[tojaz]

Just recently after a long drought of any kind of interaction with her, me and my Ex exchanged a few E-mails. Started out pleasant enough. Nothing deep being said, just idle chitchat. Subject came to my illness, which is fairly serious and she lets on, that she has known I was ill for some time without saying anything. That kind of hurt, but shes the ex, what did I expect! So i thank her for her concern and in return she blasts me! trying to justify why she hadn't contacted me earlier regarding my troubles and how she was concerned and of course that it was somehow my fault that she didn't know. Like we had been talking regularly and I was keeping it from her. I haven't heard her voice since the first week of August!
...... All I had said was thanks!

Thinking about that and letting it gnaw at me a little. I realized that this is how she sees me now. Theres nothing i could do that she would see in a good light. If I cured cancer tomorrow, it would be just to screw her over somehow. Every good thing I have ever tried to do for her is now tainted in her mind. This is going to be how she remembers our time together, and that kills me. For 13 years i devoted myself to anything and everything that i thought would make her happy, because doing that made me happy! Now it's a tale of imprisonment and torture! I know in my heart it's not true, but the fact that this is what shes walking away with, this is how she describes our time together to others. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I put my heart and soul into everything we had built together and it's now a bad memory to her.

How is it, that even 8 months later knowing full well how she feels about me and is doing god knows what with god knows who. Failing all the advice that I try to give to others here in my 1600 posts, I wake up on a cold morning and my first thought is if shes warm and where she left her gloves and hat. Better take them to her.

Why is it, that I can live the life I have lived, but a stupid text message from her can make me run for cover.

I know the answers, I understand what shes doing, I know she isn't good for me any more. I spout the same things day after day here, so why can't I turn it off. Why must she torture me, I gave her what she wanted, all I asked was come home or stay away so i can heal and move on with my life.
I don't care which, I just need some peace in my life!!!
Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm drunk too.
TOJAZ