Do you all have any suggestions for how to turn off emotional/affective responses to certain individuals whom you don't want to have an emotional/affective response toward?
By emotional/affective response, I mean an involuntary psychological and/or physiological response to a particular person? So, for example, you see someone and you automatically feel aroused by him/her? Or, as a counter-example, you see someone, and you have an automatic dislike of that person that may even make you physically ill?
My situation, for reference, is the former. I swear, I can't get over this damn professor--I'm sure most of you are up-to-date with the story. Anyway, I hadn't been in his class in a week, and in that week, I was completely unphased by my attraction to him. Gladly, I thought I was over him.
LOL, I see him today in class, and I'll be damned if I didn't fall right back into the infatuation.
So stupid. Is there a method--some stoic method, perhaps--that alleviates said problem? I'm about ready to go into his office and tell him how I feel, so that he'll reject me and I can get over this! I've never been so irrational...
Anyway, in answering my question, you don't necessarily have to take my particular situation into account, but just consider the original two unbiased examples.
UGH!
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Last edited by always_searching; 19th November 2009 at 11:08 PM..
I've never been able to 'turn off' any particular emotional response, but learned in MC how to 'accept' that response as natural and normal and to process it intellectually based on whatever boundaries I have established. If the response is deemed inappropriate, I process it that way, accepting that I feel it. IOW, I create a positive chain of events within my psyche, acknowledging that the boundary is a positive and good thing.
So, if I get a 'crush' or attraction on someone I know well but who is unavailable, like married, I accept the feelings as positive and process the boundary (inappropriate to fraternize with married friends) as positive and see the results as feeling great to be alive and be able to having such feelings. I use that energy to offer support and love to those I care about.
Probably not the answer you were looking for nor will hear from anyone else, but there ya go
Probably not the answer you were looking for or will hear from anyone else, but there ya go
Oh, I'm not looking to hear any particular response.
That's a really good way of utilizing your feelings for the betterment of others/yourself.
Haha, unfortunately, I'm having trouble controlling the feelings at all--to get rid of, OR channel to some other use.
I've had crushes before, but I've really never felt an uncontrollable urge to jump someone before! Hahaha, it's so troubling. The only way I'm able to control it at all is via prayer.
LOL, yes, I grab my crucifix (necklace) in class, close my eyes, and start reciting the Lord's prayer (in my head)...right in the middle of class. I'm sure I look like a nut-job, but it's the only way I pull myself out of whatever bizarre heat I get in whenever he's around.
I'm starting to believe this whole pheromone argument--that some people just make us crazy aroused, because there's really no logical reason for it. I mean, he's not gorgeous, nor is he necessarily vastly more intelligent than other professors I've had (though, he is one of the most interesting, and, yes, he is really intelligent); yet, here I am uncontrollably attracted to him.
Haha, it is kind of funny the way the body responds to certain stimuli. All he has to do is speak and I am...well, I won't go into that...
Sure, I understand. Having shared much intimacy with married and single female friends over the years, I find myself, as I'm sure many men do, dealing with feelings of arousal and attraction.
I'm practicing it right now with as varied a group as my best friend's wife, a couple of ladies I've known for quite a long time and a particular nurse at my mom's nursing home. Simply, I accept that their presence and aura will affect me. I don't 'fight' it. I just process it as inappropriate or bad timing, as applicable. IMO, being able to see beyond oneself and one's 'wants', which is essentially what attraction is, allows one to use that energy positively and to feel fulfilled in a different way. To me, it is a taming of the ego. I definitely think it's not for everyone, but it sure has brought a lot of positive people into my life over the years. I never thought of it that way when younger, so maybe it's an age thing, IDK.
I like the prayer idea. I'll give that a try. Thanks
always searching, you believe in logic so let's try that approach. Are you enjoying your crush? Does it bring positive energy into your life or is it detrimental to what you want to accomplish?
LOL, well, good luck with the prayer--it's not working as effectively as I'd like. Perhaps I'm just not praying hard enough, or I'm just not opening myself up enough to God's grace.
So, give me an example of how this works: you go to the nursing home, for example, see the nurse, get aroused/attracted, realize it's bad timing...and then what? The feelings just dissipate? Or do they alter into some other kind of feeling/energy? If the latter, what feeling/energy would that be?
TBF,
Girl, you know it's detrimental! LOL, that's why I need to turn it off, but logic isn't doing much to stop my initial response(s). Logically, I know it's bad for me and I want it to stop, but that doesn't amount to a hill of beans in actually stopping the initial emotional response...
I'll just take a whip to class and thrash the hell out of myself when he comes into the room! If I start associating his presence with intense pain, I'm sure the attraction will fade...
Nah, I think you're enjoying it which is why you don't want it to stop. Crushes can give you a kick start, when you're bored, stressed, etc. But couldn't you have picked a harmless student?
Nah, I think you're enjoying it which is why you don't want it to stop. Crushes can give you a kick start, when you're bored, stressed, etc. But couldn't you have picked a harmless student?
Hahaha, well, my BODY enjoys it. My mind on the other hand...not so much. It's really hard to concentrate on things I need to get done when I can only think about gett'n busy. It's even harder to pay attention in class, when I start thinking about sex; particularly, that studies have shown that men think about it a number of times within an hour and the class is an hour and fifteen minutes. Hahaha, so I start wondering if his fleeting sexual thought is in sync with mine!
So, give me an example of how this works: you go to the nursing home, for example, see the nurse, get aroused/attracted, realize it's bad timing...and then what? The feelings just dissipate?
I accept the positive energy of the moment and enjoy it. She's my mom's charge nurse and we have a fair amount of contact. She looks deeply into my eyes and tends to linger, where the other nurses are customarily brief, professional and distant. Since I know I'm not going to be dating or fraternizing with women in a romantic way until I'm divorced and substantially healed from the normal emotions of divorce, I just accept that dynamic and remain friendly and appreciative for her level of care towards my mother. I talked with her a couple of times on the phone just this afternoon. Normal stuff.
I learned a lot of this stuff from the processing of my EA with the female friend I write about in my journals. That was a really intense and really inappropriate attachment which lasted a couple of decades. Kinda imagine the dynamic you have going on with your professor lasting for 20+ years. I wore my knees and my rosary out
Sure, I understand. Having shared much intimacy with married and single female friends over the years, I find myself, as I'm sure many men do, dealing with feelings of arousal and attraction.
I'm practicing it right now with as varied a group as my best friend's wife, a couple of ladies I've known for quite a long time and a particular nurse at my mom's nursing home. Simply, I accept that their presence and aura will affect me. I don't 'fight' it. I just process it as inappropriate or bad timing, as applicable. IMO, being able to see beyond oneself and one's 'wants', which is essentially what attraction is, allows one to use that energy positively and to feel fulfilled in a different way. To me, it is a taming of the ego. I definitely think it's not for everyone, but it sure has brought a lot of positive people into my life over the years. I never thought of it that way when younger, so maybe it's an age thing, IDK.
I like the prayer idea. I'll give that a try. Thanks
You have a crush on your best firneds wife? oofa thats gotta be tough
My best friends wives im real close with and are attractive but theyre like my sisters i just wont let my mind go there..
No one can control his or her thoughts an feelings. Expecting to be able to do so is unrealistic. All you can do is control your actions. As long as you behave in a way you think is appropriate, don't worry about what you're feeling inside. You are allowed to have feelings.
No, not a crush, but attraction based on many years of intimacy. I'm used to it. We are like brother and sister and have similar personalities. This is why people have boundaries. You see it a lot here on LS, when boundaries are crossed and inappropriate attachments form.
Most men, like yourself, think linearly, based on what your penis (meaning your hormonal brain chemistry) tells you. I don't function like that. That's why I'm giving the OP alternative methods of dealing with her dynamic. She can try them, or not. I hope she finds something which gives her peace and satisfaction
No, not a crush, but attraction based on many years of intimacy. I'm used to it. We are like brother and sister and have similar personalities. This is why people have boundaries. You see it a lot here on LS, when boundaries are crossed and inappropriate attachments form.
Most men, like yourself, think linearly, based on what your penis (meaning your hormonal brain chemistry) tells you. I don't function like that. That's why I'm giving the OP alternative methods of dealing with her dynamic. She can try them, or not. I hope she finds something which gives her peace and satisfaction
lol i hear you..I always try to keep a healthy distance from my best friends women..As i said i get along great with them but never try to get to close to where i maybe talking to them in a convo one on one for too long or something just becasue i dont want to give out the wrong vibe to my friend
They know id never try to do anyhting but its just a sign of respect
LOL, well how many guys do you know that tell each other they love each other in front of other people? That's the kind of best friend I have. He loved my stbx like a member of his family and I hope they remain close, even as we get divorced. Good friends are hard to find.
Something which might help the OP is, when I sense anything inappropriate, even within my own psyche, I bring H into it, refocusing on the priority of their relationship. His W is something of an empath and has really turned up the volume since my stbx and I split up. She's been a shining example of healthy love and has sterling taste in cats (see my album).
The OP, OTOH, appears to have strong attraction to a particular professor, but I don't know if she knows him well and has developed any intimacy or familiarity with him. I've had those strong sexual attractions before and generally they go away once contact ends. If the person is unattached, I certainly would show interest (again, this is a male perspective) but understand that she may not wish to be vulnerable in that way. To me, showing interest and accepting the response, if negative, did wonders to evaporate that attraction as I discovered it was not meaningful or mutual. It is the single quickest way back to a neutral emotional state. Unrequited attraction sucks
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LOL, that's why I need to turn it off, but logic isn't doing much to stop my initial response(s). Logically, I know it's bad for me and I want it to stop, but that doesn't amount to a hill of beans in actually stopping the initial emotional response...
Linear Mode
