How do you handle a friend that doesn't act her age

Al · 12th September 2003, 11:05 AM

Well I, as well as the rest of my girlfriends are at wits end with one of our friends. This girl just doesn't know how to act her age in public and we don't know how to deal with her anymore. The girl's story is this: She is 23 soon to be 24 years old. Over the summer her boyfriend of 5 years broke up with her (this was her first and only boyfriend) so obviously she was completely crushed. Well it just so happens that all my close girlfriends have been in long relationships that have ended in the last 2 or 3 years so we understood how this girl felt b/c we've been there. Well we listened to her when she needed us to, we gave her advise about how we got through things, etc. and thought we were doing everything right and that we were a big help since we knew the territory. Well we must have been wrong. Since this girl doesn't have the attention of her boyfriend, now ex, she seems to think she needs the attention of every other guy in the world. She goes out, drinks too much and acts childish and embarassing. We've had people ask us if she was our little sister and someone just last weekend at a camping trip guessed she was 12 years old. She gets drunk, falls all over the place, exposes herself, has touched and grabbed boyfriends of ours and we even caught her making out with a married man last weekend while camping. We brought her back to our camp site b/c we didn't want her to do anything more with this guy that she would regret once she sobered up. We have talked with her about her behavior and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. We have tried to be there for her the best that we can but it's getting to the point where we think the only way she will realize her behavior is inappropriate is if we spend less and less time with her. She's been one of my best friends since grade school and I don't want to ditch her b/c she is a good person but how can we get her to grow up?

2SidestoStories · 12th September 2003, 4:25 PM

My first inclination is to sit your friend down and ask her to really look at her behavior. Support her by letting her know you understand she's hurting. Then tell her that you're concerned about the self-destructive behavior she's chosen to partake in. Let her know you care, but that she's becoming intolerable to you because of how she's acting.

Level with her. Be honest. She's an adult.

Heidi2 · 12th September 2003, 4:29 PM

tell your friend that if he/she doesn't want to act their age, esp. in public, then I'm going to have to act as though I don't know you. Because it's quite embarasing watching people stare at us, where ever we go!

grags · 13th September 2003, 11:03 PM

Be as straightforward as possible. Tell her how ridiculous her behavior is and back it up with irrefutable evidence. Don't be accusatory or judgemental, but present your case from the perspective of the concerned friend that you are. Tell her you're concerns and let her know how at risk she is for attracting a bad element. I'm concerned that this type of self-exploitave behavior might lead to victimization. She's insecure and looking for reassurance that she isn't getting from friends and loved ones. Perhaps she needs help with a substance abuse problem. The best you can do for her is to give your honest assessment of her behavior. From what I've read, it sounds like someone has to let her know before she gets into trouble.

fisher · 22nd July 2004, 1:05 AM

My sister in law has the same problem. However she is in her mid 40s with young kids and going thru her second divorce. she attends AA meetings but slips up enough where it is a problem. Her parents have given up on her, and her sisters seem to be glad she has the problem. (sibling rivalry I guess). The whole situation puzzles me because she is a beautiful woman that would appear to have alot going for her. Any suggestions?

dudesomewhere · 22nd July 2004, 1:10 AM

it's not that she's not acting her age...she's just being skanky, lol

I don't know of any childhood or adolescent trait that would dictate this. This is behavior of someone with little to no moral fiber. Plain and simple. Childish? Nah. Loose? Yeah, that sounds about right.

swtbonita · 22nd July 2004, 2:03 AM

Your friend needs more reassureance.. she needs to know that she still has a great life to live and she shouldn't sell herself short.. tell her you understand why she is acting this way.. she thinks she has no reason to live.. (as I see it) she is trying to waste away her life.. just be there for her and don't bring her in situation where there are drinks..

just reassure her.. over and over again

simplybrill · 23rd July 2004, 1:53 PM

If whatever you guys say comes in one ear and goes out the other, then sitting her down probably wont do much

Distance yourself from this girl, when she realizes that her girls dont want to be around her anymore, it will make her have to take a look at herself and what she's been doing. You dont want to get caught looking like the idiots that excuse, and approve of her behavior by always being there to make excuses for her.

LolaLopez · 24th July 2004, 1:46 AM

I have a friend who is quite similar but she is 35 and a mom. You should see her outrageous skanky clothing. I have had to distance myself from her, while still trying to be there for her if she reaches out. However, sometimes these people become emotional bloodsuckers and you must at some point protect yourself and let them figure it out on their own. She needs to realize that her behavior may be fun at the moment but in the end does not make her happy. You can tell her this till you are blue in the face, but she will ultimately have to figure it out by experience. Hang in there.