[diegochick]

I could REALLY use some good advice. Im sorry if this is long, but its very complicated.

I am a 24yr old female. I was married when I was 19, and had a child when I was 20. The marriage was a mistake, we were in it for the wrong reasons, and we both realized that after our son was born. We were able to split (only married 1 yr) and remain ' friends', for our sons sake. (dispite what he put me through) While in the seperation process with my childs father, I was an emotional wreck. He was very verbally abusive, and just dug me into the ground.

Around that time I ran into a man I had dated while I was in HS. I really had feelings for him back then, but he was in the military and moved away so we lost contact. Well I found out that he was stationed back in my hometown. We IMEDIATELLY started dating (I realize now, this was a mistake) I *think* I fooled myself into believing it was meant to be because we dated years ago and now he was back. Anyway he was so kind to me. At this point my self esteem was so low, that I literally clung to his every kind word. I found happiness in him (also a mistake) He came into my life, accepted all my drama and my child so I thought I was lucky. Eventually we got married.

We are going on our 3rd year. Since he is in the military and gone 90% of the time we lived at home for our first year of marriage. When we finally moved out and got a place of our own...things started chaning. He is a HEAVY drinker. Yes I would classify him as an alcoholic, but he NEVER abused me or my son in any way, he just likes to drink. He would come home, and sit down with his beer and ask me to leave him alone until he has a few drinks. When I cooked dinner, he rarely ate it, or even acknowledged that I cooked for him.

When something (like the drinking) was bothering me...I would ask if we could talk about it and his answer was always NO. Even when I would insist that we need to talk, he would leave. Also, he is depressed about SO many things. He dwells on the fact that he had a bad childhood, but he never wants to talk about it, he just throws it in my face when he can. Even though he is the father figure to my son...we fight about how to raise him. He believes in spanking and I dont..ect ect. So you can see...its not that he is a bad man by any means...he is just so emotinally shut out that he makes it HARD to be married to him.

After we got our place I ALWAYS felt like I was facing every task ALONE.
So he left for 6 months (military) and I moved back home so we could save money. Also..I started working a second job to pass the time and make extra $$.

I hate admitting this part, but I need to. While I was at work (2nd job) I meet someone else. I was NOT looking for it, it just happened. There has been no sex invloved, but we did kiss once. After that I told him it was wrong, and no more. After we talked...I just realized that there are men out there that are so caring and sensitive and they there are people who DO care about things that happen in day to day life.

I really spent some time with him and realized that my relationship with my husband is not normal. Most married people DO talk and face things together...not alone. The thing is...I LOVE my husband very much. But I just feel like we may not be compatable, because he openely says that he will never change and he is NOT willing to go to counsling. So now I am faced with a decision??

Do I stay, admit to him what happened with this other guy, try to repair the mistake I made and make the best of our marriage. I know it would be better for my son, because I hate to confuse him and take away his daddy. Also I am scared of walking away from someone that I love???
or do I leave and accept the fact that you CANT help someone who doesnt want to be helped. Try and find happiness from withing and move on???

I know that my husband will forgive the mistake I made in kissing that other guy, but I dont know if he would ever let me live it down. I KNOW that it was WRONG. I was and still am confused and I had a weak moment. Please dont judge me on my morals...I already know I was wrong. and I am NOT considering leaving my husband for this other person. I rarely ever talk to him anymore. He just made me realize that there is life beyond what I knew, and also that I could find happiness alone.

I am just seeking advice if I should move on or stay and try to make this work.

Thanks

[Tony T]

You're married to a drunk who says he'll never change. So how are you proposing to make this better all by yourself???

He may be addicted to booze but you are addicted to men. You just can't seem to be by yourself for a while and sort your life out. You fall for men at times when you are lonely, confused and vulnerable. If you continue doing that you will have failed relationships until you die. The men you have married thus far have been great in the beginning and things have gone to hell. It seems like you would learn from history.

You need to get out of your current marriage because it will go nowhere and ultimately do more damage than good to your child. Why don't you just move out on your own for a while...and then start seeing this new guy after you are emotionally strong and healthy and not eager to rush into anything. How about introducing a totally new concept into your life...date around and find someone who REALLY turns you on with his kindness and common interests.

If you keep diving into one marriage after another, you will be condemned to unhappiness all the days of your life. Yep, they all look good at first. You have to be very settled in your mind and emotionally stable so you don't fall in love out of vulnerability or need but out of a genuine interest in a real person.

Just some thoughts. Do what you want. I want you to be happy but, as Albert Einstein used to say: Insanity is doing something the same way each time but expecting a different result. Think about it.

[flower]

"Insanity is doing something the same way each time but expecting a different result" - wow! I love this sensible quote. You have to be level-headed to know you are committing this folly. Kindness and things that your man do that you would also enjoy helps in a happy marriage. It can be as simple as your man may like to make cocktails and you enjoy drinking. Does trekking and photography and you don't mind being the model. If he spends on audio stuff, you don't mind as you appreciate good quality music too else you compromise. So, you must be able to stand on your own and know the type of man that would bring you happiness. Just my 2 cents worth of thought!

[diegochick]

Thank you for the replies

Tony: Your post really touched me. You are right, I know that I need to find happiness in myself and not men. I have known for a while that I was falling into a pattern very similar to my mother. She always HAS to have a man in her life. Even if he is no good for her. I want to change this while I can. For both my sake and my sons sake.

I'm going to tell my husband the truth about what happened and tell him that I want to move on. Bottom line, its not his fault. I should have took the time to get to know him before I married him. Its me...I need some ME time. I need time to do the things that make me happy.

Tony, I am going to print your post. I know I need to follow my own heart, but you really hit home with what you said.

Thanks a million

[NEONINK]

Why must you tell your husband you kissed another man?

It's not like you ran off to a motel with the guy. Are you trying to get him jealous? Are you trying to pull some strings?

I think the fact you he is an emotionally shutdown, depressed alcoholic that will not seek help is reason to leave. You don't need to kiss another man to do that.

[diegochick]

You are right...maybe I should not tell him about the kiss, maybe it would make things worse. But on the other hand.... I feel like I should tell him because I cheated on him, and if he cheated on me...I would want to know about it. The old saying...if it doesnt come out in the wash, it will come out in the rinse. Later he may find out and try to use it against me.
I dunno???

Leaving is going to be hard for me anyway I say or do it...mainly because my husband never did any one thing to make me hate him. I just know in my heart that we will never work and that is why I am leaving. He needs to find himself, and resolve his problems, just as I do.

Anyway..I am have to tell him via email (I hate that) but he is out to sea and that is the only contact we have right now. So Im gonna send off the email tonight from home.

Wish me luck

[EnigmaXOXO]

Diegochick,

I fully agree with Tony's answer to your post.

But a "Dear John" letter?

Wouldn't it best to wait until he comes home and you can discuss this with him face to face?... It would give you time to gather your thoughts.

Are you afraid to speak to him about this in person for some reason?

[diegochick]

I know that a Dear John letter is weak, and all together not nice, but I feel like if I tell him face to face, he is going to try and talk me out of it and I will give into him.
Plus I think that he would like to know what to expect so he can make arrangments on where he is going to stay and stuff