[tojaz]

Just recently after a long drought of any kind of interaction with her, me and my Ex exchanged a few E-mails. Started out pleasant enough. Nothing deep being said, just idle chitchat. Subject came to my illness, which is fairly serious and she lets on, that she has known I was ill for some time without saying anything. That kind of hurt, but shes the ex, what did I expect! So i thank her for her concern and in return she blasts me! trying to justify why she hadn't contacted me earlier regarding my troubles and how she was concerned and of course that it was somehow my fault that she didn't know. Like we had been talking regularly and I was keeping it from her. I haven't heard her voice since the first week of August!
...... All I had said was thanks!

Thinking about that and letting it gnaw at me a little. I realized that this is how she sees me now. Theres nothing i could do that she would see in a good light. If I cured cancer tomorrow, it would be just to screw her over somehow. Every good thing I have ever tried to do for her is now tainted in her mind. This is going to be how she remembers our time together, and that kills me. For 13 years i devoted myself to anything and everything that i thought would make her happy, because doing that made me happy! Now it's a tale of imprisonment and torture! I know in my heart it's not true, but the fact that this is what shes walking away with, this is how she describes our time together to others. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I put my heart and soul into everything we had built together and it's now a bad memory to her.

How is it, that even 8 months later knowing full well how she feels about me and is doing god knows what with god knows who. Failing all the advice that I try to give to others here in my 1600 posts, I wake up on a cold morning and my first thought is if shes warm and where she left her gloves and hat. Better take them to her.

Why is it, that I can live the life I have lived, but a stupid text message from her can make me run for cover.

I know the answers, I understand what shes doing, I know she isn't good for me any more. I spout the same things day after day here, so why can't I turn it off. Why must she torture me, I gave her what she wanted, all I asked was come home or stay away so i can heal and move on with my life.
I don't care which, I just need some peace in my life!!!
Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm drunk too.
TOJAZ

[Aksion]

I'll raise my shot glass to you my friend.

I know it hasn't been as long for me, but you've read about how even after going completely NC w/ my wife she still decides to take jabs at me by sending me updates about how happy she is in e-mail. Been the worst when I'm finally starting to feel ok for a few days, then bam, its like she knows and wants me to keep hurting.

Its really almost as if for some reason they want us to keep thinking about them -- even though they were the ones that wanted out. You want out, stay the fu ck out, let our minds rest. I know you try to take your own advice -- hell, I'M trying to take your advice, and any advice anybody can give me, but it really is just ourselves that will/can fix ourselves.

You're not pathetic, you're a man who had everything he ever knew ripped away from him. Everything we ever did was for our spouse, and having that life taken away from us was/is devastating. You're moving on well -- maybe just remove yourself from the situation again, don't e-mail, change your number so you aren't texting her. Sadly, I sorta wish I had contact with my wife, even if it drove me crazy(ier).

Head up, tilt that glass back, and just let go tonight.

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay gentlemen...wish I had a glass of something to raise one to both of you...Men who really care!!! WTF!

J came over this evening after work but didn't bring the baby's car seat. Sat there and talked about how his ex girl friend that he went to prom with supposidly went into the military looking for him and even took leave to where he was stationed to hopefully run into him (and he thought he saw her)...that this girl, a friend, his mother, and sister all are asking him to go to WA for Thanksgiving. That his work is trying to get him to apply for a job in Seattle etc... sounds like a crock...whatever

Tojaz you did nothing but try to build a life for you and her...if she couldn't appreciate that it is her loss! I would be so thankful for that vs. the "I am trying the best I can" with J being broke and not helping me a lick.

Aksion...send that B a simple message..."I don't want to know how you are doing seems you don't give a damn about me"

boys I could use a drink! and here I am trying to reconcile because I know he truly doesn't know what the hell he wants...I want him to want me...really need a drink...hey I have whole bottles of wine! getting one now

[trippi1432]

Ok, I'm jealous and heading to the store before it closes, need my wine too dammit.

[tojaz]

AK, I'm with you tonight. Drank all my beer seeking out mouthwash. My advice to you still stands though. If you need a night to throw a pty party like I am tonight, thae thats fine. We deserve it after the hell were going through, but when it's over, you need to shake it off and get back into the world. I fell into a hole tonight, but I'm gonna crawl out as well. I have almost a dozen dead soldiers here next to me, but tomorrow, when my head aches, I'm going to kick myself in the a$$ and go on with my life. It hurts today, but it's all we can do. Gotta keep moving!

Thanks for the kind words Ladybug, I needed that tonight.

TRIPPI, bottoms up!
TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Originally Posted by tojaz

For 13 years i devoted myself to anything and everything that i thought would make her happy, because doing that made me happy! Now it's a tale of imprisonment and torture! I know in my heart it's not true, but the fact that this is what shes walking away with, this is how she describes our time together to others. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I put my heart and soul into everything we had built together and it's now a bad memory to her.

Then let that be her memory, no one can take away your memories and you have the rest of your life to make new ones.

Why is it, that I can live the life I have lived, but a stupid text message from her can make me run for cover.

Know the feeling

I know the answers, I understand what shes doing, I know she isn't good for me any more. I spout the same things day after day here, so why can't I turn it off. Why must she torture me, I gave her what she wanted, all I asked was come home or stay away so i can heal and move on with my life.
I don't care which, I just need some peace in my life!!!

Did the same and he said he couldn't do that to her....but he could do that to his wife and partner of 15 years....wouldn't want him back after that comment and disrespect.

Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm drunk too.
TOJAZ

You're not pathetic, you're hurt, but you got to get through that and move on.....yes, letting go is very hard....everyone has their own way to do that. But it will come.

[carhill]

OP, I do some of my best thinking on planes. A positive side-effect is the FA's are usually nice and the alcohol is free. I was doing some thinking about my proceeding D when coming across this post. It is interesting. The way I process it is that I can now see clearly who my stbx is and accept that. The way she is now is who she is. Acceptance will set you free.

It's only 11am here but I'll endeavor to lift one in honor of you and the rule that it is always 5 o'clock in the afternoon somewhere

[tojaz]

Yeah, Yeah, throw my own advice back at me! Just been a bad day. I'll get back on the horse! Promise! Tojaz back full strength tomorrow.

[Auroracoladybug]

Originally Posted by tojaz

Yeah, Yeah, throw my own advice back at me! Just been a bad day. I'll get back on the horse! Promise! Tojaz back full strength tomorrow.

Hell tomorrow is Saturday...lots to do but no kid...guess drunk is okay

[carhill]

LOL, it's already Saturday here, so is that my excuse to start drinking?

[tojaz]

Originally Posted by carhill

OP, I do some of my best thinking on planes. A positive side-effect is the FA's are usually nice and the alcohol is free. I was doing some thinking about my proceeding D when coming across this post. It is interesting. The way I process it is that I can now see clearly who my stbx is and accept that. The way she is now is who she is. Acceptance will set you free.

It's only 11am here but I'll endeavor to lift one in honor of you and the rule that it is always 5 o'clock in the afternoon somewhere

Cheers Carhill. Acceptance is not a problem, accepted that long ago. Just instinct to care for her and worry about her. I know what shes become, and see what shes done to me but the instinct is there and shes using it. Just been a bad few days and decided to self medicate foe awhile. Not smart, but think I earned a break LOL.
TOJAZ

[carhill]

IMO, caring for her is just a habit, like having a cup of coffee in the morning. Habits can be changed. I doted on my stbx for a decade and now accept her coldness during our D as who she is; her truth. I had formerly overlooked such harsh realities due to the habit of caring. This revelation has permeated other areas of my psyche, helping me resolve issues from the far distant past; issues which have long tormented me. It's a great feeling. I hope that you find the resolution you're looking for.

Personally, I find that my emotions get stronger and more pervasive when drinking, so I'm mostly avoiding it now; for me, it has the exact opposite of the effect I might intend, that being to deaden the feelings or distract me. YMMV, of course

[tojaz]

Good advice Carhill. I'm getting there, but have 13 years of history to bury. Drinking does deepen the emotions, but they were going to be there anyways. Might as well loosen up and let it roll.

[carhill]

For me, MC helped me to better accept those feelings (including anger) and process them, resolving them to be my current emotional truth, but allowing my mind to process what is appropriate behavior and, in a sense, compartmentalize the emotion from the behavior and accept that it is OK to do so.

[tojaz]

Agreed, I have been in IC and it has helped a lot. I'm having a moment here, but trying to be responsible at the same time. Why I'm not posting on any other threads. i know my heads not in the game.