Fiance broke up via Fed Ex

[kaycstamper]

We were engaged for a year. He called off our wedding last October, via email while I was at work, but still considered us engaged. We talked a lot that weekend, he said he wanted to give it more time to be sure since we'd fallen in love rather quickly. We spend three nights/week together at my house, every weekend, attend church together, family events, etc. We were getting along great, his kids said he always enjoyed his time with me, everything was good. He'd recently told me he saw us spending the rest of our lives together (he's 56, I'm 58).

 

His mother took a turn for the bad and was losing weight and he needed to take care of her 24/7...his kids wouldn't spell him and he'd promised her years ago he would take care of her and not put her in a nursing home. His mom refused to meet me and would not allow me over to her house. I felt it was unreasonable to expect me to never see him as it could be anywhere from two weeks to two years, there's no way to know how long this would go on. I got upset with him and he never spoke to me again, sending his cell phone back to me with a note via Fed Ex to my office (it was on my plan). His mom passed away after a couple of months and I sent him a sympathy card and that night he called me and talked for 3 1/2 hours.

 

I lost my husband to death 5 1/2 years ago so I know all about grief, and I know this isn't the time to talk relationship stuff and that right now his life is consumed with grief, taking care of details, spreading ashes, etc. It's going to take him a while to get back to normal, let alone know what he thinks and feels...I understand this, been there. He did say he "snapped" and I think he felt pulled in different directions and couldn't handle it, he was sleep deprived, existing on one hour of sleep a night.

 

I am amazed he accomplished what he did and yet I still hurt from being so excluded from his life for two months and of course I have no idea where I stand now. For now I still consider us broken up and have no idea if this can ever be mended or if it should be. I will give it time but when all is said and done, either or both of us may decide this isn't to be.

 

It's really too bad because I felt he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. He has a lot of good qualities, he's mellow, he's non-judgmental, he's funny, we fit together comfortably at home, we blend in each other's worlds well. But I feel betrayed. He felt I wasn't supportive but I supported his decision to take care of his mom, just not to the total exclusion of me. I wanted him to stand up to her and tell her I was his fiance and as such he needed to have me over for a couple hours a week...I didn't think that was too much to ask. But she was formidable and dying and I guess he didn't feel he could cross her under the circumstances.

 

He has since revealed to me that she had Multiple Personality Disorder...I hadn't known that before. I feel like we need to back way up and start again as friends and see what happens. I am having a hard time with the way he broke up with me. I understand that he was giving all of himself to his mom and for survival couldn't let himself think of anything else, it was all he could do to hold it together for her. I have been a caregiver, I know how draining, exhausting, and difficult it is. But still...

Any opinions?

Edited October 15, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Idalis]

I'm so sorry that you were treated in this way... it must be really hard. I dont really have much in the form of great advice to give other than to say.. life has challenges, there is loss & death, and thats all part of life.. it sucks but we all deal with it at some point or another...

You listed some of his qualities and they sound like a good little list but that in exchange for a potential husband that will dump you via fed ex when the going gets tough?? Thats a big risk to take..

This may not be the last loss in his life, or the last complication.. so he may run again, even if you were to go back to you previous plans of marriage.

I'm the type of person that needs certainty in my life, so I dont know if I can deal with that

[Billie The Puppet]

Well I don't know how to say be happy but he is weak to BU via FedEx

 

Do you really want a weak person? Mind you had he broken up in person it would still be bad but not as weak. Leaving you some desire.

[kaycstamper]

I have to agree with the comments here. I should add that he is an Aspie and as such, they have a difficult time with communication. Yes it's a very real consideration as life with a partner like this would be very difficult. He is such a special person, but I'm afraid to get too close or get hopes up or trust him again...for now we're just being friends, my expectation is different as such, thus easier to handle, but I was totally blown away that he would break up with me like this...it completely blindsided me

[kaycstamper]

We've been talking on the phone about every other day, but I still haven't seen him in person. I'm not sure how I feel. My trust is broken now, I don't feel the same. I still love him and care about him, but am unsure if it can ever be like it was.

 

I can't help but feel he doesn't care about me the same way I did about him, and if that's so, it would never work. I know his Asperger's affects his responses, so I know it may not mean he doesn't care, it's just his responses are different than yours or mine. But do I want to live with that for life, knowing that's how it'd be?

 

I find myself kind of back and forth in my thoughts. I still love him but am kind of leaning towards just being friends. I know the love feelings will work themselves out in time. I am still just so shocked that he treated me like this, I never would have expected it from him.

[BellaBellaBella]

Kay,

 

In your post you said you still love him, you have empathy for him. Sounds, like he did snap. It seems to me it is hard to find love in a difficult world. Why not meet as friends, build trust and see where it leads.

 

It depends on you and how much you love him.

 

Bella

[kaycstamper]

Well we are talking on the phone as friends but he still hasn't wanted to see me. We have to take it slow, he's not ready to talk relationship stuff and he's grieving and dealing with settling his mom's estate, etc., it's an arduous process and I figure he might need a year or so, I've been through grief, I know how hard it is and you aren't in your right mind or able to make good decisions when you're there.

However, my concern is that he'd do this again at some point or that there might be other issues he hasn't conveyed to me and that maybe he's used this situation as a guise to break up with me on, I don't know, I just feel he hasn't told me everything. I do know we were getting along well and he seemed to be happy with me...but he has a difficult time with communication so I don't know. I saw him building a life with his roommate but not with me, that says a lot, plus he's never done anything for me for my birthdays, etc. and that makes me feel he doesn't care about me all that much. So I'm confused about how he feels about me. I think I need to just stay back and give him time...meanwhile, I'm not engaged, not in a relationship, but I don't feel free either, I'm in limbo, a kind of neverland.

[kaycstamper]

Jim had his phone disconnected instead of getting the torn line fixed so we don't have a way to talk on the phone anymore...he called from his friend's phone for a short time.

 

I invited him up and he gave me a very immediate loud vehement NO! Wow! I didn't expect that volatile reaction esp since he told me a couple weeks ago he'd probably come up sometime. He says he won't likely ever tell me why he split up with me and he was uncertain (about our relationship), won't discuss any more than that. That's not what he'd told me a couple weeks ago, then he'd said he "snapped". There's a big difference! Anyway, I didn't think the conversation was going real well so I got off real quick, besides, I don't like burning up someone else's cell phone minutes.

 

I cried all the way home from work. I get home and he sent me an email telling me about something on t.v. ??? I don't get this guy. Don't get him at all. Nothing makes any sense, nothing goes together. I give up.

[alwayshoping]

Jim had his phone disconnected instead of getting the torn line fixed so we don't have a way to talk on the phone anymore...he called from his friend's phone for a short time.

 

I invited him up and he gave me a very immediate loud vehement NO! Wow! I didn't expect that volatile reaction esp since he told me a couple weeks ago he'd probably come up sometime. He says he won't likely ever tell me why he split up with me and he was uncertain (about our relationship), won't discuss any more than that. That's not what he'd told me a couple weeks ago, then he'd said he "snapped". There's a big difference! Anyway, I didn't think the conversation was going real well so I got off real quick, besides, I don't like burning up someone else's cell phone minutes.

 

I cried all the way home from work. I get home and he sent me an email telling me about something on t.v. ??? I don't get this guy. Don't get him at all. Nothing makes any sense, nothing goes together. I give up.

 

im so sorry you cried all the way home. I hope your feeling better?

I wanted to give you so advice but damn im a male and dont get what this guy is doing (apart from messing you around). Just leave him be. You will defo find someone better than appreciates you and actually makes sense.

 

Feel better soon x

[lalalandman]

This is a huge FML

[kaycstamper]

What is FML?

 

Yeah, I decided to let it all go, I don't need all this. He has issues, obviously. He's given me mixed messages that make it all hard to figure out. If I'd read the 12 rules beforehand I would have handled things differently but when all's said and done I don't think it'd make any real difference. It probably would have kept him in my life a bit longer but in the end, I'd still be dumped and all it would accomplish is prolonging the final agony.

 

Not interested in dating, am going to work on building female relationships and more enjoyment in my life so it's not just all about work and chores. Whether anyone comes along in the future or not seems doubtful but doesn't much matter to me either. I'm not interested in looking.

[kaycstamper]

He initiated a chat with me and invited me over to see what all he's done on his place.

 

I was real proud of myself. I held back emotionally, kept telling myself "he's not relationship material", he chattered about 2 1/4 hours, it was good to see him but I kind of look at him differently now. Still think he's cute, darn. it went well, I didn't get emotional, didn't cry during or after, didn't say I love you, and I ended the visit myself. Pat myself on the back, I followed all the rules.

 

He's talked to his exGF Stephanie, don't know when but within a couple of months I'd say, probably before he lost the landline. I just tell myself bully for them.

 

It was good to get home and see Arlie, he's bottled up full of energy.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow kudos and pats on the back to you. I don't know all your details I've only read this post, and then I stalker buttoned you and saw your synopsis of your relationships life to date - all I can say is WOW.

 

I don't know how you were able to agree to see him again so soon - major kudos to you! I am 8 weeks out and I still can't even imagine speaking to him again yet.

 

What is really intriguing to me is that over the past 8 weeks as I continue to think about him, I have begun to truly believe the he might be an undiagnosed aspie. Which of course made your post that much more compelling to me! Yes he would say hurtful things, and then initiate a conversation about something inane like a TV show (generally one I had no interest in) - it was very typical of him.

 

In fact the thought that he might be an aspie came to me when I was talking to his son, who is a very bitter, angry 25 year old father of 2 who had to grow up without a father and cannot understand why. As we were talking I tried to explain to him that his father often marches to the beat of his own drummer (didn't want to trash the man to his own kid) - and then it hit me! The man doesn't really have the same emotional responses as the rest of us.

 

Who knows?! But wouldn't that be a much more convenient excuse for him rather than what everyone told me for years - that he's a selfish so and so?

 

Meanwhile - WOOHOO FOR YOU!!! You get a seven bunny salute!

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[kaycstamper]

Curious,

Have you read much about Aspies? It helps to understand them, but keep in mind, they aren't the best relationship material, through no fault of their own. You hit in on the head when you said they march to the beat of their own drum. It's not that they don't love, but they don't know how to show it in a way we can perceive it...which of course is very important. Communication is a huge problem. Yes, what you describe sounds just like Jim too. Their brains are different. I still love Jim but I don't accept what he's done to me.

 

BTW, really cute dog! How do you get an avitar on there? I tried and couldn't figure it out.

[curiousnycgirl]

Hey KayC

 

I did NOT mean to thread jack - so apologies for that. I DID mean to show my admiration of you and how you have dealt with the challenges you have faced, and more importantly how you have remained open to love again. I've not been able to recover nearly as well, and have suffered for it.

 

I am more familiar with asperbergers in children, far less so in adults. I know several kids with it - and each is very unique their manifestations, yet there are staggering similiarities too. All are incredibly bright - as in scarily so. One is so smart that his diagnosis was very delayed, because he has been able to "fake" normal behavior!

 

Regardless it hit me the otehr day that having known my ex for the 6 years we were together, and what I know of his past - I would not be surprised if he were diagnosed at some point. Your post only reinforced my suspicion.

 

Not that I am biased, but yes I agree my pup is awfully cute. I got him from a rescue during my last break from the ex (december 1 2009 through march 2010) that picture was taken his second day home. I need to change it to a more current one. Believe it or not the lamp behind him is 5 feet tall - my boy is a mutant! And yes he is 100% golden retriever.

 

Loading an avatar is easy once you hit the right thing - go to "My profile/CP" - then the first thing in the third section down "Settings and Options" click on "Edit Avatar" and then follow the directions. Give it a try.

[kaycstamper]

Thanks, I'll try that (avitar)! You didn't threadjack. I'm curious, though, you seem to know more than I've posted here, did you google me elsewhere?

My dog is 1/2 retriever, 1/2 Husky (they call it Gorsky), I'd like to put his picture on here. I also rescued him after my divorce...it's the best move I ever made!

[curiousnycgirl]

If I seem to know more then you are reading into something - other than reading one earlier post of yours on this board - where you detailed your relationships history I promise I have NOT googled you.

 

I had NO clue your dog is a mix - it's just that everyone asks me if mine is!

[curiousnycgirl]

BTW your dog is one hell of a gorgeous looking happy pup!!!

[kaycstamper]

Thank you! I totally love my dog! His smile won me over, I saw him in the newspaper from the local animal shelter. He's VERY strong, how about yours?

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh yes mine is very strong as well - he has broken two collars to run across the street to go jump on a stranger to say hello. Scares the living poop out of folks and he just doesn't understand that he's scary! He thinks he's simply the cutest thing that G-d ever created!

 

Lord knows he tries though! On Halloween he realized that when he ran out the door to greet all the kids and they cried and screamed no that it was bad, so the next time the bell rang he brought me his leash. See he even knows he can't control himself!

 

Believe it or not I take him to hospitals and nursing homes! I prefer the hospitals to visit the kids - but wow what a challenge! He turned 2 in July so there is still hope he'll calm down - but probably not for quite some time.

 

Tell me about yours.

[kaycstamper]

I love it! He IS the cutest thing God ever created! And I'd let him jump on me. Mine too, he just gets so exuberant, and he's so social and doesn't understand why everyone doesn't just love him as much as he does them! I'd NEVER take Arlie to nursing homes or hospitals though, he'd probably cause someone to fall. Too bad we're clear across the country from each other, the dogs would LOVE to play together!

[curiousnycgirl]

Hmmmm we may just have to meet half way one day, I'm thinking ROAD TRIP! Actually I took Remy on vacation with me at the end of september, a 15.5 hour drive - he did pretty well.

 

As far as the therapeutic programs go Remy loves the attention, knows his job, respects the "must behave" collar (aka prong collar) and a little benadryl goes a looong way in a really bad pinch - actually I haven't had to resort to that but my friends have).

 

How old is Arlie?

[kaycstamper]

Sorry, I haven't been on line for a few days.

 

Arlie will be three next Valentine's day. They say he could be a puppy for up to four years but I don't see him losing much momentum.

 

Benadryl, huh? I've thought long and hard about my anti-anxiety medicine...if I knew it'd be safe for him...

 

I tried a harness, tried a choke collar (prong kid), and currently use the Halty, which seems to work somewhat...it turns their head sideways if they pull and kind of tugs at their eye so they can't see as well, it drives them nuts...they're supposed to respond by not pulling, but I'm not sure if he's figured out cause and effect yet! LOL

 

I had a Ranger with a canopy and loved taking Arlie for rides in it, but the transmission went out and something else (electrical?) so I am using my son's big old one ton Chevy (no canopy, sigh)...it's a gas hog and I miss taking Arlie for rides just for the fun of it. Lately I've been putting him in my beautiful new Civic, I stick a quilt on the back seat and he's been doing pretty good in that...but when we have the snowy season, I'm not so sure that'd work very well.

[curiousnycgirl]

Haltis work but they don't teach the dog anything - theoretically the prong collars are teaching devices, so if the darn dogs are actually paying attention then they would actually learn something! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

I take Remy almost everywhere with me, so my backseat has a fitted cover, I drive a trailblazer (yes a gas guzzler).

[kaycstamper]

I had a prong collar, he didn't learn anything and it's amazing how he could still pull against one of those! Maybe he's stubborn or a slow learner.