my BF and her have joint custody, they split the week and share a sitter so i understand they will need to talk, but every day some times multiple times a day. There always seem to be issues with babysitters etc., and i think its kind of rude of him. i already have to accept she will be in his and my life as long as they have minor children and thats fine, but it seams excessive and i dont know how to broach the topic.
Oh, the joys of dating a man with children. How long have you been dating him, justme? You do realize - these children and their mother have been in his life longer than you have, right?
IMO, it's not something you just jump in and tell a man - how to handle his children. You knew he had children when you first starting dating him. You knew they weren't yours - meaning another woman will be in his life for pretty much the rest of his life. If that's not something you can live with, then maybe a man without children would be a better fit. I really don't think you deserve to be making demands like that when you're not even engaged/married to this man.
considering they were married when i was in middle school yeah i get that they were there first. i just dont know how to tell if she is meddling too much, because i dont have children and dont have an ex husband. i was looking for someone who is in my position who may know what is appropriate. i like the children and do not want to be their mom, i have no desire to be their mom they have one, i just dont know how much talking on the phone etc is too much.
i was looking for someone who is in my position who may know what is appropriate.
I was married to a man for 4 years that had 5 children from his marriage just before ours. Does that qualify me, or no? I'm not sure what you consider equivalent to your situation. I also most recently dated a guy that is the primary for 3 children.
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Originally Posted by justme2781
i just dont know how to tell if she is meddling too much, because i dont have children and dont have an ex husband.
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Originally Posted by justme2781
i just dont know how much talking on the phone etc is too much.
Can you help me, here? Meddling in what? Just the children's lives or yours? (I'm not trying to be a smartass, I'm being serious.)
Have you asked him if the frequency was the same before you two started dating? How long have you guys been dating? Does she stick to the topic at hand (the children), or does she try to branch into other topics to keep him on the phone? Does he seem annoyed at all at the frequency? Who initiates the majority of the contact - him or her?
If you can't handle it, move on. He's got kids. They aren't yours. The ex and him will talk. It's not rude.
And don't give me the "I was asking for someone who's been in this situation blah blah blah crap" Because I'm a product of a divorced family where the Dad went with the new women and met her demands and let me tell you - it's no good for the kids.
My XH and I used to talk a lot when our son was younger and during the first year or two post-D. We don't talk as often, but son has his own phone and deals with his dad on his own a lot more than he used to.
If my XH's GF had gotten mad that we were talking about our kids, then it would probably tick me off as a mother. If your BF is divorced and if he seems committed to you and to your R, then why the angst about them talking? His XW has a BF, so it is doubtful that she wants him back - but, to be honest (and knowing that women can have a catty side - ha!) - if you are acting all irritated when they talk, then she may talk more than she needs to, just to show the new kid on the block (that's you) that she has some power/pull still with your BF.
I had that initial response because that first responder didnt answer my question. I think it IS rude when she calls every day that she has the kids and there is no emergency. They are not babies, they are 8 and 11 and while i think they need to maintain a good relationship for the kids i think she takes advantage of his generosity and it irks me. i dont want to tell him what to do, because it is a sticky situation but i wanted to know what is normal. it has nothing to do with my time with the kids, they are good kids and i do not pretend or want to pretend they are my kids. i do think i can have a say on how much he talks to his ex wife when he does not have the kids especially for trivial stuff.
If you can't handle it, move on. He's got kids. They aren't yours. The ex and him will talk. It's not rude.
And don't give me the "I was asking for someone who's been in this situation blah blah blah crap" Because I'm a product of a divorced family where the Dad went with the new women and met her demands and let me tell you - it's no good for the kids.
I dont demand anything of my boyfriend, expecially when it deals with the kids. i feel awful for them and would not do or say anything that would make any of this harder on them. i do think there is a line and i want to know if she crossed it. Perhaps a forum of strangers isnt the best place i was hoping there might be women or men in my position.
My XH and I used to talk a lot when our son was younger and during the first year or two post-D. We don't talk as often, but son has his own phone and deals with his dad on his own a lot more than he used to.
If my XH's GF had gotten mad that we were talking about our kids, then it would probably tick me off as a mother. If your BF is divorced and if he seems committed to you and to your R, then why the angst about them talking? His XW has a BF, so it is doubtful that she wants him back - but, to be honest (and knowing that women can have a catty side - ha!) - if you are acting all irritated when they talk, then she may talk more than she needs to, just to show the new kid on the block (that's you) that she has some power/pull still with your BF.
i dont care that they talk about the kids but i think my time with him needs to be respected and calling non stop over a moot issue is weird to me. she is very controlling, and i think she is trying to keep her control over him. i also dont want to get him into a position where she gets mad because she can get nasty, and the kids have already repeated things she has said about other adults that arent nice so i am sure she would have no problem with talking badly about me and it will be hard enough to establish some sort of relationship with his kids. they like me so far, they hate her bf. i just think concessions can be made, but again have never dated a man with kids or that was divorced for that matter so i was hoping some other people may have experienced what i did and would have helpful advice.
I was married to a man for 4 years that had 5 children from his marriage just before ours. Does that qualify me, or no? I'm not sure what you consider equivalent to your situation. I also most recently dated a guy that is the primary for 3 children.
Can you help me, here? Meddling in what? Just the children's lives or yours? (I'm not trying to be a smartass, I'm being serious.)
Have you asked him if the frequency was the same before you two started dating? How long have you guys been dating? Does she stick to the topic at hand (the children), or does she try to branch into other topics to keep him on the phone? Does he seem annoyed at all at the frequency? Who initiates the majority of the contact - him or her?
She kind of meddles in mine, but i can understand her wanting to know the person that is hanging around her kids i dont really have a problem with that. It is more that she always seems to come up with a new issue when he doesnt the kids. Her one son gets ear aches and he gets whiney so she called and complained about how whiney he was . .he had already seen teh dr and received medicine. My Bf never calls her when he has the kids. ever. they hang out and he handles the whining or whatever may happen because it is his time with the kids. i understand if they have concerns about health of need new babysitters (she has fired 5) but you dont need to call several times a night to discuss it, especially since she makes all of the decisions whether he agrees or not. I think there is a control factor and i think he needs to respect our time together. He can be kind of a push over and it is hard to watch. I bite my tongue because for the most part it is none of my business and he is a grown man, but the constant talking on teh phone when i am there is just crazy! Also, the babysitter goes to her house and he picks them up from there on his nights so they see each other every day too which is fine! But any issues can be dealt with then i feel. I just dont want to overstep or make anyone angry . .its just a difficult situation.
I had that initial response because that first responder didnt answer my question. I think it IS rude when she calls every day that she has the kids and there is no emergency. They are not babies, they are 8 and 11 and while i think they need to maintain a good relationship for the kids i think she takes advantage of his generosity and it irks me. i dont want to tell him what to do, because it is a sticky situation but i wanted to know what is normal. it has nothing to do with my time with the kids, they are good kids and i do not pretend or want to pretend they are my kids. i do think i can have a say on how much he talks to his ex wife when he does not have the kids especially for trivial stuff.
what do you mean by she takes advantage of his generosity?
Is he allready paying court ordered support plus some of his own?
what do you mean by she takes advantage of his generosity?
Is he allready paying court ordered support plus some of his own?
Is he strugling because of her?
they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances.
they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances.
I don't fault you.
My wife left me for another man.
I'm strugling to pay my mortgage & i'm giving her some money so my kids don't go without electricity.
It sucks.
It really does.
I've got two women friends & the one tells me it isn't fair & complains how men are treated in situations like this.
The other just seems to get annoyed that i'm giving her anything.
This boggles my mind because usually women are up in arms if a man isn't supporting his children financially & both freinds don't think I should be giving her anything.
She kind of meddles in mine, but i can understand her wanting to know the person that is hanging around her kids i dont really have a problem with that. It is more that she always seems to come up with a new issue when he doesnt the kids. Her one son gets ear aches and he gets whiney so she called and complained about how whiney he was . .he had already seen teh dr and received medicine. My Bf never calls her when he has the kids. ever. they hang out and he handles the whining or whatever may happen because it is his time with the kids. i understand if they have concerns about health of need new babysitters (she has fired 5) but you dont need to call several times a night to discuss it, especially since she makes all of the decisions whether he agrees or not. I think there is a control factor and i think he needs to respect our time together. He can be kind of a push over and it is hard to watch. I bite my tongue because for the most part it is none of my business and he is a grown man, but the constant talking on teh phone when i am there is just crazy! Also, the babysitter goes to her house and he picks them up from there on his nights so they see each other every day too which is fine! But any issues can be dealt with then i feel. I just dont want to overstep or make anyone angry . .its just a difficult situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by justme2781
they have shared custody, he pays her for half the babysitter, clothes and medical insurance to her and she buys the clothes and pays the babysitter. He pays her a flat amount for clothes and has no say and does not get receipts (doubtful that it all goes to them), he pays out of pocket for the medical insurance when it is being deducted from her check before taxes, so he is paying more than his fair share. I think he pays way way too much. But thats their business. It just irks me that he does whatever she says and doesn't stand up for himself, he let her have the house, he is very generous and she knows if she pitches a fit she will get her way. He always takes them on her weekends for a coupe hours when she feels overwhelmed and i cant tell you the last time she returned the favor, or she will get the babysitter and make him pay half. its a very lopsided situation. he definately should have more spending money than he does but again thats not really my business until we share finances.
Oy. This sounds EXACTLY like my XH. And you know what, OP? It never gets better. You will eventually take over the role of telling your BF (or if you get more involved, future DF/DH) how to deal with his X. This will cause contention and friction for the life of your relationship. Given how the X is with her phone calls, it's not likely to lessen even after the kids turn 18.
And the financial stuff will also become a sticking point - especially if you mix finances (given the chance again, I would NOT mix finances with a SO ever again).
OP - I was in your situation. Very, very, very similar. And my POV is that it will not improve. If this is already feeling like it's pushing you two apart, it will not get better. If anything, you need an uninvolved FOURTH party like a counselor to help you guys find a healthy balance. The way it is now is just going to look like possessive, jealous new GF trying to control him.
Being the second spouse is not easy. But I sense you aren't comfortable with the role you are in.
1. You and your partner haven't converted him to using email or text communication with his ex. Why is that?
My ex and I email about 3 times a day back and forth making sure arrangements are in place for our son and to make sure the other person is having an ok day and to communicate about lessons and messages from the teacher. Just because we are ex's doesn't mean we aren't still friends.
2. Are you genuinely interested in his kids and helping them and integrating them into your life?
3. You have opinions on how your partner and his ex deal with money, but you are going to "wait" before you bring up those issues. Wouldn't his child support obligations to his first family come ahead of a financial obligation to the two of you? Even if he is paying more than mandated, those are his children.
Which brings me back to my original question. You are the second spouse. My impression is that it doesn't sit comfortably with you - to be honest.
Hoping to change the existing situation doesn't sound realistic given the nature of the relationship between your partner and the mother of his children.
Is this a role that you are comfortable in, given the situation "as is"?
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