[toydeluxe]

I'm new here in this is my first post. I'm also at work and may cut this short......may have to right a second part later.

Well, what a weekend........first I go out of town to meet a friend and I'm bored from the moment I get there on. My girlfriend and I had some rocky spells, and were just starting to have a good week again, so I really wanted to stay with her; however, she had to work some over time all weekend.
On top of that, while out of town to ride fourwheelers with a friend, I got in an accident and my for wheeler also died on our ride.
So, to add injury to insult, I get home only to have my girlfriend tell me that she (from a previous conversation) still needed some time, and couldn't handle the stress of our relationship lately on top of the extra work she's taken on.

Now, let's backup and give you some history about all this....

We've been dating for three year and a couple months or more. It started out as an unsure thing, then it progressed into she loved me ALOT more than I loved her, but I slowly started to fall in love more and more as well.
During this beginning time, we went through alot in the early stages of our relationship. Not long after we began dating, her parents went through a struggle of a divorce. TO put it simple, they're both crazy, but her dad was mostly in the wrong.
To cut this shorter and put it simple, among other things, a big problem and factor in the divorce was the fact that he was grossly addicted to porn and was no longr showing love and effection to his wife. My girlfriend, we'll call her Sara for now, caught him looking at some of the dirty porn at an early age.....like 9 or so. It has been something that has bugged her for a long time and still does.
How, let's fast foward a year or so.....
Just after the divorce, she was in a bad situation living with her mom, and was already staing with me alot, so she moved in with me. We've been through alot before and since then......we had a roomate (a former friend of hers) and now live together by ourselves. uring most of this time, until recently, she's always been pretty happy and almost loved me more than I loved her. I only say this cause she has pushed marriage a little more than me.
Now, take a step backin the time period I talked about above....
when we still lived with the roomate, she found some porn on my PC one time that a friend had looked up. Se was infuriated, but after talking she let it go. After that, I'll admit that I had browsed around on some site myslef on and off. This went on for maybe a few more months ( we also had moved out from the other roomate during this time) until she found it for a 3rd or 4th time and was really upset. I finally broke down and told her that I had checked out some stuff on and off.....nothing gross like her dad or hardcore, just typical guys looking at hot women. I explained to her different reasons that guys look at porn, and that I was extremely different for her dad. I was looking as a typical curious and horny male; her dad was looking to completely replace it for a realationship and sex with his wife.
I also admitted that I had lied about it in the past when asked about. However, I explained that I was getting rid of it, including some stuff at work that she would have never known about unless I was honest. I wanted to do this to prove my honesty, to make a change, and to at least have a clear conscious. Afterwards, she said she understood and would try to regain trust.
It has been a more than a year, maybe two since this long talk. We've had some really good times and been mostly happy except for the last few months. During this last year or so, she still kept finding porn on my PC. Some of it was pop-ups, some of it was friends, and some of it I just flat out can't figure out. During this time period, she also developed a major habit of checking up on me by going through everything on the PC that would show any history of what I'd been looking at. She tried to hide this from me, but I'd always catch her......more times than she knows.
We had several emotional conversations after thsese incidents and I would try to explain to her that it wasn't me. She would usually belive me and then go on with life. There was finally one time that she was at my office and diggin through stuff. I could see her from a distance looking in the history folder; so I walked up and asked her why she was looking at the history. She immediately denied it, so I told her that I wanted her to be honest and that I wouldn't get mad. She still denied it.

Now, put yourself in the present, which sorta includes the last 3 months or so. We've had some deeps talks about this stuff. She say that in some ways, she doesn't even really care about the porn anymore......she say it's a matter of overall trust. She has admitted to the time I caught her above and genuinely is sorry. She also admits that she needs/wants to trus me again, but can't get herself to. She associates it some with her parents; she can't trust anyone cause she always get's hurt when she get's too close.
Now, I'll admit that I truly screwd up way back when i was really looking at stuff, and I lied, which broke her trust. However, I've done everything I can since then to fix the problem. I've completely switched systems on my computer to erase anything possible......I've spent hours upon hours trying different programs to keep out pop-ups and keep others from sending or looking at porn. I've since then, completely banned anyone from using our PC other then me and her.
Ultimately, this has turned into a big trust issue.......in some ways the porn is no longer really the issue as she says, but just trust in general.
Now, I'll explain another factor that she say is stressin her out and makng her want some time. I'll admit that I have been and still am sorta hard on her at times. I grew up in a somewhat strict home......not sheltered kind of strict, but strict at using common sense and not screwing up. I'm sorta hard on her in the same way. I kinda jump on her too much for not getting things done or slacking on other stuff. Even though slot of it has been her fault, which she admits, I shouldn't have been so hard on her. She says that when we get off the phone lately, she always feels depressed because I'll be negative and be getting on her about something.
I've really tried to correct this and have backed off alot. She say that she's even noticed this and appreciates it. However, she say that I shouldn't have to change for her so much and that I should be able to tell her how I feel.
I asked her last night if there is anybody else I should know about...........you would just have to understand how we communicate, but I can tell when she is lying, and in this type of conversation she wouldn't lie anyways.........she said no. I asked if she had any interest in any others and she said no.
The only thing that scares me in this situation is that she has a new jobright now......she's been working at a factory this summer to save some money for the next semester of med-school. She's apparently received alot of comments and people hitting on her. SHe says this has really boosted her self-esteem and made her realize that she does look good.
We talked about this, and I asked her if she needed to date other people to get it out of her system or whatever. She said she's had the urge in some ways but it's only fo a self-esteem type of thing. She say, ultimately, she loves me and really doesn't have the desire to date anyone else, kiss anyone else, have sex, or likewise. It's just sorta the "thrill-of-the-chase", I guess. Honestly, I think we've both had this feeling, but deep down, we still love each other, and still want to end up together. We've just had some really bad things happen to us that has thrown our love off track some.

I don't know what to think.........
PLEASE give me some replies on what I've said so far.....
I'll probally need to write more later.

THANKS