I am sick of thinking of my ex. I am sick of trying to even trying to explain it. She is gone from my life for good but managed to move just blocks away with her new BF and now she is going to have a kid. I am pissed because I was cheated on and lied to. The problem for me is that I loved her much more than she knew I guess,and now, 8 months later, it has turned into a toxic mix of hate and love and regret and loneliness and a huge sense of loss and feeling like I failed to keep someone I really cared for from looking for something better. This was compounded by the fact that I had a hard time when my business faltered and then closed and I depended on her after this. I couldn't figure out what was next and this contributed to the stress on the relationship, but I had supported her in similar circumstances. I have a lot of guilt about that part.
Often I am really, really pissed at her betrayal and still shocked a bit after all this time that our relationship got so destroyed. I guess it is that the person I cared for the most decided to really not care about me, a concious choice to screw around, a conscious choice to not care how much damage she inflicted on me. When someone treats you like that, the love has died. Why should I have anything but indifference for her? But that doesn't cover the swirling clusterf™¢˚ of feelings. Admittedly, this has all calmed down a bit, but all of the sudden the jealousy and love and hate and anger and sad disappointment will come swirling up with a vengeance. It's crazy. I should handle loss better than this.
Moving on like a glacier? I like that. Dont forget, glaciers may be slow, but they carve out valleys in their wake. Immense power. Thats positive!
I feel what you are feeling, exactly. I am 6 months down the line but you have described my feelings too. I'm sorry your ex is pregnant too, that is rough.
When you say that you are feeling a "toxic mix of hate and love and regret and loneliness and a huge sense of loss and feeling like I failed to keep someone I really cared for" it is totally true.
Sorry also that your ex left you for someone else. My ex didnt leave me for someone else, she just left. But the feelings are just the same.
Everything has snuck up on me again and hit me right between the eyes. What I don't understand is why is this really, really kicking my ass all of the sudden again. I don't see any particular trigger for this, yet all of the sudden I am very affected by the ex again even though I haven't spoken to her in months. This has really got to me again.
Location: My own head but trying to find a new place to dwell
Posts: 2,677
Quote:
Originally Posted by BW007
I failed to keep someone I really cared for from looking for something better.
I think she failed you. And if she was still aroundhaving that child with you, she would fail you and the child. For when the stress of a family got to her, she go cheat.
It sucks, but your days will get better and she is not the type you will want to share those better days with.
__________________
"There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do"-Xena the Buddhist Monk Warrior Princess
Location: My own head but trying to find a new place to dwell
Posts: 2,677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boundary Problem
loneliness? it is sat night.
Weekend are difficult too much time alone to think.
But if you really feel like your never going to get laid again, just head out to the nearby Wal-Mart. Walk the aisles, take a good look at all those people shopping, and remind yourself, if these people can get a little something-something, then you have no worries.
I cannot add to what has been said already, except to say that you write very well indeed. The way you express your emotions. It is almost poetic. I agree with Boundary, a creative outlet can help so much, and you write so well...so maybe writing? But you have probably done that anyway. She has failed you and would have continued to fail you. You will be fine..
((((hugs))))
Wow. Really? Thank you that was a very nice compliment. I never know if my writing is communicating what I am feeling to other people really. I agree that the creative outlet helps, I am a songwriter and photographer but these outlets have been deadened in the breakup. I would like to write but I have to get my self esteem back up a bit. But thank you.
I am sick of thinking of my ex. I am sick of trying to even trying to explain it. She is gone from my life for good but managed to move just blocks away with her new BF and now she is going to have a kid. I am pissed because I was cheated on and lied to. The problem for me is that I loved her much more than she knew I guess,and now, 8 months later, it has turned into a toxic mix of hate and love and regret and loneliness and a huge sense of loss and feeling like I failed to keep someone I really cared for from looking for something better. This was compounded by the fact that I had a hard time when my business faltered and then closed and I depended on her after this. I couldn't figure out what was next and this contributed to the stress on the relationship, but I had supported her in similar circumstances. I have a lot of guilt about that part.
Often I am really, really pissed at her betrayal and still shocked a bit after all this time that our relationship got so destroyed. I guess it is that the person I cared for the most decided to really not care about me, a concious choice to screw around, a conscious choice to not care how much damage she inflicted on me. When someone treats you like that, the love has died. Why should I have anything but indifference for her? But that doesn't cover the swirling clusterf™¢˚ of feelings. Admittedly, this has all calmed down a bit, but all of the sudden the jealousy and love and hate and anger and sad disappointment will come swirling up with a vengeance. It's crazy. I should handle loss better than this.
lol, that is what recovery feels like. Your addiction of being with her is getting out of your system. Some girls don't think straight and will do stuff like that without thinking of the consequences. I feel that if you don't love someone in a relationship, then get out before you hurt them anymore. Stay strong man, move on, go meet new girls or whatever. I know it's hard to do but it's what you have to do. Trust me when I was dancing and partying with other girls, I never think of my ex and it's great. I just hope she is having fun with her new boytoy who is an absolute tool and has nothing on me except for money. He is ugly, a prep, who I could literally kick the crap out of any day of the week. I hope she finds true love in that little chipmunk. I treated her better than I could have treated anyone else. Life is to short to dwell man, go meet some other girls.
Thebob
__________________
~Stay strong and everything will be great~
BW, it helps to look inside of you and separate pride/ego from caring. Once you've done this, what you're left with are smaller, bite size pieces. First, attack pride/ego. Get rid of it since all it does is to hurt you more. Next, attack caring. Caring for someone who doesn't care about you, only holds the pain inside of you, for much, much longer.
You are a survivor,i've been left for someone else but it was an LDR,he found someone closer to his continent. I couldnt imagine living in the same state as anyone who'd ditch me like that,let alone the same block.
Tell yourself her loss and what comes around goes around,what she did will be done to her,thats how i see it.
Last edited by selena_cat; 23rd November 2009 at 12:38 AM..
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