[three crows]

hiya,

i am a 27 year old male and have fought with my sexuality for nearly all my life... ever since i was old enough to remember, i have felt missplaced and have had a strong fixation with women's clothing and accessories. i feel as though i was born into the wrong body, that i should have been a woman instead. being a madly devoted husband of five years, and father of two wonderful children, i find it impossible to be who i truely want to. i have woken up in the night crying over the depression this disorder causes, and many times lay awake fetal-position. its like at night when all is quiet, my feminine qualities come to bear full force, and i weep for the daily suppression and want for a thing i can never have/be. my wife is very supportive of it and tries to help.. but she doesn't understand the agony of it truely.

i am an artist of sorts, and many of my female protraits have eyes to burn my soul. like they are the me i should have been or have forgotten i was in a past life or something. i have a hard time looking at them... i hate them for the way they make me feel, incomplete, ugly & apelike, but i am compelled to bring them out and onto canvas.

is there a name fo rthis disorder, are there ways beyond surgery/closet crossdressing that can help me?

thanks

three crows

Sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that at least you can share this with your wife and that she's supportive to the extent that she can be.

Have you ever sought professional help for this? Spoken with a psychologist? That would be a place to start. There are quite a few people out there who are in your boat, and yes there's a name for what you're feeling but the name escapes me now. A psychologist can help you work through this, and perhaps refer you to some type of support group for those who are in the same boat. Don't feel ashamed or embarassed, it's not your fault and you've done nothing wrong. You just really need someone who's trained in this area, to speak to and help get your feelings better sorted out. I saw an interesting show about this on TV last year, where they interviewed a good dozen of people who feel the way you describe. Some went ahead and had gender reassignment surgery, some did hormones, some dressed the part, but all were under the care and counselling of a psychologist. I wish you well.

[moimeme]

You are talking about being transgendered. Here are some links for more information:


http://www.geocities.com/karyn_ts/ts101.htm

http://www.metrokc.gov/health/glbt/transgender.htm

http://www.mts.net/~wglrc/transgender.html

[three crows]

thank you very much for your help and compassion!

my wife and i spoke of it this morning and we've decided to seek a professional to help us cope. it is reassuring to know that this condition is not as rare as i first suspected.

thanx again. the links were quite informative.

three crows

[moimeme]

Best of luck to you!

[Jilly]

Well, I feel your first port of call should be to discuss this with your GP, who will then hopefully refer you to a psychologist who specialises in gender problems. If you were actually born with both sexes organs you would be termed as transgendered, but it sounds to me you were born male but yearn to be female?

I wonder why, when you say you have battled with these feelings for as long as you can remember, you married, and had children? Forgive me, that's not meant to be nasty or anything, it just strikes me as odd. Your wife does sound very supportive, did you discuss your feelings with her before you married?

I read of so many men and women in your position who marry just to try and block out how they really feel, and in the end, that only hurts the poor spouses who, in my eyes, have been 'used' as a test.

Do seek help as soon as you can because what ever happens, you have an obligation to your wife and children too.

Good Luck.

[BlueCocoon]

Hi all. Just joined up. As someone who suffers from Gender Identity Disorder (GID) as it is currently referred to, I thought I'd put my 2 cents in. I apologize in advance if I repeat myself in this mess of text as I have tried to address various issues, questions and comments. Of course all of the following is just my opinion; take it for what it's worth.

is there a name fo rthis disorder, are there ways beyond surgery/closet crossdressing that can help me?

As mentioned above, what you have described is Gender Identity Disorder (GID).

I was in a situation similar to what you have described (i.e., GID, married with children) before things got so bad that I just HAD to seek help. A good psychologist who specializes in gender issues is ideal if one is available in your area. If you can get your spouse involved in these discussions as well, then all the better. Keep in mind though that a good therapist will NOT tell you what to do with your life, but rather will help YOU figure out what's right for you and your particular situation.

i have woken up in the night crying over the depression this disorder causes....

You might want to discuss trying anti-depressants with a therapist. It won't help you with your gender issues, but could help with the depression itself. It's sort of like treating the symptoms of a cold; it doesn't make the cold go away but if it can help you feel a little better by lessening the symptoms it might be worth it. (In addition to working on the actual gender issues with a therapist, of course...)

my wife is very supportive of it and tries to help.. but she doesn't understand the agony of it truely.

Because gender identity is such an integral part of who we are, I don't think that any person who doesn't have GID can really understand what it's like. But then again I can't really imagine what it's like to spend your whole life blind, for instance, since I'm not. While she may not be able to truly know what it's like to feel what you're feeling, do your best to help her understand, and be thankful that she is supportive. Keep in mind that she is likely trying her best to understand and cope, and it may even be frustrating for her in that she can do nothing to really help (although just being supportive and loving IS a big help.)

I wonder why, when you say you have battled with these feelings for as long as you can remember, you married, and had children?

I think it's mainly a desire to "fit in and be normal" just like everybody else. Since "gender identity" is not something normally talked about in school (except maybe in certain psych or biology courses, I guess) or even thought about by most people, the person suffering from GID may be pretty clueless about what's really going on with them unless it gets so bad that they eventually feel compelled to deal with the problem. It's not about "using" the spouse as a test; it's about really and truly making an effort to live a normal life like everyone else. So succeed, some don't. I don't think there is ever any intent to deceive and the marriage is entered into in good faith.

Do seek help as soon as you can because what ever happens, you have an obligation to your wife and children too.

And, yes, no matter what, you do still have an obligation to your wife and children. Keep their needs in mind at all times, but don't forget that you have needs as well.

***********

Others have posted links about transgender issues; go there and also do searches, etc. to get as much information as you can. The internet is an amazing resource; use it (in ADDITION to real, honest-to-goodness therapy in front of a real person.) I will, however, caution you away from the public "transgender" type newsgroups -- i.e., the alt.transgendered and such "usenet" ones that you can get to through google, etc. -- as there is very little constructive conversation that goes on there; unfortunately, it seems to usually just people bashing and shredding each other to pieces and not even worth reading or looking at. Other "private" newsgroups and forums such as this one are much better places to look for constructive conversation.

And above all else, if you go and read the stories of others who are or were in similar situations to you, it's important to remember that each person is a unique individual living their own life. Don't assume that you have to deal with your situation in a certain way just because someone else did; rather, use the experiences of others (and therapy) to help you figure out what's right and best for you, your wife and children.

Best of luck to you. For me, I don't know if I could make it through all that I'm going through in straightening out my life without the love of my children.

If you (or anyone else) have any further questions, want help trying to find any particular information, or just wish to discuss or try and understand Gender Identity Disorder (GID), as it is currently referred to, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm no expert, of course, but have the condition and am willing to try and help others cope or just understand. I think it would be great if society in general were more informed about these types of things. Having "Jerry Springer" be the main source of exposure to supposedly "transgendered" people is doing those of us with the real condition a great disservice and gives people absolutely the WRONG impression about the whole thing. The "Discovery" and/or "Learning" channels sometimes have documentaries, etc. about "Gender" issues that can be informative.

Take care.

- BlueCocoon