[Leveller]

I have seen this with my ex gf. She was in an abusive relationship for ten years where he would be constantly by her side or on her back followed by physical violence. She is now with someone who displaying many of these characteristics except he has not been violent yet (and might not turn out to be). He tries to tell her what to wear, who she can be friends with, when to go out etc. etc. He gives her the silent treatment too and she also deletes his number.

I couldn't be more opposite, how does this happen?

[PinkToes]

Unfortunately, yes. It does tend to repeat itself, for a number of different reasons.

Over time -- and this is especially true if someone grew up in an abusive home -- being treated that way feels like love. Abusuers are not abusive every minute of the day. And when they say they're sorry for their behavior, it looks like love. Abuse becomes the norm; the price we have to pay for being with someone.

Also what happens at the beginning of a relationship nearly always feels like love. It's intoxicating to be with someone who can't seem to get enough of being with you; someone who comes on so strong and promises the moon. By the time the behavior starts to get scary, she's hooked.

Over time, someone in an abusive relationship can start to feel like she's to blame, that she's worthless, that no one else will ever love her again. It can shred her self-esteem. So when someone new shows interest, it's easier to ignore the red flags, because she is feeling so grateful that anyone would ever care for her again.

And once she's out of an abusive relationship, she's often convinced that she will never let that happen again. Until she meets the next guy who sweeps her off her feet, again.

When it starts to feel like something isn't right, she knows she needs to do something about it. But she's in love, and it's easier to stay and hope he changes than to walk away -- expecially if what's happening doesn't feel like abuse.

The problem is that abuse nearly always escalates, over time. What feels like love and adoration and commitment turns to control, and then emotional abuse, and then physical abuse. This true in the vast majority of cases.

But it always starts out so well, that it's often hard to recognize the signs -- such as the behavior you've mentioned. No one would fall in love with a man who slapped you around on the first date.

But the process starts slowly, the desire to believe that "this time" things will be different is very strong, and the longer someone is in that situation, the harder it is to leave, or to break the cycle.

[Fun2BMe]

Originally Posted by PinkToes

And once she's out of an abusive relationship, she's often convinced that she will never let that happen again. Until she meets the next guy who sweeps her off her feet, again.

I would disagree to an extent. Most women don't realize the relationship was abusive, they might not know any different or think that's what they deserve. If it was so easy for them to know it was abuse they'd see the signs and stay away from an abuser instead of finding them familiar and gravitating towards them since they feel they are capable of handling the situation until they 'mess up' as in the last straw that breaks them, so they try harder to make it work and continue the cycle unless they are fortunate enough to get professional behavioral help all the while people might point fingers and judge them negatively without understanding their distorted thought process. They don't go into a relationship thinking "my last one was abusive, this new guy is also abusive." Instead it's more like "I wasn't good enough to handle the last relationship but I'm sure I'll treat him better this time so I won't do anything to cause him to get mad at me."

[jerseyboy]

A number of inceteful posts on thsi thread. It was an interesting read.

As a guy I cant say Ive given it a tremendous amount of thought but Id add the following.

It stands to reason that abusive men will be attracted to women who allow themselves to be abused. Conversely secure and emotionally mature men are going to avoid headcases.

In short they go from abusive man to abusive man because their options really are that limited

[lostsoulmate]

Sometimes, the abuser is a mastermind at the Facade. In the beginning things are wonderful, until the abuser is sure she/he will stay. Then all hell breaks loose and the abused feel they have no where to go.


It is a vicious cycle, one I am working on never repeating!

[sally4sara]

Because this is such a serious subject, discussing it shows how irresponsible society is in how they view abuse.

It is not a gender phenomenon. We need to stop looking at abuse as a male perpetration on females. Till we do, abused men will never have the support they need to break away from their cycle in being attracted to and suffering with abuse at the hands of their female partners.

We are amazing in what we can adapt to and allow to become normal. Once abuse has occurred to the point of it being a way of life for the victim, they cannot feel at ease without it. It would make sense that an abused person who has not sought help and counseling, to feel most at ease with a person who has the same qualities as the abusive person(s) they have already experienced. Often, a person who has been victimized in this way, will manufacture situations to make their new partner loose their temper. It is not their fault that the person has so little control over their anger, but the victim can learn to play this part of the cycle to ensure it continues with a new person.

[threebyfate]

I agree that foundational environment factors heavily in the types of partners we're attracted to. If you're raised with pain = love, where either physical or emotional violence is prevalent, that's what you're going to look for. If you don't find someone who meets this criteria, people will create it.

Of what I've seen on LS, not only do abusees go from one abusive relationship to another, sometimes they become abusers themselves or less often, actually heal.

[grace12]

I agree with it.