may win some but in the end it is all a learning and growing experience.
this is not just a one day awakening, it has been coming for quite some time now and when i felt ready to give up on the understanding of it all, then it finally made sense and happened!!
i can now see how thinking from that little me ego has caused a lot of problems, kept me stuck in pain and hurting and useless confrontations and stuck in a vicious circle of going no where!!
now that i have this new eye opening experience to help me deal with things, i am hoping that, no i KNOW that things will get better for me.
that at times she will win and i will hear the negative chatter and insults of her, and put down, and telling me i can't achieve even this, or do this or that, but i will have to watch it all as it goes by in my head and not give in and listen to her.
i have to see this as not a battle within myself but as something to accomplish in my self.
still things will fall back to where they were at times, but now i can at least know that i have accessed that high consciousness and that i can utilize it efectively.
i know the lttle me ego is still going to have her tantrums, and that no one will notice any change in me, but that i will know in myself and that is all that matters..
It's just that you seem to have the same epiphanies over and over again, yet you do little or nothing to change anything. A few weeks or months from now you'll be back here posting the same thing again. That's just my observation from having been around here a while.
No need to get nasty about it. If you'll go back and look, you'll see that I'm one of the ones who have TRIED to help you and give advice in the past. And if there's any specific advice or questions you have, I'll be happy to try to give mine.
Let's see, I woke up, opened my eyes, had a stretch, rolled over in bed, got out of bed, put on my fuzzy pink bunny slippers and robe, had a pee, went downstairs and made some coffee, and toast. Gotta love toast with a bit of butter and homemade pineapple jam. Yum yum. Pineapple jam is very epiphany-invoking. Zingy did you have pineapple jam on your toast this morning?
cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems.
i however, have been on a journey to find induviation, it is not something done over night or maybe even in a life time.
it takes several times, methods, and tried to get it right...no one get do it right the first time around,if that were the case i would never have been here to begin with.
when you said that i'll back here in a few months you sound just like my boyfriend/fiance.
he has little to no belief in me. he thinks that i am the way that i am and will most likely never change.
he thinks because of my past history of quitting jobs, with excuses, valid or not, changing my cell phone number, buying a new cell phone when my fell in the water, (he thinks i did it on purpose to buy a new one), things like that he still thinks that i am not going to ever change.
today for what ever reason, we got into a bicker about something, and he said that i was soon going to quit my delivery route and house cleaning.
i've had a string of migraine headahces for a week now, have not slept good for three nights, so i decided to put a message on my cell phone that i was taking off cleaning for a week or so to try to get rid of these headaches.
i never said i was quitting or quitting my route...i have been doing this route now for 8 months..for me that is a record!!
sad isnt it? and i know it is! but i get no recognition for what i have done, only what i have not done right in his eyes.
that is still my on going struggle..i keep trying and trying to do what he thinks is right for me, maybe he knows me better then me, i don't know.
maybe he sees something that i don't see yet, and his words, though harsh and hurtful at times ring true and that makes it even more hurtful.
okay...i'm done...i'm going to back to painting the kitchen....ugggh
"cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems."
how do you know for sure if others just sail through life? If you're not walking in their shoes, how could you presume to know? perhaps it's just that a lot of people here, and maybe ones you come into contact with in real life, they keep their struggles and journeys to themself versus repeatedly broadcasting them. A lot of people have long hard journeys in life, and unlike you, they maybe didn't have a supportive partner to stick by them. Some have to hold down a full time job despite their emotional and physical ailments and excuses.
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"i've had a string of migraine headahces for a week now, have not slept good for three nights, so i decided to put a message on my cell phone that i was taking off cleaning for a week or so to try to get rid of these headaches."
but you've been well enough to post here? when I get a migraine, the last place you'll find me is sitting at a monitor typing on a message board.
Interesting, however, that you admit to having a history of quitting jobs. Good thing your boyfriend puts up with that.
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"i never said i was quitting or quitting my route...i have been doing this route now for 8 months..for me that is a record!!"
You feel you should receive recognition for sticking to a job for a mere 8 months? Why is that?
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"sad isnt it? and i know it is! but i get no recognition for what i have done, only what i have not done right in his eyes."
You're a grown woman. Since when should adults get some kind of recognition for doing what they should be doing: holding down a job and remaining committed to it? That's not something that's worthy of recognition or praise or acknowledgment, it's an EXPECTATION that goes along with being an adult that's doing their part to contribute to their well being, relationship, community, society.
Do you give your boyfriend pats on the head each day when he comes home from work, to recognize the fact that he works each day? No? Well then why would you expect it?
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"that is still my on going struggle..i keep trying and trying to do what he thinks is right for me, maybe he knows me better then me, i don't know.
maybe he sees something that i don't see yet, and his words, though harsh and hurtful at times ring true and that makes it even more hurtful."
Classic victim-mindset statements.
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"okay...i'm done...i'm going to back to painting the kitchen....ugggh"
I thought you had such debilitating migraines that have left you with little sleep and unable to work for a week, yet you're painting your kitchen? something doesn't add up here.
but you've been well enough to post here? when I get a migraine, the last place you'll find me is sitting at a monitor typing on a message board.
As another migraine sufferer, I've gotta concur on this one. They manifest differently in different people, but I don't know anyone who can bear to read much at all while in the throes of a migraine.
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I thought you had such debilitating migraines that have left you with little sleep and unable to work for a week, yet you're painting your kitchen? something doesn't add up here.
Does seem a bit strange. Wish I could be that productive when I've got a migraine!
my point about the job is that he is so quick to always point out my flaws and what i and don't do right, but when i do something right he never notices it anyway.
it is our kitchen, not mine that i am painting while he is at work, slaving away to supoort my lazy ass.
uggggh...you people are imposible, but you know what? i am not going to get defensive nor angry, you are the way you are, and you believe what you believe, and that is all fine and good for all of you.
we all have our own beliefs and belief systems, and until you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me, fair enough, and i wont judge you either.
Alleluia! It's a miracle, the migraine has stopped. That's super. Guess you'll be up at the crack of dawn in the morning, raring to go to work and earn your keep.
Originally posted by zingy again
cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems.
Ziggy - You have no idea of the problems I've endured in my lifetime nor the medical conditions that I deal with on a daily basis. Believe me, I have not sailed through life with little or no problems. That's why I give advice - because I've LEARNED from my problems, gotten help for them, and moved on.
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i however, have been on a journey to find induviation, it is not something done over night or maybe even in a life time.
Sorry, but there's no such word as "induviation."
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when you said that i'll back here in a few months you sound just like my boyfriend/fiance.
I base my opinion on past experience, what I've seen and read on this forum from you. You come back time and time again saying the same things over and over; and judging from your current posts, nothing has really changed. Unfortunately, past history does have a direct bearing on what people think about you. It's a fact of life. Until something changes, and continues to change, it's hard for people to feel sorry for you.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
LOL
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