[accemoidua]

Hello,

I've been reading on this forum for a quite some time and decided that after ending this with a narcissist just days ago i could really use some support.

Background: My ex and i were together for a year and a half. He was extremely charming and came on quite strong. He wanted to be around me 24/7 and i found it to be quite adorable. He brought me around his family, friends, etc. Took me everywhere he went. We were inseperable.

I own my own home, have a great job making good money, recently finished school and was pursuing a singing career when i met him. He was in between jobs (still is), living in a room at his aunts for 5 years (now going on 7), and didn't really have much going on except dreams of becoming better. A red flag, i know but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Although we eventually stayed together every single night, he didn't want to move in with me, so we went back and forth between my house and staying in his room?!?

Now for the real drama: Continued to sleep with his ex-girlfriend of 3 years throughout our entire relationship. When we met, he told me had no kids. 2 months in i found out he had a 6 month old with his HS sweetheart living in SC. I stayed through all of this because he kept promising change and that he loved me. Last year and 2 days before christmas I found out that his HS sweetheart gave birth to yet another son by him...WHOA! Devastated wasn't the word. But his charm and convincing me that he only wanted me and we could "get through anything" made me stay (not to mention a total lack of self-esteem on my part).

More drama, the family loved the ex who is a doctor, so they invited her to every family function. So not only did i have to deal with the lies and cheating, but it was also being thrown in my face by having the ex he cheated with at the family gatherings. He rents a room with his aunt and was close with the family, so him not attending (as he put it) wasn't an option. I was crushed.

He had also been secretly promising the mother of his children that he had planned to leave me and move there with her so that they could be a family. She eventually got a hold of my email address and forwarded all of the texts they had going back and forth. I couldn't believe some of the things he was saying.

To make matters worse, after installing a program on his computer i found out that he was talking to all these women on all different types of websites. He never posted pics of us on his myspace/fb, and i had to ask him to update his sites from single to in a relationship. He still doesn't acknowledge his children to anyone, and he doesn't take care of them. OK, so i know what you're all thinking...LOSER!

Problem is even after EVERYTHING this man put me through i really did love him. He actually made me feel like i needed him and that i was making a big mistake had i left him. Everyone thinks hes such a great guy. He's a really big charmer. After trying to break things off with this man now almost every week for the past 2 months, he finally breaks up with "me" 2 weeks ago saying that i was too emotional and i couldn't get over things.

Of course he's contacted me to try to work things out. He's called, texted, emailed me, contacted my friends, etc. All to the effect that he really loves me and if we could get past all the other stuff we could get past this. I almost fell for it but when i went to check his fb page 2 days ago, he was already in a relationship with a girl who he was flirting with while we were together. I immediately texted him what i saw and told him not to contact me ever again, that to act like i didn't exist. I blocked him from contacting me in every way. It's been 2 days no contact. I'm still very much hurt.

Another problem is that this guy took tons of money from me. Took him to Jamaica, paid $3k to fix his car and he was supposed to be paying me back. And he was making payments until the last break. He also has my laptop. So i know that the easiest thing for me to get over all this emotional trauma would be cut all communication. But what about the money he owes me? Do i just let that go as well. I'm so upset that i've allowed myself to be used to this extent and for so long. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

[AnthonyMalibu]

You're obsessed with a guy you DON'T need. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

But his charm and convincing me that he only wanted me and we could "get through anything" made me stay

You going to let this guy use those three words as a license to do anything he wants, including cheating on you and fathering other children?

To make matters worse, after installing a program on his computer i found out that he was talking to all these women on all different types of websites.

If you ever get to the point where you have to install spyware on a boyfriend or girlfriend's computer, it's long past time to walk away. PERIOD.

STOP accepting his calls. Change your cellphone number. Delete your Facebook account - you don't need it. No, really - you don't. Get past the need to have all these little electronic connections to everyone you know... go out and SEE your friends, instead of 125x125 pixel images of them.

You need a fresh start, and you need to ditch this loser. And that's not gonna happen while you're checking to see if you were "blocked" or whether or not he changed his Facebook status hour by hour.

Sorry if these aren't the things you want to hear.

[2sunny]

be glad he's gone. forget about the money, you'll never see it.

go get your laptop - without saying anything to him. he's a complete douche.

YOU allowed him to take advantage of you. find out why. counseling helps. you need a boundary - and quick... otherwise you will choose the same thing again... and put up with it again.

ask yourself, why do i feel i don't deserve more than what he offered from a man? you do, just find out why you would have settled for such a loser.

[accemoidua]

2Sunny,

Thanks for the reply. Yes i am glad that he's gone but in a way it still hurts.

I am in therapy now and yes i know there is a reason why i've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. My therapist and i have identified those issues and are working on them.

Most has to do with 2 drug abusive parents, molestation and rape as a child, codepenency, etc. A lot of issues, been in therapy my whole life and now thanks to him it doesn't seem like i'll be out anytime soon...

Going to get the laptop is not an option. I don't want to be anywhere NEAR his house or his family. Not to mention any contact i make with him at this point, where directly or indirectly will only open up the door for him to continue to pursue me (which he hasn't stopped doing yet). Just yesterday he called my best friend and tried to get her to talk to me. She told him to leave me alone and to just walk away. She doesn't think he's going to get it either.

[2sunny]

set a firm boundary and stick to it.

[accemoidua]

[QUOTE=AnthonyMalibu;2475119]You're obsessed with a guy you DON'T need. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Yes, i must admit i had an "addiction" to him. He was extremely attractive in everyway and again his charm did not help. I was hooked.

You going to let this guy use those three words as a license to do anything he wants, including cheating on you and fathering other children?

Not that this is an excuse, but both children were already conceived before he met me. The problem is he failed to mention them to me. No i should not have stayed, but we tend to allow things when we're in love.

If you ever get to the point where you have to install spyware on a boyfriend or girlfriend's computer, it's long past time to walk away. PERIOD.

Understood. But again where i felt i was looking for a reason to stay, i only found more reasons to leave.

STOP accepting his calls. Change your cellphone number. Delete your Facebook account - you don't need it. No, really - you don't. Get past the need to have all these little electronic connections to everyone you know... go out and SEE your friends, instead of 125x125 pixel images of them.

I haven't accepted a call from this man since a little over 2 weeks. And it's been 2 days since i've completely blocked all form of contact.

You need a fresh start, and you need to ditch this loser. And that's not gonna happen while you're checking to see if you were "blocked" or whether or not he changed his Facebook status hour by hour.

I only checked his facebook once since the two week breakup, and that was ONLY because he called himself proposing to me, wanting to move in with me and claiming that he couldn't move on without me. When i found that he had already moved on and was in a relationship already i called him on it, blocked him from EVERY form of contact and haven't tried to contact/check on him since. I know what i need to do to move on, i was just looking for some support and suggestions about the money issue.

[hiscamilla]

Hi accemoudia. First of all - you are doing exactly the rght thing by going NC - if you don't . he will , in no doubt, charm his way back into your affections again. If he is truly Narcissitic, (which he is, by the description of your relationship ) he is impossible to deal with and you have no chance of ever having the depth of relationship you deserve. This type of personality disorder means he is incapbale of true love.He truly does not understand what that emotion is or means.

When I read your post, it was like looking in a mirror. I have just come out of a similar relationship and understand how devastating it can be. Mine was living 500 miles away from my business and home and had another woman staying there but of course, they were only friends...she had nowhere else to go .. I've since found out her ex-husband threw her out for having a long term affair with this charmer 3 years ago- she is his 'safety-net' who he keeps dependant on him so as always to have someone to come home to, either to rant and abuse or sweeten up to keep her in a position of confusion and powerlessness and crucially, always there so he is never without a victim to play with...or even more crucially, without Narcissitic supply..The big house he lives in ( an English estate) sounds gorgeous, he told me it was his...but on closer investigation actually belongs to his widowed mother...His business , of course , went to the wall in the recession this June...if it really existed in the first place ( no sign of it on the internet or phone directories).His ex wife , described as a casual friend, met with once or twice a year for old times sake, has this week accompanied him to Scotland on a business trip... just as a friend , according to him but according to her (yup, I've been doing some snooping..), because he wants them to get back together again.So the available, single milionaire businessman with a large estate in South West England is actually a washed -up unemployed man-child living off and with his mother and girlfriend in his old family home...Hmmm.. I could fill a book with the lines he has fed me this year, his constant relationship status changes on Facebook, the lies , the drama, the excuses, the red flags that have been present since the beginning of our 'relationship'. But these guys are extremely convincing and plausible, especially at the beginning of a relationship - did yours seem like 'the Perfect Boyfriend ' for a very short period of time when you first got together? Have you been trying to get that person ( who doesn't really exist ) back, ever since then ? Please stop trying - you won't. Because he doesn't exist..

My only advice is what has helped me a little, tho I am still shattered that a 49 year old astute busnesswoman with a wide circle of good friends and 3 loving grown-up children could be sucked into such a web of lies and deceit for 9 months. This man and I were first loves and re met after 30 years apart- it seemed like fate - the way he described his life fitted in with the sort of background and education we had, so was plausible.Once the abuse and manipulation started, ( round about the 5 month mark, once he had me emotionally hooked), I have read all I can about this disorder and have found comfort in knowing there was nothing I could have done to alter his behaviour. I have also gone NC and blocked his number and e mail. Mine owes me money too-it is only a few hundered £'s so am writing it off. If you can afford to, think about doing the same. As he is unemployed ( same as mine ), you probably won't have much hope of recovering your funds anyway.

These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads...

Thinking of you and do let us know how you are getting on.

[accemoidua]

Hi accemoudia. First of all - you are doing exactly the rght thing by going NC - if you don't . he will , in no doubt, charm his way back into your affections again. If he is truly Narcissitic, (which he is, by the description of your relationship ) he is impossible to deal with and you have no chance of ever having the depth of relationship you deserve. This type of personality disorder means he is incapbale of true love.He truly does not understand what that emotion is or means.

Yes, thank you for the encouragement. I know he is all talk, but this is so hard to come to grips with.

did yours seem like 'the Perfect Boyfriend ' for a very short period of time when you first got together? Have you been trying to get that person ( who doesn't really exist ) back, ever since then ? Please stop trying - you won't. Because he doesn't exist..

YESSSSS! lol. God yes, but he never came back all the times i took him back left me even more hurt and confused than the last.

These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads...

LOL, i agree.

Thinking of you and do let us know how you are getting on.

hiscamilla, thank you for your support and i am sorry that you had to come across the same type of individual. My brain is trying to grasp how he could be so cold and deceitful. He just didn't care at all and i have to admit that doesn't make me feel good. It brings about a hopeless feeling in meeting the right one because any trust that i ever had in anyone is now completely destroyed.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

These people ought to come with a government health warning stamped on their foreheads...

That's so funny, but true. Unfortunately, they are master manipulators, they need to build you up and hook you in order to tear you down. They honestly "feel loved" by you putting up with their abuse, and desperately NEED some body or some bodies to fill that role.

Honey, the several thousand dollars he owes you is a pittance compared to reclaiming your life. YOU DON"T NEED HIM, he needs you. He doesn't exist without woman like you in his life. Fortunately for him, his lies and sweet talk with land him more. Run and never look back. You'll be a hundred time better for it, and will find real happiness in your life, not one based on his twisted reality. NO ONE can be in a happy "real" relationship with a N. That doesn't exist and never will.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He just didn't care at all and i have to admit that doesn't make me feel good.

He doesn't have the capacity to care about anything other than "his" agenda, which even he doesn't realize how distorted it is. He cannot change, and will continue to ruin the lives of people who can't understand his illness.

[gavinus]

I was with a narcissistic female ex. Walk away. If you think he is pining over you, you are wrong. He has already moved on looking for his next victim. His sense of self entitlement and belief that he is right will never go away. His remorse will be limited and he will almost never have regrets as he will not think about the past. Thank goodness you got out now before any more of your life and time was taken. I know how you feel, its not fair, it sucks, its not right, but you have to let it go. The only way you can beat him is to move on. One more thing, you ultimately win, because you will change from the experience whereas he will never change as he see's no need to, please remember that, please be strong, he has changed your life for the better as he has shown you what you don't want in it, you can do it