On another thread, it went off topic so I thought rather to post a new thread. Have you ever or do you now feel like you as the OW/OM are the "dirty little secret"?
I feel personally that we hurt at times due to feeling this way (along with many other yukky feelings). Even if your love is "pure and wonderful" and maybe your MM/MW has met your family, aren't we still in fact hidden? After all, it is a secret and there are many that do not know about us... this is just my opinion.
I love my MM dearly and he met all my family before ever leaving his wife... but I still had to "hide" during certain events so that his "other life people" didnt know we were together. It is humiliating, shameful... felt very dirty. Didnt matter how much we loved each other.
I will never forget having to dodge his co-worker at an away business trip that I went on with him... I wanted to crawl in a hole. That is my definition of me being the "dirty little secret"
in some ways i guess i was his dirty little secret. but it was interesting, that when given the chance around someone he trusted, he told them about me.
I will say as I said on the other thread: secret - yes, dirty - no.
Just as some OW feel guilt and others don't, some other women apparently feel they are a dirty little secret and others don't.
Not all secrets are dirty - and that is a fact!
__________________
Unapologetic Other Woman
"To deny, explain away the love would be to deny me...if his heart was not right or in the wrong place...lol...not my problem, I know who I am and what I felt." (Pure)
OP, maybe you need to define what makes a secret dirty in your eyes. Who decides this? Society? The MM's feelings about it? The OW's feelings? The BS' feelings?!!!
Not only do I not feel guilt nor shame about being the OW, my MM very seldom feels guilt for our EMR. I can not imagine that he would ever use the adjective "dirty" about me or our relationship.
If you cannot be open about something, you are ashamed of it. Shame=dirty... My guy would have never thought of calling me a dirty little secret, it was how I felt though at times. Not because he made me feel this way, it was MY feelings, I own them.
It isnt a current issue as I am "outofthedark" now, no more hiding. But yes, I do feel guilt and shame for what I was part of and I remember all too well the feeling of having to hide and feeling like the dirty little secret. That is why I started this thread, someone else brought it up implying that we are uncaring and thoughtless in suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way.
I ended up with my MM and due to all that shame/guilt there are lasting feelings that now require professional assistance for all THREE of us involved. Affairs are so ikky. The greatest highs, the worst lows......
If you cannot be open about something, you are ashamed of it. Shame=dirty... My guy would have never thought of calling me a dirty little secret, it was how I felt though at times. Not because he made me feel this way, it was MY feelings, I own them.
Then we agree: You were a dirty little secret because that is how you felt. I am not a dirty little secret because that is not how I feel.
Dirty is that dirty feels.
And no, not being open about something does not have to mean you are ashamed of it.
I ended up with my MM and due to all that shame/guilt there are lasting feelings that now require professional assistance for all THREE of us involved. Affairs are so ikky. The greatest highs, the worst lows......
This sounds horrible. But at least you aren't in denial or deluding yourself about what you are now experiencing, AND you are taking positive steps to make this into a healthier relationship for all THREE of you.
((((outofthedark))))
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
Then we agree: You were a dirty little secret because that is how you felt. I am not a dirty little secret because that is not how I feel.
Dirty is that dirty feels.
And no, not being open about something does not have to mean you are ashamed of it.
Ahhh. We agree on something.
I don't think that not being open means that you are ashamed either. It just means that you are discreet and hopefully discriminating on who you reveal your secrets to.
That is why I started this thread, someone else brought it up implying that we are uncaring and thoughtless in suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way.
The quote I reacted to was:
"and no, I am not talking about the OW who are still the dirty secret"
which is far from suggesting that another ow/om may feel this way. The quote states it as a fact.
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