(Thinking how to condense a long story.....................)

Let's start by saying that the last 13-14 years have been absolute mental and psychological chaos. My mother is very controlling and manipulative. She has to know everything that is going on and if she doesn't, she will threaten you. It has been as severe as her telling me I was allergic to some foods just because they aren't healthy. When I went to try those foods, I was so scared, I almost got sick. I tried them and everything was fine. I confronted her about it and that's when she told me that they are not good for me.

I have lived out of the house for almost a year now, but only live about 20 minutes away. But, at least she cannot use the "You live under my roof (my dad's actually - mom doesn't work, but I wish she has over the years), you go by my rules."

Since this has gone on so long and I am now 24, it is effecting my life in many ways. My mother and I have had a weird relationship. I am best friends with her, but I am best enemies. I know that is typical, but this is actually horrible. It has affected a relationship I was in and that has been put on hold b/c he told me "I need a supporting friendship right now more than I need a relationship." I think that is great and respect him for that.

My self-esteem has been greatly impacted by this treatment over the last 13-14 years. My mother refuses to get help, so I realize that I have to get help for myself. I simply cannot go on like this. My current psychological state has impacted my intimate relationships, my spirituality, my job, and any other aspect you can think of. It's to the point where I fear telling my mom things because she focuses on the negative. But, I also feel horrible if I don't tell her something b/c I feel like I will be hiding something/lying to her.

I have avoided calling her the last few weeks, but she has called me every day. It is to the point that she is recognizing it and is asking me about it. I refuse to talk to her about it until I talk to my counselor, which will be tonight. I am pretty depressed about the whole situation right now and just want casual/friendly advice.

My parents are still married (unfortunately) and my dad is absolutely miserable for the same reasons I am. I have confided in him a small amount, but he told me yesterday not to confide him with anything about my mother anymore. I understand that concern, but that's one less person I can go to.

When I talk to my mother, it will have very negative impacts on my relationship with my father and brother. It will probably cause hell in their house and I will feel guilty about it.

I hung up on my mother Monday night b/c she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. I automatically had a guilt trip (which triggered depression) and called her to apologize. Luckily, she was in the tub. I found out yesterday that my parents stayed up talking until 2am Monday night and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for everything that happens in the house even though I do not live there.

Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy gets the grunt of all my emotional stress and it hacks me off. Why would that be happening? My mind isn't allowing my heart to trust him, even though he has never done anything wrong - he is wonderful!!

Any advice on A.) Whether I should even sit down and talk to my mom OR B.) Why everything defaults to the awesome relationship I am involved in, would be GREATLY appreciated!

And, FYI: I am currently seeing a wonderful psychologist who is helping me greatly and next Monday, I will be seeing a psychiatrist. I think that I may suffer from OCD due, in part, to this situation.

[LadyX]

It looks like talking to your Mom doesn't really do any good. I suggest sitting down and writing a long letter to your Mother, tell her all your feelings about the situation, how it is affecting you...etc. Suggest she go to counseling with you so you can work on your relationship, if she refuses, let her know that you will have to break the ties with her so you can heal and move on with your life. I also suggest you tell her in your letter, exactly what you've told us here. Has your family (Father, brother...) ever considered an intervention? Meaning...gathering together and discussing this with her as a united front? In this situation, she would be forced to see the truth, and the hurt she's caused her family.

[HokeyReligions]

The reason our parents can push all our buttons is because they installed them!

It's good that you are seeing a counselor because you have got to dump this guilt stuff. You are no more responsible for your parents, or anyone else, then you are responsible for me. Its easier said than done - I think we've all felt our share of guilt over the years.

You are not obligated to tell her anything.

Let's start by saying that the last 13-14 years have been absolute mental and psychological chaos. My mother is very controlling and manipulative. She has to know everything that is going on and if she doesn't, she will threaten you. It has been as severe as her telling me I was allergic to some foods just because they aren't healthy. When I went to try those foods, I was so scared, I almost got sick. I tried them and everything was fine. I confronted her about it and that's when she told me that they are not good for me.

It sounds like she was/is trying to protect you in the only way she knows how -- by knowing what you are doing/going to protect you from outside threats, and monitoring your eating to keep your insides healthy. Did she ever have a weight problem? I'll be honest, when my kids were little I did not allow sweets in the house, or chips or anything like that because everyone in my family and in my husbands family has weight problems. It had crossed my mind to tell them that they were allergic to certain foods just to scare them from eating them. I didn't have to because they listened to me when I said "NO" and when I explained that it could harm them and make them fat. They experiement when they were older and that was okay because by then they had not developed a strong desire for some of this junk food. Anyway, she may be trying to protect you. I'm curious why you would potentially endanger your life by trying something that you previously believed you were allergic to?

My self-esteem has been greatly impacted by this treatment over the last 13-14 years. My mother refuses to get help, so I realize that I have to get help for myself. I simply cannot go on like this. My current psychological state has impacted my intimate relationships, my spirituality, my job, and any other aspect you can think of. It's to the point where I fear telling my mom things because she focuses on the negative. But, I also feel horrible if I don't tell her something b/c I feel like I will be hiding something/lying to her.

This is totally you and not her. You control your feelings and your actions. Keep going to therapy and work on this. It's up to you to not feel "horrible." Your mother does not have to know everything in your life.

I have avoided calling her the last few weeks, but she has called me every day. It is to the point that she is recognizing it and is asking me about it. I refuse to talk to her about it until I talk to my counselor, which will be tonight. I am pretty depressed about the whole situation right now and just want casual/friendly advice.

HURRAY FOR YOU! You are doing all the right things - it just takes time. Hold on to the fact that you are taking control over your life, you are taking action, and realize that it may take a while -- it took 24 years for your mother to screw you up - you can't expect to get yourself "un-screwed" overnight. Be patient - you are on the right track!

When I talk to my mother, it will have very negative impacts on my relationship with my father and brother. It will probably cause hell in their house and I will feel guilty about it.

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You are setting an example for them by getting out of the situation and by taking control of your life.

I hung up on my mother Monday night b/c she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. I automatically had a guilt trip (which triggered depression) and called her to apologize. Luckily, she was in the tub. I found out yesterday that my parents stayed up talking until 2am Monday night and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for everything that happens in the house even though I do not live there.

Dump the guilt - you are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE. You didn't put a gun to their heads and make them sit up until 2am. The next time you talk with your mother on the phone and she doesn't listen, tell her that you are going to hang-up now and do it and don't call her back - even if you know she didn't hear you tell her you were hanging up. You need to distance yourself from her - not to show her a lesson, but for your own sake right now.

Any advice on A.) Whether I should even sit down and talk to my mom OR B.) Why everything defaults to the awesome relationship I am involved in, would be GREATLY appreciated!

A) No
B) That is what is known as "baggage" and we all have it. Don't stress over not trusting him right now - explain to him what is happening in your life. Talk to your counselor about him - if he seems to not understand or is impatient, maybe he could sit in on a therapy session with you. If he leaves you because of this then let him go. He's not the one for you. The right man will stick with you.

LadyX:

No, talking to my mom does no good, it just upsets me. But, for some reason, I feel like she has a right to know what's going on in my mind since a lot of it pertains to her in some way. She will never go to counseling with me because she has no reason to. We have discussed counseling for several years in my family, but she seems to believe that everyone else needs it BUT her - cute huh?


HokeyReligions:

Thanks for the support seeing the counselor. It took me a bit to realize it. I think of all the people that are going through somewhat similar things that aren't willing to admit they need assistance - that's sad.

Actually, she claimed these foods caused my epilepsy when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was too young to know what caused them (other than heredity) and she found foods that weren't good for me (that were not causing the seizures), so she took advantage of the opportunity and led me to believe I was allergic to them. There are no weight problems in my family. I have always had a question in my mind as to whether I was allergic to them and after much thought, I decided to try it. And, what do 'ya know - nothing ever happened. I guess I got to the point where I didn't trust my mom at all - yet, I had all the trust in the world in her.

I know I control my thoughts and feeling, but for some reason, I have been doing them through her and allowed her to 'run my life' in many ways. That is why I am going to the counselor because I know I need to 'break the apron strings.' I am realizing my mother doesn't need to know everything in my life, but that is a huge struggle right now, but one I will be able to better handle down the road.

I know change isn't going to happen overnight and I know it is going to be difficult, but I also know that in the end, I will be my true, grown-up self because, right now (in a lot of ways), I am not grown up. I am still letting others control my life for me, especially my mother.

Guilt is something I am trying to force myself out of. If I start to go on a 'mental trip,' I force myself to think the opposite. It is quite hard. My psychologist calls it "cognitive reconfiguration' and I like those terms because it is so true. It will take time and patience, which I will learn much about during this process. I think I am doing pretty good for only going to the psych for about 3 weeks.

I am doing my darndest to distance myself from her. I apologize for keep repeating that it's hard, but it's much harder than I ever imagined.

He (my friend/temporary ex) knows about everything that is going on and he is completely supportive of it. He asks me after all my appointments how they went and is wonderful for me right now. My counselor is aware of him and how my current situation(s) are effecting our relationship and we are working on that slowly but surely. The main issue is my psych with my mother and I feel that the relationship with him will work itself out quite easily when all my guilt/mistrust goes down. He wouldn't leave me because of this, he assures me and I trust him completely (deep down inside, but not psych right now). Psychologically, I have a fear of losing him, but deep down I know I won't. I have all the faith in the world in that relationship and I am thrilled that he is being so great through this - he is wonderful (and, I know I keep saying that too!). I think down the road, the psych will want him to sit in on a session, but not at this time. I will ask him to sit in on one or two when she (psych) requests it.

Thanks for all y'alls advice (Sorry, I'm from Texas!) and I look forward to reading replies. This is great for me.

Hey there, I also want to commend you for finding some help. Not many people can do that, and unfortunately, your mother is one of them. It seems as though you fall in this guilt trap, because the boundaries between you and mother are quite blurred. You speak of her being your best friend at times and at other times she is trying to control you, or her needing to know everything in your life. Your mother does not have to know everything, nor is she entitled to know everything. Being a friend means having mutual respect, and if she is not giving this to you, she is not a friend.

I would agree that writing a letter would be the most appropriate way to confront her when and if you are ready. I wouldn't just restrict this to one letter, I would sit down whenever I had a conflict such as the one you've described and as mentioned earlier write in complete detail to your mother. You may or may not actually give the letter to her, however, this is not about her, this is about YOUR healing process only.

You mentioned earlier that you have very few people to go to, and your father no longer wants to be a confidant. This is actually pretty normal, he is a person that may understand your feelings, but this is also a person who has not gotten any help himself. The Co-dependant relationship that seems to exist between him and your mother really thrives from all of this drama with your mother. For however long they have been married, this is what they've needed to keep the relationship going. While your father may also be a victim of your mothers abuse, he also has a role in it, and until he gets help is just as emotionally sick as your mother.

You may find in your healing process, that you may have to re-evaluate the relationships between your father, brother and yourself, not to hurt them, but to help yourself and further remove yourself from the dysfunction of the household. While mom feels to be a large portion of the problem, each of you in the family play a role.

Letting go...... This is a challenge and probably the most difficult thing you can do.
As many of us come from extreme dysfunction, we don't grow up in that "Leave It to Beaver" household where all family relationships work and we have a network of support. Some of us adopt circles of friends to replace that network that our family cannot provide. I am by no means telling you to give up on your blood relatives, but to accept the fact that in the end they may not be able to give you what you feel you need. Try using your time to do things that are of interest to you. Try doing a new hobby that you've never done, it seems as though you need to connect with people you can talk to, if you are busy enough the traditional dysfunctional family gatherings will not seem so appealing.

I have been instructed by my psychologist to write a brief note to my mother and I have no clue what to say. It has to be positive, not negative, and not placing blame. Could y'all (sorry, I am from the South) please advise me or give me some brief examples of what you would say? My note can't be over 3-4 sentences.

Also, I have been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder and placed on some medications, which I fear taking. I know I need them, but I have so much fear right now, I am not sure if I can do it.

Any advice on any of my situation would be super.

Thanks!

[LadyX]

I wouldn't really know what to say in the note, could your psychologist give you some examples of what to say?
Why would you be afraid to try the meds...they may help you handle you life a little better. If you find they don't help after awhile...inform your Doc, and try something new. Sometimes it takes several tries before you find the meds that are right for you.

[midori]

I'm not sure what your note is supposed to convey -- are you cutting ties with your mom, at least temporarily? Or are you just alerting her to your current situation? I'll assume the latter and suggest:

Hi Mom,

I know you've been concerned about my silence and absence, I just want to let you know that I'm fine. I have some long-standing issues that I am addressing, with the help of an excellent psychologist. Some of these issues pertain to my relationships with family members, and so I need to make some space for myself until I've got a better sense of what is going on, and how I want to move forward. Don't worry, I won't drop off the radar screen entirely. But I hope you can understand and respect my wish to keep to myself for a while.

[k_rock]

I feel like you are describing my mom. It's very hard, as she sees me and my father and my grandfather and many others in her life as having mental problems, whereas it is her with the problem. If I ever suggested she seek help, her reaction would be explosive. She is very controlling, right down to the color my husband and I should paint our house, to how many times a day we water our geraniums. I don't have any advice for you, as I need some myself. I also feel guilty if I do not call her or check with her about every decision I make in my life. I have been considering getting counseling. I feel for you.

[madisonriley]

My mother is the same way. I would say we have a love/hate relationship. Mother is VERY argumentative. She is also EXTREMELY negative. She never sees the good in people...only the bad. The verbal abuse and emotional abuse still goes on today. I am 34 years old and my mother still yells at me, tells me what to do, and calls me names. One minute she's fine and the next minute she's mad as hell. When we were kids she used to hit us with wire hangers, shoes, flyswatters, anything she could get her hand on. She'd call us stupid, good-for-nothings, fat, ugly, retarded, embasils. This was on a daily basis. Mother is very controlling and she wants to dominate every single relationship she has. She is extremely overbearing and hard to like at times. It's taken me a long time to let go alot of the hate I felt for her. I would love for my mother to be my best friend. But she doesn't inspire me to want to be close to her. I love her because she's my mother and that's about it. She doesn't know how to show love. She rarely says a kind word and she doesn't give presents for b-days and such. My b-day was 5 days ago and she didn't give me anything. It's not like I expected anything anyway. My mother is a very mean person and she doesn't have many friends because she drives people away. My father on the other hand is warm and loving person. I thing if my mother would have been a better parent, I would have turned out to be a better person. I'm shy, don't like being in social settings, don't have many friends, and don't smile. I blame that on her. I live in the same town as her and work with her every day. She owns a restaurant and I work there. There's days when I come home from work feeling like crap because she's put me down in some sort of way. But while I make supper for my family, or water my trees I ration things out in my head and eventually I get over it. She'll never change...It's just a matter of learning how to deal with it and learning how to let go. I know it's not easy. I would give anything to have a mother like my husband's. But you've got to take what life throws at you and make the best of it.

It sounds so cliched but it was really nice to read all of your replies. I am only 21 and am just starting to face the fact that my mother is emotionally abusive but it feels so much better to know that I am not alone and that others have not dealt with the same issues but have overcome. I guess what is so hard for me is that in order for me to get better, I have to recognize that the problem isn't mine but hers. I'd rather it was me because then I could fix it or at least try; I wouldn't have to face the fact that my mother isn't the person I have so desperately wanted her to be for the past 21 years. But I realize now that I can't be happy if I don't do something and I'm petrified that I will end up just like her. I just feel like at times like these, the person I want and need the most is my mother who is the reason I'm here in the first place. But I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to spend most of my time anticipating her anger so that I can try my best to fix it before she gets angry but if it's not one thing, it's another. There is always something that is not good enough about me and my life. She tells me I cannot seem to deal with my life but when I think about it, I've dealt with a whole lot on my own and I am stronger then she gives me credit for. I was strong enough to survive her for 21 years. I hate that she has broken my father's spirit and made him into a miserable ghost of the happy, funny man I remember and get to see every now and then. I hate the way she has made my little brother stop trying to succeed and even try to fail. My little sister is about to turn 15 and it's her turn now. But I still love the woman she can be when she's happy. You feel like you are the luckiest person in the world because you get to be with her. She can light up a room when she walks in but then before you know it she turns and I swear I don't know her anymore. To stay sane, I've always thought of her as two completely different people. There is the mother I love and the woman I hate and when she's angry, she's ugly and malignant. She literally looks different to me. I'm so scared that it's too late.
I have a lot of trouble with relationships. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel like I deserve anyone's love, I'm not enough. I also am so scared to love someone back and be vulnerable because if I can't even trust my mom, I just couldn't handle being abandoned again. And I don't know what love looks like, my parents weren't really in love or if they were it's not the real thing anymore. My father is hollow shell of what he used to be and I just don't know if I can find something normal and good. The hardest part is that I can't let her go. I still need my mother. Is there any way to have her still in my life? How do you deal with a person like this?

I am so glad to see the this website, its good to know that i am not the only abused child in this world.

I am 25 years old, for the past 21 years my mum has abused me physically and emotionally, she disliked me since my birth. She slaps, yells, calling names on a daily basis. Many time she called me 'B*tch' and 'Dog', it hurted so much. My dad was very loving in the beginning, he spoiled me with presents and toys. But my mum was telling him to bash me and 'punish' me, since i turned to a teenager, my dad started to hit me as well, this really hurts as he was so loving before. My worse memory was once i came home late (i dreaded to go home), my mum was pushing me and yelling at the same time. She then asked my dad to hit me and slap me...

My mum had an abusive childhood herself. she was the oldest daughter and she had to take care of 4 siblings. My grandmum hit her on a daily basis. Sometime i think maybe i should forgive her as she was a victime herself, then i thought "wait a minute, she made a clear choice to hurt me". I realized that we can give sympathy to her childhood, BUT there is NO EXCUSE for her to perpetuate it !!

She also compares me and my little sister on a daily basis, as she said, 'Why can't i have another child like your sister?', or 'your sister is so much better than you', or 'I wish you were never born'. It burns down my relationship with my sister as well.

I realized that my mum is abusive and I got to stay away from this toxic person. She may never change or apologize for her behaviour. About 10 months ago, i called her and told her that I do not wish to see her again, as I am not going to accept her abusive behaviour, also I am not going to be treated as the second best compare to my sister. I've told her that she nearly torn my relationship with my sister, which is something i don't want to happen. If she thinks I am not good enough, then she will not see me for a long time. I hung up the phone while she was yelling on the other end 'but you are the bad kid', i broke down and cry.

Now i felt much more normal and happier with my mum. even though she only lives 30 mins away, i felt different, i felt i am 'me' again. I am still angry with her, but i am not going to force myself to forgive someone who would not change, i think I am happy to 'cut' the relationship with her for as long as it takes.

My advice to anyone who has abusive parents is, take a bold step to cut off the relationship, as these relationship could DESTROY you in the long run. Some people will never change, just as you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make it drink. The primary responsibilty in your life is looking after yourself, not anybody else. When they hurt you, they KNOW what they are doing, they did it coz they felt great (even only for 10 seconds).

[RowanRavyn]

It is hard to act on a relationship that is abusive, especially one as confusing as a parent child relationship. I want all of you to know that you deserve better. Please get help. Beth, keep working on you. While none of this is your fault, you are the only person in this situation that you can control. You can't change your mother, but you can protect yourself.

Peace to you all.

[Jdjudy]

[color=green][/color]
Hello,
my boyfriend ran across this forum for me and sent me the link , after reading all the postings, I felt like I was reading my own story. Well I've been taking steps and seeking help to and I found this link FULL of useful self-help books too:
http://www.controllingparents.com/
I hope this helps you guys, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face--one thing we all got to remember is it's not our fault and that our parent is being the selfish one--and perhaps try to understand ( not empathize and make excuses for why the parent is reacting this way) but always, no matter how much they hurt you learn to forgive and do every emotional breakoff out of love for the parent and yourself--anger never got anyone ,anywhere.And be thankful for the small miracles of progress, if what don't kill you makes you stronger, then this forum should be named the Olymic emoitional weight lifters !
You guys hang in there, though I know it seems impossible sometimes. Allow yourself to cry like crazy and be upset and show these emotions with friends and people you can confide in--no use to allow that toxic emotion to build in on you.WE can do it one step at a time!

[Fayebelle]

Oh wow- that site is all about me. My therapist and I touched on my mom a bit but most of our sessions trace back to my dad (absent addict committed suicide) I really knew something was up when my BF started getting mad saying he had never seen anyone treat their child like my mom treats me (controlling, manipulitive, etc...) I guess it's a bad sign when I want to forward that site to her but I'm terrified of her response.

Guess this proves we can all take a bit of heart knowing we are not alone...