[onandonandon]

This is my first time posting here.............I am divorced and have three beautiful children........and they really like my boyfriend.
He is kind, honest....etc etc.....great with kids......EXEPT.....his 10 year old son is really causing stress in our relationship!!!!!

My boyfriend has custody of him....and his mother for the most part has abdonned him.......she saw him twice last year and only lives 30 miles away. She is remarried and has a new baby girl (she is 47 years old)

any way......the son and I got along great at first then ....the digs started in.....He gives his father the fith degree almost every time I see his dad or spend some time at there farm....My boyfriend does talk to him about respect and treating my nicely....but this has gone on and on for a good 8 months now.....It has really confused my boyfriend........and then there is the matter of my three kids....they are 11, 8 and 5 and they all like mark...they think his son is"ok"..."but he takes over everything",,,,,,,,,,

I don't want to lose this lovely man.......but this kid needs to face reality......................

any IDEAS????????????

[Tony T]

This man's child will always be number one to him so just accept that.

The child is terrified, however, that your three kids are going to take over his place in the family pecking order if dad gets serious with you. I think a good, heart to heart talk between father and son might help a little. But you have to understand this kid's one screwed up and confused dude. He was abandoned by his mother, who now has a baby who is lots more important than him...and he is seeing you and your children as taking over the last vestage of unconditional love and support he has in the world.

If I was your boyfriend's kid, I'd be a total basketcase. You need to show this kid a major amount of love and attention and make sure he's ALWAYS right there, front and center, with everybody else in terms of attention and love.

My suggestion to you is you consult a child psychologist and get the whole clan into the office and straighten out this whole mess.

But, for Pete's sake, try to see things from your boyfriend's kid's perspective. He's going through a human being's worst nightmare. And you might tell his dad that if he doesn't get the kid some good counselling he could be screwed up for life. Having mama go bye bye and now having to fight to keep his dad from doing the same (in his eyes) is the most horrible thing a kid could go through.

Poor kid...damn!!!

[marie3332]

I think the son is acting inappropriatly. If his mother abondoned him then he should be happy that there is potential for a step mother and step siblings. My mother passed away while I was in college and my dad was remarried within a couple years. I enjoy having a step mother.

The son needs to understand the concept of family. In a family, everyone needs to be supportive and accepting of one another. If Daddy's attention should only be directed at the son and nobody else, then, yes he does need counseling.

The man's child will always be number one to him? I disagree. It sounds like the son hasn't earned that right. The child can't be number one when he stands in the way of his fathers happiness (which is being in a romantic relationship.)

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "My mother passed away while I was in college and my dad was remarried within a couple years. I enjoy having a step mother."

We're talking about a ten year old boy here. You were about twice that age when your mother died and a lot better prepared maturity-wise to deal with that and all that went with it....although the passing of one's mother is painful at any age. This kid is hardly prepared to deal with all the head stuff he has to go through that I pointed out.

And I might tell you I have the credentials to know...my mother died when I was 13 and life was hell after that.

Also, if his father doesn't put his son FIRST, he's a sicky....or perhaps I am so far out of touch with reality I need to go upgrade my human nature program. And if you plan on having children someday and wouldn't put them first in your life, please consider not having them.

[marie3332]

His son's inappropriate behavior should not be tolerated...PERIOD!

If he wants to put his son first, then get the kid counseling and work out the issues before it gets worse. The inability to have good relationships with others is dependent on events in childhood. Why do you think so many therapists focus so much on childhood events?

Sure, 10 year olds are not grown up. That doesn't mean that their behavior is OK. It's up to his father to raise him up properly.

Is the father going to spoil a relationship because the son can't share? Wouldn't it be great for the son to have step siblings?

[marie3332]

By the way, I already have children. They are equals to my husband.

[onandonandon]

My boyfriend does put his son first! and I totally support that!
Divorce is so very painful for children......I see it in my children's eyes......They are 11, 8 and 5. Thankfully there dad is very much a part of there lives and that helps so much!!!

This poor kid has been abandoned by his mom and I feel so bad for him.......I want to show him love but he won't let me in......

I have reinforced that I am not there to take away his dad. I also tell him how much his dad loves him......

This child gets along with me one day....we laugh and play.....the next day I get digs ....and scowls......I have stayed steady and showed him kindness.....I would love to just hug him and tell him that I want to help.....but he won't let me.

I also think it is important for him to respect me.......and teach him that negative remarks are not the way to go.


I also feel sad for my boyfriend.....he gets no support from the mother of his child and has to do this on his own......

I just want to help ......with out being overbearing, codependent....whatever......I especially don't want to hurt the child or Mark....but i don't want to be hurt either.....

IT sucks to care so much sometimes.........Pam

[cindy0039]

Pam - I think it will just take the boy time to get used to the situation and built trust with you. How long that will take is hard to tell. When I married my husband he had custody of his two sons and had been a single father (divorced) for 8 years so I've been there. I have one son from my previous marriage that I brought into the mix as well. We all went to family counseling to iron out difficulties the first year of marriage. But it took probably 2 years for them to totally accept the situation and over the years they grew to love me a lot. So don't give up! And thank God my husband never told his kids that they would come first over me. That's not the way to think of it, in my opinion. When you become a family, everybody is equal and should be treated with love and respect. Just like it is important for you not to show favortism to your kids over him, the reverse is also important. He DOES have to learn how to share. Best of luck to you and keep the faith.

[BadMan]

I would be stunned if your kids turned out o.k. after reading your other posts.

Originally posted by marie3332
By the way, I already have children. They are equals to my husband.