Ending Live-In Relationship bc He Hasn't Tried Again
I've been living with my boyfriend for a year. We knew each other for 7 months before we moved in together. He listed the reason for our move on the application as preparing for marriage.
About 5-6 months after moving in, I had a rough day. I was really upset, dealing with some issues that pre-dated him. I spent most of the day at home in tears. He took me out to a shopping center and told me he had to go to the bathroom. Actually what he did was sneak out to the jeweler's next door where he picked up a ring.
He met up with me again at the car, because I went out there since it had taken him so long in the "bathroom", I thought that something was wrong, that he was pissed at me and wanted to leave without me.
He tried to give me the ring in the car, and I told him that now was definitely NOT a good time for that. I was really hoping that it wasn't what I thought in that box.
He took me home, and he wouldn't let it die. I kept telling him no, now is not a good time, no I don't want to see what is in there, no, no, no. He opened the box and slipped the ring on my hand, which I slipped right back off and gave to him.
This whole drama definitely did not improve my mood. I had been in tears the whole day. They only stopped because I had to take him to the ER after he punched a wall and fractured his pinky.
Now it is 6 months after that, and he hasn't tried again. I've tried telling him that I don't think that he is going to marry me, but he doesn't seem to get it. He keeps saying that he does, but he's not doing anything about it.
ok, I am only going to state my opinion in this whole thing. WHY should YOU leave him? If I were him, I would have left you. He did taht to make you feel better, obvoiusly thought it would work, and you took the ring OFF your finger and gave it back to him??? No wonder he doesnt want to marry you, you rejected him in the worse way, and he doesnt want to be rejected again. He was doing what he thought he could to make you happy, to make yoru day better, and you threw it back in his face.
So if I were you, and you DO stay with him, DONT mention the idea of marraige for a LOOONG time, if ever again, becuase if you rejected him in such a way, when you were in a bad mood, why wyoulnt you again? I mean, I understand that you had a bad day, and that he was pushing the issue, but I dont think he was pushing the issue to make you mad or even angrier, he wanted to try and make you happy. Not very many guys would do such a thing for someone. If you so feel the need, then leave him, but al lin all, it sounds as if you have landed a good guy for now.
what do you want from this guy, and does he know this? you've admitted to us that his timing was off when he tried to cheer you up with an engagement ring, but he probably didn't see it that way, but as a blunt rejection of his proposal of marriage. And now you expect him to trot his heart out again because you're bugging him about getting married!
Just leave it alone and work on your communication skills with him in the meantime. If he intends to marry you, he'll pop the question when he feels the time is right, not because you're pestering him to do so. My guess is that it's going to take him a long, long time to recover from your stomping on his heart that first time.
Have you ever sat down, in a relaxed atmosphere, and clearly explained exactly why you gave him the ring back after his original proposal. I totally agree with you that his timing was awful but I have to think that his intentions were admirable.
There's a real stalemate here and it's not gonna go away until the two of you sit down and communicate your feelings about that incident...and how you both feel now.
Men can be really stupid sometimes. That's why they're from Mars!
I realize that his intentions were great, but why would he ignore me when I tried to tell him that a borderline suicidal day is not the day I want to remember him proposing to me?
We haven't really discussed it since it happened, and I guess we should. I just don't really want to re-live that, and I doubt he does.
My frustration is that every day I live with him. And every day I have to deal with the fact that he doesn't WANT to ask me to marry him.
I've tried hard to express to him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, so he knows that I wouldn't reject him again. It doesn't seem to make a difference.
Originally posted by quankanne if you are serious about wanting to marry this guy, why not pop the question yourself?
I'm the number one proponent for all sexes, genders, and creeds to take the initiative in proposing marriage, however if I were in your boyfriend's position, I would think you'd be the one responsible for any future proposals.
"I had to take him to the ER after he punched a wall and fractured his pinky."
Please tell me that he punched the wall in the line of his work, i.e., he is a drywaller or something and was working admirably with a smile on his face and sweat on his brow when this industrial accident happened. Right?
I mean, his punching the wall had nothing to do with him acting out his anger or frustration over you rejecting his proposal, did it?
As I was reading your story I was seeing your boyfriend as extremely controlling and unappealing, and this was BEFORE I read about the wallpunching incident.
If he did it out of frustration or in anger, then this is a very dangerous man as well as a controlling and insensitive one. I'll expand later when I get the wall punching information cleared up.
Meanwhile, think about this: Just because someone is doing something that is superficially romantic, that doesn't mean he is sensitive or caring. While most of the time a marriage proposal IS INDEED a gesture of love and commitment, it can also be a gesture of control -- in your case he was trying to control your emotions by denying them expression and by placing his "save the day" agenda before yours. As you say, this was NOT the time to express his commitment to you. And THEN he was so pushy, pushy, pushy. Man, this guy can't accept the fact that he is not always in the driver's seat -- even over someone else' feelings. This guy's ability to empathize is zilch, and I wouldn't like that in anyone.
even more concerns from me once you tell me why he punched the wall.
He does sound extremely controlling and manipulative, not to mention someone who sounds like he has a problem controlling his anger/disappointment/things not going his way (punching hole in the wall).
So maybe his intentions were good, proposing to you..maybe he thought that doing so would put you out of your funk that day.....but a wise man would have realized from the start that that really wasn't the day to propose marriage...and then, he wouldn't have pushed the crap out of you (figuratively) to accept like he did. That's bent.
Now, although I could be wrong, it seems like he's trying "punish you".....because you rejected his proposal........and his form of punishment is to never bring up the subject of marriage again. And of course you feel horrible. It's passive-aggressive on his part.
I'd advise you to step back and take a really hard look at this situation here. In addition, the fact that you 2 have never even discussed what took place that day/night, that doesn't say much for your level of communication as a couple..and communication has GOT to be there for a marriage to work.
So has he ever spazzed out before and punched things? Busted things? Become physically aggressive when things didn't go his way?
Has he ever hit you? Pushed you? Verbally abused you????
I brought up the subject to him last night. He promised me that he still wanted to marry me, and had every intention of doing so when he felt his life was more settled. (We are moving at the end of this month to a house that will be our last rental until we purchase a house. Also, by the end of the month, he will have found out what is happening with his job: if he is being promoted or not, and to where.)
Honestly, I've had too many things not go right for me in my life to actually believe him, but it seems like he has good intentions. For the mean time, anyway, I have decided to hang in there.
About concerns about him acting out: it was the ONLY time I have ever seen him become physical, and we've been together for 18 months. I now know that he was incredibly frustrated with himself after realizing that it was definitely NOT the right time for a proposal.
I have a father who was physically abusive. We have no contact. I have an ex who hit me ONE time. We have no contact, AND a restraining order against him. Both of these individuals were highly physically reactive to....well, everything. Thankfully, my man would NEVER hit a woman. He won't even hit the dogs!
But thanks for your concern. I wish someone would have pointed out the overreactions to me in my last relationship.
Welll, I am glad that you have the sense to stay away from abusive ralationships of any kind, most people, wel, I am sure you know the story.. Sorry I came across harsh last time, but I will admit taht when I read it, I thought, that bitch, becuase I would DIE if my boyfreind proposed to me(think he is going to eventually, just wish he would get his ass in gear). But it also sounds as if things are going a little bit better for you two as well. Though I cant say I blame him for punching a wall, I probably would have done the same thing. So at least things are going to turn out the way you want them to. Best of luck to you
People used to think that hitting the wall, a pillow, the floor, etc. was a safe, effective way to release pent up frustrations.
Now they realize that it is actually a dangerous way to express anger and frustration, because it often leads to more (not less) agression.
Therapists used to teach their clients to hit objects to "get it all out of their system," as a form of catharsis. They used to teach emotionally repressed kids to hit dolls or stuffed animals to express themselves.
But do you know what the researchers later found? That this therapy only served to lower the bar in terms of how much aggression was acceptable to these clients. The clients actually got to like the "high" that they felt from the adrenaline rush of their big fat physical release.
And sadly, over time, these clients became more and more violent at home in order to get their adrenaline rush. And the passive, quiet kids who were taught to hit dolls and stuffed animals in therapy? They soon became playground bullies.
Anyone with experience with wife beaters will tell you that the abuse often started out with their partner just hitting the wall, but then the violence gets worse (not better) over time.
Another thing that researchers found is that men who are violent become even MORE violent if people start talking to them about their emotions, and their weaknesses. So much so that the American Psychological Association has put the stops on any emotion focussed therapy for wife beaters -- because these guys would just go home and beat up their wives after the therapists exposed their insecurities in therapy.
Bottom line: Not only is your guy controlling and can't take rejection, but he is potentially dangerous. Chances are that he will become more violent over time, and he will direct his violence directly against you . You are on a path with him that will likely cause you harm. Instead of his finger being broken, one day it could be your finger, your arm, your nose, your skull.
Get out of this man's life. And if you won't do that, be careful to never get emotional with him or expose his weaknesses. Behaving like that will only put you in harms way.
Anyone with experience with wife beaters will tell you that the abuse often started out with their partner just hitting the wall, but then the violence gets worse (not better) over time.
I'm 35, was in a very abusive marriage that ended when I had him charged w/ assault and unlawful confinement (divorced for 9 yrs now).
He was seemingly the greatest things since sliced bread when I first met him/started dating him (he was 26, I was 24). His abusive tendencies started out very subtly. The first time he 'flipped out' was after a night at the bar, he came home and was fit to be tied, cursing up a storm about some guy at the bar who p*ssed him off (it sounded very insanely insignificant to me)...then started trashing this guy's ethnic background and all people of that race. Next thing you know, he was punching the living crap out of the bathroom door.....and his fist actually went THROUGH IT, several times (hollow wooden door). This should have been a bigger red flag than it was. I naively attributed this 'stunt' to him being one of those people who got nasty when he drank.
He was not one to handle things NOT going his way..his motto was "my way or the highway." And he meant it.
Over time, it turned to belitting me, degrading me, humiliating me, insulting me, poking fun at me. Then it turned to calling me nasty names for no reason.
Then shortly after we got engaged, that was the first time he laid his hands on me: tried to choke me because I wanted to go out for a drink (to a quiet lounge with his best friend's girlfriend) and he told me that if I left the house to never come back. I told him to get real, that he didn't own or control me.......I then remember him ripping my engagement ring off my finger (forcefully), tossing it, then his hands around my throat.
He was a charming guy, so funny, everyone loved him. However, unbeknownst to me (being a newcomer to this small town), he had quite a history of being abusive with women.
Of course, it ended up leading to lots of physical abuse......
To the gal who originall posted: remember, abuse always starts off somewhere...with just "one time" they flip out. Then it almost always escalates.
I grew up in a very abusive home (my mom) and I think a lot of my childhood and what I endured in it, is what caused me to put blinders on to my ex's ever increasing anger problem/abusive behavior. You had an abusive ex, and Dad.....so be careful that you don't brush off your current guy's "one time incident" like I did.
Thanks everyone for your advice on abusive relationships. I hope that others can take advantage of our experiences.
My man has never touched me, EVER. He never will. It's one of the things that he stands for most strongly. Mistreating a woman is something that his father observed his father (my man's grandfather) doing, and vowed never to do, and to instill in his sons never to do.
My ex, on the other hand, was frequently angry, and frequently destroyed things as a result of his anger. He would slam his hand on whatever was nearby. He would throw a glass against the wall. He would break small appliances. He destroyed my laser printer. He pushed me around when he was drunk once or twice before the incident that left me with stitches in my head and a PFA against him. Bastard.
My point is that if someone has difficulty in controlling his or her (it isn't just men!) anger, they will manifest it fairly regularly. In the beginning, you will think, well, it's just ripping up a card. It's just an alarm clock or a phone. It;s just a computer. But if they cannot manage to prevent those small outbursts, they definitely can't prevent the large ones.
If you see this kind of behavior happen, and you will see it on a regular basis, at least monthly, if not more frequently, the person has a problem and you should GET OUT OF THERE!!!!
My man now has never so much as ripped up a piece of paper in anger. I have seen him get very quiet, I have seen him go for a ride in the car, I have seen him cry, but I have never seen any physical manifestation of ANY kind. He has never been verbally abusive. I have no concerns about that.
I don't worry, either, about him being manipulative. We have discussed the situation thoroughly, and it is clear to me that he was very frustrated about messing up something so important to both of us.
What I AM worried about is if he really intends to spend the rest of his life with me. He tells me every night that that is what he wants, but... I have doubts.
I don't want to waste either of our time if this isn't going anywhere. Do you think that there is a reason that he would tell me so much that he wants to marry me if he doesn't? Or is this just me and my issues?
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Ending Live-In Relationship bc He Hasn't Tried Again
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